NC recommended whether you are the dumper or dumpee

[Darren2013]

It seems like when a breakup happens the standard advice is to leave your ex alone and go no contact. Whether I am the dumpee or dumper the advice seems to be the same. Leave the ex alone and go NC. It is the same advice but is it for a different reason depending on if I am dumper or dumpee?

[evanescentworld]

Kind of, but in reverse.

[Gloria25]

IMO, everyone dumper or dumpee sometimes keeps in some sort of contact after a break.

 

Sometimes the dumper feels bad for the dumpee and/or is ambivalent about their decision. They also may be using the dumpee as a crutch until they meet a permanent replacement.

 

And of course, the dumpee - who usually is taken by surprise (no matter how bad the RL may have been going) and didn't have the time to prepare to handle the break up - still clings and tries to "work things out". Why? Cuz, for one, they weren't the ones doing the dumping. For two, the dumper had time before making the actual dump to heal and perhaps start moving on. For three, ego. No one likes rejection. The dumpee may not even realize that they don't want the dumper back - but, the rejection makes them question "wasn't I good enough?, etc".

 

So, IMO, there is a time period after a break up that either or both dumper and/or dumpee still maintain some level of contact - but it eventually fades...

 

Now, if someone either dumper or dumpee is still maintaining contact with an ex waaaaay after a break-up. I believe either someone has not moved on and/or keeps on falling back to the ex as some sort of "safety net". Either way, not good.

 

 

I do believe NC is harder, but probably the best thing to do. Helps to stop checking the band-aid on a wound. Gotta let it heal.

[Dreamworld]

Or I do the dump him before he dumps me gig ( there are internet articles on this hehe)

It helps soften the blow to my pride cuz well rejection sucks.

And I find many guys are so assertive when they are pursuing you and wanting you, but when they want to dump you the whole passive aggressive stuff comes in. Less contact, or acting up, the fade away etc. And so the girl reads the signs and does the actual dumping.

So sometimes there is a blurred line between the dumper and dumpee, so I would say NC is the best way to go.

I have also experienced as the dumpee, the occasion that the sharper you cut off all forms of contact, that in itself makes the dumper wonder about you.

[Darren2013]

Or I do the dump him before he dumps me gig ( there are internet articles on this hehe)

It helps soften the blow to my pride cuz well rejection sucks.

And I find many guys are so assertive when they are pursuing you and wanting you, but when they want to dump you the whole passive aggressive stuff comes in. Less contact, or acting up, the fade away etc. And so the girl reads the signs and does the actual dumping.

So sometimes there is a blurred line between the dumper and dumpee, so I would say NC is the best way to go.

I have also experienced as the dumpee, the occasion that the sharper you cut off all forms of contact, that in itself makes the dumper wonder about you.

 

 

In situations where one is the dumper because the dumpee secretly wanted out anyway but was behaving in ways to set it up so that the dumper does the job for them like a suicide by cop deal then the dumper is not really the dumper.

 

70% of the time women do the dumping. Even among the 30% of the time guys do the dumping there's a certain percentage that think they dumped their girlfriend not realizing that she was sick of them a long time ago and was setting it up to make it look like his idea. So a certain percentage of guys who do the dumping don't realize they were taking part in suicide by cop the whole time. He was the cop and she provoked him to use deadly force. So only 15% of the time that guys dump are legitimately their idea.

[Darren2013]

If I was recently dumped most posters would say go NC immediately and don't let my ex string me along. If I recently did the dumping most posters would advise NC so that I'm not stringing my ex along. So it is the same advice but for a different reason.

[Dreamworld]

If I was recently dumped most posters would say go NC immediately and don't let my ex string me along. If I recently did the dumping most posters would advise NC so that I'm not stringing my ex along. So it is the same advice but for a different reason.

 

Right. And with the whole making it look like the dumper is the dumper when he/she actually is not, I agree with you too. So I think you have to really see the signs and act accordingly.

 

 

I take interest in your thread because I think I have experienced the "fade out" from a guy I have been dating for the past two months (and yes were intimate) He was initiating and calling and texting like his fingers were on fire in the beginning and by last week ( that was when I figured I was reading the signs correctly and decided to go NC on him. More so to protect my feelings and move on) he was texting me once a week. And short too.

And so I texted him ( I kinda knew what to expect though. Gut feelings are strong huh?) and he gave me one word answers, you know the kind, where you feel you are pulling teeth trying to continue the conversation?

 

 

So in my case, I think the guy was already on his way to dumping me, but was doing the fade off so I could get the idea and do the dirty work. So, with my ego and pride a bit bruised (oh well) I pulled the NC.

 

 

So as of this weekend, he is deleted and blocked from my Facebook and deleted from my phone contacts.

 

 

I have no idea if he'll appear out of nowhere and contact me again, but even if he doesn't at least it won't be so blatantly in my face anymore since I blocked any possible way of seeing him or contacting him. Self defense. Sigh.

 

 

Would you respond to your ex though? If they did contact you one day? I don't think I would. Out of pride. But everyone is different.

[Mangiafuoco]

It seems like when a breakup happens the standard advice is to leave your ex alone and go no contact. Whether I am the dumpee or dumper the advice seems to be the same. Leave the ex alone and go NC. It is the same advice but is it for a different reason depending on if I am dumper or dumpee?

 

That's not a standard but a debatable advice. In general the NC is for to heal at the greater velocity possibile and to forget as soon as possible the love for the ex, the side effect seems to be that also the ex will forget the love for you asap. Remember that the dumper have the advantage that they started to forget before the dumpee.

A bit of science: By staying out of contact you will give your brain the possibility to restructure the thousand of neural circuits devoted to the lost person. This is expecially true in the case of long relationships. This is a slowly process with a lot of pain in the middle.

Edited December 21, 2014 by Mangiafuoco