I did the right thing, right?

[Liz0800]

Hello friends,

 

 

I recently posted on here; this is my update, outcome post. Your support and view is most welcome as I'm doubting me.

 

Brief version; I've known someone 14 yrs who is unavailable. Years ago our boundaries crossed. I said it was wrong on every level, mostly the morals and said never again would I line cross. This person and I remained friends and our work brings us periodically in to contact. Well, he tried for the last 8 months to lead us to THAT PLACE again. It was all sexual innuendo, banter, fun via texts with encouragement to hook up BUT I said no way. We both have fun humour and lots in common and I wanted our friendship to remain. I placed high value on them as a person. Professionally and as an individual they are thought of highly.

 

Outcome: after intensive texting for months they without ANY warning just went cold turkey. Nil for a month. I tried not to feel hurt but I did, just so badly,. I said in my head they are grown up and can do what they like, but that chucked feeling would not go away. I realised now that we had had blurred boundaries...I was neither able to be friend nor OW. I so wanted the former. Out of blue they made professional contact with me at work like nil had happened. Well I let myself down and I just abruptly blurted it out how I felt badly treated and totally discarded by their abrupt NC.

 

Their reaction; at time they said nil on the phone then three days later I got a text. Hence my post now. They said they couldn't understand at all where I was coming from, basically inferred they had better more important stuff to do than to upset me, that I'd now put a rift in place between us, they were sorry I'd got myself so upset and hoped I could let my distress go and find some inner peace!!!! I did not respond and don't plan to. I have never felt as patronised in all of my life. But you know the days creep on and one reflects. Somewhere underneath I feel like I've been spat out still in such a clever way by this person. But I'm doubting me just now. So;

 

Q1 - could I have been making a mountain out of a molehill? Was this person justified in their reaction.

Q2- is it ok to text persistently for months then nothing and expect the other person not to be upset

Q3 - were they being patronising in their text?

Q 4 - I feel in my heart still quite hurt by them and have just severed stuff by NC. Is this the best way? I feel if I text them again I will just get a harsh text back making me out to be a bunny boiler....I sure ain't that and have way too much pride.

 

Thanks for reading too.

 

L

[dyna85]

First off, it's completely understandable that you would express your hurt to this person that they disappeared for an entire month after continuous contact.. because that IS hurtful, so your feelings are right on point, and you should not feel bad about being honest and up front about those feelings. I can see why you would feel patronized by his apathetic response. Thing is... what kind of relationship did you have? If he's unavailable and you wanted something more in depth than just a platonic relationship, maybe keeping in such regular/frequent contact for such a lengthy period was a bad idea to begin with, and I would keep my distance, as it seems unlikely this person will change.

 

I think it's your choice as to how to respond, or if you should keep going with the nc. I can see sense in either decision. If you are to further express yourself - but like you said - you might not get what you're seeking - and I think his first response is indicative of it being a lost cause, in a way. I think, the ball is honestly in his court to make amends. If he's not coming around to show consideration for you, then he doesn't deserve your presence.

 

Of course, with this said, it depends on the type of relationship you had. How was it left, when he left you hanging for a month? Did you send a text awaiting a response, or how did the texts stop? If you were merely friends, then it's hurtful, but can be worked through if you are accepting of this form of flakiness and lack of consideration. However, it seems like you may need space even then. I had a friend who was flaky and I finally stopped communicating with him and we now have a renewed friendship, years later, and he's improved with his communication and commitment-wise. However, if it's a guy you were interested in more than on a platonic level, and he knew of your feelings, and was stringing you along with this back and forth texting, only to die off... it seems like maybe you should have cut this off way before it got to this point, because you knew he was unavailable, and nothing good becomes of someone unavailable, unless they dramatically transform into available, which doesn't happen overnight.