Will we EVER get engaged?

[katiegrl]

Oh no he needs way longer than 6 months. I'm guessing years. until he feels like what the hell i might as well. he doesn't care when I want to get engaged, he said it's his decision alone since he's purchasing the ring.

 

***But you do see that if he wanted to break up with me he would have DONE SO right? not just give me the cold shoulder***

 

It does not matter what WE think. If *you* are okay with all this, that is ALL that matters...

 

You are the one dating him, not any of us. Plus, we have already told you how we feel about it...

 

Just stop complaining about him, cause that is definitely NOT cool!

[rams10]

I just live life centered around 1 fear, that he's not just ignoring me like he has done so many days before and he actually means that he's going ot leave me forever. bUt in more severe fights in the past, he will actually state he's done with me and delete all our fb pics and look for other apartments and sign off our lease with our current landlord. so he's not done any of those things today and did say he understands i'll still be here in our home waiting for him when he lands from business trip. SO i guess he's not leaving me?

[Gaeta]

SO i guess he's not leaving me?

 

You're the one who should leave him !!! He is dragging you along, disrespecting you, calling you names, belittling you, threatening you. Wake up !! Of course he's not leaving you because you accept his mistreatment !!

[d0nnivain]

I didn't realize how dysfunctional your relationship was. With prior fights & break up / make up merry go round BS, you can't marry this guy. You two are stable enough to sustain a marriage.

[rams10]

from every fight even our first (when he lied to me about hanging out with a girl friend when he and i had made plans first)... his response has always been to ignore me stone cold for at least 1 day. So i shouldn't freak out that he isn't responsing to my calls or texts now. Because other times he's actually yelled we are done, and looked for another apt, stormed out. He hasn't deleted our photos off FB at all this time. So WHY would I assume he is goign to leave me for good? I said we aren't breaking up and I'll still be right here when he gets home from his trip... He responded "I know."

[d0nnivain]

I didn't realize how dysfunctional your relationship was. With prior fights & break up / make up merry go round BS, you can't marry this guy. You two are stable enough to sustain a marriage.

 

That should have read are NOT stable enough

 

Anyway, I don't think he is breaking up with you. But I also don't think he will ever marry you.

 

If you want to get married & he doesn't why are you sticking around?

[rams10]

I am very desperate and wouold rather compromise anything about myself and be treated like **** than have him leave me. the trick Is, i need to figure out how to HIDe this from him so he starts thinking I'm a strong, respectable woman even though i know I'm not. I will literally do whatever will keep him from leaving me. Yes even give up marriage and kids.

[rams10]

is he more likely to love me and marry me if i take the 1 year travel position bc it shows respect for myself and my career... or if i stay here because it shows i believe in him /us and put him firsst above all else?

[rams10]

family is super important to me and he actually did say the other day that i need to stop "needing" to see my stupid American family every month. Do you think he'll respect me more if I stop talking about them and just become more hard ass and tell my boyfriend I gave up on my stupid rosy fantasy world (what he calls it)

[Gaeta]

family is super important to me and he actually did say the other day that i need to stop "needing" to see my stupid American family every month. Do you think he'll respect me more if I stop talking about them and just become more hard ass and tell my boyfriend I gave up on my stupid rosy fantasy world (what he calls it)

 

This cannot be serious.

[serial muse]

family is super important to me and he actually did say the other day that i need to stop "needing" to see my stupid American family every month. Do you think he'll respect me more if I stop talking about them and just become more hard ass and tell my boyfriend I gave up on my stupid rosy fantasy world (what he calls it)

 

rams, I very much suspect that at this point he'll only respect you when you leave him and don't look back.

[rams10]

No don't say that. He is still with me! He must still have a way to love and respect me! Why didn't he respect me like eveyrone else respects the people they love

[serial muse]

No don't say that. He is still with me! He must still have a way to love and respect me! Why didn't he respect me like eveyrone else respects the people they love

 

The more you reveal about him and your relationship, the more it is clear that you aren't compatible and that this is more about fearing being alone for you than it is about loving this man. As for him, I couldn't possibly say why he hasn't left yet. But it sure doesn't sound like anything resembling love. Most likely it's a kind of security for him - some part of him likes knowing that you "don't have the backbone to leave".

 

That is nothing like love, rams. You should leave this toxic situation ASAP.

[Tayla]

When grocery shopping stay away from cocoa puffs and fruitloops, you seem to have over indulged on them.

 

When was the last time you can recall having one shred of self respect? I mean that sincerely, for what I read here is a person mired in desparation to the point that you no longer have a self to love or even try to improve upon. Get therapy.

[rams10]

you are right. it is toxic. so the best thing i can do is figure out how to make him RESPECT me. I can make up a lie about how I chose not to take travel position because it's not the best one for my career. then tell him he's right that it's pathetic for me to want to see my family each month, and stop seeing them. start refusing to hang out with my bf at times becaue work comes before him or anything else. (Which is what he tells me about his own work routinely)

[d0nnivain]

He won't respect you until you respect yourself.

 

Take the job.

[rams10]

I dont have to take the job I can pretend that the better one is in this area. So I get him to respect me how? Why didn't he just respect me enough in first place??? Will it help to be more hard a$$ and tell him he's not the priority work is, and start refusing to see him sometimes? what if i move out?

[d0nnivain]

When you stop pretending, things will get better.

[CarrieT]

He *might* respect you if you start living for YOU and your future instead of pinning hopes and desperation on him....

[rams10]

yet his close friends say he would be really sad if I left, and it'd be a sign that i didn't believe in or prioritize our relationship or starting a life together. But my boyfriend alternates between "you forcced yourself to move in my apt, I didn't even want to live with you" and "Want to go look at new apartments? I was thinking we could cosign a lease at a new fancy place and get a dog" literally within the same week??

[CarrieT]

But my boyfriend alternates between "you forcced yourself to move in my apt, I didn't even want to live with you" and "Want to go look at new apartments? I was thinking we could cosign a lease at a new fancy place and get a dog" literally within the same week??

Not sure why you are trying to rationalize his obvious bi-polar behavior. Or why you really want to try and live - and marry? - someone who is this dysfunctional.

[rams10]

I don't know is he dysfunctional? Another time he refused to have sex w/me for months because he wanted to build the right religious foundation for marriage... Then just started effing me hardcore otu of the blue and has been fine with it ever since. and he once said he won't get married for another 5 years, now changes the story to "no i'll do it sooner... You forget I only said that to you as a threat because you were annoyign me at the time, asking too much about it."

[beach]

is he more likely to love me and marry me if i take the 1 year travel position bc it shows respect for myself and my career... or if i stay here because it shows i believe in him /us and put him firsst above all else?

 

Take the travel position. Do whatever is best for your future and to become independent of what he does or doesn't do!

[rams10]

BUT my chance to meet new guys is probably easier in my current city. BUT I could see my family a lot more with that travel position. My main conccern is what will make this guy love me. So if I have to make up a story about how the one position is better for my career & also near him, so be it.

 

he told me "u should choose what's best for your career because God knows if I were in your situation, I'd certainly choose that over just being around you"

[serial muse]

BUT my chance to meet new guys is probably easier in my current city. BUT I could see my family a lot more with that travel position. My main conccern is what will make this guy love me. So if I have to make up a story about how the one position is better for my career & also near him, so be it.

 

he told me "u should choose what's best for your career because God knows if I were in your situation, I'd certainly choose that over just being around you"

 

It sounds like if you stay in your current city you will not be meeting new guys because you can't let this relationship go. So that's kind of a moot point.

 

You can't "make" someone respect you. You also can't "make" him love you.

 

He is even telling you that you should take the job. Take the job. Ignore what his close friends say; they don't have the data that you do, which includes insulting remarks he's made to you, push-pull behavior about whether or not he wants to be with you, frequent breakups and fights, and on and on.

 

OP, you can't force someone to change what they think or feel about you. You can only work toward being a person you yourself would respect. What would you advise a friend in your position to do?

 

I think you need to face why you're so afraid to end this.