Can't get over what ex gf done when she was pregnant

[seany25]

This story could honestly go on for a long time, but I will try & cut it as short as possible. I did have another thread from over 2 years ago but I think it's best to start again since obviously things are different now..

 

An ex girlfriend (I use that loosely as she is a complete stranger now) & I have a son who is over 3 years old. Me & her met in November 2010 & had a short romance (3 months) during which I fell for her hard.

 

I was broken hearted when she dumped me but after a few months of pain I told her it had been nice knowing her, & I attempted to move on. Then after a while she texted me saying we needed to talk, she was 5 months pregnant.

 

A few days later I asked her was she seeing anyone to which she said “I can f*** who I want when I want”, obviously I was livid & told her I would be physically removing man parts if I found out about it.

 

Anyways, during the pregnancy she wouldn’t communicate with me. I never got to see a scan, never got to feel my baby kicking, she exchanged texts with me a couple of times & there was one phonecall in the 3 months before our son was born.

 

Then I got a text on day to say he was born. I was happy & went for a celebratory beer with my dad. Then a couple of hours later some facts started emerging; that my baby’s picture was all over Facebook 8 hours before I even knew about him being born.

 

I met him 6 weeks later during which time she got him christened without me.

 

She was with another guy in the following months & after I asked her to get back with me & she refused, I decided I had to move away for my sanity.

 

I did move 50 miles away & I can tell you now that the regular nightmares & anxiety attacks I had, completely vanished overnight. It was exactly the freedom I had expected, & needed.

 

Obviously i wasn’t running away from my son, I intended to see him again, which I did. I was however, running from the overall situation I had found myself in, & I’ve got to be honest, running from me being driven to eventually doing something drastic to I don’t know, her boyfriend? Her dad? Her cousin? In my eyes someone had to pay physical consequences, but I decided that moving away to the city was much more appealing than a jail cell.

 

At one point months later, after I’d moved, we were discussing getting back together & I asked why her & the other guy had finished, she said “I think he just got fed up having to share a bed with me & *****”, referring to my son. Of course I went crazy & told her I was going to damage this guy. Fortunately for him he has never crossed my path.

 

I think it might help if I list all the things I’m angry & resentful about…

 

Being excluded from the pregnancy

Missing all the scans

Not experiencing the privilege of feeling my first child kicking

Not being at the birth

Being told 8 hours after he was born during which time his pic was all over Facebook

Not meeting him until he was 6 weeks old during which time she got him christened without me

Having a boyfriend share her bed with her & my son

Not putting my name on the birth certificate

Letting me have so little access that I had to move away for my sanity

Not allowing our son to meet any of my family, or his 8 cousins

Making up lies to her solicitor about me being abusive at her sisters house during contact with my son

And pretty much missing out on the first 18 months of my child's life. Only seeing him about 10 times give or take.

 

There are loads more, but you get the idea.

 

The worst thing of all is that she was having sex with another guy whilst pregnant with my child. I also highly suspect she had sex with countless others while pregnant too, & I have my reasons to believe this. I also have solid reasons to believe she messed around with LOTS of men literally one after another during the pregnancy, just to get back at me for asking her. There are at least 11 men I either know about or strongly suspect. I have wished many horrible things to happen to her & her whole family because of this. I know we weren’t together as a couple, so apparently it’s up to her what she does whether she’s pregnant or not, but I do not care, that gives me no comfort. Ask any male what they would think if they were in that situation & I’m confident most would be furious.

 

As it is now I travel 100 miles to see my boy every fortnight for 2 hours. And our father son relationship is fine (it could be better in that she could allow me to take him to the cinema or something, but wont)...

 

But, my big problem is all the past stuff she’s done I really hate her for it. I have felt so much hate & there is so much to go around that I hate every single person in her entire family, her friends, people she works with, & anyone else who knows her & likes her.

 

I have wished her pain & suffering. I have promised myself I’ll get revenge. I even used to periodically make her aware that I will never let it go, & that retribution will avail some day, via social media statuses etc.

 

I know it’s not healthy, but understand that she created this pain in me.

 

After reading back over my previous thread I am certainly not as mad as I was 2 years ago when I hoping she would die & stuff. I do not think that now nor have I in a long time.

 

She has always asked me to stop bringing up the past as it's just that, in the past. I told her sister it was easy for them to say & asked her was she sure of why I was so angry. Then I went on to list all the things I was p****d off about, which she tried to excuse some of, & even went on to inadvertently inform me of something I never knew about, that one of the guys I am angry with, & I quote "she then went on to have a relationship with a long term friend who was there for her throughout her difficult pregnancy. You should be happy she had someone there"

 

Haha really? I'm supposed to be happy about that?

 

Then I told her that she had just confirmed something I had already suspected, that she was with that other guy during the pregnancy, that maybe he was even at the birth of my son etc? Basically expressing my total disgust & how livid I was about everything that was done. This was the same guy who shared a bed with her & my son, who after a few months p****d off because he "couldn't handle it" & "got fed up sharing a bed with her & him"..... So the way I see it is, he got to experience the pregnancy of MY child & experienced MY child coming into the world, then p****d off because it didn't suit him. He got to experience all the things that were important to me, that were mine. I hold nothing but complete & utter contempt for him.

 

 

I will never ever get the chance to experience my first born child coming into the world. That is gone, never to be got back. I don't have one happy memory from it all except for seeing my child for the first time 6/7 weeks after he was born. If I ever have another kid with a decent woman, I will be thinking back to what I missed out on the first time. It just probably won't be the same.

 

A few times I suggested I do something else with my kid than the contact centre, but she's just like NO. I asked her yesterday if I could take him to the cinema on 2 of the Saturdays in January since I won't make it to the contact centre in time. No. She will only allow either the contact centre or his home until she feels comfortable to even think about anything else (I have seen criminals get better treatment & access by their kids mother).

 

Earlier this year I applied for court stuff. Parental responsibility & my name on the birth certificate. Long story short the judge went from acknowledging that a child needs a father to taking a dislike for me. This was after he got presented with printouts of things I'd said on Twitter & Facebook (and some of you here had told me to be careful about this haha!) & he threw out my application stating that we continue the contact centre arrangement (there is no court order) until I'd had some form of professional help or something.

 

I immediately loged an appeal as I had a very good reply & defence to all the crap. Then after a day or 2 I just thought "do I want or need this stress & pain to continue?" I realised I didn't want to drag it out anymore & withdrew the application.

 

I effectively surrendered.

 

It wasn't only for myself but for all of us, me, my son, & his mum. If she is going back & forth to court she loses money at work & also has to pay, which means my son is affected too. So that reason coupled with my own peace enabled me to concede.

 

I then arranged some counselling to try & finally get rid of any anger & pain I still carried, because i did. It would pop up every few weeks. I did a ritualistic thing where I wrote down a list of all the things I didn't like that happened & all the wrongs I believe she committed against me, & cycled to the edge of the city at the docks, set fire to the list & watched it burn as I looked out to sea. That's not the only thing, I meditate & was using affirmations for a while, but the deep meditations I do are best. However, not fully cured from my pain & not long after I realised it was still there & that's when I tried the 6 counselling sessions.

 

I promised her I was going to let it all go. I admitted that I still felt down about it sometimes but that it was my problem & she would never again get s*** off me about it. I did really well, but I have a couple of times referred back to things from the past, which she hates me doing. I've tried really hard to forgive her, to stop my own suffering.

 

I often tell her what an amazing mummy she is (which she is) & I do give her credit (I'm thinking "great mummy but you've been a horrible person to me"). I give her money. Went split Xmas costs etc plus I gave her a lump sum as well to help over Xmas.

 

As it is now I see him every fortnight at the contact centre. I travel 100+ miles every fortnight for 2 hours. Yes I have been told by her I can have more time if I am able to make it once a week, & even visit out to her house, but right now I just can't afford that as she lives too far in the country & I can't get out there.

 

Did the counselling work? No. I still get mad at the past. It gets reignited when she says something to annoy me like last night when she said I couldn't take my own son to the cinema, I'm reminded of all the reasons she's been horrible to me, to put it mildly.

 

Other times it just happens when I think about all of it myself. Which is often, but at least every other week it gets to me really bad where I'll think of everything she did, feel my blood boil, become enraged, hope & wish all the men she was involved with while she was pregnant are savagely decapitated & castrated, then 20 minutes later Ive cooled down & I'm ok again. Or I'll have a few rounds on the punchbag to release it.

 

It would be nice for the pain & bitterness to be permanently gone but the sad thing is I think I've had to accept that I'm going to get angry every now & again & that's just the way it is for me. It's one thing practicing forgiveness towards the person responsible for all the pain & wishing them well, but another to think about forgiving the men involved. I can never see me wishing them well, or hoping good things happen for them, in fact I only wish wretchedness on them. It's disturbing that it's 3 & a half years later & I'm still hurting so much, looks like in 10 years I'll STILL probably be.

 

To be honest, I think it's fair to say that ALL of it boils down to what happened in 2011 & during & after the pregnancy. It scarred me so deeply. Over 3 years on & I'm still hurting. In that time some of the men I'm angry with are all happy familes with their new girls & getting married & having babies, & I'm stewing in envy & bitterness hoping they all die? It's not exactly fair that they get to do what they done in 2011 & then go on to live their life without consequence. If there is such a thing as karma I hope it gets them.

 

Technically, some of the men I'm talking about could be given a pass since it was before my ex knew she was pregnant. However that gives me no comfort whatsoever & I still despise them.

 

The past has a hold on me. For the new year I will try, once again, to let it go.

 

Opinions very welcome.

[seany25]

I realise that I have sounded really aggressive on this post which may have been a factor in the zero replies.

 

I can only apologise for coming across in the wrong manner & hope that I can be given the benefit of the doubt.

[EgoJoe]

No, it's just a rough topic.

 

 

Did you get a DNA test?

[seany25]

In a sudden turn of events i have suggested to my boys mum that we should get back together.

 

I had been really interested in this other woman though since about February, from Facebook. We had been getting close over text etc & i saw something happening with her long term. This might make you form judgements about her but she has 3 kids all from different dads. However she is not some benefits scrounge, she has a career as a social worker & she is just amazing in so many ways i could list but just take my word for it. Then 2 weeks ago we had a debate on facebook about a particular breed of young people in my city, who hijack cars - many of which are defenseless women with their toddler. I voiced my utter disgust & hatred for these little rats & would personally pay to see them hurt. But the "social worker" in this lady took offense to the things i said about them & said the opposite, that they should be shown compassion because they have underlying issues that need addressed.

 

So we had that debate which was a difference of beliefs or opinion, & she hasn't spoken to me since, i don't think she is going to either as I've sent 3 messages with no reply. No, we hadn't met before but i was really into her & were due to meet very soon when we weren't so busy & it was so disheartening to have built such a connection with her for it to go down the pan over nothing.

 

Back to my childs mum now. Not long ago she started sending me pictures of her & my son looking happy etc. i didn't really think nothing at first but then began to think she was hinting at me to see us all together properly, and in some of the pictures she does look really nice. She also recently suggested we take our son out together to the cinema (we have NEVER done anything even close to this). The other night i was having a few beers & i saw yet another photo of just her, on whatssapp, of her looking real good & i sent her humorous text that included us maybe getting back together & she replied positively with a smile.

 

The thing is just a few weeks ago i was sure i will never get back with because i saw something happening with this other lady, & now shes stopped talking to me, all of a sudden I'm open to getting back with my ex?

 

The things she did to me don't hurt as much any more, but they are still there deep down i just don't bring them out. I could, but i choose not to as they only hurt. The fact that they are always going to be in my memory means they could come out some time in an argument.

 

I think rather than jump straight into it we should meet for a few drinks & a chat - & I don't mean a chat about feelings & ****, i mean just have a laugh - maybe have sex, & then see how i feel about it... Although last night she did say that we could meet for a drink or something just cos we need to get on for our kids sake, but that there is no future for us because she cant forgive me for her court debt when i attempted to gain PR last year. Well she did worse to me.

 

Im also interested in this sexy little blonde 20 year old too who i hope to meet up with soon.

 

Im starting a new job next week in an office & what if there's some available hotties there? Haha

 

I don't even think i know what i want now that the lady i had invested too much feelings in suddenly removed herself from the idea.

 

 

I'm honestly not bothered either way. But does anyone think i would be mad to reunite with my ex after what she did to me?

[15Love]

Yes, I think you hold too much anger towards her. You might not be "bothered" on the surface anymore but you still sound angry.

 

You also sound like it's all about you and how it benefits you and how you'll feel. Maybe justified based on her past actions but definitly not someone you should get re-involved with.

 

It doesn't really sound like it's an option in her mind either. She's just willing to meet with the father of her child to get out for a bit. Don't make it into something it's not then get angry with her.

 

Did you ever make sure it was your child? Via DNA?

Edited July 28, 2015 by 15Love

[seany25]

Yes, I think you hold too much anger towards her. You might not be "bothered" on the surface anymore but you still sound angry.

 

Not as much as I used to be but yes deep down I do hold contempt for the things she did. Me being not bothered, is in reference to whether we got back together or not.

 

You also sound like it's all about you and how it benefits you and how you'll feel. Maybe justified based on her past actions but definitly not someone you should get re-involved with.

 

I don't know. Maybe I don't really care how she feels as she didn't care how much she hurt me. I care about her as my child's mother & if anyone physically hurt her I'd go crazy but emotionally I'm not as bothered.

 

It doesn't really sound like it's an option in her mind either. She's just willing to meet with the father of her child to get out for a bit. Don't make it into something it's not then get angry with her.

 

I won't get angry like I said I'm not bothered. I couldn't get more angry than she has made me in the past anyway.

 

Did you ever make sure it was your child? Via DNA?

 

DNA is not necessary because he is mine

[Phoenixashes]

You should get a DNA test...

[No Limit]

DNA test, yesterday. And don't expect things to get better if you move back in with her, she's as unstable as she was before and just needs someone to take the baby off her mind. You should have just asked her for sole custody and she'd probably be very happy about it too - after the DNA test, of course.

[seany25]

My kids mum rejected me & now i’m all pissed off & stuff.

 

She looked incredible last night in her whatsapp picture & i told her so. Then i mentioned again about getting back together. Lately she had been sending me lots of little cosy photos of her & my boy, planting a seed i believe, & then at the end she just tells me its never gunna happen, that she is moving on & gunna start dating again now that our son is that bit older.

 

Im not totally pissed about the rejection itself so much, because deep down i still truly hate her guts. What annoys me is the idea of another man playing daddy to my son.

 

Shes told me before that she would never change his surname, nor would he ever call anyone else daddy, so at least i don’t have to worry about that. However it does piss me right off the possibility of some other man building a bond with MY boy since they will no doubt spend more time in his company.

 

I just hate it all. I don’t want to be friends with my ex & some other man, & i can't see a scenario where we are all friendly – yes most likely due my stubbornness, & deep hurt from the **** she did, but that's the way it is.

 

 

Ps. I hate having to point this out all the time but DNA is not necessary.... Because even if there was a 0.00001% chance he wasn't mine, I DONT CARE!....... He is my son & I live him. Why is that so hard to understand? I'd never walk from him.

[TunaCat]

You just need to STOP being so angry. I can sense the anger through your posts and it makes me worry about your son.

 

You need to focus 100% on him. Do not say anything negative about his mother (especially where he can hear you) Remember you had sex with her and you knew getting her pregnant was a possibility.

 

You need to get some counseling for yourself and stop thinking about the hot 20 something girl or your son's mom. I know you said counseling didn't help before, but I think that was because you didn't fully commit to it. You need to fully commit to it in order for it to work.

 

Right now, you need to be thinking of what's best for your son.

 

What's best for him is for you to let go of that anger you have towards his mom and focus on learning how to parent with her.

 

Yes his mom's boyfriend may spend more time with him, but remember YOU chose to move 50 miles away to get away from this woman.

[lop98]

I feel for the kid because, yes, she sounds like a piece of work, but you sound aggressive, delusional, obsessed, possessive and dangerous thoughts seem to visit your head more often than you admit.

 

I will only say that it would be a good idea to stop looking at the past and how the future could be in your terms, on whether you should be back with her, or should've seen some scans, or felt "the first kick" (corny moment we all love? yes, necessary? NO- MOVE ON), your present and reality is: you had a fling for 3 months with someone you didn't know that well (evidently) and she got pregnant... sorry but this is not the love of your life or the love story of a lifetime, and you banging your head against the wall forcing things the hard way to become just that is pure nonsense and it will only affect a young boy that did not ask for two irrational parents. One of the main duties of being a parent is the ability to stop looking at how YOU want things to be or how you dream about them and instead, knowing how to put yourself in the shoes of your son, either way you look at his situation right now, he's screwed... if his parents are separated, you're hammering hard for a reunion and hateful but messed up enough to say you want to harm her but "she's an amazing mummy!", if their parents ever get back together, two words: living HELL.

 

Go back to therapy, spend whatever you have on a good therapist and turn your life and brain around. A person does not value the presence of a father for the 365 days he breathes next door but for the quality time spent with them, how you inspire love (instead of fear), how you can guide by example and abide to strong values like dignity and self-respect... having the courage to move on from a relationship that was always toxic with your head high.

[seany25]

You just need to STOP being so angry. I can sense the anger through your posts and it makes me worry about your son.

 

Im ok & happy most of the time. Its just deep down the anger & what she did turned to bitterness a long time ago. Theres no need to worry about my son.

 

Im not aggressive in real life its on posts like this i am able to rant freely, so i let it all out.

 

You need to focus 100% on him. Do not say anything negative about his mother (especially where he can hear you) Remember you had sex with her and you knew getting her pregnant was a possibility.

 

I don't say anything bad to her or about her in front of my son. I used to kick up to her all the time but I've come a long way past that. Now i rarely bring the past up, but it does come up now & again. I even have stuff i could kick up to her & probably will - things i want answered. Which will only make her mad but i don't care i will one day need those answers.

 

You need to get some counseling for yourself and stop thinking about the hot 20 something girl or your son's mom. I know you said counseling didn't help before, but I think that was because you didn't fully commit to it. You need to fully commit to it in order for it to work.

 

Im likely going to do some CBT within the next month or 2. The last counselling was just talking which was crap because it just resurfaced everything & there was no practical methods or work to help get over it.

 

Right now, you need to be thinking of what's best for your son.

 

What's best for him is for you to let go of that anger you have towards his mom and focus on learning how to parent with her.

 

I wish it was as easy as just "letting go of that anger", because its not. Ive tried to for 4 years. The pain is there, always getting smaller, but always there deep down & ready to resurface at any time.

 

Yes his mom's boyfriend may spend more time with him, but remember YOU chose to move 50 miles away to get away from this woman.

 

I chose to move 50 miles away to get away from this woman, yes.

 

Did i have any other choice? No

[seany25]

I feel for the kid because, yes, she sounds like a piece of work, but you sound aggressive, delusional, obsessed, possessive and dangerous thoughts seem to visit your head more often than you admit.

 

I admit very bad thoughts have entered my head many, many times. It is the primary reason i moved 50 miles away so that I wouldn't do something really drastic to the man/men she was with whilst pregnant with my child, & end up in jail. I made a good decision to move away.

 

I would never nor have i ever thought of harming her. Have i thought of harming men close to her? Hell yes i have...

 

The guy/s she was with whilst pregnant for example - it would still to this day please me to see them come to harm. That will probably additionally be transferred to any new guy she has in my sons life too.

 

Sorry but thats how deep of damage she done to me when she did what she did.

 

I will only say that it would be a good idea to stop looking at the past and how the future could be in your terms

 

Ive been building a good life & have just started a new career a few weeks ago. I have a lot going on & a lot to come, its just this past pain i cant shake.

 

, on whether you should be back with her, or should've seen some scans, or felt "the first kick" (corny moment we all love? yes, necessary? NO- MOVE ON)

 

I can probably forget the small stuff but screwing around whilst pregnant is absolutely undoable & thats why i'd take pleasure in seeing those men involved punished.

 

, your present and reality is: you had a fling for 3 months with someone you didn't know that well (evidently) and she got pregnant... sorry but this is not the love of your life or the love story of a lifetime, and you banging your head against the wall forcing things the hard way to become just that is pure nonsense and it will only affect a young boy that did not ask for two irrational parents.

 

Truth is i dont know why i was asking her to get back together because deep inside i hate her guts. Ive hated her for 10 times longer than i loved her, so it would never work as i hold too much contempt.

 

One of the main duties of being a parent is the ability to stop looking at how YOU want things to be or how you dream about them and instead, knowing how to put yourself in the shoes of your son, either way you look at his situation right now, he's screwed.

 

The entire thing was never any of my choosing. I had no say over anything or input on decisions. Which is another reason its so hard to accept any situation now.

 

My child is not screwed at all, there is never any hostilities or anything .

 

Go back to therapy, spend whatever you have on a good therapist and turn your life and brain around. A person does not value the presence of a father for the 365 days he breathes next door but for the quality time spent with them, how you inspire love (instead of fear), how you can guide by example and abide to strong values like dignity and self-respect... having the courage to move on from a relationship that was always toxic with your head high.

 

Im going to do CBT soon & see if its any good for me.

 

I know my son will always know im his dad & nobody will take that away. But i just dont think i will ever accept any other man playing that role, & my son being expected to answer to him or the other man doing things like going to school events or plays or basically doing anything a daddy does. This is not happening yet but im anticipating it as a possibility in the future. I do not want to be friends with that guy. I dont even want to be civil to him. If i did it would be utterly faked, but i he'll know, I won't be able to truly hide it. Thats how i feel right now.