ladyinthemts Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I'll try to keep it brief...and I'll give more details based on questions you ask for clarification. (Note: Recently divorced, a little scared about love and feelings because I've been hurt.) Okay...co-worker guy, I'll call him "C". I'm 29, he's 26. At first, we were professional and a little shy, until we got to know each other. But I was separated and he was dating someone, so we kept our distance. Things changed when his relationship ended and I moved from separated to divorce in motion. Flirting, texting, talking... Things escalated quickly...when we went out with friends one night and got drunk. Neither of us drink normally and all we really expected to do was make-out at the most...but you know how it goes. Chemistry + alcohol + pool + summer heat......things went a little far. Next day we talked it out, both agreed we went too fast and tried to go back to just flirting and getting to know each other. He said not to feel guilty and he doesn't think I'm slut...after I expressed concern. > His old flame comes back to town and says she wanted to try again. I didn't want to get in the way of love, plus we were still getting to know each other. We talk in person and he's open and honest about not wanting to hurt me,but wanting to try again with her. I give space. > I try to give space. They do the on and off thing. I distance myself more, but he keeps flirting with me...asking if I'm okay...nothing serious though. > They start fighting, he still cares about her, but things just aren't aligning up for them. > She moves far away, she texts him a lot. He seems heartbroken but seems to believe it won't go anywhere. > During all of this, we've gotten closer. People who've known him for years say they are surprised how much he's opened up to me. Outsiders often think we are a couple when they see us together. People say they see chemistry. People also say he seemed to be Odd things he does... 1. Gives me things, bought me a birthday gift 2. Took me to the movies 3. When I try to friend-zone myself and act professional, he acts out for attention - jokes, pranks, silliness 4. When I said, "I'm trying to friendzone myself" and tried to be a friend and ask about his relationship with her, he shut me down BUT weeks later now talks to me about it 5. He offered to be my roommate - which is okay with his religion as long as we don't have sex/date 6. Horseplays with me and touches me...like how a 7th grader would flirt, but I can't tell if he's flirting or treating me like sister (note: I did test the waters and said "you're the only guy who gets away with this" His response was "Yeah, I'm just kidding around...or maybe I'm not.") 7. He teases me. "Your music sucks" (We listen to the same music.) 8. BUT sometimes he flakes out...like I invite to pizza with my friends and he cancels in the last minute! 9. He hugs me...especially if I say I need a hug. 10. When I needed a friend to go to court with me for the divorce...he came even though I said he didn't have to 11. When a guy was giving me problems, he said to tell that guy I was with him (I didn't but that surprised me) 12. When I asked if I had done something wrong and he said he was there for me whenever I needed him That's some of it, to start. I feel like...I'm friend-zoned. But a guy friend told me girls are never friend-zoned. Opinions? Thank you.
Dallers Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I'll try to keep it brief...and I'll give more details based on questions you ask for clarification. (Note: Recently divorced, a little scared about love and feelings because I've been hurt.) Okay...co-worker guy, I'll call him "C". I'm 29, he's 26. At first, we were professional and a little shy, until we got to know each other. But I was separated and he was dating someone, so we kept our distance. Things changed when his relationship ended and I moved from separated to divorce in motion. Flirting, texting, talking... Things escalated quickly...when we went out with friends one night and got drunk. Neither of us drink normally and all we really expected to do was make-out at the most...but you know how it goes. Chemistry + alcohol + pool + summer heat......things went a little far. Next day we talked it out, both agreed we went too fast and tried to go back to just flirting and getting to know each other. He said not to feel guilty and he doesn't think I'm slut...after I expressed concern. > His old flame comes back to town and says she wanted to try again. I didn't want to get in the way of love, plus we were still getting to know each other. We talk in person and he's open and honest about not wanting to hurt me,but wanting to try again with her. I give space. > I try to give space. They do the on and off thing. I distance myself more, but he keeps flirting with me...asking if I'm okay...nothing serious though. > They start fighting, he still cares about her, but things just aren't aligning up for them. > She moves far away, she texts him a lot. He seems heartbroken but seems to believe it won't go anywhere. > During all of this, we've gotten closer. People who've known him for years say they are surprised how much he's opened up to me. Outsiders often think we are a couple when they see us together. People say they see chemistry. People also say he seemed to be Odd things he does... 1. Gives me things, bought me a birthday gift 2. Took me to the movies 3. When I try to friend-zone myself and act professional, he acts out for attention - jokes, pranks, silliness 4. When I said, "I'm trying to friendzone myself" and tried to be a friend and ask about his relationship with her, he shut me down BUT weeks later now talks to me about it 5. He offered to be my roommate - which is okay with his religion as long as we don't have sex/date 6. Horseplays with me and touches me...like how a 7th grader would flirt, but I can't tell if he's flirting or treating me like sister (note: I did test the waters and said "you're the only guy who gets away with this" His response was "Yeah, I'm just kidding around...or maybe I'm not.") 7. He teases me. "Your music sucks" (We listen to the same music.) 8. BUT sometimes he flakes out...like I invite to pizza with my friends and he cancels in the last minute! 9. He hugs me...especially if I say I need a hug. 10. When I needed a friend to go to court with me for the divorce...he came even though I said he didn't have to 11. When a guy was giving me problems, he said to tell that guy I was with him (I didn't but that surprised me) 12. When I asked if I had done something wrong and he said he was there for me whenever I needed him That's some of it, to start. I feel like...I'm friend-zoned. But a guy friend told me girls are never friend-zoned. Opinions? Thank you. There is no such thing as the friend zone. When this happens you are number 2, on the side, a backup. Simply, you like him more than you are letting on but played into his hands by agreeing with what he says and wants. He can see this a mile off and can continue his problem relationship while getting easy sex and attention from you. You will never be anything more and you are being used. This will just get harder for you and easier for him. This is common and you either go with it until you get hurt: (length of time involved x amount of pain, suffering and recovery) Or realise you are better than this and walk the hell away. I allowed it for 3 months and it has been a rough few weeks getting over a similar situation. Do yourself a favour and move on. 3
Satu Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 He's very immature and he's using you as a fallback option. As soon as he meets someone else he'll pay no attention to you, and you'll be left out in the cold. I don't think you're in the friend zone, because he isn't even a friend to you. You're just being used. 1
Jules Dash Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 Since he does things like bought her a birthday gift and went to court with her as well as offered to be her roommate, it doesn't seem like he is just using her. It seems like he really appreciates her as, at least, a friend. 1
deathandtaxes Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 You will always be #2 if his on/off again gf is around and he still wants something with her. All the rest is just flash and icing. You two may have your fun, but there are commitment problems writ large here.
Phoe Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 Girls definitely get friendzoned. I get Friendzoned all the time. Your case, however, is not friendzone. You guys have already hooked up and have a history and behavior you two that is NOT typical of normal friends. You're not friendzoned, you're just someone he has fun with when it suits him. 3
callingyouuu Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I don't think you're being used/friendzoned. He seems to care about you too much for that to be true. The only question for me is to what extent he's interested.
Author ladyinthemts Posted December 17, 2014 Author Posted December 17, 2014 There is no such thing as the friend zone. When this happens you are number 2, on the side, a backup. Simply, you like him more than you are letting on but played into his hands by agreeing with what he says and wants. He can see this a mile off and can continue his problem relationship while getting easy sex and attention from you. You will never be anything more and you are being used. This will just get harder for you and easier for him. This is common and you either go with it until you get hurt: (length of time involved x amount of pain, suffering and recovery) Or realise you are better than this and walk the hell away. I allowed it for 3 months and it has been a rough few weeks getting over a similar situation. Do yourself a favour and move on. Thanks for your input. Sidenote, I'm not sleeping with him or anything sexual. It was just that once. I don't give anything like that now. And I'm usually trying to be chill, the more I pull away the more he tries. Confusing!
FitChick Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 Are you from two different religions and cultures where you are unlikely to be able to get married without causing a lot of family drama?
PaperCrane Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I'll try to keep it brief...and I'll give more details based on questions you ask for clarification. (Note: Recently divorced, a little scared about love and feelings because I've been hurt.) Okay...co-worker guy, I'll call him "C". I'm 29, he's 26. At first, we were professional and a little shy, until we got to know each other. But I was separated and he was dating someone, so we kept our distance. Things changed when his relationship ended and I moved from separated to divorce in motion. Flirting, texting, talking... Things escalated quickly...when we went out with friends one night and got drunk. Neither of us drink normally and all we really expected to do was make-out at the most...but you know how it goes. Chemistry + alcohol + pool + summer heat......things went a little far. Next day we talked it out, both agreed we went too fast and tried to go back to just flirting and getting to know each other. He said not to feel guilty and he doesn't think I'm slut...after I expressed concern. > His old flame comes back to town and says she wanted to try again. I didn't want to get in the way of love, plus we were still getting to know each other. We talk in person and he's open and honest about not wanting to hurt me,but wanting to try again with her. I give space. > I try to give space. They do the on and off thing. I distance myself more, but he keeps flirting with me...asking if I'm okay...nothing serious though. > They start fighting, he still cares about her, but things just aren't aligning up for them. > She moves far away, she texts him a lot. He seems heartbroken but seems to believe it won't go anywhere. > During all of this, we've gotten closer. People who've known him for years say they are surprised how much he's opened up to me. Outsiders often think we are a couple when they see us together. People say they see chemistry. People also say he seemed to be Odd things he does... 1. Gives me things, bought me a birthday gift 2. Took me to the movies 3. When I try to friend-zone myself and act professional, he acts out for attention - jokes, pranks, silliness 4. When I said, "I'm trying to friendzone myself" and tried to be a friend and ask about his relationship with her, he shut me down BUT weeks later now talks to me about it 5. He offered to be my roommate - which is okay with his religion as long as we don't have sex/date 6. Horseplays with me and touches me...like how a 7th grader would flirt, but I can't tell if he's flirting or treating me like sister (note: I did test the waters and said "you're the only guy who gets away with this" His response was "Yeah, I'm just kidding around...or maybe I'm not.") 7. He teases me. "Your music sucks" (We listen to the same music.) 8. BUT sometimes he flakes out...like I invite to pizza with my friends and he cancels in the last minute! 9. He hugs me...especially if I say I need a hug. 10. When I needed a friend to go to court with me for the divorce...he came even though I said he didn't have to 11. When a guy was giving me problems, he said to tell that guy I was with him (I didn't but that surprised me) 12. When I asked if I had done something wrong and he said he was there for me whenever I needed him That's some of it, to start. I feel like...I'm friend-zoned. But a guy friend told me girls are never friend-zoned. Opinions? Thank you. Hello female version of me! I am/was in a scarily similar situation as you. Basically he gets all the benefits of a girlfriend without actually being in a relationship. If you want more, make it very clear because 9 times out of 10 they will ride this comfort train until it makes the final stop in New Girlfriend City at the intersection of Broken Heart Ave. If he won't seriously date you, cut yourself off 100% percent because I can tell you now, you will get tremendously hurt by this unless you decide to do something about it. 1
Mystique01 Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) I agree with most of the other posters on here. I think he's basically using you as a "fallback option" as it is convenient for HIM. Meanwhile, you're not getting what YOU really want (which is a real relationship) and you're feeling confused. Here's an idea: Why don't you just talk with him and let him know where you stand? In other words, you might do better to just be direct with him and say: "Hey C, look, I really enjoy your company when we hang out, and I think you're a cool person, but after the hookup and the recent off/on again relationship with you and your ex gf, I just have to know the nature of our friendship. Your behavior has been confusing me and I just want to make sure that we're on the same page. (YOU COULD ALSO add--if you're feeling gutsy ) I actually like you as more than a friend, but I am not interested in being in limbo, so if you are trying to pursue a relationship with your ex-gf then maybe it's best if we just go our separate ways and just be cordial if we see each other at work." BINGO....Feelings of confusion GONE. Sometimes it really is best to just TALK to people and find out what is going on. HEaring it from the horse's mouth is better than anything you could get here. All we can do on here is speculate what he's thinking or how he's feeling. Edited December 18, 2014 by Mystique01 1
Kadie Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 I think you all should keep it more of less professional since he hasnt given you a reason to think otherwise. I think he is looking for fun and youre looking for a relationship. If he doesnt want to move forward with you then dont give him the benefits that come with it.
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