Messed up after 1 week NC. ? [updates]

[SethDamien]

(4-years relationship, 10 months of friendship post BU, 1 week NC) I thought i was doing great. A week passed since i went from being needy to being plain apathetic towards her.

 

But yesterday, this happened.

 

I was on my way to buying gifts for my family this xmas. It turns out she was also planning to buy gifts for her family that same night so she decided to tag along with me... with my weak and easily bended heart, i agreed.

 

She was being normal, she was her usual self and didnt even seem to notice/care of that week we never spoke.

 

(im seeing this as a sign that she may have not missed me after all)

 

This morning, i realized i forgot to buy a gift for my niece, so i decided to go to the mall again, and with my WEAK and PATHETIC heart, i invited her.

 

she told me she couldnt join me because the guy also invited her to buy presents for his family.

 

Now, im back to square one my heart is pounding like crazy... i resolved myself after crying and im pouring my heart out now...

 

now, i cant stop thinking about what they're doing... i've spent a week uniformed of their escapade, and now, just being informed their plan makes me feel weak again.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, SethD.

You learned something valuable about yourself, so I wouldn't say that you "messed up".

Obviously you need to set yourself a target for a longer NC. Tell yourself AT LEAST three months. If you feel any need to tell her your reasons, just tell her that you're experimenting and endeavouring to learn something about yourself -- you'll clue her in after the three months. (Not that you actually need to explain yourself to your ex; only if your heart tries to bullcrap you that you do.)

 

You're also not "weak" -- it is a brave heart, indeed, that tries to continue a nice-and-friendly with an ex for whom that brave heart still has feelings.

BUT. 'Brave' does not equal 'stupid'...at least, it does not have to.

 

So hang in there...and be not 'stupid'...only brave...because that is what you'll need to be, to get through the 3 months of NC, yes?

 

PS: Hope you got something nice for your niece

[SethDamien]

Thanks @Ronni_W!

 

You have a talent with your words that eases the most stubborn of hearts!

 

I guess i haven't made it clear with her, i just snapped communications without letting her know of my intentions.

 

But you're also right to say im not obliged to tell her..., but broken hearts tend to seek closure and im definitely aching to tell her everything im feeling.

 

im just worried that letting 3 months go by might actually draw her closer to the other guy... i cant bear the idea that i have nothing to look forward to after that time.

 

I feel using NC for the purpose of getting back with her will hit me hard, and that i'm in for a rude awakening.

 

do you think i should tell her?

 

1 week has gone by that i wasnt being needy, now i might just push her further away if i tell her im doing this because i still love her...

[Ronni_W]

SethD,

Sorry, but I don't know your backstory; all I've got to go on is what you posted in this thread.

 

So. She's with another guy and your brave heart is telling you that you still have a shot at reconciliation?

 

Seems you're going by "out of sight, out of mind" ... but equally valid is "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Not that I'd encourage false hope in that brave heart.

 

"Closure" isn't spilling your (emotional) guts to an ex, though. That is "opening up", not closing down.

 

Can you (your heart AND your mind) see your way clear to leaving it until...say January 6, and then asking her for a face-to-face, and then letting her know that you still are harbouring hope for a reconciliation, and then asking her to "give it to you straight", and then taking her answer for the absolute truth and final answer, and then doing WHATEVER it will take for you to move through it bravely, successfully and with dignity in tact?

 

I know it's tough. But sometimes, when it's over it is just over, SethD.

Them is just the breaks in our adult games -- and human dramas -- of loving and losing and loving, again.

 

Many hugs.

[SethDamien]

We live next door in an apartment, and we work in the same office.

 

I was being unfaithful. i did no physical cheating but rather emotional cheating (yes i'm an *******). So i know she was the victim and i should just "let go"

 

So she broke it off with me last February, but we decided to stay friends... 10 months post b/u and we were still the best of friends without me expecting that she was actually open to dating again.

 

During that time, i erased the other girl's number and devoted all my energies to reconciliation making my ex happy. I wanted to prove to her that i was actually changing for her, that she might see me in a different light, and that i might prove to her that she could trust me again, and show her every bit of love i could muster.

 

It was early November when i found out my office mate was making a move on her, and im noticing signals from my ex too that she's interested (though she never admits that she has feelings for him.)

 

now, i constantly mess up, i confronted the guy to "slow down" because i was still in love with her. But when my ex knew of the confrontation, she became mad at me... she told me all sorts of mean things like comparing me with the "other guy" that he was better... it was then i knew she'd rather comfort him than me...

 

November was the worst month of my life so far. it was a see-saw of emotions being angry, then sad, then endless crying for her, then back to being friends and being angry again. She eventually got fed up with me so she told me I should never see her again.

 

But still, for a week or so, we still stayed friends, but it was then i realized, our friendship was toxic for me. I was still in love with her, and seeing her everyday would just make me fall for her even more. And i didn't want to beg for her again because the cycle would just continue.

 

so after endless online help, and the advises of the beautiful people of loveshack, i decided to go NC. Im currently in my first week of NC where i am here now after messing up again

[SethDamien]

Just a backstory: 4-year relationship, We live next door in an apartment, and we work in the same office. Were both 23... sorry for my english BTW...

 

here's my honest story:

 

August - December 2013: I was being unfaithful. I did no physical cheating but rather emotional cheating, and i mean purely emotional (NO sexting/flirting). We actually went on a date ONCE, only so i could tell her how great my GF is.

 

February 2014: My GF found out about my chats with this other girl so she dumped me right off the bat, but we decided to stay friends...

 

February - October 2014: was a tumultuous time for me. My dad was dying of cancer (he passed away September 4)

Despite my sadness, my ex was there to give me comfort.

 

Also during that time, i erased the other girl's number and devoted all my energies to reconciliation making my ex happy. I wanted to prove to her that i was actually changing for her, and that i might prove to her that she could trust me again and show her every bit of love i could muster.

 

November: i found out my office mate was making a move on her, and im noticing signals from my ex too that she's interested (though she never admits that she has feelings for him.)

 

now, i constantly mess up, last November 22, I confronted the guy to "slow down" because i was still in love with her. But when my ex knew of the confrontation, she became mad at me... she told me all sorts of mean things like comparing me with the "other guy" that he was better than me...

 

November was the worst month of my life so far. it was a see-saw of emotions being angry, then sad, then endless crying for her, then back to being friends and being angry again.

 

December: She eventually got fed up with me so she told me I should never see her again.

But still for a week or so, we stayed friends, but it was then i realized our friendship was toxic for me. I was still in love with her, and seeing her everyday would just make me fall for her even more. And i didn't want to beg for her again because the cycle would just continue.

 

so after endless online help, and the advises of the beautiful people of loveshack, i decided to go NC. Im currently in my first week of NC despite living next to each other and working together.

 

But i just found out that my ex and officemate was going out together again. now, i cant shake off the feeling and im back to square one...

 

now im constantly hounded whether i should talk to her again or not...

 

i guess im just rambling here and letting everything out...

[elaine567]

 

But i just found out that my ex and officemate was going out together again. now, i cant shake off the feeling and im back to square one...

 

now im constantly hounded whether i should talk to her again or not...

 

To what end, what purpose?

You cheated, she eventually finished with you and she moved on.

Let her be.

You cannot be friends, as it hurts you too much, so why would you want to contact her again?

I think she has told you firmly that your relationship is ended, you cannot ever get back what you had, so YOU need to move on.

The fact you cheated in the first place shows that the relationship, even then was not great, else you wouldn't have cheated with another girl.

So stop placing her and the relationship on a pedestal. It was good while it lasted, but relationships are transitory.

We grieve, we learn, we get stronger and we look forward to what the world has in store for us next. It is life, you are 23, go live it.

[evanescentworld]

You do realise that after she dumped you, the two of you were never really an item at all?

She 'friend-zoned' you.

You had no relationship to speak of, from February of this year.

You have been clinging on by your fingernails, but she has always, clearly, not even considered you a BF at all.

 

Have you seen the No Contact Guide? The original author also worked with his GF.

He managed it beautifully, by sticking tightly to his own advice.

I would suggest you do the same.....

[Halcyon]

Seth mate, I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Honestly though as hard as it is you really need to let go of the idea you are going to get back together. You are not going to be able to move forward until you do this. You need to chalk this up as a life lesson. Don't take the people you love for granted and don't treat them badly or you will lose them as you have learnt the hard way.

 

Trust is not something that is easily earned back especially after something like cheating it's really, really hard to move on from that. That is why it's just easier to start something new than try to fix that. Trying to tell the other guy to back off would have made you seem very controlling and probably with her trying to trust you again would have put it back to square one.

 

You just need to accept not everything can be fixed. Sometimes being genuinely sorry is not enough once the damage is done, I think this is one of those situations.

[SethDamien]

Its been 1 year since we broke up.

 

We broke up because i dated a crush only to tell her how great my gf is. (But i dont deny my fault)

 

Last November, i went mad for a while after finding out shes dating our officemate.

 

it was a roller coaster of emotion, i'd get angry, then apologize, then get angry again, then beg for her again, over and over again.

Even though i knew i dont have the right of it, i still went on with my act.

 

I have a bit of hypertension anxiety which makes heartbreaks literal and THAT much harder to cope, and it certainly doesn't help my impulsiveness.

 

a month seems too short but i have taken steps to improve my life.

 

Still, it didn't change the way i feel about her... i figured these measures were just to let me forget my sadness but when im alone, i'd get depressed all over again.

 

I feel I've wasted a year vying for her affections when i should be mingling with others. I cant understand whats keeping me attached to her. There are times when i think to myself she's no longer worth it. That she's emotionally 'ugly' in my thoughts, remembering how she treated me like crap throughout our relationship (verbal abuser). Still, i keep remembering the time we were happy, and she supported me in all aspects of my career and personal life...

 

I guess im just venting...

[dyna85]

Seth.. who broke up with whom? I don't know how long you were dating, but one year of healing is not that long, in the grand scheme of things. By that I mean, it can take years to fully accept the loss of someone, so it's okay that you're not yet over it.

 

As far as you experiencing intense emotion and acting impulsive after finding out your ex was dating someone else, that's completely normal. Anger? A total normal human reaction to something that doesn't feel so good.

 

Heartbreak is quite the rough ride. It just takes time. The pain may seem to linger on and on, and you will check in with yourself at times and question your progress in terms of healing, but you just gotta keep marching on, and one day, you will find that you're reflecting on the situation less and less... and then you'll have moved on and will be open to better options out there.

[SethDamien]

She broke up with me. We spent 3 years together.

 

Having crushes with other people is normal within a relationship, right? heck, she even had dinner with her crush one time. But she was HONEST with me so i knew about it.

 

I on the other hand, watched a movie with my crush and had dinner AND our topic during our "date" was about how much im loving my girlfriend. (She was her cousin btw) but we were also really close friends

 

Bottom line, i kept the "date" a secret but 6 months later, my gf eventually found out and broke it off.

 

I acknowledge my fault for lying.

 

I want to move on, But i always have the urge to text her or look up her facebook page, or even thinking of winning her back. I know what my mind wants but my heart is always against it.

[SethDamien]

That was one year ago. It isnt normal clinging into them for that long right?

 

I know people keep holding on to their exes for years but what about keeping the desire to plead to them, text and befriend them for a year? Everything failed so far, so im going NC. But like i said before, NC is like a hard workout. You either end up ditching the routine, or tear your muscles apart keeping up with it. For me atleast.

[Satu]

She broke up with me. We spent 3 years together.

 

Having crushes with other people is normal within a relationship, right?* heck, she even had dinner with her crush one time. But she was HONEST with me so i knew about it.

 

I on the other hand, watched a movie with my crush and had dinner AND our topic during our "date" was about how much im loving my girlfriend. (She was her cousin btw) but we were also really close friends

 

Bottom line, i kept the "date" a secret but 6 months later, my gf eventually found out and broke it off.

 

I acknowledge my fault for lying.

 

I want to move on**, But i always have the urge to text her or look up her Facebook page, or even thinking of winning her back. I know what my mind wants but my heart is always against it.

 

*No. It isn't normal. If you love someone you don't get into other people.

 

**No. You don't want to move on, but you should.

 

Life is short. Every day you spend being miserable about her is a day that's gone, a day you've wasted, and and a day you can't get back.

 

Man up and get on with your life.

 

Delete, block, forget.

[Jimmyjackson]

How long have you been NC?

[organizedchaos]

She broke up with me. We spent 3 years together.

 

Having crushes with other people is normal within a relationship, right? heck, she even had dinner with her crush one time. But she was HONEST with me so i knew about it.

 

I on the other hand, watched a movie with my crush and had dinner AND our topic during our "date" was about how much im loving my girlfriend. (She was her cousin btw) but we were also really close friends

 

Bottom line, i kept the "date" a secret but 6 months later, my gf eventually found out and broke it off.

 

I acknowledge my fault for lying.

 

I want to move on, But i always have the urge to text her or look up her facebook page, or even thinking of winning her back. I know what my mind wants but my heart is always against it.

 

Huh? Where did you get this idea it's normal? To me this indicates you both didn't want to be in the relationship. Pretty messed up on both sides. My gf tells me she has a crush on another man and we're done.

[SethDamien]

I know this has been dragging. But i cannot get her out of my head. In another blog, they mentioned, is it fixation, obsession, or normal grieving?

 

Its been one year since she broke up with me. It was a complicated relationship but we made it clear we had a "commitment" and kept that way for 3 years. I made mistakes, and i admit it was the worst mistake i have ever done in my life. It didnt work out for her so she pulled the plug.

 

I did what needed to be done. Erase her number, i exercised, opened up to my family, hanged out with new set of friends. I even unfriended her to reduce my risk of cyberstalking her but i wasnt expecting it would take this long to overcome.

 

Now, i was feeling down. Lower than most days. Sometimes i feel looking at websites about dealing with breakup is counter-productive. And watching movies or starting a hobby is a heavy burden because all it does is remind you that your diverting your thoughts from her and you get reminded again. Hanging out with new friends helps me forget her for the moment only.

 

Sometimes i wish i could just forget her in a snap. Im being selfish to the people around me, and im being selfish with myself. My obssession is really consuming me and i cant get out of it.

 

I wish it was as easy as telling me to "man up" or "suck it all up". But i really loved this woman. But right now, i just want to forget her but dont know how. Its ruining my time, its ruining my very being.

[Ieris]

You know, it's ok to love and care for someone yet not be with them. I loved someone once and as hard as it was to let him go, i did because I wanted him to be happy. I have fond memories of him, I don't feel sad, I don't have those romantic feelings anymore, i just care deeply for him but at a distance.

 

You should do the same, you don't have to kill off all your feelings for her, you don't have to convert them into anger either. Just box up all those feelings and tuck it in your heart somewhere. You don't have to delete her completely, she's a part of your history, she'll be in your memory and there she will exist. Don't feel like all is lost, no one can take away those moments you shared, they're not going anywhere whether you hold onto them or not. Hopefully one day you can look back and those memories can make you smile or maybe they won't even matter anymore... Who knows?

 

So you spent a year focused on her, when are you going to start focusing on yourself? It is good to try new things and make new friends, but not for the sake of taking your mind of her. You have to want to do these things for yourself and not make her the sole reason for everything you do.

 

You need to divert that love your have for her onto yourself and your family because right now you're just pouring it down the drain. It's not going to get you anywhere and if you are serious about not obsessing about her then you better start putting your focus elsewhere. How many years do you want to waste? Where is that going to get you? I don't want to come on here in a years time to see you with a new thread titled "Still addicted to ex of 2years".

 

I hope you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel someday but one thing is for sure, you won't see it if you keep looking backwards x

[JamesMoore]

Know how you feel man.

 

Try to just let go. It is okay to think about her, be obsessed with her, and so on. You don't have to eliminate anything. Just notice your thoughts and feelings without judging them.

 

I would recommend meditation too. It is a great way to practice letting go and just being with what is.

 

When you can accept what is going on, it will no longer bother you. At least, that's my experience.

 

You can also read my story here: http://goo.gl/xQmA60

[JFReyes]

I have fond memories of him, I don't feel sad, I don't have those romantic feelings anymore, i just care deeply for him but at a distance.

 

My ex has the same feelings for me; it's good to know, but hard to swallow.

 

Peace

:-)

[erklat]

Yeah, it is okay to feel those feeling . Forums can send you spiraling down , I had to stop

frequenting here once because I had panic attacks for 11 months. Now it makes me happy

to help others in their quest for happiness.

 

You just fake till you make it.

[erklat]

My ex has the same feelings for me; it's good to know, but hard to swallow.

 

Peace

:-)

 

How do you mean? How do you know?

[JFReyes]

How do you mean? How do you know?

 

She told me. And by hard to swallow, that also includes hard to believe although in our 10 years together I never knew her to be a liar, so I give her the benefit of the doubt.

Edited January 8, 2015 by JFReyes

[Ganz7]

I know this has been dragging. But i cannot get her out of my head. In another blog, they mentioned, is it fixation, obsession, or normal grieving?

 

Its been one year since she broke up with me. It was a complicated relationship but we made it clear we had a "commitment" and kept that way for 3 years. I made mistakes, and i admit it was the worst mistake i have ever done in my life. It didnt work out for her so she pulled the plug.

 

I did what needed to be done. Erase her number, i exercised, opened up to my family, hanged out with new set of friends. I even unfriended her to reduce my risk of cyberstalking her but i wasnt expecting it would take this long to overcome.

 

Now, i was feeling down. Lower than most days. Sometimes i feel looking at websites about dealing with breakup is counter-productive. And watching movies or starting a hobby is a heavy burden because all it does is remind you that your diverting your thoughts from her and you get reminded again. Hanging out with new friends helps me forget her for the moment only.

 

Sometimes i wish i could just forget her in a snap. Im being selfish to the people around me, and im being selfish with myself. My obssession is really consuming me and i cant get out of it.

 

I wish it was as easy as telling me to "man up" or "suck it all up". But i really loved this woman. But right now, i just want to forget her but dont know how. Its ruining my time, its ruining my very being.

 

 

Know how you feel man. This is how I still feel after three months but I have noticed it's not as bad as it was two months ago. In my case I was told by my ex that she moved out to live with a female friend until she could sort her own accommodation. Then I discovered she had cheated on me and had actually moved straight in with her new bf of 7 months and finally on Christmas day I found out she had proposed to her new bf and they are now getting married. My attitude to her is: get lost - if only it was that easy.. Feelings, thoughts and memories mess with your head.

 

Reading posts on websites like this can get you thinking about her again but then again someone will post a reply so good that it will make you feel much better about yourself. It drags you out of the low place you are at the time. It's also great knowing someone has actually taken the time and effort in replying. Somebody actually cares about you. How good is that eh? Compare that to my ex who I have heard nothing from since I bumped into her and her new bf in town a couple of months ago. If I was the person who dumped someone I would at least check up on them to see if they are ok. I was not clingy during the breakup and have maintained total NC for nearly two and a half months now but not a bean from her! She couldn't care less.

 

The thing is Seth something like this will change you forever. I just realised this fact today. All I want is to go back and be like I was before my ex walked out. But you know what.. that old me is gone forever I think. An experience like a BU, especially of a long term relationship, shakes the very foundations of your self-being. You just have to look at this and how it will make you stronger. A little bit of my former self died when she walked out. I'm not sure it happened to her. I think she is carrying on as normal or maybe not. I'll never know.

 

I was tempted to type an email last couple of days outlining how I feel about what happened but then realised it will only benefit her. She may use it as a way to justify her actions about what she did. An even worse thought she may use my email as an opportunity to forgive herself or worse may even persuade me to forgive her.

 

Just do NC and keep your Karma clean.