Chahy377 Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 I had been talking to this guy for about two months...I know he was seeing other people which was fine. He knew I wasn't going to have sex with him without there being more between us. I really enjoyed his conversation and thought he was intelligent and had an amazing perspective. He at first came on really strong, but then started to act strange. He started to ignore texts, not initiate as frequently, wanted to hang out really late, and most important was barely responsive when I wanted to talk about meaningful issues. I asked him if everything was ok...and he said everything was fine. After a while I sent a very nonchalant text saying that I understand that he wasn't very interested anymore, and that it was ok...I wished him the best, told him I wasn't interested in contacting him anymore, and kept it light hearted and positive. I wasn't negative or mean. After a week I realized I may have made a mistake. Even though he cooled on his pursuit he was still responding to me and I realized I didn't want him out of my life. I sent this text: Hey..Things were so cool and I was genuinely happy to have a new friend!...then it got weird. I was confused about ur actions, so not reaching out anymore seemed best. Im an extremely honest person, but I apologize if I was too abrupt...I wasn't upset, or thought negatively of you...I hope that was clear in my well wishes. I want to treat others the best way I can, so just wanted to apologize. I didn't understand the situation before, which is why I've gone back and forth...but now I understand. Maybe we can talk once in a while, if you want. There's not many people I can debate acronyms with : ) He didn't respond so I sent this: I understand if you aren't open to reconnecting again, but can you please just let me know if you received my apology. I just wanted you to know I was sorry. I will respect your wishes whatever you decide, but please let me know. He never responded. Would you? At least just to say thanks, but I don't want to talk anymore. I feel bad.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 His lack of a response speaks volumes. He's not interested in maintaining contact, and in my opinion, your first apology text wasn't necessary anyway. The follow-up text was a bit cringe-y. I understand you mean well and he could certainly have done the respectful thing and told you he's not interested, but when a guy is truly interested, he will stay in touch. This ship has already sailed. 8
Diezel Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 I had been talking to this guy for about two months...I know he was seeing other people which was fine. He knew I wasn't going to have sex with him without there being more between us. I really enjoyed his conversation and thought he was intelligent and had an amazing perspective. He at first came on really strong, but then started to act strange. He started to ignore texts, not initiate as frequently, wanted to hang out really late, and most important was barely responsive when I wanted to talk about meaningful issues. I asked him if everything was ok...and he said everything was fine. Two months. He realized it was really going nowhere and probably found someone else who would accelerate the process a little quicker. Not saying that you handled approaching the relationship that way the wrong way, but two months is a long time. Also, on a personal note, whenever a woman sends me a message stating that we are "friends", it's a huge turn-off. But that's just me. 3
Jules Dash Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 This guy was already losing interest and it was completely unnecessary write him an awkward text pointing this out. You didn't need to give him a whole commentary on it or anything. In that situation, it is best to just back off. There is nothing else to say. You recognized that he had lost interest now just walk through the exit. So there was a part of you that was hoping he would give some sort of response from your first awkward text that pointed out his interest level but he did not take the bait and I would not have either. You then decided to send the cringe-worthy follow-up text. This guy is thinking "okay, I hope she just goes away now and this doesn't become too awkward and bothersome." You answered his question by sending him another text that said " I understand if you aren't open to reconnecting again, but can you please just let me know if you received my apology. I just wanted you to know I was sorry. I will respect your wishes whatever you decide, but please let me know." Ouch. I am not saying it is ok for him to ignore you but I am saying that I understand why he would do so. 2
cif Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 Reading your texts I was incredibly embarrassed for you. Read this: The Rules Revisited: The Importance of Personal Boundaries Then read the rest of his blog. Don't contact this guy again. 3
Author Chahy377 Posted December 21, 2014 Author Posted December 21, 2014 Ok thanks for the honesty...it's what I wanted. He is a guy that is kinda obsessed with women...he's told me he's had sex with over 100 women at 30...he started things off super sexually with me, but because of the fact he was seeing other girls I wasn't going to jump into bed with him. But he knew I was interested in him as a person...I wanted to talk to him, asked him questions about himself, know his thoughts and opinions. I guess it's clear he didn't want that...but instead of telling me he wasn't interested in what I was offering he made things confusing because he would still reply to texts/agree to hang out. Either way, I apologized, and feel stupid for it now because I guess it makes me look pathetic. The truly sad thing is that I was genuinely sorry for saying what I did....even if he didn't want to reconnect...in my naïveté I thought he would at least appreciate that I had made the effort to apologize, even if he didn't want to talk to me anymore.
newlyborn Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 you didn't do anything wrong. you took great care of yourself not sleeping with someone who was actively pursuing others. the fact that he faded away and then began to completely ignore you shows what you have missed out on -- absolutely nothing. 6
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 I don't understand why you felt the need to apologize. Him not responding should be telling you that you made the right decision to walk away. 2
Author Chahy377 Posted December 24, 2014 Author Posted December 24, 2014 He responded today. He said, "its cool, we're good". This is after I had beaten myself up for even reaching out to him based on the responses here....I'm not sure if his actions were really ok and I was being dramatic and invested too much early on. Not sure what to do
Diezel Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 His response was a "stringing text". Proceed with caution. 2
Satu Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 He responded today. He said, "its cool, we're good". This is after I had beaten myself up for even reaching out to him based on the responses here....I'm not sure if his actions were really ok and I was being dramatic and invested too much early on. Not sure what to do I think you are interested in him as a person, and he's interested in the possibility of you being number 101. 4
Omei Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 He responded today. He said, "its cool, we're good". This is after I had beaten myself up for even reaching out to him based on the responses here....I'm not sure if his actions were really ok and I was being dramatic and invested too much early on. Not sure what to do Do nothing! You've already been awkwardly clingy Don't text anymore unless he does it first
Trenton100 Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 I had been talking to this guy for about two months...I know he was seeing other people which was fine. He knew I wasn't going to have sex with him without there being more between us. I really enjoyed his conversation and thought he was intelligent and had an amazing perspective. He at first came on really strong, but then started to act strange. He started to ignore texts, not initiate as frequently, wanted to hang out really late, and most important was barely responsive when I wanted to talk about meaningful issues. I asked him if everything was ok...and he said everything was fine. After a while I sent a very nonchalant text saying that I understand that he wasn't very interested anymore, and that it was ok...I wished him the best, told him I wasn't interested in contacting him anymore, and kept it light hearted and positive. I wasn't negative or mean. After a week I realized I may have made a mistake. Even though he cooled on his pursuit he was still responding to me and I realized I didn't want him out of my life. I sent this text: Hey..Things were so cool and I was genuinely happy to have a new friend!...then it got weird. I was confused about ur actions, so not reaching out anymore seemed best. Im an extremely honest person, but I apologize if I was too abrupt...I wasn't upset, or thought negatively of you...I hope that was clear in my well wishes. I want to treat others the best way I can, so just wanted to apologize. I didn't understand the situation before, which is why I've gone back and forth...but now I understand. Maybe we can talk once in a while, if you want. There's not many people I can debate acronyms with : ) He didn't respond so I sent this: I understand if you aren't open to reconnecting again, but can you please just let me know if you received my apology. I just wanted you to know I was sorry. I will respect your wishes whatever you decide, but please let me know. He never responded. Would you? At least just to say thanks, but I don't want to talk anymore. I feel bad. Don't listen to anyone telling you that your text was too much. I would have responded to that. There's nothing wrong with being honest and descriptive with your intentions. Having said that, if all he says is "we're good" then let it go. Find a guy who will take the time to respond in the kind of way you wished for. 2
Danda Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 OP you seem very lonely from what you've posted in this thread, is that accurate? Do you have a couple good friends to spend time with? Speaking from experience (so I am by no means judging you here), it is a guaranteed train wreck when a person is deeply lonely and resorts to dating to fill that void. It sparks all kinds of hope and premature emotional intimacy because the attention is so quick and intense, but the attention is because the guy is looking for a mate, not a friend, and the drive is totally different. Then when they move on it can feel like you just lost a friend, which hurts a hell of a lot worse than losing a potential dating partner. 1
newlyborn Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 It sparks all kinds of hope and premature emotional intimacy because the attention is so quick and intense, but the attention is because the guy is looking for a mate, not a friend, and the drive is totally different. Then when they move on it can feel like you just lost a friend, which hurts a hell of a lot worse than losing a potential dating partner. such great insight! despite your not being very interested in this guy sexually, you do seem to crave emotional intimacy with someone who is not available for that -- outside of dating. i don't think you should respond or reach out to this guy again. you may find yourself compromising your own values just to remain in contact with him. don't beat yourself up about the texts either. who cares anyway? so you sent some jerk some texts... just let it all go. 1
todreaminblue Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 so he did respond.....i hope that him responding is closure for you......so you can move on from him......good luck....deb 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 24, 2014 Posted December 24, 2014 He responded today. He said, "its cool, we're good". This is after I had beaten myself up for even reaching out to him based on the responses here....I'm not sure if his actions were really ok and I was being dramatic and invested too much early on. Not sure what to do There's nothing more to do. You don't need to respond to that.
Author Chahy377 Posted December 25, 2014 Author Posted December 25, 2014 OP you seem very lonely from what you've posted in this thread, is that accurate? Do you have a couple good friends to spend time with? Speaking from experience (so I am by no means judging you here), it is a guaranteed train wreck when a person is deeply lonely and resorts to dating to fill that void. It sparks all kinds of hope and premature emotional intimacy because the attention is so quick and intense, but the attention is because the guy is looking for a mate, not a friend, and the drive is totally different. Then when they move on it can feel like you just lost a friend, which hurts a hell of a lot worse than losing a potential dating partner. Yes, you're right, I am very lonely. I enjoyed talking to him, and I really did genuinely like him as a person. And you're right, I feel like I've lost a friend, not a potential love partner. I wasn't rushing to have sex with him or anything physical...I liked talking to him and that it seems like he enjoyed talking to me. Even if he had told me that he wasn't interested and wanted to just talk once in a while, I would've been fine with that. The reason why I backtracked and apologized was because I still wanted to keep him in my life because I still wanted someone to talk to. I always am saying absolutes like " I don't want to talk anymore " instead of just not saying anything and going on with my life. Instead of keeping someone in my life or having someone who could now be a friend I've cut them out completely and I regret it as soon as I do it...and then try to apologize. Which makes me look crazy. I've always wondered why girls always have guys texting their phones or people who are constantly in their lives, and it's because they keep things open. I need to learn how to not rely so heavily on one person and to be more easy breezy about things...he would've been cool as a friend, and I ruined it.
Author Chahy377 Posted December 25, 2014 Author Posted December 25, 2014 Don't listen to anyone telling you that your text was too much. I would have responded to that. There's nothing wrong with being honest and descriptive with your intentions. Having said that, if all he says is "we're good" then let it go. Find a guy who will take the time to respond in the kind of way you wished for. Thanks for saying that...i wont contact him again.
Author Chahy377 Posted December 25, 2014 Author Posted December 25, 2014 such great insight! despite your not being very interested in this guy sexually, you do seem to crave emotional intimacy with someone who is not available for that -- outside of dating. i don't think you should respond or reach out to this guy again. you may find yourself compromising your own values just to remain in contact with him. don't beat yourself up about the texts either. who cares anyway? so you sent some jerk some texts... just let it all go. Thank you for this...this is a pattern that I'm trying to break, where I compromise my values just to remain in contact with a guy. I'm not really interested in sex, it would've been easy to have sex with him....I just wanted someone I could talk to/connect with. It clearly didn't work here. 1
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