5 Year Affair exposed and now a death in the family. What do I do?

[ramsker]

Has anyone had a death in the family the same week that a long term affair has been revealed? The reason I ask, is because after catching my husband in a 5 year very serious "affair of the heart" we have decided to try to make a go of it. We have 3 young children. The affair just came to light on Friday and now this morning my H's mother died very unexpectedly. He was the youngest child and very close to his mother. I want my marriage to work and I am trying to get over the betrayal that I feel over the affair, and I am not sure how to approach this. How will this affect him? I think he is very much in love with the OW and struggling to stay away from her. I know there has been NC since it was out in the open, but will he want to turn to her now? Should I let him? What do I do if she contacts him? She was close to his mother. Any advise would be appreciated. I just want to know what to expect. Do you turn to your W that is sticking by you or to the OW because she really has your heart? I want to do what is right.

[Mz. Pixie]

His mother was CLOSE with the OW???? What's up with that??? She knew about it this whole time and never told? I do not understand people.

 

He may want to turn to the OW at this time but if I were you I wouldn't tolerate it. If he wants to work on his marriage he will turn to you instead of her. NC is essential in making your marriage work.

[Mr Spock]

Making a "go" of it sounds about as appealing as a barium flush.

 

 

 

 

 

He should be going to YOU for solace. People dying is not a "hump whoever you want to" card. If he isn't going to leave you, and you aren't kicking him out then he doesn't get to continue the relationship he has with her. It's going to suck for both of him, but he needs to stick with the decision he's currently made. No falling back because of grief.

 

 

Listen to yourself

 

"My husband is in love with someone else, and has been for 5 years. I believe he is in love with her and not me. We have 3 children so I'm keeping him around. He's graciously decided to stay"

 

Your marriage NEVER worked apparently.

 

 

 

If you really want this to work you cannot let him continue to degrade you. His mother died, and that's awful. But he needs to turn to you now, especially that he has stated he wants to make a go of it. If he can't, then you may as well seperate now.

[ramsker]

The truth of the matter is that our marriage at one time was a very good one. We have been together for about 15 years (married for 12). I can honestly say that I have noticed in the past 3 years that things were not the same.

 

He never let on that he wanted the marriage to end until recently. I blamed his change in attitude on his job. He then left his job and started his own business. I then blamed it on that. He had to work around the clock to get his business off the ground. Then we built a new house and he did most of the work on the house, so he was always tired and I blamed that. I was always coming up with excuses for his behavior. I know that now.

 

We live in a very small community and everyone knows everyone. I know the OW very well. Although I now know that a lot of people suspected something was going on between them, no one knew for sure. They never told anyone else and managed to keep things pretty quiet.

 

He has now told me what he says is the truth. They saw each other almost everyday. He had a different cell phone that he used just for contact with her. She has her own business and so does he, so they could hook up at various times of day without drawing attention to each other. The fact that I am dealing with now is that it appears to me that he was in love with the OW, due to the fact that it has been 5 years and daily contact. He also says that he will have no contact with her and will do whatever I want to keep the marriage. He is very close to his kids and when he realized that he might have to give up daily contact with them it scared the bejeezes out of him. I can't imagine a life without him, so I gave him some ground rules of what I would need to let him stay and he says he will do whatever I need. I know he is trying and I am still in shock about all of the events leading up to this point.

 

I haven't dealt with the fall out yet. I don't know if I can truly forgive him and make this work. He is the only man I have ever loved and I don't want to lose him. I am a fighter.

 

When I started this, I was just curious what the natural reaction would be for a person in this situation. Who will he seek for comfort? How will I know for sure? Do I just let things lie for the next few days. He really is devastated over the loss of his mother. If I make a big deal about it at this time, I am sure it will come off as inconsiderate to the family.

 

I am not sure that we can even make this marriage work, but for the sake of the kids I feel like we need to try.

[Debster]

Wow, I doubt that I'd be reacting the same way.

 

If I found out my husband had an affair for five years I would be furious. No, he should not continue contact with the OW and if I knew my MIL knew about it and didn't tell me, I would be hard-pressed not to piss on her casket.

[ramsker]

Don't get me wrong. I am still in such shock that I am numb. I am furious. My MIL did not know. If she did she was just told in the past few days and never told me that she knew. This is all new to everyone. Just trying to find a way though it all.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by ramsker

The truth of the matter is that our marriage at one time was a very good one. We have been together for about 15 years (married for 12). I can honestly say that I have noticed in the past 3 years that things were not the same.

 

He never let on that he wanted the marriage to end until recently. I blamed his change in attitude on his job. He then left his job and started his own business. I then blamed it on that. He had to work around the clock to get his business off the ground. Then we built a new house and he did most of the work on the house, so he was always tired and I blamed that. I was always coming up with excuses for his behavior. I know that now.

 

We live in a very small community and everyone knows everyone. I know the OW very well. Although I now know that a lot of people suspected something was going on between them, no one knew for sure. They never told anyone else and managed to keep things pretty quiet.

 

He has now told me what he says is the truth. They saw each other almost everyday. He had a different cell phone that he used just for contact with her. She has her own business and so does he, so they could hook up at various times of day without drawing attention to each other. The fact that I am dealing with now is that it appears to me that he was in love with the OW, due to the fact that it has been 5 years and daily contact. He also says that he will have no contact with her and will do whatever I want to keep the marriage. He is very close to his kids and when he realized that he might have to give up daily contact with them it scared the bejeezes out of him. I can't imagine a life without him, so I gave him some ground rules of what I would need to let him stay and he says he will do whatever I need. I know he is trying and I am still in shock about all of the events leading up to this point.

 

I haven't dealt with the fall out yet. I don't know if I can truly forgive him and make this work. He is the only man I have ever loved and I don't want to lose him. I am a fighter.

 

When I started this, I was just curious what the natural reaction would be for a person in this situation. Who will he seek for comfort? How will I know for sure? Do I just let things lie for the next few days. He really is devastated over the loss of his mother. If I make a big deal about it at this time, I am sure it will come off as inconsiderate to the family.

 

I am not sure that we can even make this marriage work, but for the sake of the kids I feel like we need to try.

 

 

Wow.........

 

 

Who gives a rat f*ck about other people's feelings right now. You are ENTITLED TO BE PISSED ABOUT THIS EVEN IF A METEOR FALLS ON HIS REMAINING FAMILY.

 

 

I don't envy the tough time you have ahead, at ALL.

 

 

By not throwing his person out of the house for the massive betrayal he perpetuated on you and your family I'd say that's enough to shut your inlaws up. Remember that.

 

 

Of course he's going to seek her for comfort. He's been seeking her for comfort for the past 5 years hasn't he? The point is if he wants to stay he SHOULDN'T. It's a concious choice.

 

His life is going to suck for a while. But any stress regarding the relationship is his doing.

 

 

Don't do anything drastic for a month. Then re-evaluate. I think that many people hang on to something that isn't good enough for them simply due to competitive nature.

 

Have you talked to a doctor about this?

[ramsker]

I don't think I am explaining things very well. I have not had time to deal with all the facts of the affair. It has only been a few days of soul searching and getting answers. I am so hurt that I can't function. Now the unexpected death of my kids grandma and my MIL has heaped even more on me than I can deal with. I have to hold it together for them, and yet I am hurting on so many levels. I don't know how many people in the immediate family even know the story. I don't feel like this is the time to bash my H to them. As freaked out as I am, I can't see that making him love me more.

 

I am not a wuss, and will not put up with this. I don't plan on being a doormat, I just don't know what to expect in the coming days. As time goes on and I get a better handle on what has actually just happened to me and my family, I will probably react differently.

 

My kids haven't even been told yet as they are still in school. I just want to keep things on an even keel for a few days for them.

 

I didn't know if my fears of him contacting OW were justified. I don't think he will go back on his word to me, but wondered what other people did in this situation in the past.

[Mr Spock]

Aw, I didn't mean to imply that you're a wuss. You're not, it's a lot to deal with.

 

 

 

What I'm getting is you're not quite sure when it will be acceptable for you to express your extreme anger and sadness and rage to everyone in your universe, since you're dealing with the recent and unexpected death of your mother in law.

 

 

After the funeral, at least.

 

 

Your fears ARE justified. Many times it's hard to make a clean break from these types of long going affairs.

 

 

That's why I asked if you talked to a doctor. It's hard to maintain an "even keel" when you've just been keelhauled, and sometimes emotion just explodes out inappropriately when we've reached the point of no return. Or even worse, you could go into denial.

[moon]

My only advice is the old cliche:

 

If you love somebody, set them free. If they don't come back to you, they were never yours to begin with.

 

Sorry but I think your marriage is over. Even if your marriage did continue (and I have some personal knowledge of this from relatives) I think there will come a day when you will regret you ever took him back.

 

I'd cut the line on this guy and see what he does. Don't worry about him talking to this OW. That thing is going to play out with or with our you (it always has right?). You can't control it. Just as she might not be able to control it if he decides he just wants you and in that case get marriage counseling and lots of it. Good luck.

 

What a f*cken lame man for doing that to you and three kids. Sorry, but it does sound like his days are numbered with you. I bet you can do a lot better. It will hurt, it will be painful......but you'll need to get through it like everybody else. One baby step at a time. Stay strong and put you and your kids FIRST---NOT your cheating husband. Think of how your kids view this whole situation. You have to stand on your own two feet. You must. You must. You have no choice.

[ramsker]

I have always been a firm believer in "you can't help who you love". I have used that countless times when helping friends deal with bad relationships. In my past experiences, you just can't change your feelings with the flip of a switch. So in saying that......

 

a little backgound info....

 

I caught my H in more lies than he could get out of. He kept denying everything. He always had some excuse for everything. Then last Friday morning, I hit him with some proof (hotel receipt for 2, in a place I didn't know he had been) and a friend had seen OW in his car. He tried denying for a while, then he just spilled his guts. I found out that it had been going on for 5 years. He tried to protect the OW by not giving me her name, but finally he told me that too. I feel like he is being honest with me, because he is telling me things that I would never have found out. He seems to be baring his soul. We spent the weekend together without the kids and talked for hours.

 

He told me that although he loved OW, he wasn't "in love" with her. He even gave me their phone that they had together. I called OW from it and told her that he "picked me", didn't love her, and it was over. There has been no contact from OW since. She had the phone shut off. The phone was in her name. I have a friend who works for the phone company, and she got a copy of last months bill for me. She could lose her job if anyone found out, so I am not sure what I can do with this information. I haven't approached him about it yet. I just got it yesterday and with his mom's death, there has been no time or place to confront him.

 

The phone bill revealed the following: 451 calls from him to OW, and 274 calls from OW to him. 725 calls in the period from Feb 4 - Mar 5. Hell, I don't even think we said 725 words in that time that wasn't about the kids.

 

The one thing that this shows me, is that after 5 years of being together, they still talked all the time. 725 phone calls? Could this really just be about sex? Or are his feelings more involved than he is telling me? How can you go from that close personal relationship back to a marriage that you have ignored for so long?

 

So I think he probably still loves her, but is trying to do the right thing. He got scared and saw he was about to lose his family, so he came clean and cut off all ties. I just want to know if this is possible? Can you really stop caring about someone, even though you are trying to do the best thing for your family?

 

Do I stand a chance here or am I wasting my time? When do I start believing him?

 

With all that going on, I am still so numb. I know he is truly hurting right now over the death of his mom. I will have to somehow, wait for a few days before I confront him. This has been the hardest thing I have ever lived through. I want to rant and scream at him, and I just can't right now. I really do love him.

 

If there is never contact with OW, is that enough? Can I believe him then?

[Ladyjane14]

Marriages can recover after infidelity, and be even better than they were before in some respects.

 

But.....whatever cause the infidelity has to be fixed. There are lots of reasons, I think, why cheaters cheat. Sometimes the cheater himself can't identify the real reason.

 

For example, people with narcissistic tendancies feel entitled to cheat. People who are suffering from depression, might cheat because it makes them feel better and they feel like nothing matters anyway. These type of conditions can be diagnosed and treated. But often as not, these people don't know that they need help.

 

And not every case of infidelity is brought on by a mental health issue. Some people just don't agree with the social norm of monogamy. Which wouldn't be an issue if those people didn't sometimes commit to marriage in an effort to have it all.

 

The two of you are going to need professional advice. If he won't commit to healing whatever defect within himself that made it possible for him to treat you this way, then in the long run....he's not going to be able to commit to the marriage either.

 

For right now, while he's grieving, I would give him some latitude and not ask for much in regards to marriage-building. I would allow him time to grieve for his mother.

 

But Spock is right....he needs to turn to YOU for support, not the OW. She's also right in the fact that you, yourself, need some time to think about all this before you commit yourself to reconciling the marriage. And you need some care for yourself too.

 

After a five year relationship, he's going to backslide from time to time. That needs to be COSTLY from the very beginning. Serial cheaters are born from tolerance. It's okay to be loving and supportive as long as he's compliant in NO CONTACT, but when he backslides, and he most likely will....show him the door.

 

It's fear that your husband will seek out the OW that will make you want to be tolerant. But it's that self-same tolerance that will keep him cheating on you. If he's going to contact her, there's nothing you can do about it anyway. He has to make a CHOICE, a real one....not the one that he feels forced into in order to keep his home deal going.

 

Afterall, do you really want a man who chose you under those circumstances? Or do you want one who chose you freely? You can't lose something that's already gone, and if he's gone in his heart, what good is having his empty shell rattling around the house? Why fear losing something you don't have?

 

This is probably going to get really ugly. It'll be an up-hill battle for a long while. And while it's completely do-able, sometimes it's just not worth the aggravation.

[Mr Spock]

Good advice. The need to keep him makes you tolerant of his behaviour but it also ENABLES him to cheat......when the dust settles later can you keep your head held high?

[Velveteel]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how shocked and betrayed you must feel, although I see from your initial response that you are a thoughtful woman and don't react impulsively. This is probably how you maintained a happy marriage for so long.

 

The hundreds of phone calls between them show that even if your husband is no longer in love with the OW, he is closely connected to her emotionally. She's become a kind of subsidiary wife, but one who gets to remain a little more mysterious and glamorous because he doesn't live with her and have to wash her dishes after dinner or clean the leaves from her gutter or holding her children while they're puking. She's a dream woman. This doesn't mean that he ever loved her as much or as deeply as he loves you, but it does mean that he has grown accustomed to that sparkly romantic attention and yearning that an affair provides.

 

And of course you are especially thrown by the death of your mother-in-law. You don't need to make any big decisions for a while, and you certainly don't need to tell anyone in your family that your husband had a long affair. It's no one else's business.

 

I wish you good luck in overcoming this. Has anyone steered you toward http://www.marriagebuilders.com? A therapist might be a very good idea, as well.

[ramsker]

Rough day! I haven't dealt personally with H about the A, but have spent hours with his family, planning the funeral, ordering flowers and just comforting each other. Sadness. Makes me realize what is truly important. My H is devastated and is barely making it though. I think part of it is the strain between us. His family has been hugely supportive towards me. They have been told about the affair in the days before his mom's death. I always felt that I was not quite part of the family, but not today. They are rallying the troops around me. I think he sees that and know that he has been a real jerk. He seems to be reeling from everything right now. He made a big mistake and I think he knows it.

 

Is it possible to "think" you love someone for 5 years, only to realize that your wife and kids are more important? The majority of his life the past few years has been devoted to OW, but I think he has realized his mistake. I really get the impression he is scared to death to lose his family. Is this enough to make the marriage work?

 

Would a tragedy like a death at this time make things clearer to a person, or would it just muddle everything up more for a while?

 

I know, I know, I am grasping at straws right now. No one can possibly know. I just would love to know what to expect. I don't want to get my hopes up that we will be able to work things out, just because he seems so sincerely sorry.

 

BTW, got an email from his OW, and she just wanted to "explain" her side. She did say she was extremely regretful, and that she knew she was wrong and that her only excuse was "she was in love" She really felt that he loved her too. She said she will move away and leave us alone and that she will never contact him again, now that he made his choice. It apparantly wasn't the choice that she thought he was going to make. I don't know how she can even have the balls to apologize to me. Does she think "sorry" makes up for anything?

 

Sorry, I am just sounding things out as I go. I truly don't know what I am going to do. Funeral is Saturday, so everything is still on hold between H & me right now.

 

Wish me luck, I don't want to wig out now. Have to get through the funeral.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by ramsker

Is it possible to "think" you love someone for 5 years, only to realize that your wife and kids are more important? The majority of his life the past few years has been devoted to OW, but I think he has realized his mistake. I really get the impression he is scared to death to lose his family. Is this enough to make the marriage work?

 

Would a tragedy like a death at this time make things clearer to a person, or would it just muddle everything up more for a while?

 

Five years is a pretty long time. This wasn't a "fling" that went on for a few months. Five years is enough time to get to know one another pretty well, and to even see some of the real-life inadaquacies in one another.

 

There's a rose-colored glasses aspect to how affair partners can view each other. They tend to see each other through an idealized view, because they're not really dealing with one another on a day-to-day basis. They don't get to the monotonous, routine and boring, aspects of the relationship.

 

Having said that, while it's true that they've uncovered SOME of each other's inadaquacies, they haven't uncovered them all. Extramarital affairs can keep the physiological chemical rush of "falling in love" alive far longer than relationships between single people. The affair partners aren't at liberty to take the relationship on to the next step, which would in time, remove the "rose-colored glasses".

 

So, being in love with OW, or not being in love with OW, isn't really the important question. Their relationship, albeit a long one, has never been forced to stand the test of time the way your relationship with him has.

 

Do they think they're in love? You betcha.

 

Is it real? Who knows. It never stood the test. This is the part that will make them crazy. This is the part that will make him backslide on his promises to you. They will feel compelled to explore this no matter what they told you.

 

The ONLY way to stop that is by finding out what made it okay in his mind to treat YOU this way. The why is so much more important than getting the details of who, what, and where.

 

Whatever is in his head that made it okay for him to cheat, is the source of the problem. And he's going to need professional counseling to change that. INSIST on it, or don't take him back. Because unless he fixes this, and proves to you that it is indeed fixed...he's going to hurt you again.

 

I really don't think that the death of his mother is going to make him see the light. For a long time now, you have been meeting some of his EN's (emotional needs), OW has been meeting some of them, and even his mom has been meeting some. Now, he's in a position in which two of his resources have been eliminated.

 

So, to be frankly honest with you, I do think that he will backslide, although I hope I'm wrong about that. I think you should be prepared for your reaction when that time comes, just in case.

[Velveteel]

Right now, when your husband is feeling shocked and remorse-stricken, is the time to get a commitment from him never to contact the OW again. Tell him that you know he will be tempted to backslide, you know he will mourn giving her up, and you know he'll have trouble dealing with your anger, but that he needs to bring those feelings to YOU. He must completely cut off contact and endure the pain of this until he's broken his addiction to the OW and re-bonded emotionally with you. Tell him you will ask for the help of his family and all his friends in helping to keep this family together. No one will cover for him. You will be watching constantly. And at the slightest suspicion, you will hire a detective. Only under these circumstances can you rebuild trust in him and begin to forgive the affair. I'm sure there will be ups and downs, which is one reason I suggested a therapist, and maybe a support group for betrayed spouses--to give some perspective when things seem hopeless.

 

I hope the OW follows through and leaves town. She knows she did something stupid and hurtful to everyone involved, and she can make amends in part by going the f*** away.

 

How great that his family has rallied around you. I do believe marriages can recover from infidelity, and even get better. Good luck.