goodyblue Posted December 23, 2014 Posted December 23, 2014 I was actually responding to some that said they wouldn't lift.a finger, that it was all on the WS. That is never going to work. But a little OT. Sorry bout that. I also think if she compared herself to me she would come out on top in the ways she compared, but in none of the ways tjat matter to him, so it is pointless.
Sub Posted December 23, 2014 Posted December 23, 2014 Its almost like saying "I was perfect in the marriage until I cheated but now its equal so we both have to pull 50%" sorry goodyblue, it doesn't work like that. I think there's an assumption by some that once an A is discovered and a couple decides to R, that both parties are starting the "work" from a similar standing. Just my experience, but as a BS, I was knocked down, floored by the A. So aside from whatever work I already felt I had to do separate from her A, there's an entire other issue that needs to be processed....another individual in the mix....and the fact that I'm potentially trying to R with a stranger. My W looked at me and knew who I was, good and bad. For a while I looked at my W and had to question who she was. For us, 50/50 wasn't realistic. More on-topic: Interestingly, what helped solidify my relative indifference towards the OM was when he told my WW: "I don't know how he could consider taking you back after what you did to him." I couldn't out-do that. 1
webwarrior316 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 First time poster so please be gentle. After my wife spilled her guts, I def tried to out do the OM. I tried to take on things I knew he liked to do with her (liked to play with her hair and she loved the way he hugged her). WHAT A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME! It got so bad, I tried to screw her the way I thought they had screwed.. but better. ONCE AGAIN.. COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. What I finally told her was that if she didn't accept me for who I am and if she didn't appreciate how I celebrated her, then that was her problem. I wasn't going to try and be someone else. I basically stopped feeling that the OM was a better man!! He obviously wasn't. As far as sex goes, she made it know to him many times that I was the best she ever had (read the texts myself on that one). The lesson I learned was that I was literally trying to out do my own self as my imagination was a bigger culprit than the reality of the A. "Be who you are and celebrate who you are." 2
nightmare01 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 I think this comparison / competing with the OP thing is REALLY common for us BS's. It sucks. It's self depreciating and self defeating. At some level I think this mindset is a part of what goes on in post affair HB (hysterical bonding)... trying to re-claim what you thought was yours. It's a stage I think we all go through, and as such probably can't be avoided by most of us. The truth comes to us eventually - as others here have said. We are who we are, and we can do what we can do. About 3 years past dday I found an old email my WW wrote to her girl friend (who know of her affair). My WW had sent this email a few months past dday after she had found an old photo of her and her OM. In the email she made the comment that she was happier with OM than she could ever be with me. I found this email years after she had sent it, and even though she was probably still in the fog of her affair at the time it still hurt to read. So I confronted WW with her email and told her that if she wanted to be with OM then GO. I would help her pack, and wave goodbye. We would have an amicable divorce and that would be that. I told her that I did not deserve to be anyone's #2 choice, and since that seemed to be the case she should GO. WW begged me to stay, and while things were rocky for awhile we are still together. So yes - comparing yourself with the OP is natural; after all our WS chose them over us at least for awhile. Also yes - while positive changes we make to ourselves are good things, these changes should not be done to try to keep our WS, they should be done for us.
HelenaHandbasket Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 No, because he was really never into anything I was into anyway. I remember when we were dating and I brought my basket of toys, he was totally offended and threatened by them. His cheating wasn't about the sex though, he didn't go after younger 20 year olds, he was having affairs with older women, 50's+ It was about his ego, nothing more. I think he has mother issues, he always needed constant attention, to be told how great he is how attractive he is. He told me these women would text him all day long how sexy he is etc etc. I couldn't be the mother figure to him, coddling and taking care of him, was never good enough. I even tried new things for dinner and he would roll his eyes and call it chicken feed.
Furious Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) After the initial aftermath of finding out about you WS's A are/were you eager to please your WS so that he/she wouldn't want to have another A or continue with the recent A? Basically, do/have you do everything possible to be this fantastic spouse so your WS doesn't think about straying again? Do you find yourself over preforming in bed and/or researching ways to better please your WS? I've been active my whole life and luckily inherited good genes. I was raised that good looks is an asset but not something that defines you...my parents wanted their girls to get a good education. I grew up in a loving family, and great roles models. On my d -day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. I had no interest in "competing". Odd thing was the OW was invested in competing with me throughout the affair. I think many OW/OM jump through hoops, say and do whatever they can to "win". It's mind boggling that winning a cheater is a goal. Edited February 2, 2015 by Furious 2
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