Scared...

[Gloria25]

You know, in response to people posting stuff about being afraid to date again after a bad experience, I seem to be quick to tell them "buck up and jump into it, just look for red flags, carry on now".

 

But, now that I'm gearing up to get back into the dating world, I must say that I am very scared.

 

I wanna give more than a FWB a try, but after what I've seen recently, I'm guarding my heart again.

 

It just freaks me out that some people can be talking to someone every day, making plans with them and they are still interested in females (not women) they dated years ago and are talking to them behind their back.

 

Worst, probably when they look at you, the only reason they were sort of attracted to you was cuz you reminded them of a piece of trash of an ex. So, you think they were crushing on you and they never were.

 

And, if that wasn't disappointing enough, they appear to be mocking you by doing things they figure out you like with other people - with what appears the intention of you seeing that.

 

I already have trust issues and this recent situation makes my heart sink.

 

I don't know what to do. It's like I was having a glimmer of hope about going back into dating again, but now I'm just sad, disappointed, and scared.

[SpiralOut]

What do you mean by mocking you?

 

 

I was pretty scared to get into a relationship again too. I spent the past 3 years sticking with FWB because at least they didn't lie to me about screwing other women. I could hold myself apart from them emotionally and not worry so much about getting hurt.

 

 

There are some crappy people out there. All I can say is that it's easier to give someone a chance when you trust yourself to handle whatever pain comes your way. We can't avoid pain completely. We can decrease it by looking out for red flags and avoiding certain people or situations. Even so, at the end of the day, the people who loves us could hurt us by accident. Believe that you are strong enough to survive it.

[ktya]

I dont know if its that common to be attracted to someone because they remind you of an ex. Usually its the opposite. Each ex I've had has been quite different from the previous. I went from younger and average (pharmacutical grad) to my age and fat (single mom), then to younger and gorgeous (jail guard) then to same age asian and cute (casino manager), then to slightly younger and below average (single mom student), then went through a bunch of asians who were drop dead (medical field, preschool techer), then to a girl much much younger a party animal and hot (traffic flagger), then to an older woman who was average (nurse).

 

I met a lot of them through different vectors, a rave, nightclubs, online dating, in a pub patio, one wanted to rent a room from me.

 

I keep seeming to try doing something completely different and most of them turn out to be nuts anyway, except for the asians. Well I had one asian who was a bit nutter because she was a gambling addict, but the rest of them were super normal and had their act together. I seem to do better quality with asians so I'm going to stick to that in the future.

 

Not sure why you feel this way. Elaborate?

[Gloria25]

What do you mean by mocking you?

 

When I say "mocking", lemme go back to an experience I had with the guy who left me for the town ho.

 

After three months of dating, he said ILY. I didn't respond with ILY cuz I really, really, liked him but thought it was too soon for that. I pretty much told him I liked him and was going no where (that I'm his girl).

 

OMG, he started doing shytty stuff to make me jealous I guess?

 

First time, I had night duty, so usually when he'd come back to the barracks he'd like come by me and say like "g-nite" and go to his room. Well, this nite he didn't. So, as I'm doing my rounds, I see his vehicle back. I go up to his room literally for a little foolin' around (yes, while I was on duty)....

 

So, I hear "giggling". I knock on the door and there's this old Hispanic female dressed like a 2cent ho sitting on his bed. She looks at me and laughs. I just walk away and said to myself "I'm better than this".

 

Well, after a while he came downstairs and told me that 'If I want to come up stairs we can discuss this'. There was nothing to discuss. I was non-chalant and like to "escalate" it he was like "oh, she only gave me oral".

 

So you see, that f-er tried to hurt me just cuz I didn't blurt ILY in three months....pfft. Idiot.

 

So, I spent most of the "RL" (if you call it that) trying to prove that I cared about him, but didn't matter. All we did was fight and argue. I didn't trust him anymore and then came the town ho. He wanted to dictate to me how to dress, who I could talk to - and not to the town ho. Everyone knew she was the town ho, but she walked on water (to him). Well, I must say I was glad when I found out through the grapevine that she got $500 out of him, and reported him to his commander cuz he wouldn't leave her alone.

 

In my current case, I don't know what this guy's angle is. Let's just say he figured out I like X perfume, but instead of buying the perfume for me. He buys it for another chick, some how "intentionally" knowing word would reach back to me that he bought it for her. I don't know if he's projecting giving her the perfume as if he was doing it for me or if he's like "mocking" me by saying "Hey, look, don't you wish it was me doing this for you...ha ha". Reminds me of the Carrie reboot - where the popular girl convinced her bf to take Carrie to the prom, but Carrie suspected that they were just making fun of her. That dude would go to the extreme of going to Carrie's house, buttering her up, etc. to make fun of her at the prom. Some people are just cruel. Now, the bf and the popular girl were only trying to be nice to Carrie - but that's not the case in my case. I think he's making fun of me. He probably is getting off on the attention. Again, some people are cruel.

[ktya]

Wow your meeting some sleazeballs.

 

Even when I've been dating 10 women simultaneously (honest with them that I'm seeing other people of course) I'd have never done anything like that.

 

Try looking at guys of a different nationality, race, or career.

[gaius]

I think you're letting that army experience unfairly influence your perception of everything else. It's not a mocking thing to do what he's doing. It's an I'm attracted to you but I'm dating someone else thing and I'm not a scumbag.

 

You need a guy who's not that sensitive and isn't going to be put off by one or two ego dents.

[SpiralOut]

Okay well that first guy sounds like a douche. You don't say ILY then go get a blowjob from some other chick the next night.

 

 

As for the second guy, are the two of you seeing each other exclusively, or what's the deal on that? Does he know that you like him? If he thinks you're just friends, he may have bought her the perfume because he thought that if you liked it, then so would she. Maybe he didn't know what else to get and has no idea you like him. Guys can be sort of dense when it comes to gift buying. Though if he knew you liked him and was mad at you, I can see how it might have been a passive-aggressive thing.

 

 

You know reading some of your posts feels like I'm reading my own thoughts. I used to worry all the time about people tricking me like in that movie She's All That. I used to be picked on a lot, especially for my teeth. I still hate my smile and figure that everyone thinks it is ugly. There have been guys I really liked who liked me back but I ignored their advances because I thought they were faking it or making fun of me or didn't really mean it.

Edited December 23, 2014 by SpiralOut

[Gloria25]

Okay well that first guy sounds like a douche. You don't say ILY then go get a blowjob from some other chick the next night.

 

 

As for the second guy, are the two of you seeing each other exclusively, or what's the deal on that? Does he know that you like him? If he thinks you're just friends, he may have bought her the perfume because he thought that if you liked it, then so would she. Maybe he didn't know what else to get. Guys can be sort of dense when it comes to gift buying. Though if he knew you liked him and was mad at you, I can see how it might have been a passive-aggressive thing.

 

 

You know reading some of your posts feels like I'm reading my own thoughts. I used to worry all the time about people tricking me like in that movie She's All That. I used to be picked on a lot, especially for my teeth. I still hate my smile and figure that everyone thinks it is ugly. There have been guys I really liked who liked me back but I ignored their advances because I thought they were faking it or making fun of me or didn't really mean it.

 

Eh, I was thinking about the 2nd guy and I'm looking back on more encounters with him and am even more convinced I'm just an "ego" boost for him and he thrives on the attention.

 

I was thinking back when I've asked him like "were you checking me out", "do you recall speaking to me the other day", and he'd deny it. So, sounds like he's just playing games with me.

 

No, I never dated the 2nd guy. I just spoke to him now and then and we've crossed paths and I thought I was getting signals of interest from him.

 

So, I think 2nd guy is just having fun with stroking his ego and getting my attention...with no intentions/actual interest in me.

 

Now 1st guy, the ILY guy? Geesh, after I posted this, I started remembering. That nite he got the blow-job skank. I remember that he told me he was "going out with some females" and again, I was non-chalant, cuz hello, I'm not jealous. You can go out with whomever. But, I guess when I didn't care where/who he was going out with, he escalated to dragging that sleeze ho back to the barracks and you know.....the rest of the story. Gosh, all this over me not saying "ILY" in three months? Idiot.

[Frank2thepoint]

Wow Gloria25, you had some real douchebag boyfriends. I'm sorry these guys were too immature. I can only offer this piece of advice. Each person that you encounter is unique in their own way. Whether for good or bad. You can't be afraid of finding a new person in your life, just because a few were bad. Many people struggled through bad relationships of all kind, and too often the best way to learn is through mistakes. Don't hinder your yourself, nor deny your heart, a chance at finding a loving relationship from fear of being vulnerable. I know very well it hurts, giving a part of yourself, only for the other person mishandling what you gave. Don't feed your fear by holding on to a few boy's past actions toward you. What they did, they will continue doing to other unfortunate women. Think positive. You are no longer with those boys, you are free to give yourself a new opportunity, a chance at happiness.