Fortuna56 Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I have a problem concerning a coworker and it's getting so bad I'm finding it difficult to sleep from worrying so much about it. If anyone could offer some advice it would be greatly appreciated. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. In the first year of our relationship he lied to me quite a lot and that put a lot of strain on us both. Since then from what I know he has been honest. My boyfriend is in a band and tours quite a bit, meaning he goes away for long periods of time. When he gets home he mostly watches you tube videos and plays playstation games. He doesn't make a lot of money so the worry of that and the fact he does little to change it weighs heavy on my mind. I know my boyfriend loves me but he makes very little effort with me (apart from making me nice meals) he never suggests anything for us to do and we almost always just watch TV. I am doing a masters in music and a week before starting I lost my drama free job and was forced to turn to working in a very cool bar (i have had bar jobs in the past and disliked them). I started working there and got on with everyone great, work is fun and eventful and full of characters and stories, I feel really lucky to have gotten such a cushty job while I'm studying. On my first shift there was a guy on the bar who was so attractive I didn't want to look at him! I don't go for pretty guys. At the end of the night I saw him take home a stunning blonde customer. We began chatting while on shifts together and I found we're both really into music and we get on really well, I can't stop laughing when I'm around him. At the end of one shift he offered to give me a lift home, we drove around for over an hour chatting and exploring, when I returned home I didn't tell my boyfriend about it. Since then I know I have feelings for my co worker, he only works Saturday nights so whenever I am working with him I get super nervous, drink lots and generally make it really obvious that I like him and embarrass myself. I don't think my coworker likes me, the most he has done is give me that long drive home and the other night he pretty much forced me to wear his coat while we we're both outside smoking. He singles me out i guess but I think mainly that is because I like to smoke and I'm into music. I have also been told that he is a bit of a player and I figure he likes knowing people like him. This has been going on for the past month and I'm sick of feeling so anxious! I feel so guilty harbouring these feelings while with my boyfriend. Things aren't really working with him at the moment but I feel i should stick it out due to a number of things; I know he's a good person and he loves me, we have a contract on our house until September and I feel I need his help music wise. I can't break up with my boyfriend, I want to feel only for him- so I need to stop obsessing over this other guy. Can any one help with how to do this? I'd like to know the best way to be at work that will help me stop liking him. I feel I should just avoid conversations with him entirely, is this wise? This year I just wanted to focus on myself and my work and here I am an insomniac from guilt and longing getting nothing done! Help would be greatly appreciated.
Smarter Love Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I think it's natural to be drawn to other people, when our relationship is seeming unstable. I've felt it too. We notice people, we feel attraction, it can't be helped sometimes. Do you think you can maintain a (platonic) friendship with your co-worker, while you try to work things out with your bf? I don't think it's possible to kick out amorous thoughts about your co-worker, especially if you are in his presence regularly. Is there more you can be doing to strengthen the bond with your bf? 1
PogoStick Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 Your coworker probably wants to bang you and possibly not have feelings involved. He's definitely flirting with you and you're eating it up. I'm already putting my money on you sleeping with him. Maybe it will be 6 months or a year, but eventually you'll find a reason to "oops" let it happen. But being it's so predictable means it's not really an "oops" is it? 1
Author Fortuna56 Posted December 17, 2014 Author Posted December 17, 2014 Your coworker probably wants to bang you and possibly not have feelings involved. He's definitely flirting with you and you're eating it up. I'm already putting my money on you sleeping with him. Maybe it will be 6 months or a year, but eventually you'll find a reason to "oops" let it happen. But being it's so predictable means it's not really an "oops" is it? Pogostick your reply made me laugh! You deem me so predictable but I can assure you I won't sleep with my co worker. Things will definitely stay platonic as I don't want to even think the things that I am thinking let alone act on them. I am constantly trying with my boyfriend and really hope things get back to a good place between us. I was hoping for possible distraction techniques or methods of how to keep feelings under control, first hand stories of a similar nature...
PogoStick Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 In that case, stop all unnecessary contact with him. Avoid being near him and talking to him except where your job requires it. Don't allow any conversation unless it is work related. Don't join him for smoke breaks, car rides, or anything. 1
Author Fortuna56 Posted December 17, 2014 Author Posted December 17, 2014 In that case, stop all unnecessary contact with him. Avoid being near him and talking to him except where your job requires it. Don't allow any conversation unless it is work related. Don't join him for smoke breaks, car rides, or anything. You are absolutely right. Thank you 1
Diezel Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. In the first year of our relationship he lied to me quite a lot and that put a lot of strain on us both. Since then from what I know he has been honest. I know my boyfriend loves me but he makes very little effort with me (apart from making me nice meals) he never suggests anything for us to do and we almost always just watch TV. At the end of one shift he offered to give me a lift home, we drove around for over an hour chatting and exploring, when I returned home I didn't tell my boyfriend about it. Things aren't really working with him at the moment but I feel i should stick it out due to a number of things; I know he's a good person and he loves me, we have a contract on our house until September and I feel I need his help music wise. I can't break up with my boyfriend, I want to feel only for him- You already emotionally began the cheating process and not only that, you've already begun rationalizing and are throwing out excuses in your own mind as to why you shouldn't feel as guilty. I get it, your relationship has problems, but now you are attracted to these emotions because you aren't feeling them in your own relationship. You SAW this guy leaving with a "stunning blonde customer". I'm sorry, but this thread has all the hallmarks of a classic LS cheat thread in the making. You say that you wouldn't have sex with this guy but also admit to drinking a ton around him. Not only that, but you didn't tell your boyfriend about the long drives home? Yeah. We'll see how this pans out. 3
Author Fortuna56 Posted December 17, 2014 Author Posted December 17, 2014 You already emotionally began the cheating process and not only that, you've already begun rationalizing and are throwing out excuses in your own mind as to why you shouldn't feel as guilty. I get it, your relationship has problems, but now you are attracted to these emotions because you aren't feeling them in your own relationship. You SAW this guy leaving with a "stunning blonde customer". I'm sorry, but this thread has all the hallmarks of a classic LS cheat thread in the making. You say that you wouldn't have sex with this guy but also admit to drinking a ton around him. Not only that, but you didn't tell your boyfriend about the long drives home? Yeah. We'll see how this pans out. What faith! Like I said I do have feelings for this guy but I came on this site seeking advice as I am actively trying to stop the way I feel. It must be tough being so cynical all the time and picking out the worst from what people say. "Drive" home, just one. It hasn't happened again & won't! I guess I mentioned the customer as she was so different to me it sort of backed up my argument that he doesn't return my feelings - only relevant if you know what I look like. Drinking yes but plan to no longer, though I'm guessing you'll doubt I will manage it.
lil hoodlum Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Things aren't really working with him at the moment but I feel i should stick it out due to a number of things; I know he's a good person and he loves me, we have a contract on our house until September and I feel I need his help music wise. I don't think anyone is being cynical. I think it is very telling that you mention twice that your boyfriend loves you but you never mentioned that you love him. Also it seems that you are just using him in someway because you need his help music wise. It sounds like things are going stale in your relationship and that you have tried initiating change but the boyfriend seems resistant to changing things. Sounds like you are not getting much attention from the boyfriend but you enjoy the attention from your gorgeous man-crush co-worker. It's ok, not judging you. Things are lacking in your relationship and you are seeking a change. Question for you. How would you feel if you found out that your boyfriend had a massive crush on somebody else and begun to spend "alone" time together and kept that a secret from you? I think it is time to have a serious heart-to-heart talk with the boyfriend about the state of affairs in your relationship with him. Let him know that you are unhappy with how things have been between the two of you lately and would like for things to change. Tell him what it is you want.
Assada Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 from the sound of it, I wouldnt be surprized if OP had cheated on this guy already. She is alredy rationalizing it. Mentioning that her BF lied to her in the past.What kind of lies did he tell you? You should let your BF know that you wish to see other people if you intend to get with other people
Diezel Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 What faith! Like I said I do have feelings for this guy but I came on this site seeking advice as I am actively trying to stop the way I feel. It must be tough being so cynical all the time and picking out the worst from what people say. "Drive" home, just one. It hasn't happened again & won't! I guess I mentioned the customer as she was so different to me it sort of backed up my argument that he doesn't return my feelings - only relevant if you know what I look like. Drinking yes but plan to no longer, though I'm guessing you'll doubt I will manage it. Then if you already have a plan to STOP all of the activity, what is this thread really about then? Because from the outside looking in, it sounds like you don't have anything figured out, but you keep telling us that you do... but you need help. Of course I have doubts. If this thread were SOLELY about "How do I stop thinking about a co-worker", it'd be entirely different but the subtext is that this is a co-worker that you might get with while cheating on your boyfriend. YOU drew attention to that fact, not us. YOUR words: I am an insomniac from guilt.
truth_seeker Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 She works in a bar... the odds of not cheating?
mysteryscape Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 Tell your boyfriend how you feel about this other guy. He may well do the hard work of splitting up with you! Especially if things are not going well anyway.
Redhead14 Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 If you want to stop thinking about a co-worker . . . STOP THINKING ABOUT A CO-WORKER! I'm thinking that you have lost interest in your boyfriend because you are thinking about a co-worker. If you love him, focus on him and only him. If there are issues in the relationship that are causing you to feel unsatisfied, you need to address those issues with him in a mature, non-confrontational conversation. If those issues cannot be resolved, you end it.
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