tuxedo cat Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Not everyone is a natural nurturer. If they were, we wouldn't need doctors and nurses. Some people get massively queasy or anxious around sick people. Some people imstantly throw up if someone else throws up. For all we know, if he'd stuck around he'd start barfing his guts out too! Right, some people are uncaring, which is why they don't make the best relationship partners, at least for people who occasionally need extra support. The fact that uncaring people exist doesn't mean everybody should date them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 One of the purpose of being in a relationship is to have someone caring for us in those moments. I am not interested in a boyfriend that can't show compassion in my moments of needs. I have had fwb showing more concerns for my well being than OP's boyfriend. He could have asked OP if she wanted him to stay. If he could not stay at all he could have offered to call her mom or a friend to ask them to come and check up on her. He could have gone to the pharmacy to get her med BEFORE heading to his party!!! He could have called each hour to see how she's doing. He could have come back early from that party to check up on her. He could have shown compassion and care in many ways other than staying but he chose not to. He is certainly not nominated for boyfriend of the year. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 I don't know, I feel like this whole situation is being over-dramatized and being used as an obvious indicator to attempt to read into more. It depends on his overall demeanor and the relationship you have established with one another. He might have thought you were perfectly fine on your own and that since there was already plans made, that it wasn't like you were in critical condition for him to really be there to serve any other purpose other than hold a bucket or bag under your chin where you can throw-up and spit into...I mean while that might seem very loving and sweet to some, at 4 months I'm not sure if that's the level you want to take it just yet, I don't think your ready for seeing each others turds and other humanly bodily functions at the "fantasy" stage of the relationship...but it does depend on other factors and in this case I just think youth is a large influence rather than just douchebaggery. I think some people like to over-dramatize being "sick"...just to see if they can get the kind of attention and support they want, it's like this "be there for me card" where they expect to be pampered and smothered...I kind of being one of those people in the past, I do love the attention when I'm sick and being taken care...although when it comes to physical pain or headaches and such I'm relentless and won't even the slightest amount of medicine, but as soon as I catch the flu or something like that..I'll admit I can be a bit of baby. I think there's a contrast, if not a large one...between a guy who will leave you up and sick somewhere out in the city and about by yourself, or at a club or whatever...versus a guy that will just leave you home alone sick with a minor illness. If you were in the hospital or in really bad shape then I can understand him needing to be by your side. I can't say I've personally been in a situation like that, but I'm pretty close to the people that I am in a relationship with, so for myself it's pretty obvious that I would care...that doesn't mean I'd be the best caretaker in the world though, I don't give the same kind of treatment that I like in return when I'm sick to the other...that's just not one of my strengths, I'm not the good care-taking, pampering type in that way. I'll give you a massage, rub your feet, your neck, your shoulders and back and even pick something up from the store...but I won't be in there in the kitchen with an apron on, making fresh chicken soup with some brewery that grandma used to give me when I was a kid that I swear by always working. I think people are being a little bit harsh on this guy and not considering the attitude and motivation of this woman...and what kind of relationship do they have, and how exactly did this go down. Because I think the details can definitely sway perspectives in this situation. I don't think there are enough details for me to slam this guy, and to be truthful...not that it's of any excuse, guys tend to do a lot worse than this and woman stick around in the end anyway...complain a whole lot, but deal with it anyway in the end, so what's the point. Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 (edited) I cant help but feel this dude is being ripped apart over like a woman's test All he did was stick to the plans he committed to not spur of the moment plans, she must of felt she was well enough to be alone not to ask him to stay and he prob thought the same for the allowance to go. Then she comes on here and wishes different. she's been sick prior to this relationship many times before him im sure she lived throught the night. She didn't ask him to stay and most people dont wanna get sick as well hes not a mind reader I just cant consider the guy selfish when girls do that whole im pretending its okay to seem chill about things but inside I think different and will secretly hold it against you, bet you anything at some fighting point it will be like "yeah well you left me when I was sick!" and hell be totally confused why hes being bitched at for that when all he remembers is having her be okay with him leaving. Girls do that all the time. Men cant be perfect for us sometimes they drop the ball does it mean they dont care? No look for other ways he shows he cares instead of concentrating on the things he doesn't because if you're dating him surely there are other reasons. In relationships were always going to find moments we wish our partner did something differently Edited December 21, 2014 by Omei Link to post Share on other sites
Snowman219 Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Screw that. After 4 months dude should be with his sick girl. That's the time to make a great impression to show you care. I swear guys are idiots. This is coming from a guy. I think they are both idiots and perfect for each other. She didn't even notice how he said, "I'll bring you some heartburn meds NEXT WEEK." Yeah, you go guuuurrl. You got quite the catch. He's going to graduate from Med School real soon. And no he isn't going to catch the stomach flu by being near her unless she throws up in his mouth... Maybe you should pay him back when he has car trouble. Say you have to go and you'll call a tow truck next week. Remember kids: Stay in school. :thumbsup: Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Honestly, The fact that he didn't offer to stay with you is a huge red flag IMO. He was obviously being selfish in that he was afraid you'd say yes and/or he doesn't care enough to stay by your side. I know if it were me and my man offered, I would have urged him to go on - without a second thought. If he just up and left without an offer I would absolutely be wondering WTF just happened. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 She's not on her deathbed. She's puking and pooping most likely. By the logic in this thread we could call her selfish for expecting her bf to be around for that! Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Right, some people are uncaring, which is why they don't make the best relationship partners, at least for people who occasionally need extra support. The fact that uncaring people exist doesn't mean everybody should date them. Not being able to be around someone who's throwing up does not equate to uncaring. Now, whether OPs guy actually is or isn't uncaring, isn't really known right now. Link to post Share on other sites
starrynightz45 Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Just curious, would you have the same expectations from a friend? Why does this matter? They are not friends, they're in a relationship/dating. There is a difference. Link to post Share on other sites
starrynightz45 Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Hyperbole, it exists. And it's not just ONE lousy party. Let's get serious here. If he does it ONCE, he's expected to do it every time after as well. No matter what. It sets a precedent. And yes, the whole "I'll bring you some meds next week" is bizarre. But some of you are taking this situation specifically at face value when there is so much more implied. The OP is projecting expected behavior from him based on what SHE would do and not everyone is like that. Well we sure wouldn't want OP to set a precedent where she's fairly ill and the person she's romantically involved with actually makes a selfless move to skip a night out and instead take care of the person he's been involved with for 4 months now would we? *eyeroll* Yes. Of course he's expected to stay in and take care of her when she's sick. It's not like she had a minor headache or something. If a precedent is set, it's a totally justified precedent. Why the hell bother dating someone who doesn't even care enough to take care of you when you're sick? This is the type of thing you do when you're with someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
starrynightz45 Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Leave it to LS to say that anyone who has any sort of expectation of the person they're dating is unreasonable, selfish, and crazy. While it's not the end of the world, I do think he should have at least- at the very LEAST - OFFERED to stay in and take care of you. This is what people who care about one another do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Please drop that scumbag! Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 After four months, I don't care what personality you think your partner has.. If he met a girl he was really into he would: - know after 4 months - he would stay to take care of her after 4 months. You are just not a girl he feels compelled to look after when they are ill at this stage - but mark my words, there are other girls he WOULD have stayed to look after, after 4 months of dating them. Sounds like he likes you but yeah he just hasn't fallen very hard after 4 months to the point where he really cares for you a great deal. Then again - my recent ex was really in love with me and he fall pretty hard pretty fast for me - he didn't always offer to take care of me when I was sick as he figured I was a big girl and needed rest... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Then again - my recent ex was really in love with me and he fall pretty hard pretty fast for me - he didn't always offer to take care of me when I was sick as he figured I was a big girl and needed rest... "Love" means different things to different people. Some people profess to "love", but ask them to do something actually FOR that person. Something that involves them making any sort of a personal sacrifice, and they are suddenly unavailable... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sgbtra Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 Thank you so much for everyone's replies. I have read every one and I can see there are mixed thoughts. I guess everyone is different and the way we approach these situations is different as well. I just wanted to fill you all in on what transpired. Essentially, he came over last night because he could tell something was amiss. When he came over I basically said I felt unimportant when you left me alone the other night when I was quite ill. He said he was sorry and hugged me. He said that he didn't feel I was unwell enough to warrant him canceling plans with his friends, and also because he was the one who arranged the night out he felt obligated to attend. He said if I had wanted him to stay with me then that's what I should have asked him to do, and he would have. I guess I'm not used to asking for things like that. But I guess I'll have to! Does anyone have anything to add regarding the this? Is this pretty common? Like I said I've never been in a position to have to ask for these things before, they have seemed to have come pretty naturally in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 When he came over I basically said I felt unimportant when you left me alone the other night when I was quite ill. He said he was sorry and hugged me. He said that he didn't feel I was unwell enough to warrant him canceling plans with his friends, and also because he was the one who arranged the night out he felt obligated to attend. He said if I had wanted him to stay with me then that's what I should have asked him to do, and he would have. Like I said I've never been in a position to have to ask for these things before, they have seemed to have come pretty naturally in the past. He has managed to shift the responsibility for his actions on to you. "But...YOU didn't ask" so basically it is YOUR fault. Hmm! At least he said he was sorry, but had you not said anything I doubt he would have given it a second thought. Keep watching, you have had an insight into his way of thinking, and if he continues this selfishness, then you know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Quest Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Thank you so much for everyone's replies. I have read every one and I can see there are mixed thoughts. I guess everyone is different and the way we approach these situations is different as well. I just wanted to fill you all in on what transpired. Essentially, he came over last night because he could tell something was amiss. When he came over I basically said I felt unimportant when you left me alone the other night when I was quite ill. He said he was sorry and hugged me. He said that he didn't feel I was unwell enough to warrant him canceling plans with his friends, and also because he was the one who arranged the night out he felt obligated to attend. He said if I had wanted him to stay with me then that's what I should have asked him to do, and he would have. I guess I'm not used to asking for things like that. But I guess I'll have to! Does anyone have anything to add regarding the this? Is this pretty common? Like I said I've never been in a position to have to ask for these things before, they have seemed to have come pretty naturally in the past. It would have been nice if he'd just volunteered to stay with you or at least asked you how you felt about him going out before he did. However, relationships that work involve good communication and, hopefully, now you've told him how you felt and he's understood that, you can progress from there. We can't expect people to understand what's going on with us if we don't let them know. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 I do think you have to make your expectations clear especially early on. If you wanted him to stay but didn't say anything, you share some blame. If you asked him to stay & he left then that is a bigger problem. Me personally the last thing I would want was my new BF around while I was barfing. IMO nobody needs to see that so early. Then again I would rather be alone when sick. I got sick a few days into my honeymoon. My new husband resigned himself to staying with me. I was aghast. I actually shooed him out of our room. Told him to go downstairs to the bar in our hotel where there were other people on our tour & leave me to be miserable in peace. It was sweet that he offered to stay & watch me sleep but the idea made me uncomfortable. It really is a personal preference so you do have to communicate your expectations. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts