Leigh 87 Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 So, I have let go of the notion of falling madly in love instantly and for people to fall incredibly hard for one another BEFORE first getting to each other well! However, I still want three things from a future partner: - instant physical attraction - for them to be something different about our first meeting that is different to other people they have met -the way a guy lays eyes on a woman and is "gone" so to speak. AGAIN - this is obviously a physical phenomena. - And of course, I want the lasting, long term elements (compatibility) - I do not care about their job, pay check and nor do I have a type of man I feel chemistry and attraction towards. A cute face is all I need. - I simply want a long term partner who I love to be around, where being together long term is fun, positive, supportive and brings out the best in one another - living life to the fullest together. ................................................................................. Now that I know instant love at first site business isn't real, I want to know: How rare is it to be instantly attracted to a partner and have instant chemistry with them and to ALSO be compatible with them long term? ( the desire to kiss them, to be excited by their texts or calls, for you to be in a good mood whenever they initiate contact with you, compounded with them ALSO being a great long term fit (kind, decent, full time job, similar values where it matters, someone you love being with and etc) And also - I prefer to hold out for something a little unique and special - for example.. The Croatian guy I was FWB with and who is a good friend of mine - he fell in love with my best friend, a lovely girl... At first site he said that he was "gone" upon first meeting her - as in, he was highly attracted to her, in a way he rarely is with other women. He has a thing for blondes with small boobs (she is his ideal type) He said he only felt that instant thing with one other girl besides my best friend - in his 35 years of being alive. I would also like to select men where I do stand out and I am a little different to their prior first encounters - you know, for them to get a special feeling about me from day one (NOT love at first site - just something "about" you that really PHYSICALY attracts them to you) My other good friend and her partner met and they had instant physical fire works; he wasn't ready for a relationship (Just broken up with long term girl) and he was sleeping around weekly, and upon meeting her, he instantly felt something special about her that compelled him to want a relationship. When it comes to me personally? The last guy I have been seeing.. The one who has mental problems and has to stay single for a long time... Well, I am that woman for him also - he had never previously met a partner where he had the instant connection and attraction. He said that I was the first "beautiful girl" who had been interested in him, and the first woman he felt instant chemistry with (he volunteered this I was not even talking to him about it, he was talking about his exes and how this for him, was new). The other guy I had physical fire works for also has mental problems. So the guys I have felt that instant attraction for have not yet been matches for me - then again, I have only been single for about 3 months, so I am assuming that it won't take more than a few years to find that special spark with a suitable partner. So on the other side of the coin - I have had the " best friend, awesome person who you never get sick of being around- SANS instant chemistry and attraction. You all know how that ended. Can I say hookers:sick: I am sure it shouldn't be that hard for a girl like me to find instant attraction and chemistry with the right guy? Yes my two girlfriends are beautiful women - I may not be at their level look wise, however; is it still too much to ask for a girl who looks like me to find men who are instantly attracted and intrigued by me? Please don't tell me to settle for less than what I want - Please only tell me what YOUR experience has been. Again - I AM NOT looking for love or anything of real substance to be a first meeting thing - true love takes time - falling in love takes months and I am aware that what I am asking for is purely a physical sensation - followed by that person also happening to be a long term match! 1
Diezel Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 Just looks like a remix and rehashed version of your threads concerning the same thing, so don't be surprised you get the same type of responses. You've ultimately created a niche of standards and have successfully separated a lot of good qualities that will probably impede you from meeting the kind of guy you might like vs a guy you'd immediately "love" at first glance. But to address your question... is it lotto? Well, if over 50% of married people aren't getting it right the first time around and then within the remaining 50% of people there are groups of them that either are unhappy or just settled... yes, maybe it is a lotto. Sometimes it's not about getting the absolute best fit, sometimes it's about getting the absolute best fit available to you. You can have your standards, there's nothing wrong with that. You can have your way of checking the boxes, but along the way you might be eliminating a lot of really great potential partners, look back one day and say, "How come I never met a single person who fit all of my criteria?" I do checklists by the 100%th percent for things with no variables. Humans are chock full of those. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 The instant physical attraction is easy. There are tons of good looking people wandering around Physical attraction coupled with all that other stuff -- especially a meaningful connection -- that's the lottery. 4
mysteryscape Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 There's physical attraction and then there's physical attraction. I can only speak as a male. Love at first sight -- or very quick infatuation -- is different from lust at first sight (which is different from noticing that there are lots of attractive women). Love at first sight is very dangerous because it usually isn't reciprocated. On the other hand, when two people feel it toward each other, it must be very very powerful. I've heard of people who fell in love immediately, got married 3 weeks later, and lived happily ever after. But I wouldn't count on it, nor would I rule out other possibilities. If you make a list of everything you want to happen, it probably never will.
letmoc Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 I'm not going to tell you to settle, but I will give you some advice I hope is helpful. You need to stop comparing your love life to others. What works for them may not be what works for you. Just relax and let it flow. And when you meet somebody don't wonder if he is "the one" right away. It puts too much pressure on you and him. And to answer your question. I am a fan of friends before lovers, the slow burn those have been my best relationships.
PaperCrane Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 I find that people often believe they need to feel a certain way before they can do something, in a way creating validation. This validation is just a safety net. We do this out of fear of failure. Fear is irrational in this case because there is nothing lost in the trying. So, onto your question: You have a very, very specific list of things that need to happen. You're attempting this in an x + y + z = L method where L is love, and because of this; you're in love with the idea of falling in love. There is a lottery for you because you've created such a specific set of variables that must be met that 9.9 out of 10 guys simply won't match up due to simple circumstance. You're looking for a physical sensation and yet following that trend has led you here, asking us to validate your safety net. I'm not saying lower your standards. Lowering your standards is wrong, your taste in men is fine. However, standards should never bleed into scenario. You're already in a relationship with an idea and you're refusing to break up with it. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is only going to frustrate you further. It's like ordering a hamburger and expecting it to be chicken every time. I know I may sound harsh, but if within all this time you've not found anything, why not try something else for awhile? You have nothing to lose because you have nothing now. The end result we all look for is finding someone to love and love us back. If you start there and realize that as a goal instead of ending with a start (you're so focused on the beginning that the end is lost to you) you may very well find all the things you're looking for if you just opened up your scenarios a little bit.
JuneJulySeptember Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 (edited) Depends how picky you are. I am physically attracted to the majority of women. I can walk into a train car and be attracted to half, sometimes 75% of the age appropriate women. However, it goes without saying that almost none of those women are attracted to me. I think we are seeing what the problem is. Edited December 22, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember
GemmaUK Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 Attraction, love and compatibility are things no one has control over. Also, a person may be attracted but it can be an entirely different thing that makes someone fall for them - in the real sense. Your friends may well be attractive but it's their personalities and those of the men they are dating that has sealed the deal so to speak.
Author Leigh 87 Posted December 23, 2014 Author Posted December 23, 2014 Depends how picky you are. I am physically attracted to the majority of women. I can walk into a train car and be attracted to half, sometimes 75% of the age appropriate women. However, it goes without saying that almost none of those women are attracted to me. I think we are seeing what the problem is. I'm not picky. I feel instantly attracted to all types of guys.
JuneJulySeptember Posted December 23, 2014 Posted December 23, 2014 I'm not picky. I highly doubt that since I have never met a woman like that in my life. However, it is possible that you are less picky than typical women who look like you. If that is the case, then you should have no problems whatsoever.
Author Leigh 87 Posted December 23, 2014 Author Posted December 23, 2014 I highly doubt that since I have never met a woman like that in my life. However, it is possible that you are less picky than typical women who look like you. If that is the case, then you should have no problems whatsoever. The last guy I felt instant chemistry for is fat and bald and only older or over weight women have ever expressed interest. When I first met him we just had instant chemistry and an insane type of attraction. So yeah the men I feel instant attraction for aren't hot tto others. then again ..I'm not attractive to the majority myself.
Author Leigh 87 Posted December 23, 2014 Author Posted December 23, 2014 The instant physical attraction is easy. There are tons of good looking people wandering around Physical attraction coupled with all that other stuff -- especially a meaningful connection -- that's the lottery. So is it really that hard to find a partner whom you're actually attracted to? I'm not looking for a hot guy just a guy I'm attracted to and who is attracted to me from the outset not a guy who thinks I'm nothing special and who has to grow to find me pretty. I just wanted to instant physical attraction rather tha hhaving to wait months just to feel excited about dating them.
carhill Posted December 23, 2014 Posted December 23, 2014 I just wanted to instant physical attraction rather tha hhaving to wait months just to feel excited about dating them. I think that's reasonable. Romance is very different from developing friendships. In my case, it only happened once and she later turned out to be married! At that point in life, I had been infatuated many times, dated a bit but never knocked over by some stranger entering the room like that, never have been again and I've been around a lot of beautiful women over the decades and married one. This kind of stuff is a big deal when one is young so hey, don't give up on it. If/when it's mutual that can be really cool. Some people are blessed and experience it a lot. Others, maybe once if they're lucky. We're all different. Hope it works out for you!
green_tea Posted December 23, 2014 Posted December 23, 2014 I don't get why the attraction has to be instant. I've only been 'in love' twice in my life, and both times the first few times I saw the guys and interacted with them I felt nothing. But soon after I was smitten. It takes a bit of knowing more about a person before I can say I truly am attracted to them. It certainly shouldn't be months. More like days/weeks.
Author Leigh 87 Posted December 23, 2014 Author Posted December 23, 2014 I find that people often believe they need to feel a certain way before they can do something, in a way creating validation. This validation is just a safety net. We do this out of fear of failure. Fear is irrational in this case because there is nothing lost in the trying. So, onto your question: You have a very, very specific list of things that need to happen. You're attempting this in an x + y + z = L method where L is love, and because of this; you're in love with the idea of falling in love. There is a lottery for you because you've created such a specific set of variables that must be met that 9.9 out of 10 guys simply won't match up due to simple circumstance. You're looking for a physical sensation and yet following that trend has led you here, asking us to validate your safety net. I'm not saying lower your standards. Lowering your standards is wrong, your taste in men is fine. However, standards should never bleed into scenario. You're already in a relationship with an idea and you're refusing to break up with it. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is only going to frustrate you further. It's like ordering a hamburger and expecting it to be chicken every time. I know I may sound harsh, but if within all this time you've not found anything, why not try something else for awhile? You have nothing to lose because you have nothing now. The end result we all look for is finding someone to love and love us back. If you start there and realize that as a goal instead of ending with a start (you're so focused on the beginning that the end is lost to you) you may very well find all the things you're looking for if you just opened up your scenarios a little bit. I have been single 3 months. What I have been doing. ..which is rejecting perfectly lovely guys who are highly attracted to me because I don't feel attracted to them, IS working for me; I am very happy single. I would be less happy dating me I'm just not that into. I haven't been single long enough for me to determine whether or not holding out for instant attraction or sparks is going to be feasible. So far my first long term relationship started out with instant sparks and chemistry. We lasted years. My second long termer: no instant attraction. He never grew passionate about me. third long term R : we felt instant attraction and chemistry but I really didn't like him enough as a person to remain with him. So yeah. I think my some people are lucky enough to find mutual attraction that is instant from both sides.
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