Why are dumpers always perceived as bad people?

[Jimmyjackson]

Just wanting peoples opinions on this.

 

I get that in some cases when cheating or abuse is involved then dumpers or exes in general will be seen as dishonest or bad people, which is fair.

 

However, whenever a dumper looses feelings for someone or just tells someone they don't want to be in the relationship anymore, they automatically become bad people. At the end of the day you can't control how you feel, it's not like a tap where you can turn it on and off. If someone doesn't want to be with you anymore then isn't it better they tell you and break it off rather than string you along?

 

I was dumped myself because of loss of feelings, I hated my ex for it at the time. But I think it is a lose-lose situation for dumpers sometimes, if they end it they're bad people, and if they keep it going when their hearts aren't in it they're also bad people.

 

Just some food for thought I guess.

 

Opinions?

[Halcyon]

I don't think dumpers are bad people (hell I've been the dumper a couple of times). I just got dumped a week ago and I don't think my ex is a bad person at all. It wasn't working out for whatever reason and that's fine it's part of life.

 

I've been in several relationships now and I've only hated one which was my ex that cheated on me other than that it's basically come down to indifference. I still think about them and the good times we had but I accept that is a past chapter of my life.

[carhill]

Kids don't like their parents much when mom or dad takes away their toys. It's an emotional thing. A perceived loss and the emotional fallout are focused outside of oneself. The id brooks no attacks on its sovereignty. Some people do the same thing when they are abandoned due to the death of a loved one. They get angry at the person who died. Human nature.

 

I had been through so many iterations by the time I got married later in life that such matters didn't phase me anymore. Relationships are transitory. People are a mixed bag. Life goes on.

[Itspointless]

It is our psychology. It makes it often easier to move on. If you can blame the other it often means that you can neglect your own part. If you see it more nuanced you also have to take a sincere look to yourself. This last stance is especially hard when you are insecure. It works also like this on society level and the way we make certain groups into enemies.

[STM206]

The thing is more often than not dumpers don't end things in a respectful manner. If there was respect shown for what you once had - I don't think we'd see very many people on this forum.

 

I've read a lot of posts & more often than not there is always a shady, blame the dumpee while I go pursue the romantic interest on the side and let you pick up the pieces aspect to these dumpers.

 

If my ex had ended things in a honest and decent way, I would've respected as well as accepted the situation a lot easier. However when you find out not even two months later he's moved in with someone else and blasting all over social media about his new relationship... Yeah, I kinda forgot about the 4 years we had and viewed him as a lying *******.

[Light Breeze]

Of course not all of them. Everyone has the right to be happy you don't give them grief for that.

 

Blindside breakups though, now that's a different thing. When they bail without giving you a chance or at the very least communicate what was wrong then they probably get the dumpee's anger. The same thing if you've been given the not in love with you anymore card, when the truth is you've been left for someone else. Anyway that's the most common things aside from cheating and abuse I could see giving bad reps to dumpers.

[elaine567]

There is never a good way to leave anyone who is deeply involved and "in love".

 

I think calm leaving conversations occur when both parties realise that it is not really working or the dumpee suspects that things are not going well and so it is no big shock.

When it is a big shock, then it hurts like hell and most in that situation take it very badly, whether they were sat down and told, or the dumper just left without a word.

The dumpee needs reasons, they are usually given reasons, but the reasons are never good enough, because they do not really want reasons, they just want it all to stop and the dumper to return and make things happy again.

So it doesn't matter if the reasons are good or bad, the dumpee cannot think straight, they grieve and go through the full range of bereavement emotions, till one day they accept and move on.

 

To accept, many need to think badly of the dumper in order to regain sanity and self respect. So they say - the dumper was mentally ill, abusive, weak, uncaring, cruel, ...etc.

The dumper must be incapable of love because.." I gave them everything and they dumped ME."

Of course it takes two to tango, and the dumpee may not actually be the "innocent" party, though they will tend to be the one to which most sympathy is handed out to.

[Itspointless]

Nice post Elaine. Sometimes a dumper doesn't think straight either. I was dumped in a fight-flight response due to her situation. She admitted that, the only thing I can do is accept it. It made me feel powerless.