Boyfriend left me home alone and sick

[Winterina]

Sounds like I'm in the minority but I think it was a pretty crappy move of him to go out and party leaving you really sick. And food poisoning is really horrible.

 

If it was a REALLY special night out, say a Christmas thing with all of his friends from home he doesn't see very often, then as the sick person I'd be encouraging them to go and be happy if they went. But the gesture of even offering to stay would be appreciated, and if it was just a night out like any other I would feel quite upset that they went and left me.

 

I guess if I was in your boyfriend's situation I'd have said that I'd stay and look after you, bring you stuff, make sure you've got everything you need, and just be with you if you'd let me. Whenever I've had boyfriends be sick I actually love looking after them, making sure they have no reason to get out of bed, I actually get a kick out if it because it's a lovely way to show how much you care about someone. Ditto with my best friends, asking if they need anything and popping over to give them company.

 

So yeah, after four months I would be miffed. It's not a week or two, it's several months, long enough to know you're exclusive and whether you're both taking it seriously (enough).

 

However, it honestly might be that he was just thoughtless, rather than that he weighed it up and you came out lower than partying. Some people like to be left alone while sick, perhaps he assumed you'd be the same (especially if you had the... typical symptoms of food poisoning).

 

Others will advise differently but in your position I'd just be really honest next time I saw him. Say something like 'I'm glad you had a good night, but I couldn't help but feel a bit abandoned when you didn't want to stay and take care of me' and see what he says. Sure, people will say it's too much, too clingy, blah blah but at the end of the day it's how you felt and I'm a believer of talking honestly in a relationship, especially if it's a scenario that WILL come up again in the future.

 

Either he'll be sad that he missed the opportunity to take care of you and hadn't even realised it's what you'd want. Or he'll accuse you of being pathetic and selfish and lay on the guilt trip of 'I can't believe you wanted me to cancel my plans just for you'. Either way, you'll get an insight into how strongly he feels about you and how likely in the future he is to be the kind of guy that takes care of his partner.

 

I second this. People should not leave people unattended in such condition, IN PARTICULAR if it is the girl you are dating and who might look up to you for some protection in those moments. He does not seem to be very protective of you. I recon he never had to take care of and think about anyone else but himself during his life.

It would be a red flag that he might always put his friends and his fun ahead of you, even when you are sick, let alone if you would just need him to be there for something else.

And you are right to judge people that you socialise with on the basis of your own attitudes. Whose attitudes are you going to judge people by if not your own? You and everyone else needs a filter as to whom to let in and whom not to let into their life.

Those who will advise you that something is wrong with you because you have expectations as to how others should treat you are the same people that are often selfish and do not really have feelings for the needs of others.

Just my five cents.

[Winterina]

That's a completely different situation.

 

This situation is something that happened hours in advance. I get what the OP is saying, but the underlying tone of the original post is... "My boyfriend should shut down his entire life if something happens to me. Because I would do that for him."

 

Not the entire life (where are you reading that from??), we are talking about quitting from one lousy party with friends at the time of need.

[Gaeta]

I am with the minority here. I think it was cheap of him to leave you alone especially with food poisoning. You could have dehydrated badly, lose consciousness, start puking blood and needed to be taken to hospital. Food poisoning can be serious it's not like having a runny nose and wanting to stay home wrapped in a blanket.

 

I don't care if we have been dating 2 months, or 4 or 1 year. If I am with you in your home and you suddenly get sick I will take care of you and watch over you.

[elaine567]

I don't care if we have been dating 2 months, or 4 or 1 year. If I am with you in your home and you suddenly get sick I will take care of you and watch over you.

 

...if some next door neighbour who I hardly see, got ill with food poisoning, I may not stay all night but I would periodically check to see she/he was OK.

As you say food poisoning can be pretty dangerous depending on the bug.

[bathtub-row]

No, I guess you're right I wouldn't expect the same from a friend.

 

As for our relationship, we are still quite young in the relationship. We both are totally monogamous, and all his friends know of me and he is very proud for me to be known as his partner.

 

A bf isn't the same as a friend so that's not a good analogy. His behavior is very self-centered and uncaring; not to mention that he added insult to injury by indicating that he wouldn't see you until next week. Seriously? I wouldn't like this AT ALL.

[Diezel]

Not the entire life (where are you reading that from??), we are talking about quitting from one lousy party with friends at the time of need.

 

Hyperbole, it exists.

And it's not just ONE lousy party. Let's get serious here. If he does it ONCE, he's expected to do it every time after as well. No matter what.

 

It sets a precedent. And yes, the whole "I'll bring you some meds next week" is bizarre. But some of you are taking this situation specifically at face value when there is so much more implied. The OP is projecting expected behavior from him based on what SHE would do and not everyone is like that.

[elaine567]

Hyperbole, it exists.

And it's not just ONE lousy party. Let's get serious here. If he does it ONCE, he's expected to do it every time after as well. No matter what.

 

It sets a precedent. And yes, the whole "I'll bring you some meds next week" is bizarre. But some of you are taking this situation specifically at face value when there is so much more implied. The OP is projecting expected behavior from him based on what SHE would do and not everyone is like that.

 

So everytime she is sick, she needs a shoulder to cry on and a mop for her brow. Damn right she does and he needs one too, if he is sick.

The lack of normal caring behaviour, is what is being discussed here, not whether he goes to parties or not.

 

If she was throwing a sickie everytime he leaves her side, then there would be a different problem, I agree, but when a person gets food poisoning, then it is about caring, surely?

[Phoe]

Not everyone is a natural nurturer. If they were, we wouldn't need doctors and nurses.

 

Some people get massively queasy or anxious around sick people. Some people imstantly throw up if someone else throws up. For all we know, if he'd stuck around he'd start barfing his guts out too!

[elaine567]

Not everyone is a natural nurturer. If they were, we wouldn't need doctors and nurses.

 

Some people get massively queasy or anxious around sick people. Some people imstantly throw up if someone else throws up. For all we know, if he'd stuck around he'd start barfing his guts out too!

 

He might have done, but he could send someone else round to help, he could have sent texts to see if she was OK, there was a lot of things he could have done without having to be in the same room. Anti emetics and anti diarrheals can be procured from any pharmacist, for instance.

Saying "I'll bring round some meds NEXT WEEK, is the mark of...

I am not exactly sure what it is the mark of...

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I agree this guy sounds like a jerk (who brings medicine for a short-term illness "next week"?) but it seems like we're going way overboard.

 

People should not leave people unattended in such condition, IN PARTICULAR if it is the girl you are dating and who might look up to you for some protection in those moments.

 

For protection? Protection from what, the slightly undercooked burger she already ate? Is he supposed to fish it out of her small intestine?

 

So everytime she is sick, she needs a shoulder to cry on and a mop for her brow. Damn right she does and he needs one too, if he is sick.

 

I don't need or even want a "shoulder to cry on" every time I'm sick. For example: I had a horrendous chest cold this past week. I woke up at 1 AM, coughing up my half of my internal organs and wheezing so badly I felt dizzy. Did I call my boyfriend in the middle of the night and ask him to buy me medicine? No, I put on sweatpants and walked to the 24-hour CVS, because I'm a freakin' adult.

 

We all agree this guy is kind of a tool. He's inconsiderate to say the least. But food poisoning is typically not a big deal. Expecting OP's guy to cancel their long-established plans with friends so he could stay home and listen to her explosive diarrhea is a little much.

Edited December 20, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[elaine567]

Expecting OP's guy to cancel their long-established plans with friends so he could stay home and listen to her explosive diarrhea is a little much.

Well when you put it that way....LOL!

 

At least you agree he is an inconsiderate jerk.

[preraph]

I would expect him to find out if you're going to be okay on your own before going out and at least asking if he can bring anything back for you. But I don't think he necessarily should sit around with you in a non-life-threatening bout of food poisoning. I mean, in his mind, he might be thinking you'd have diarrhea and not even want him around. I mean, I wouldn't want anyone around if I was really sick like that. I'd want someone to check up on me, but not be there all the time. He should have made sure you were okay and didn't need anything though.

[bu2002]

I think each circumstance is different. I didn't really every response, but I'm curious about him going out.

 

#1 - Was it just regular get together with the normal crew?

 

#2 - Was it a special occasion or birthday?

 

#3 - Was someone going to be there that he hasn't seen in awhile? (maybe an old friend or extended family member in town)

 

For the first one, I would be inclined to offer to stay home. For #2 and #3, I would think the partner I'm with would encourge me to still attend w/o them and it's okay.

[ufo8mycat]

A bf isn't the same as a friend so that's not a good analogy..

 

This is true, most of my friends I have known and had close relationships with for over 4 months. I still wouldn't expect a friend to stay close by and wipe my brow for a bout of gastro. The OP doesn't describe food poisoning that went on for days on end. So hardly likely to be life threatening or result in a perforated oesophagus.

 

There is NO WAY i would want a new boyfriend watching me spew for my country four months in. I had a nasty gastro bug when travelling overseas with my husband in a small hotel room and even in marriage there are some things that I am happy to remain private.

 

The offer to pick up drugs next week was pointless and unhelpful.

 

But I think I know where the OP is coming from, sometimes you want someone you are about to want to care for you. You know you can't make them and it isn't always rational but the-want-them-to-want-you never is.

 

Hope your feeling better. I personally wouldn't take this as too much of a red flag unless there are other behaviours that are in the back of your mind. Some people don't do caring well or apply what they would like (in my case, leave me the hell alone). I had surgery on thursday and went in my own and the surgeon called my husband when I was ready to go home. It wasn't a massive deal and hand holding in this scenario was boring. I don't hold it against my husband that he didn't offer.

[PogoStick]

 

Am I wrong for feeling a little sad he would still go out with his friends and leave me here sick?

 

Does anyone have any thoughts? Am I wrong to feel a little upset, or am I too demanding.

 

Are you older than 8 years? If so, then I think you can handle an upset tummy on your own.

[veggirl]

oh for god's sake. leave it to LS, this guy is now A-hole of the year for leaving his new girlfriend when he had plans and she fell ill.

 

This is not a huge deal. What are you gonna do while someone is laying there sick anyway? Just sit and watch? Why would anyone want to make their partner just watch them sleep/puke??

[bathtub-row]

oh for god's sake. leave it to LS, this guy is now A-hole of the year for leaving his new girlfriend when he had plans and she fell ill.

 

This is not a huge deal. What are you gonna do while someone is laying there sick anyway? Just sit and watch? Why would anyone want to make their partner just watch them sleep/puke??

 

Let's just say for a second that it was ok that he left her and went to the party. So, he's going to check up on her in a week? This whole thing is ridiculous. What he did was completely uncaring and insensitive.

[bachdude]

Okay so I've been with this guy for 4 months.

 

We had plans today to spend the day together, then go out tonight with his friends. So we have spent the day together, and ate lunch at this particular restaurant.

 

However after lunch, I became quite ill with really bad stomach pains, and ended up vomiting. He said he doesn't think I should go out tonight (which is a fair call), he said I should just stay home and rest. I'll admit, I'm feeling like crap and I don't look well, so I think staying home is a good idea.

 

The thing is, he has gone on out without me, even though I'm quite ill and vomiting - as he was leaving he was like, get plenty of rest, and I'll bring you some heartburn medication next week when I see you.

 

Am I wrong for feeling a little sad he would still go out with his friends and leave me here sick? I do want him to go and have a good time, however if the roles were reversed I most likely would cancel on my friends to take care of him.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts? Am I wrong to feel a little upset, or am I too demanding.

 

If we were exclusive after the four months, I would offer to stay, absolutely.

 

And if she insisted I leave, I would probably text all night and call to be sure she was OK.

 

Isn't this just basic relationship skills??

[anna121]

I wouldn't expect him to cancel plans over my food poisoning. I would appreciate a call later that evening to see how I was doing, and I'd definitely expect another call the next day.

 

Offering to see you in a week is just....no words.

[MidwestUSA]

OP hasn't been back. I wonder if she had the chicken, or the fish? I hope it wasn't one of those deadly candy apples that are making the news!

 

Or Bob Evan's meat loaf!

[spiderowl]

It seems a little insensitive of him not to ask you what you would like him to do. Would you prefer he stayed and looked after you or left you in peace? That would be the kind way to behave. He seems rather selfish and thoughtless.

[Noproblem]

Just curious, would you have the same expectations from a friend?

 

Actually a real friend would do more than this so called boyfriend!

[Noproblem]

I think this is what you are dating

 

a careless selfish person

 

You either deal with it now and accept him as who he is

 

or try to change him all your life and never succeed

 

Other options are to either take a stance and tell him what he did is unacceptable

or just leave him

Edited December 21, 2014 by Noproblem

[Quest]

For me, it depends on how he has handled things with the OP since going out. Did he text or call later to see how she was doing? Did he rethink the ridiculous idea of bringing meds a week later and either call to see if she needed anything that evening or come round the next day and see how she was? If he did those things I don't think it's so bad that he went out. If he didn't then my reading would be that he's a pretty selfish person and not got his priorities right as far as his relationship goes. OK it's only four months but a call - or two - and/or a visit sooner than a week surely isn't much.

[Els]

Hope you're feeling better, OP.

 

It really depends on what stage of the relationship you are in (or what stage he perceives you to be in) IMO. If you were just casually dating, even if you were exclusive and together for 4 months, I think what he did was fairly normal. It's also possible he's a selfish arse, but it's hard to say without knowing the dynamics of the relationship between the two of you. On the other hand if you were in a serious relationship, living together, engaged, or married, I'd agree that he should stay back to take care of you unless you explicitly told him to go.