Author OverIt75 Posted December 19, 2014 Author Posted December 19, 2014 I did the same thing - exactly. When I couldn't hold the anger in any longer I had to vent and all of the horrible sh*t I'd been imagining came out. And it was obsessive because I was obsessing - legitimately so - over the emotional bomb she released on me by cheating. My WW didn't understand what I was going through and she never will. Maybe if I go out and f'k some woman and then throw it in her face and then apologize and beg for forgiveness and she reluctantly takes me back - maybe then she'll understand. Ok - sorry for my rant. But my point is that every single word here is exactly how I felt sometimes and exactly how I reacted sometimes. This is much, much different then expressing misplaced anger at OM. This is him venting his rage at you. Look past the insults and realize that this is exactly what he imagines that you did with OM. And if he doesn't spew this poison out of his system it will kill your marriage. You have to deal with it because this is how he feels. I don't know how often he does this or how ferociously he delivers his rant. I also don't know how long you need to be understanding and accept his rage. At some point its abuse - especially if it is frequent - but right now its a safety valve to keep him from emotionally exploding even worse. One thing you can do to help him with this is to tell him whatever disgusting details he wants to know. If he hasn't asked you for such details then suggest that his rants show that he is imagining more horrible, disgusting details than actually happened so he might benefit from knowing the truth about the sex. No matter how debaucherous your sex with OM was, his imagination and the images he sees in his mind are much, much worse. I don't see it as abuse...it is much deserved, unfortunately. It has become less frequent over the weeks and had pretty much disappeared in the last week or two, only to come back with a vengeance last night. It just worried me. I promised him I would answer every question. He knows quite a bit of detail, sometimes too much I think. There are times he will ask me something and then immediately say, nevermind, I don't need to know that.
BetrayedH Posted December 20, 2014 Posted December 20, 2014 With all due respect, no he doesn't. He needs to grieve, then he needs to decide if he wants to remain in this marriage. If he does, then he's gonna have to accept it and all that comes with that. Alternatively, he may decide that it was a deal breaker and leave. I meant acceptance as in terms of it being the last stage of grief (as you aptly referenced), not in terms of reconciliation. Trying to forget it will keep him in the first stage of grief (denial). Truly accepting it (and moving on from it) takes a long time and may or may not include doing so with his wife. Right now he's trying to fix it, which isn't going to happen short of a time machine. And I'm not sure that forgetting it happens at all. My point is that there is no going around it, under it, or over it. He must go through it (including the anger stage - probably several times). Trying to fix it, forget it, or rugsweep it slows down the process. Everyone wants to speed up the process. I'm of the opinion that fast is slow and slow is fast. 3
drifter777 Posted December 20, 2014 Posted December 20, 2014 I don't see it as abuse...it is much deserved, unfortunately. It has become less frequent over the weeks and had pretty much disappeared in the last week or two, only to come back with a vengeance last night. It just worried me. I promised him I would answer every question. He knows quite a bit of detail, sometimes too much I think. There are times he will ask me something and then immediately say, nevermind, I don't need to know that. You might think that he knows " too much" but you need to tell him everything he wants to know. If you know the answer might be tough for him you can warn him that he can't un-hear these things but if he still wants to know then you tell him truthfully. Look - you are going to have to accept these outbursts for a while. I'm telling you that the actual facts about the sex will help him in the long run. Your openness about something so mortifying demonstrates that you are not hiding anything. It also helps to mitigate the horrible images of you having sex with OM. His imagination is boundless - seeing the two of you in the most vile acts imaginable. Help him know the reality. Please remember that with most men, its all about the sex.
BetrayedH Posted December 20, 2014 Posted December 20, 2014 I think its hard for us that strayed to really understand how this is with them 24/7, the thoughts that wake them, or dominate their minds and bodies. I remember him telling me its all he thought about, he would get distracted for a few minutes here or there then it would come flooding back. I have to say that this is a pretty apt description. "Distracted for a few minutes here or there" sounds about right. I wasn't remotely prepared for the overwhelming obsession with it all. It wasn't always painful, so to speak, but it just never stopped. I had some outbursts, one a good 6 months in where I smashed some dishes, and it wasn't remotely directed at her but just a release of frustration that I couldn't escape it. That's why I think being in it together is so important. On that particular occasion, we'd been to a holiday party and actually had a really good time but drove past some hotels on the way home. She made a completely inadvertent comment about one of them and I just broke down. When we got home, she tried to console me but eventually went to bed. I couldn't sleep (as usual) and just lost it in frustration. I wasn't even angry with her. I think sometimes it helps to keep in mind that no one wants the BS to be over it more than the BS does. 1
Author OverIt75 Posted December 20, 2014 Author Posted December 20, 2014 I have to say that this is a pretty apt description. "Distracted for a few minutes here or there" sounds about right. I wasn't remotely prepared for the overwhelming obsession with it all. It wasn't always painful, so to speak, but it just never stopped. I had some outbursts, one a good 6 months in where I smashed some dishes, and it wasn't remotely directed at her but just a release of frustration that I couldn't escape it. That's why I think being in it together is so important. On that particular occasion, we'd been to a holiday party and actually had a really good time but drove past some hotels on the way home. She made a completely inadvertent comment about one of them and I just broke down. When we got home, she tried to console me but eventually went to bed. I couldn't sleep (as usual) and just lost it in frustration. I wasn't even angry with her. I think sometimes it helps to keep in mind that no one wants the BS to be over it more than the BS does. Ahhh. I am just so sickened by what I've done! It just keeps getting clearer and clearer, the pain I've caused. I wish I could take it from him. We were sitting together in the living room and the TV was on in the background. I had no idea what was playing; I was looking at Facebook on my phone with H next to me. Suddenly he said, do you hear what they're saying? Don't you hear that? The TV was really low. I said, what is it? It happened to be a scene with a married couple where the guy had cheated. Trigger. Anything and everything can be a trigger. It sucks sucks sucks. And I feel the pain and I know his is even worse. Terrible. We were looking at old pictures tonight and it kills me. I'm sure it does him. I see innocent eyes and smiles - Pre A. Honestly, I wish I could just go back in time. I wish I could tell anyone considering this path to RUN, f'in RUN. 2
BetrayedH Posted December 20, 2014 Posted December 20, 2014 Ahhh. I am just so sickened by what I've done! It just keeps getting clearer and clearer, the pain I've caused. I wish I could take it from him. We were sitting together in the living room and the TV was on in the background. I had no idea what was playing; I was looking at Facebook on my phone with H next to me. Suddenly he said, do you hear what they're saying? Don't you hear that? The TV was really low. I said, what is it? It happened to be a scene with a married couple where the guy had cheated. Trigger. Anything and everything can be a trigger. It sucks sucks sucks. And I feel the pain and I know his is even worse. Terrible. We were looking at old pictures tonight and it kills me. I'm sure it does him. I see innocent eyes and smiles - Pre A. Honestly, I wish I could just go back in time. I wish I could tell anyone considering this path to RUN, f'in RUN. Sorry Overit. I don't mean to focus on the negative. The fact is that I would have killed to have a remorseful wife such as you. It will matter to your husband. The fact is that you don't have a time machine so there's really little choice but to look forward. Keep your chin up. You can do this. 2
Nawlins Posted December 20, 2014 Posted December 20, 2014 Ahhh. I am just so sickened by what I've done! It just keeps getting clearer and clearer, the pain I've caused. I wish I could take it from him. We were sitting together in the living room and the TV was on in the background. I had no idea what was playing; I was looking at Facebook on my phone with H next to me. Suddenly he said, do you hear what they're saying? Don't you hear that? The TV was really low. I said, what is it? It happened to be a scene with a married couple where the guy had cheated. Trigger. Anything and everything can be a trigger. It sucks sucks sucks. And I feel the pain and I know his is even worse. Terrible. We were looking at old pictures tonight and it kills me. I'm sure it does him. I see innocent eyes and smiles - Pre A. Honestly, I wish I could just go back in time. I wish I could tell anyone considering this path to RUN, f'in RUN. Overit75, have you thought about encouraging your husband to seek the counsel of others on a site like LS? There’s some good people here who’ve been there and could offer him some guidance. I realize you probably want to keep your threads private, and you he may need to keep some details out to protect your identities, but maybe steer your husband to the Coping section or another site? 1
Author OverIt75 Posted December 20, 2014 Author Posted December 20, 2014 Sorry Overit. I don't mean to focus on the negative. The fact is that I would have killed to have a remorseful wife such as you. It will matter to your husband. The fact is that you don't have a time machine so there's really little choice but to look forward. Keep your chin up. You can do this. Thank you... 1
autumnnight Posted December 20, 2014 Posted December 20, 2014 Overit75, have you thought about encouraging your husband to seek the counsel of others on a site like LS? There’s some good people here who’ve been there and could offer him some guidance. I realize you probably want to keep your threads private, and you he may need to keep some details out to protect your identities, but maybe steer your husband to the Coping section or another site? This could be a very good thing or, depending upon the level of projection, it could pretty much crush the marriage, sadly. I wish I hadn't made that observation, but that is pretty consistent across the board in my limited experience. Especially with men. Overit, this is a really long, hard, and not straight road. If you know you are doing everything you can to take care of YOUR husband, try to just stay the course and don't second guess based on what other people would have liked in their marriage or negative spinning of your actions and honesty no matter what you do, etc. Keep working hard.
aliveagain Posted December 20, 2014 Posted December 20, 2014 Overit75, my situation is different than yours , the infidelity is the same but the outcome isn't. We couldn't survive, it went too deep and there was too much deception. You two still have a chance so understanding just how dark a place your husband is in may help you on this journey. Just as you were the lead in the detour your marriage has taken you are also the lead in repairing the road it is now travelling on. Shortcuts don't work they are more of a temporary fix, you have to do the hard work required to fix it permanently. Just recently(last year or so) I realized that I hadn't thought about my ex in a while, it actually surprised me because for the 6 or so years before that she was constantly on my mind. The first couple of years I would have experiences like being in my car just listening to music as I drove the freeway to my office and suddenly, just like that, become so overwhelmed by grief that I would have to pull over because the tears were blocking my view of the road. This could happen at anytime and without warning. Triggers were everywhere, driving by the hospital my son was born in, a restaurant I know she went to with him, the places she went to on girls nights with her friends, even places that we went to before her affair were now triggers. My point is eventually he will find a way to live with what you did. Your goal is to have him with you when he does in a safe marriage. My ex on the other hand is just another face in the crowd, I only think about her when I write about her on this site. 1
Red123 Posted December 20, 2014 Posted December 20, 2014 Sorry Overit. I don't mean to focus on the negative. The fact is that I would have killed to have a remorseful wife such as you. It will matter to your husband. The fact is that you don't have a time machine so there's really little choice but to look forward. Keep your chin up. You can do this. I agree. Remorse does matter. I was devastated after finding out about my H Affair. He has shown IMO, true remorse and other than at the very beginning of our R, has been really patient. Your actions will make all the difference. I am now over a year out from when I believe I got the whole truth, so to me that's when our R began and I had many nights like your H had. My H told me that if I wasn't talking about his A then I was waiting to, it was so hard. I ruined date nights by drinking too much and asking questions that I knew would trigger me, and then would not let him come to bed with me. It was so hard, but it was in my mind constantly at that time and I didn't know how to deal with it. I truly believe that people can come back from this if they both want it. In my case we will never have our old relationship back but I don't want it. We were not communicating, took eachother for granted and I was brutal to live with. We are so much better now. Maybe because we almost lost each other and before that we never thought that was possible. Give him time, take care of yourself so you are strong, because he will need you. Keep your head up, things do get better. 2
BetrayedH Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 I agree. Remorse does matter. I was devastated after finding out about my H Affair. He has shown IMO, true remorse and other than at the very beginning of our R, has been really patient. Your actions will make all the difference. I am now over a year out from when I believe I got the whole truth, so to me that's when our R began and I had many nights like your H had. My H told me that if I wasn't talking about his A then I was waiting to, it was so hard. I ruined date nights by drinking too much and asking questions that I knew would trigger me, and then would not let him come to bed with me. It was so hard, but it was in my mind constantly at that time and I didn't know how to deal with it. I truly believe that people can come back from this if they both want it. In my case we will never have our old relationship back but I don't want it. We were not communicating, took eachother for granted and I was brutal to live with. We are so much better now. Maybe because we almost lost each other and before that we never thought that was possible. Give him time, take care of yourself so you are strong, because he will need you. Keep your head up, things do get better. Quoted because I wanted to like it twice. 1
Author OverIt75 Posted December 21, 2014 Author Posted December 21, 2014 Overit75, my situation is different than yours , the infidelity is the same but the outcome isn't. We couldn't survive, it went too deep and there was too much deception. You two still have a chance so understanding just how dark a place your husband is in may help you on this journey. Just as you were the lead in the detour your marriage has taken you are also the lead in repairing the road it is now travelling on. Shortcuts don't work they are more of a temporary fix, you have to do the hard work required to fix it permanently. Just recently(last year or so) I realized that I hadn't thought about my ex in a while, it actually surprised me because for the 6 or so years before that she was constantly on my mind. The first couple of years I would have experiences like being in my car just listening to music as I drove the freeway to my office and suddenly, just like that, become so overwhelmed by grief that I would have to pull over because the tears were blocking my view of the road. This could happen at anytime and without warning. Triggers were everywhere, driving by the hospital my son was born in, a restaurant I know she went to with him, the places she went to on girls nights with her friends, even places that we went to before her affair were now triggers. My point is eventually he will find a way to live with what you did. Your goal is to have him with you when he does in a safe marriage. My ex on the other hand is just another face in the crowd, I only think about her when I write about her on this site. I'm sorry for what you had to go through, Alive. I hope things are much better for you now...
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