Looking for my Knight in shining armor

[amkxoxo]

So as I have been dating a lot more in my adult years I have been learning a lot about what I want and what I like. I am now 21 and have been actively dating. I went all in with a guy last year and had my heart immensely crushed by his back and forth nature of not wanting to be in a relationship but not being able to let me go, which led to an endless cycle of us dating for what seemed like forever. Anyways, recently I have been noticing how I act around men I like or perceive to be great. I immedialy take the pasisve role and become this helpless little girl. Its like I am looking for them to save me or something.

 

Like a month ago I was hanging out in a group of people and i was talking to this guy that I met through a friend. We werent flirting, just hitting it off and talking. At one point the bar that we were at was so crowded, you had to push your way through people to get anywhere. We were headed in a busy direction and suddenly this big guy just practically backs up into me almost crushing me and pinning me where I was. For whatever reason, I didnt do anything. I froze. Normally I think I would had just shoved the guy off or something, but I didnt. The guy I was with came to my rescue, and since he was bigger than me, saved me from my squashed situation. I then looked at him like some kind of hero. Its like in the back of my mind I didnt react, because I wanted to be saved. I wanted to be worthy enough to be looked after. To try and cope with me being passive, I then revert into a over confident girl who doesnt care. Thats not me either. I have such a hard time finding a balance. I am either too passive, and to try and cover that up, I am too self absorbed. I have such a hard time being me, because I feel like people wont understand the real me. I am so in my head about things and when I express them sometimes people dont understand and it gets twisted. I am also afraid that if I share my real self with someone that they will hurt me in the end.

 

I have been realizing more and more that I do this often with men I like. I look to them to be my knight in shining armor. But in reality I am an independent, stable women, and I hate asking other people to help me. I like to do everything myself because I trust myself to do it the right way, or the way that is acceptable to me. For whatever reason, when I get a guy in my head, I want him to be my protector, my voice of reason, sweeping me off my feet. I have strong morals and values, so I dont give those up when I date someone, but rather put myself in the role of frail, cute girl who needs a strong man in her life.

 

I dont know why I do this and now that I am thinking of it I feel like maybe its hurting my chances with some men. Sometimes I end up attracting super clingy guys who are ready to take a bullet for me and I hate that. I like the guys who are cool, down to earth, personable, and strong. I like the guys who have friends, and ideas, hobbies, and passions in life.

 

I feel like I am so afraid to let anyone near me that I hide away deep inside of me. I put on this perfect persona and try to be what I think they want and like, because I am terrified that if they see or know the real me they will leave me at the drop of a hat and I will be so broken. I think I try to do things that I think are impressive to them so that if they do see parts of me that arent so great, I feel like I have made up for myself in other ways.

 

I have certain friends who I am totally cool with and myself with and I have a good personality, but I feel like I have a hard time showing this to men. I lose myself, while trying to hide myself. Recently, a guy I had a crush on did something I didnt like. Normally I would make excuses for him, and not be mad. But not this time. I was mad, and I wasnt going to take it. And I didnt. I was so proud of myself for doing this because that is me, not the fake me who would act like nothing bothers me. I'm actually sensitive and I think I am afraid guys wont be able to handle it.

Edited December 17, 2014 by amkxoxo

[venusishername]

I had (and still have) this issue.

I don't think wanting a knight in shining armor is a bad thing. Deep down all women want to be protected. It's our nature. And it's a man's nature to protect, so that's why since the beginning of time it has worked out

 

 

I went through a very traumatic and trying experience where all I wanted was someone to rescue me and protect me. No one could really do it. My own dad wouldn't even do it. I was forced to take care of the situation myself. It was actually the best lesson I've learned... although still, deep down of course I want a knight in shining armor... but I know now that I can take care of myself. You can still be a 'damsel in distress' and not be helpless. I learned although it's certainly nice to have someone swoop in and rescue you, you really don't need it. It's more of a desire than an actual need.

 

 

You sound like you struggle with perfectionism and feeling of low self-worth. ( I totally understand).

Pick up the book: "Daring Greatly". It really helped me.

[evanescentworld]

So as I have been dating a lot more in my adult years I have been learning a lot about what I want and what I like. I am now 21 and have been actively dating....

 

Oh honey! You're barely out of your teens... You haven't been dating for any time at all! Really...?!

 

Wait until you're in your 30's, before being hyper-analytical and so down on yourself! For now, just notice what you're doing "wrong" and what signals you're giving off, and apply remedy - but don't beat yourself up over anything!

 

If you still get these results when you're our age, then yes, by all means take a good, long, hard look at what issues you have - but now? You've barely scratched the surface of dating!

 

Be well, be confident, and for goodness' sake, relax and enjoy yourself!

[deathandtaxes]

Letting someone in doesn't mean giving up being a strong and independent woman. Don't confuse the two. It just means....letting someone in. There are a LOT of guys looking for women that can hold their own and don't need or want that figurative knight.

[mysteryscape]

There are some women who can take care of themselves plenty well but then "allow" a man to be their knight in shining armor.

[Michelle ma Belle]

There are some women who can take care of themselves plenty well but then "allow" a man to be their knight in shining armor.

 

Amen.

 

I think I am the embodiment of this. I'm nothing if not completely self sufficient, independent and can take care of myself just fine.

 

Having said that, when it comes to relationships, I tend to embrace more traditional roles as well as traditional family values. I actually enjoy having a man to count on, who will take care of things, who will take charge when needed, make decisions and yes...even save me from time to time. Why the hell not? It doesn't diminish my own value or my ability to take care of myself or him for that matter.

 

Technically speaking, I don't need a man...I want a man...and THAT makes all the difference in the world.

[mysteryscape]

I don't need a man...I want a man...and THAT makes all the difference in the world.

 

Exactly! With someone who doesn't "need" the knight, it has much more the feeling of a romantic or erotic fantasy -- much more satisfying than trying to actually live up to a role that can only be lived up to in fantasy, not reality.

 

Of course, when an intruder comes to door at night, somebody has to be they guy!

[Thegreatestthing]

Knight in shining armour is such a nice image.

I am too fierce to be ruled by a boy,but I noticed I really do love boys who are chilvarous who treat women with a holy dignity.

[Hopes]

LOLs at this. I think it is normal to want a guy to protect you. It's all instincts. Why do you think women find men with a six pack and money attractive? Protection. Why do you think guys like women with large ehm. Offspring nurturing. Instincts. On that note. I think the feminists would be proud. I had a girl get mad at me for holding the door once. I do that for guys, but she freaked! I CAN OPEN MY OWN DOOR! So be careful, many guys want to be chivalrous, but fear coming off as not respecting a woman's independence.

[Variations56]

You have a lot of self awareness for your age and I'm confident that you will be able to merge your strong real self with your desire to feel protected and safe with a man into a healthy combination. You're on the right track!

[amkxoxo]

Thank you all. I only became this self aware through a bad experience with a guy. I started thinking about how I come across and what I have been doing wrong and now my self awareness is huge. Sometimes I also think its a weight holding me down. I think too much about my perception to others. And when I realize this I try to stop it but that has me coming across and I don't care what anyone thinks. I can't win. With some men I feel like I need to impress them so I go over and above, but then I can't be too eager so I tty and reverse it and I end up lost. They don't see the real me. My ex and I had our fair share of problems but I truly think he saw the real me. When I would have a certain look on my face he would know what it was. That to me meant more than anything. He could see through the protected barrier I had up when others couldn't or wouldn't even try. I have noticed that I have a passive personality. I am this easy because if I am all out with what I want people can sometimes perceive me as bossy or a bitch so I like to make others happy. What is great to off set my passive shy nature. Someone who is more aggressive. I seem to be attracted to someone who pulls me out of my comfort zone. Who isn't afraid to lead me. My ex did this and I don't even think he realized it. He opened me up when to new things that I ended up loving. I got more physical with him than any other guy. I learned and now I am more comfortable in my sexuality. Though I am still scared like a little kid a majority of the time. I have dated super nice guys who are so patient and almost too patient. They want to make me happy so they let me call the shots, the timing, and they are super patient with me. That's all nice and great but we don't get anywhere that way because I am locked away in my brain so I get frustrated and dump them. I am more confident than I used to be but at the same time I daydream about reaching over and kissing the guy I like. That idea stays in my head sadly. But if the guy does something about it I get even more attracted to them. I don't like extremely forward or clingy guys either. I like someone who plays it cool and has a great personality. Looks help too. But someone who just gives off the vibe that they know what they are doing instantly hooks me.

 

Even though I am award that I lock my real self away. I can't seem to show people it. I've tried. It just can't be forced. When I try hard to be cooler and more me I end up even more fake than I really am. In not some stuck up bitchh. I'm super nice and caring and family oriented and boy am I loyal. I'm innocent and sometimes ditzy and clumsy but I have passion for things in life and I'm smart about planning my life. I have dreams and ambitions. I don't know how to come across to people especially people I am crushing on.

[SmartDude]

Even though I am award that I lock my real self away. I can't seem to show people it. I've tried. It just can't be forced. When I try hard to be cooler and more me I end up even more fake than I really am.

 

An archer aims at the target but when that arrow is released, there is nothing that can change the course of that arrow.

 

In a similar way it is impossible to "force the real you to come out" when you are with other people. It starts by being yourself, when you are by yourself! You need to watch for moments when you are mean to yourself within your own head and cut that out..

 

Its cliche' and corny as hell but true: Accept yourself, know your flaws and you will find that people respect you more.

[amkxoxo]

I have been trying this. I seem to know my flaws now. One big one is my bitterness of things that happened in the past. I express some of my flaws openly, but then I feel like people think I am a mess, or have issues, or they think I'm dramatic. I feel like they won't like me. I'm afraid as soon as a guy sees one flaw in me he will just leave. I used to be severely awkward with phsyical contact. I love kissing. But I was always so bad at initiating anything. I havent had sexx. I got close many times with an ex but I couldnt do it because he would not commit to be in a steady relationship even thoughn we dated for a long time. I miss the phsyical and emotional connection of having someone. Like I never want to make a stupid mistake or seem inexperienced and I'm terrified of being turned down physically so I wait until the guy initiates. Sweet nice guys, wait around for me to be comfortable and then I get annoyed with waiting for them and I want them to just grab me and kiss me, so I usually lose interest. My ex used to just grab me and kiss me. I loved this. Like I would say something he found cute or if we were just hanging with my friends and I was having fun, he just loved to grab me and kiss me. It was great. I miss that. I have dated other men but none of them had the guts to do that. Some of the other guys I dated were great and I liked them, so its not all about the spontaneous phsyical contact.

 

I am not one of those blame it on my parents people at all. I love my parents and all they do, but I feel like these issues specifically is their fault. I have made some judgement calls in the past, and like every other human I make mistakes. Some times I will be tlaking to my mom, who is my best friend, and I tell her what I did in a certain situation, and she will immediately be all "Why did you say that?" With this judgy tone. Then she claims she isnt judging me but is just curious and asking me. But I can see the disgust of my decision on her face. Then when I go to make another decision again, I second guess myself. Now I second guess myself contantly. I am so attached to my family and I feel like I almost strive to rebel in a way. I am not rebelling in the generalized drinking and drugs type of way. That isnt my style, but I almost like to drink a little more, have fun with my friends, flirt with boys, and do things on my own. Like rebelling to me is going to the mall by myself and driving a little fast. Both of which my parents are super paranoid about. I understand they are worried, I am a single woman. Even recently, my work is sending me on a business trip to another part of the country in 6 months. My mother immediately insists that she willl buy her own ticket and come with me. As much as I would love that, I almost want to go on my own just because I know I can do it and rebel. They get so worried that it isnt safe. But I make safe decisions they raised me that way. I understand parents are alwsys going to worry though. I cant change that. I think I almost constantly seek acceptance from them. Like a pat on the back, that its almost become my go to for everyone. My parents do love me and accept me, but I constantly want their reassurance.

 

I want my own life, my own man, my own friends, my own place. I have some of that, and I will always need my parents, but they insist its all or nothing. I complain about them being too involved and they get mad. I call them when I need them desperately and they complain that I didnt need them prior. I have tried to explain to my mother that I need her, when I ask.

 

I get nervous around people who I perceive as better than me, or cooler than me. I think this is the case with my family. When I am with my parents and siblings I am totally content. I am myself and I dont care what I say. They make fun of me for stupid stuff I say or do. We laugh. I love them. I have had friends come up from school to stay at my house with my family and I. I am super awkard and quiet and shy. I dont know how to act with my friend. Then when I am with my friend back at school, I am content and chill again. Its like when I am with my parents around other people I immediately fall into this passive submissive role. I have no idea why. This is what happens when i really like someone or I feel overwhelmed with someone. I dont know what to say. My brain is going crazy, but it seems empty for words. I get shy and quiet and I resort to small talk and boring chatter. I look to these people who I perceive as better than me to make better decision and i feel the need to comply with what they want as long as its in the realm of my moral values.

 

Like last year I went out to dinner with this guy. Now I have plenty of girl friends that have done these things and they have serious long term boyfriends. The guy suggested we go to this Mexican restaurant. I hate mexican food. I complied totally to try and seem easy going and passive. I found something I could eat and it wasnt horrible. But why the heck would I agree to this. I liked him and I didnt want to seem picky. I felt like he would immediately not like me. He dragged me yet again to another ethnic restaurant on our second date. I would always tell him to pick. And he would. I was too afraid to pick something maybe he wouldnt like or what if we had a bad experience at a place I go to all the time.

 

I feel like I am mumbling and I seem like a mess, but now when I read everything back I think I am generally a normal 22 year old.