Opening our marriage – Can I do it?

[SolG]

Just to take a different tack OP... Have you discussed why he has sex with men? Of course the surface answer is because he is attracted to them and he wants to... but what is the actual currency? What did he get from the experience?

 

This is relevant because in answering this you will find out more about his sexual desires. Is it submission? Is it mind blowing oral sex? Is it anal play? Is it role play? Does he have a sissy side? Once you have the answers, and share your desires, you might be able to accommodate each other and have your sex life grow.

 

I remember watching an episode of an Aus show called Insight that dealt with infidelity (you can probably find it via the Googles). There was one couple there not disimilar to you. The wife found out her husband was having sex with other men. They are still together many years later because they took the step of understanding each other. She bought the right equipment and satisifies his needs herself. And they had that very still in love look as they shared their story.

 

Maybe an open marriage is not the only answer. Maybe there are other options to explore if you are willing to go there.

 

Good luck!

[kamani]

Maybe an open marriage is not the only answer. Maybe there are other options to explore if you are willing to go there.

 

What are these other options? I'm totally ignorant. Do you mean threesome? Can you be more specific? At the moment I find threesome hard to imagine.

 

Now, we are 100% open to each other. Gay, bi or whatever it is, I cannot dispute his point that he never loved anybody other than me. I was in total disbelief after he confessed but finally had no clue to believe otherwise. I have digged deep into his history, isolated every man involved, and discussed everything. It has been pure sex and he says he can separate love from sex. And I know many men can.

 

I'm not defending him, but trying to figure out.

[BetrayedH]

Does he prefer top or bottom in his sex with men? Is he submissive or dominant?

 

I think she's suggesting that you could cater to his desires even though you are female. If he gets comfortable with the idea, he might reciprocate.

Edited December 28, 2014 by BetrayedH

[Mal78]

What are these other options? I'm totally ignorant. Do you mean threesome? Can you be more specific? At the moment I find threesome hard to imagine.

 

Now, we are 100% open to each other. Gay, bi or whatever it is, I cannot dispute his point that he never loved anybody other than me. I was in total disbelief after he confessed but finally had no clue to believe otherwise. I have digged deep into his history, isolated every man involved, and discussed everything. It has been pure sex and he says he can separate love from sex. And I know many men can.

 

I'm not defending him, but trying to figure out.

 

Yes, I think she is saying that perhaps you can explore options such as toys that stimulates him in such a way a man can. Some men are very sexually aroused by anal play for example sample so perhaps a toy that would access his prostate or go spot. Perhaps, if he likes to be dominated in bed you can wear a strap on penis. Of course ONLY do any of those things if you are comfortable.

 

The fact that he has been so brutally honest in his preferred affairs and that it has only been with men and it's only been sex might mean there is a loophole. If you are willing to find that loophole perhaps it might work.

 

Unless he is telling you (perhaps he did and I missed that and/or you never mentioned it) that having sex with you repulses him and he finds it near impossible to do or you find for the most part he enjoys sex you both might just have to explore options outside the box.

 

I don't nessisary believe he lied to you. He might have been confused and his love for you prevailed. This would have to count for something. Although, I don't believe being unfaithful is the solution unless you BOTH are privy to the idea that he fulfills those wants/needs/desires outside of the marriage.

[SolG]

What did he get from the experience?

 

This is relevant because in answering this you will find out more about his sexual desires. Is it submission? Is it mind blowing oral sex? Is it anal play? Is it role play? Does he have a sissy side? Once you have the answers, and share your desires, you might be able to accommodate each other and have your sex life grow.

 

My apologies Kamini for not being clear enough. Thanks to the last two posters for clarifying my point for you. They are indeed correct in that I was suggesting that you find out what rocks his socks about sex with men and look to exploit that. Have you really had a true conversation about exactly what turns you both on? Have you asked the kind of questions above?

 

There is very little a man can do that you can't replicate with the help of sex toys. And don't underestimate the power of just really openly and honestly sharing your fantasies with each other; it can be incredibly liberating, emotionally intimate and hot! Especially for a man who may have felt a sense of shame his whole life about his sexuality and/or kinks. This type of acceptance can be life changing.

 

However, there's a couple of gotchas in this path. One is that you would of course have to be comfortable with it. And two, it won't work if he really is gay and just not attracted to you at all. If he's bi or a just a straight guy who likes to play wth men every now and again (which is actually more common than people think Why do straight guys have sex with men? Here's two reasons why.), it has a chance.

 

Hope that's clearer this time :-/

[sandylee1]

It's all been said, but honestly you need to get real about this. You don't have what a man has and you won't ever be able to satisfy him. Maybe I'm living in the dark ages, but no matter how great a person my husband is, if he told me he had sex with a man I'd be gone yesterday.

 

No offence intended here, but can I ask if you/he are from culture where homosexuality is scorned upon?

I sense he married you as a cover up. What better way to keep your cover. Plus the sex on your honeymoon may have hurt because he wasn't used to sleeping with a woman and getting her aroused.

 

This whole thing could damage your son further if you don't get out of it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just wish my wife would agree but when I suggested it she turned me down flat even though we haven't had sex for many years thus dooming us both to a long term sexless marriage.

 

I hope you know this isn't true, no one is "doomed" to future years of sexless marriage. From repair to divorce, there's an awful lot of alternatives...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kamani]

Some men are very sexually aroused by anal play for example sample so perhaps a toy that would access his prostate or go spot. Perhaps, if he likes to be dominated in bed you can wear a strap on penis. Of course ONLY do any of those things if you are comfortable.

¬

I’m ok with these things, but he said that he didn’t like me wearing such a thing and that he didn’t want a man in me.

 

Have you really had a true conversation about exactly what turns you both on? Have you asked the kind of questions above?

 

We had a true conversation about it only few weeks ago. Till then it was traditional sex. These are the answers I got, some other points for you people suggesting divorce!

 

1) He’s turned on by a threesome with me (MMF), and claims he wants nothing else if I agree it once in a month - I can’t imagine this and I asked whether he’d like another female there, instead of me, he says ‘no’.

2) He’s turned on by myself talking about having sex with another man

3) He’s turned on by seeing myself having sex with another man

4) He’s turned on by myself seeing him having sex with another man and me talking about it with him

5) He’s turned on by two of us having sex, while someone else is watching us online

6) He’s turned on by anal sex and dogie type sex with me

7) He likes a couple massage with me

 

He claims these are his fantacies and doesn’t want to act on them without my consent. He told me he really found it hard to discuss these things face to face and we had this chat online. We are in two countries for few months , I’m alone here attending my sick mother temporarily. We chat for long hours, discussing all these, he claims he is missing me. I can see that he is aroused by these sort of talks and he says that he could do it twice a day, if I was there. He reads this thread, but when I request only.

 

I’m not trying to turn a gay man straight, I know it’s not possible. I’m trying to work out any possible way to save this marriage, I love him very much.

[Spectre]

He cheated on you, so he doesn't love you. You don't love him either because you developed feelings for some co worker despite the fact you are married. So what is the point of staying?

 

I’m trying to work out any possible way to save this marriage, I love him very much.

 

People who love their spouses very much do not develop feelings for married co workers. Look, don't get me wrong your H is a cheater and by far the worse out of the two of you, but people in love tend to not develop things for married men they work with.

Edited January 7, 2015 by Spectre

[jackslife]

^^^^

 

I think you are being hard on the OP. She's clearly married to a gay man, but for some reason best known to herself is kidding herself that he can make her happy sexually.

 

Let him go off and have sex with men, let her have her affair if she's not satisfied sexually. Her homosexual husband has clearly given her permission to do so.

[jackslife]

¬

 

1) He’s turned on by a threesome with me (MMF), and claims he wants nothing else if I agree it once in a month - I can’t imagine this and I asked whether he’d like another female there, instead of me, he says ‘no’.

 

Really!? A gay man not wanting sex with two women, there's a surprise.

[SolG]

Really!? A gay man not wanting sex with two women, there's a surprise.

 

Did you read his list of fantasies? He's obviously not gay; the man is bi. That's pretty obvious. And there appears to be a strong cuckold and submission bent in there too.

 

Kamani, It's a good sign that he's sharing his fantasies with you, that they include you and that he desires you, and that he's turned on by talking to you about them. Is he absolutely hell bent on acting them out? A lot of couples get enough mileage in the bedroom out of purely talking about, and/or roleplaying fantasies together that they don't actually need to include other parties at all.

 

Also, don't listen to people who tell you that bisexuals can't be monogamous. That's a heap of baloney, many of them are. (No sexuality has the monopoly on monogamy or cheating!) However, it doesn't necessarily follow that your man is one of them; particularly if his attraction levels are slightly higher for men than women.

 

It might be benficial to go get some good quality sexual therapy together to work through this. A lot of the better sex therapists are also qualified relationship counsellors so you could work on the entire thing wholistically.

[spanz1]

 

1) He’s turned on by a threesome with me (MMF), and claims he wants nothing else if I agree it once in a month - I can’t imagine this and I asked whether he’d like another female there, instead of me, he says ‘no’.

2) He’s turned on by myself talking about having sex with another man

3) He’s turned on by seeing myself having sex with another man

4) He’s turned on by myself seeing him having sex with another man and me talking about it with him

5) He’s turned on by two of us having sex, while someone else is watching us online

6) He’s turned on by anal sex and dogie type sex with me

7) He likes a couple massage with me

I’m trying to work out any possible way to save this marriage, I love him very much.

 

these fantasies are not all that out of the ordinary for a guy. He probably got them, and they were strengthened, by him watching online porn. I do not necessarily see any of that as indicating he is gay....he sounds bisexual to me. that is good, because it means he is still turned on by heterosex with you.

 

So, what is the problem? If you want to keep on this relationship, you have to open up your sexuality. If you can not do that, it will probably mean the end.

 

Try the MMF, try pegging (anal) sex with him, try watching some of his porn as a couple...see if any of it turns you on too. Chat on some sexually oriented sites to talk with other women in a bisexual relationship with a man, and see what they say.

 

IF you can find a way to open up your mind to it, you can have some really mind blowing sex from this guy. If not, it sounds like you need to find a vanilla guy for your next lover.

[kamani]

Spanz 1, I tried to reply your message, but you have barred receiving PM. I'll be glad to get those links.

[Spectre]

^^^^

 

I think you are being hard on the OP. She's clearly married to a gay man, but for some reason best known to herself is kidding herself that he can make her happy sexually.

 

I'm being hard on her by pointing out neither of these people love each other so there is no point in staying? The H is cheating and she wants to get with a co-worker(meaning, the person she wants to get with is someone she see's on a regular basis, which dramatically increases the chances of her potentially acting on those feelings).

 

Though I want to say: being gay would not necessarily always mean you would be terrible at sex with a female. Especially since a decent number of the gay guys I know..at points in the past had girlfriends before they truly figured out their sexuality.

 

Let him go off and have sex with men, let her have her affair if she's not satisfied sexually. Her homosexual husband has clearly given her permission to do so.

 

If he's banging other dudes and she is banging other dudes then what possible reason is there for this marriage to continue? Also frankly, this is a bit silly as well. The OP claims having an open marriage "hurts her like hell" but if that were true she wouldn't of decided to have an open marriage in the first place. She acts like she has been put in a no win situation where the only option is an open marriage, but yet pretends like the idea of an open marriage kills her. Then she admits that like a lot of women she has a lot of trouble separating love and sex,but THEN she asks us if she should pursue casual sex, despite what she just said. If you can't separate love and sex, and you know for a fact your H does not want you falling in love with some other dude..then it's pointless to ask us if she should engage in casual sex with creeps she meets online. The answer is a big no.

 

But to the OP: if you want to sleep around don't go the route of finding a creep online. You also say you can't divorce because your son would be severely affected. Problem is, the kids mommy and daddy deciding to play with fire by engaging in an open marriage and casual sex with strangers mommy meets on the internet..well, that is no better then divorce to me, because you'd be surprised what kids can pick up on. Especially since, again, you said you can't separate love and sex, which means you doing this is guaranteed to cause problems. It's also utterly false to say you can't start over because you are 40. It is likewise equally false to even imply that getting divorced means one has to start their life over.

 

Also wait, you joined a casual sex dating site and didn't tell your H about it? How is that any better then his cheating on you? You realize the problem with saying the casual sex website you joined just intensifies your love for your H? If that were true, wouldn't you..well, not even be considering doing this? The act of you getting ready to cheat makes you love him more? It's difficult to feel sympathy for your situation when you are talking about signing up for creepy websites meant for casual sex. You really think all that is better then just divorcing? You realize sometimes divorce can hurt a child, but other times NOT getting divorced can have an even worse effect, since as I said..kids can pick up on things, even if they SEEM oblivious. People always assume that no matter what the worst possible thing for the child would be divorce, which just isn't true at all.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Spectre

[kamani]

Let him go off and have sex with men, let her have her affair if she's not satisfied sexually. Her homosexual husband has clearly given her permission to do so.

 

I was given permission only to have sex outside marriage and not to carry on a love affair. I never had an affair nor am I interested in starting one, I know how painful the end would be.

 

For those telling that I'm cheating on my husband by signing up in the dating website, I'd like to say I've already told my husband about it. Now it's him who is doing the writing and mailing for me. He seems turned on and enjoying this sort of activities and I'm passive for the thought.

 

It's completely understandable from the straight spouse point of view, to suggest divorce. It seems now I'm a bit got used to his way of thinking and fantasies. He claims he shouldn't die as a criminal and I shouldn't die as a dissatisfied woman.

[darkmoon]

open marriages only work when the sex between you is so good that anybody else is there just for a silly bit of variety

 

was in an open relationship, as long as you know that he likes you the best it is ok, and that you can just ask for sex and get it because he knows you will be great, i was lucky he liked me so much

 

i get the impression that your confidence is at stake and that you need to talk about your sexy ways likes and dislikes a bit more

 

and i can hardly believe what a tearaway i was

Edited January 12, 2015 by darkmoon

[jackslife]

Kamani, well if he likes the thought of it and you are happy with it to then good luck to you. It's not everyones cup of tea, but there are plenty of couples who enjoy alternative life styles.

 

You may get a few people on here give you stick for it, but I say enjoy yourself. Hope all goes well.

[spanz1]

Spanz 1, I tried to reply your message, but you have barred receiving PM. I'll be glad to get those links.

 

yeah i dont know what happened there. it is working now. PM sent

[spanz1]

I was given permission only to have sex outside marriage and not to carry on a love affair. I never had an affair nor am I interested in starting one, I know how painful the end would be.

 

For those telling that I'm cheating on my husband by signing up in the dating website, I'd like to say I've already told my husband about it. Now it's him who is doing the writing and mailing for me. He seems turned on and enjoying this sort of activities and I'm passive for the thought.

.

 

 

you are describing the sexual fantasies of a cuckolded husband. They get extreme sexual gratification about fantasizing you with another man, maybe even you physically having sex with another man and telling him every detail when you get back home.

 

Let him scan the emails from those dating websites, let him pick out a man, and you set up the meeting. But keep some control over the whole thing. Do not agree to only date who he says is ok to date...tell him you get to choose, he only suggests. A cuckold gets a lot of pleasure by being humiliated too, so do not let him have all the power in the relationship...make him wait up for you while you are out on a date, start controling HIS sex life...telling him what he can and can not do. He will actually enjoy it.

[kamani]

I don't think you're the type to do the open marriage thing. You want love and sex combined with/from the same person.

 

Yes. You guessed it correct.

 

We tried it. Myself and the guy liked each other in the first meeting and he was impatient only till the 1st encounter. Then he became sick of condoms and dams and was requesting unprotected sex. I had bad experience and was feeling being used.

 

Anyway no worries, now I know that it won't work for me. Now I know how I feel if I do sex without love.

 

My husband still believes I'll enjoy it with someone else.

 

Already deleted my profile on the dating site and discussing other options with my husband.

[road]

You got me wrong. Many of you. I love him very much, I'm not going to cheat on him. If I try anything I'd give him the same opportunity. I'll discuss everything with him before actually doing anything.

 

What I'm wondering is whether this would work for me. I'm desperately struggling with the idea while my gut tells the opposite!

 

 

 

What equal opportunity?

 

 

A woman can get a FB way easier then a man.