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[Sundark]

Just found this forum and seeing as how I'm fresh out of a relationship, I thought I would write this. Maybe it will help.

 

I'm a 20 yr old male. I suffer from depression and mood disorder.

She's a 19 yr old woman with her own mental problems.

 

We started dating three years ago. We both went to HS together. Before she even spoke a word to me I was utterly attracted to her. She was and is gorgeous, in a unique way. I caught myself looking at her whenever I could. Our eyes would meet often and I felt an energy between us so to say. Eventually she would start sitting next to me and so I started talking to her. We hit it off nice. It turned in to her coming to mine and we would just hang out (smoke, TV and stuff) and it felt great just being with her. I was falling for her. The more time I spent with her the more time I wanted to spend with her. There wasn't even hours in in a day. Mentally we clicked so hard. We could talk about anything and it was awesome. She became my home and we were almost never apart.

 

Eventually we moved into an apartment together. Not long after that I wasn't able to hold a job and started changing. I was becoming a dull shell of myself. There were a lot of issues in that apartment. Many fights ensued concerning various topics. We were acting like a couple, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't nearly as passionate or close as it had been before the move. I started going on dating websites and even posted to Craigslist looking for sex (A short period of time I had an ambition to be in porn). Let me say that I never cheated on her though. All of these problems ended in us fighting or breaking up every other week it felt. At the end of the lease we broke it off. Two or so weeks later. I called her, told her to come over to mine. She did and I asked for her back. I told her I would change. That we could be what we once were and beyond. She was very happy and the days after that were uneventful, but we were together so I felt alright.

 

Then out of the blue, she calls me and breaks it off. Oddly I was very fine with this. One night I get extremely inebriated though and want to talk to her. I come to find she had sex with another guy. She was always scared I would cheat but she was the one who ended up doing so. When talking to her she didn't want to see me and she sounded like she hated me (which I don't think I deserve). She refused to talk so I went to her house in the very early morning knocking on her window. She came out, said she didn't want to talk, and quickly went inside. Her parents then came out and threatened to call the cops. So I went back home.

 

After that I fell into a bad depression. I started consuming large amounts of alcohol and pills. I cut my arm bad yesterday as well which I haven't done in years. This is hitting me super hard. Way harder than I thought it would. I would call her etc and 99% of the time she wouldn't pick up and 1% she would sound so pissed at me. She hates me.

 

This is what I don't get. We got back together and she seemed very happy about it. Then not even a week later she ****s another guy, breaks it off, and completely changes how she acts towards me. I know she is going on dates already too. This isn't at all the girl I once knew, the one I loved to ****ing bits.

 

I made a lot of mistakes. We both did. I also messed up by repeatedly trying to contact her the past 3 or so days. I just feel so lost and confused now. I've fallen deeply into self-despair and I have contemplated suicide (not completely because of her though). I feel that we have a special connection. I think she may be being so mean to me because she does love me but doesn't think it will work, and that's her way of coping with not having me. At least I hope that's it. I've done that to her in the past but I wasn't nearly as bitter about it.

 

I know I should move on, but it's so damn difficult. I love her and would love to regain what we had. She is still my home. It hurts so ****ing bad knowing she would end it like this after the years we spent together. Even when I try to watch porn I just picture her ****ing the other guy. When I go on dating websites every girl is her.

 

I'm so weak right now and I'm just not equipped to deal with this. I know I have to push through though.

 

 

(I really had to just write and get this off my chest. Not my best writing nor am I checking for typos.)

Edit: Wish I had found that NC guide sooner. Even though this is hitting me super hard I am also seeing the benefits. I will be starting college early next year. Will probably get a BS in Info Tech. Then I would also like to pursue degrees in computer science and programming. I am jobless right now, but working on it. I also plan to start working out. I live with my grandparents now too and they let me stay here without having to pay rent. So I will be saving up money and going to college. I think this will help in keeping occupied and my mind off of her. All the while adding money and pursuing a career without having to deal with a relationship at the same time.

 

Edit 2:

I just want to say it is damn hard to not think of her. We spent so much time together over the last three years. Lived together for the last year. We shared a lot. Some of my favorite things (music, movies, shows etc) remind me of her and now I'm at my grandparents which is where we spent a lot of time during the first half of the relationship. In this very room. This is hard. It does hurt knowing she is happier without me too.

 

Edit 3:

I can keep rambling, so I'll try hard to stop here. I would also like to iterate that I'm a sad sack of ****. I have one friend and suffer badly from social anxiety, depression, and mood disorder. Very much introverted. I spend a lot of time by myself just thinking. Which is tearing me apart. She has a good job, a nice car, a good life. Guys are lining up to be with her. She's smart and beautiful. Right now I'm jobless, doing nothing and have no one to talk with. I compare her life now to how mine is now and this just adds to my self-loathing and hatred.

Edited December 17, 2014 by Sundark

[tobrieornottobrie]

It sounds like you are really hurting and I'm sorry to hear that. Would you be open to finding a counselor or therapist to talk to about some of the things that you are dealing with? Some of the things that you mentioned are very serious and I think having a professional to talk to may really prove helpful. Perhaps finding some new hobbies would also be good for you. I hope that it gets better for you, friend. Best of luck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[Sundark]

I am. I was feeling fine until earlier today. Then I OD'd on my anxiety pills. I wasn't trying to kill myself though. It wasn't a large dose at all. I just wanted these emotions to subside for a bit. Though I have been thinking about death. Understand that I've always been dealing with this sort of mental self-destruction. Only twice in my life have I felt that energy so strong with another that I pursued them. Her being the second. From the start she knew I was in a bad way. Everything was so organic with her and I felt so right with her. She was like my angel. I used to write on a Tumblr blog and I've been going on there to write to myself. I checked my messages and saw old ones where I had said I wanted to die but that I could never do that to her and she responded saying 'then you can never die'.

 

The first half of our relationship feels so surreal, so distant now. Her recent betrayal and how easy it was for her to throw me away is something I can't understand, or refuse to.

 

I've been staying in this room 24/7. We spent a lot of time here and at times I find myself looking at my bed, or waking up hoping she'll be with me. I know this is not healthy at all.

 

I have a slight disdain for therapists, but I have been thinking of checking inpatient at a local institute.

[tobrieornottobrie]

Would you be open to some sort of group therapy or a counselor as opposed to a therapist?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees