meandi Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 (edited) Where do I even begin? I have an amazing fiance. I have known him as a friend for many years and we hooked up just over 2 years ago and got engaged earlier this year. I am 30 and he is 27. I love his parents and get on quite well with them so this is all becoming quite hard and worrying for me. His parents are just too overbearing, its getting to the point where I am becoming concerned about our future marriage. He still lives at home but thats mainly because he has always worked away from home because of the nature of his job and only moved back to our hometown sometime last year. Sometimes he'd work 2 hours away and other times further away. But back to my point. His parents are the type that are admired amongst the family and friends and they almost pride themselves as the "perfect Godly parents" & when I first started dating my fiance it all seemed so great because I grew up with a dysfunctional family unit. Bt as time goes by I am starting to see the cracks. They treat their adult children like kids. I recently moved into my own place and it has made things slightlybetter having some more privacy but he can't even sleep over. I mean for pete's sake he is 27 and I'm 30 AND we're engaged!!! If be falls asleep at my place he wakes up 4/5am in the morning to go home cause his parents will have an issue that he slept over!! His parents are all in his business, his mother opens his mail, they want to know about his finances at times. They simply treatment h like a child. We are both on leave from work for the festive season & have planned a number of things we want to do over the holidays as he will be moving 4hours away for work in the new year but his dad has already given him a list of "chores" to do from painting, tiling, doing paving etc with no regard for what we had planned. If he kicks up a fuss about it then he is ungrateful blah blah. They are always holding it over their kids' heads about how much they have done for them and how they should be appreciative. Like they need to be forever in debted to them for putting them through school. My fiance paid for his own studies after school btw. He now spends most of his time by me and I can see how frustrated he is bt he doesnt tell them how he feels. Friends tell me it will get better once we are married. Bt his sister is married with 2 kids and they are all up in her and her husbands business. They get treated like kids, they have no regard for the fact that their adult kids have their own lives and they need to respect that. This bothers me alot. A few days ago my fiance spent the entire day at my place so we didnt see his parents that day and the next day his mother asks y we didnt come around and she can see that we won't look after them when they are old! Omw! Because we didnt come over one day?!! I havent lived with my parents for many years and cant remember when last I was parents cause as I said I am THIRTY so its very frustrating having to act like a child around them. Financially it wud make sense for me and my fiance to move in together before we get married but he is almost too scared to even mention it to his parents. I just feel that at this age ur parents dont have a say over what u do with your life. Sorry if u think living together is taboo bit this is our lives. I am constantly being told by his mother that ppl who live together before marriage, there marriages dont last. Bull! I refuse to change who I am for them but I feel trapped. We are high achieving adults and are clearly not screwing up our lives bt at his point I feel trapped. All I have mentioned is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes how over-involved his parents are in their lives. Edited December 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Author meandi Posted December 17, 2014 Author Posted December 17, 2014 Apologies for all the grammar and spelling errors. Im typing this frustratingly at 4am.
Author meandi Posted December 17, 2014 Author Posted December 17, 2014 I forgot to add that I have spoken to my fiance about this and he knows where I am coming from and he too is frustrated but im not sure he knows how to deal with it without causing WWIII. just one last example of how they treat us like kids which I really wanted to mention: I having gone camping with him and his family twice before and each time we had to sleep in separate tents!!!! Thats insane! So I had to share a tent with his sister and hubby and their 2yr old while my fiance slept alone in his 2man tent. How freakin humiliating! We are not teeangers with ragin uncontrollable hormones for goodness sake!
Gloria25 Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I don't know, but I wouldn't be planning a marriage with someone who never has been on their own... While your situation involves a male, I've seen too many females jump from their parent's home to some guy's home and never been on their own. Recipe for disaster. If you want to continue with this engagement, I suggest you look into "pre-marital counseling" because, IMO, marriage is more than just how you "feeel" about someone. Practicalities come into place (i.e. religion, finances, family) and if you two can't hash out all the "un-romantic" stuff now, after you exchange rings is not the time to do it. If he needs roommates to cover his bills if he moves out from his parents, then IMO, he needs to move in with other guys - not you. He has to learn to be independent. He has to learn to solve his own problems (i.e. how to get and afford his own place). He has to become a "man".
Toodaloo Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 He needs to move out and live on his own for a bit. *and not give his parents a key...* 1
Els Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I'm sorry to hear that your fiance's parents are giving the two of you so much grief - IME this is quite normal among extremely religious parents. Some of them really have no boundaries with their adult children and zero respect for them - one of my religious friends is 30+ and his mother still has a curfew for him. That being said, people only have the power that you allow them to have. So I do think your fiance is partly responsible for the situation at hand. Granted some compromises probably have to be made unless he desires to cut them off completely, which IMO might not be the best solution. But he is making all of it worse by living at home. Obviously if he lives under his parents' roof he cannot blame them for thinking that he's still a child and under their thumb. He sounds like he's completely tied to his mom's apron strings, and if he can't set boundaries with her, then what will you do when she tries to butt into your life as a married couple? Do you think he will know how to live without his parents and contribute equally to your household? I think he should move out and start establishing boundaries with his parents, before the two of you tie the knot.
beatcuff Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 until such time that he 'grows a pair' and moves out he will always be thought of as a child. at that time a parent should be an advisor/mentor (someone to bounce ideas off and/or be a resource).
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