Toodaloo Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 The best thing you can do is to broaden your social circle. I have a cousin who is gorgeous to look at, fabulous body, fun, happy, gentlemanly etc... Is he perfect no. But he is near as damn it. At 50 yrs old he is single and struggling hard to find someone to be with... You know he kinda looks a cross between George Clooney and Daniel Craig... He really is stunning, has manners to die for, his ex wives both said he was amazing in bed and to be recommended... and he is having exactly the same problems as you. So after finding out that he really does want someone in his life I am forcing him out and about. I have told him he is going to be my wingman... This should be interesting! I am going to get him out and about. At the very least I have found someone else I can call to con into doing weird and wonderful stuff with me! I have already fixed him up with a blonde but he is too wimpy to go on his own so its going to be a relaxed meal with me as gooseberry... Increase your social circle. Do more. Tell your family and friends that you want to get out and meet people and do things. OLD is ****e. The men on the site I am on would have been eating out of my hand within minutes if they met me in real life, for crying out loud I am the older woman who has 20 yr olds falling over themselves to chat me up. I have dated bankers, lawyers etc and they have all adored me. But do they do more than just look at my profile? No. The only one who did - got to give him credit - was a lovely guy but really really not a match for me, at all in anyway shape or form. He would have ended up being patio foundation material within a month. Don't do OLD. Go out and get a life. Drag your friends and family with you kicking and screaming if you have to! I do - one of my bosses is going to do a run with me next year - I have told him so!
Imported Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 Have you really actually tried? Other than just with women you want? I mean, I understand and am all for only being with people you're actually physcially attracted to, but if that doesn't work for you than maybe you need to think over what women you should be going for. Yes, I understand it's the whole "leagues" thing yet again and lots of people want to pretend you can ignore it, but ignoring it leads to dudes trying for women that will always reject them and then feeling horrible about themselves and thinking there is something wrong with them. I see many ugly people out there, some with deformities or disabilities and they are happily dating and in relationships with ...usually other ugly people. Nothing wrong with that. And I doubt you're so ugly you can't do the same.
FitChick Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I'd tell him to maximize his looks. If he doesn't know how, go to a high end hair salon to start. Hairdressers can usually refer you to good dermatologists and plastic surgeons and clothing shops. Large department stores like Nordstrom usually have personal shoppers who don't charge a fee (not entirely sure so if that's incorrect) because you will be buying clothes. If you need to lose weight, have a consultation with a certified trainer who knows nutrition. Your personality is up to you. Most important is my signature line below.
Diezel Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 First, he needs to get over the fact that he is over 40 and single. Then the rest will follow. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I agree with the advice to just try to mingle with more people and make new social connections. There are so many places where primarily women gather, and men are welcome to go. The best one I can think of is any type of volunteering. I've volunteered at a lot of different places, and it's almost always at least 80% women. And these are usually kind-hearted people who are probably more open to dating average-looking but good-hearted guys. I also agree with the advice to make friends first and see where it goes. Maybe you'll like someone you meet through volunteering, she won't be available, but she'll invite you to something where her single friends are. 2
Danda Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I'd be hunting for him, if he were my obviously lonely male friend or relative. Women often know and frequently come across other women who are also lonely and looking. That's why some of us play match maker, not just because it can be fun but because it's so obvious in front of us that it would be like not putting the dirty dish in the dishwater and just leaving it on the counter, if we didn't introduce these men and women to each other. But other than trying to help him out in the manner, I wouldn't have any advice. Just sympathy. It's definitely harder for some people than others and there's no sugar-coating it. Even as a very average-looking woman I know when other women in an environment have me pretty far outmatched. But still I have it easier than others. Attraction is subjective but there are strong trends, so naturally there is a spectrum of sorts in the difficulty of attracting mates. 1
todreaminblue Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I have a five foot male friend like a brother to me....first off...i don't consider five foot to be a deformity he is 48 next year and single....has nothing to do with his height....or his age...has to do with his personality.....and the fact he has fallen for unavailable women......personally after knowing him for two decades.....of which three at the beginning were with him as a partner....he has major issues from lack of parenting....his height is attributable to malnutrition as a child....probably while in utero severe alcoholism while in utero......so he had a struggle from before he was born...and has struggled ever since...... he does volunteer work now and has been told he is irreplaceable...which is good for him to feel......appreciated and worthwhile.....he may never have a relationship with a woman...but my daughters and myself......will always be his friend...he would put his life on the line for anyone.....and has...faced a mob by himself...he has qualities that i can see....and i tell him often or show him that is what makes him a special person......the best thing fro my friend is to have a fulfilling life......and if he quits some of the things he does that influence his spirit in a maudlin way.....he will...he has a rather large chip on his shoulder...... as far as height, physicality and age go.......they are not deformities or turn people into lepers in the dating arena.....what does turn a person away from success...is inside them....my five foot friend brother....almost son who is older than me....has a large six foot plus very sad spirit.........deb
BluEyeL Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I would tell him to live his life and not give up any avenue for meeting people and that includes online dating. But go at all tbis relaxed, without clenched fists andet go of a goal happening overnight. 1
shet Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 I'd say he never knows, and my old man didn't meet my mum and have me until he was 40. But I'd also say frankly their relationship sucked and he'd have been better off alone anyway, and we his children had to take off and leave him in his 60's as we must do so he didn't even have us around, and basically that the whole construct of "single" and "couple" and "family" is a big millennia long propaganda effort that has little to do with the reality of what fulfils the individual.
Danda Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 I'd say he never knows, and my old man didn't meet my mum and have me until he was 40. But I'd also say frankly their relationship sucked and he'd have been better off alone anyway, and we his children had to take off and leave him in his 60's as we must do so he didn't even have us around, and basically that the whole construct of "single" and "couple" and "family" is a big millennia long propaganda effort that has little to do with the reality of what fulfils the individual. What fulfills the individual then? Idunno the vast majority of human civilizations have had couples. Even deep down in South America where there are still tribal societies, they have couples. I think the nuclear family is stressful, though. Very isolated and lots of pressure, compared to ancient clan/tribe systems in which everyone took care of everyone. Like in an ancient tribe nobody worried they wouldn't be able to get food for their kids while all the other kids ate. Everyone ate together.
LookAtThisPOst Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 What fulfills the individual then? Idunno the vast majority of human civilizations have had couples. Even deep down in South America where there are still tribal societies, they have couples. I think the nuclear family is stressful, though. Very isolated and lots of pressure, compared to ancient clan/tribe systems in which everyone took care of everyone. Like in an ancient tribe nobody worried they wouldn't be able to get food for their kids while all the other kids ate. Everyone ate together. Most families...in America...even large ones, tend to split up when the elders die off. Or when off spring start having their own offsprings, they rarely stay in touch as they are busy with their...offpsrings. Perhaps once a year they at least see each other during the holidays.
Purepony Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 Does he have money? Yes her a bad car no he's f*cked CHANGE HIS PERSONA AND GET NEW HOBBIES
Weezy1973 Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 I agree with the advice to just try to mingle with more people and make new social connections. There are so many places where primarily women gather, and men are welcome to go. The best one I can think of is any type of volunteering. I've volunteered at a lot of different places, and it's almost always at least 80% women. And these are usually kind-hearted people who are probably more open to dating average-looking but good-hearted guys. I also agree with the advice to make friends first and see where it goes. Maybe you'll like someone you meet through volunteering, she won't be available, but she'll invite you to something where her single friends are. Yes this. If you're naturally shy or introverted you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone and meet more people. It will be hard (especially at the beginning) but it will be worth it. True story: One of my friends is quite literally a terrible catch in every superficial way you can think of: he's balding, obese, has diabetes, is bankrupt, lives with his parents, divorced, no car, has addiction and mental health problems etc. I'm not making that up. But he's never had problems finding dates and relationships. Why? He's outgoing. He likes meeting people. Despite all his issues, he's also a nice guy, smart and funny. But on the surface, not a good catch at all. Oh, and he met his current girlfriend through OLD.
mysteryscape Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 Who could try to set him up with similarly challenged women. e.g. if he is five feet tall, women who are shorter than he is. There are some. How badly physically challenged is he? Is he really 5 feet? Does he have other deformities? Is he really ugly? If there is only one major thing wrong, he could do things to try to compensate. e.g. if he is really short, he could try physical development to make himself more of a physical presence.
shet Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 What fulfills the individual then? Idunno the vast majority of human civilizations have had couples. Even deep down in South America where there are still tribal societies, they have couples. I think the nuclear family is stressful, though. Very isolated and lots of pressure, compared to ancient clan/tribe systems in which everyone took care of everyone. Like in an ancient tribe nobody worried they wouldn't be able to get food for their kids while all the other kids ate. Everyone ate together. You already answered your own question. The single/couple/family concept in Western society is unnatural contrived and flawed; it places intense pressure on individuals within it and causes intense competition both of which cause neurotic behaviour in every single one of us. One example of the alternative is from "primitive" tribal society where perhaps there are "couples" or perhaps there aren't (perhaps people forego entirely the sense of possessiveness and protectionism and the procreative association with it and just want to experience what it's like spending time with various people *mindblown*), family is a vague and extended concept, and everyone mucks in together on every level. Is a 40yo man lonely and rejected in such a system? No, he's as included as anyone else. Probably more so for his expertise. And yeah maybe he doesn't get laid and drop a sprog, but does that bother him when he's participating in raising children and loved by those around him? Or then again maybe he does, because without the ownership quality inherent in a Western "couple" what the **** difference does his looks make when nobody is thinking in terms of "I want that" but instead "I am happy in this persons company". Fulfilment comes from seeing your efforts make a difference in the world. The way we do things, the unsuccessful, the infirm, the ugly, the conflicted, are all prevented from participating - and the people who do get to participate are all stressed, panicking, hating their lot in life, and ultimately sinking their effort into a child who will themselves merely leave them and go on to continue the cycle. Closed off from each other to spend their whole lives working trying just to exist and be noticed. 1
mysteryscape Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 The family concept is hardly unique to western society. Every civilization has it, as far as I can tell. You think it's any easier in China or India? Or try Islamic civilization. The noble savage fantasy has been around for a long time, and is mostly debunked. OK, maybe there are societies in which everyone is held in common by everyone else. Big deal. None of us would really want to live in such a society, if we could find one that isn't extinct. As promiscuous as western society has become, it couldn't get much easier for an individual to find someone to at least have sex with. I doubt that this guy would have an easier time in a tribe full of primitives. He would still be last guy to be getting it. Alas, maybe, but that's the way it is.
AVarma Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 Most families...in America...even large ones, tend to split up when the elders die off. Or when off spring start having their own offsprings, they rarely stay in touch as they are busy with their...offpsrings. Perhaps once a year they at least see each other during the holidays. What are you talking about? I know many people 65+ who regularly keep in touch with their siblings.
shet Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 The family concept is hardly unique to western society. Every civilization has it, as far as I can tell. You think it's any easier in China or India? Or try Islamic civilization. The noble savage fantasy has been around for a long time, and is mostly debunked. OK, maybe there are societies in which everyone is held in common by everyone else. Big deal. None of us would really want to live in such a society, if we could find one that isn't extinct. As promiscuous as western society has become, it couldn't get much easier for an individual to find someone to at least have sex with. I doubt that this guy would have an easier time in a tribe full of primitives. He would still be last guy to be getting it. Alas, maybe, but that's the way it is. It's my misstep to use the word Western, granted. I should've said all modern societies. The flaws creep in in any hierarchic, power/money based social structure. Those arise in large populations through their organisation. As thinking reasoning beings we should be able to rise above defaults handed to us by instinct. We're not talking about this dude getting laid here. The thread asks what to tell this man. We're talking about overcoming a mental mindset that causes a single lonely man in his 40's to feel like a failure in many ways within the context of his society when, viewed truly objectively, he's not failed, and in fact by some metrics has won. I'm trying to offer an alternative way of looking at a life.
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