Mx12345 Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 I met this guy online and our first date was amazing. Great chemistry, a lot in common, super funny. He said on this date however that he wasn't looking for anything serious. While I would like to find someone to date seriously, he was fun and I had nothing else going on date wise so I thought why not? On our second date we ended up sleeping together. I told my sister that morning that he was definitely not interested in anything more than casual just from the vibe I got from him. For the next two months he'd text me once every week and a half to two weeks, we'd end up grabbing a drink, having sex, then again, no communication for over a week. At this point I was still ok with it because I was dating other people and had other stuff going on. And I was very aware that all we had going was a casual sex relationship. Seven weeks ago though something changed. We went to a concert together, he invited me to a bonfire/bbq thing his coworker was having, we went to lunch during the week (he asked). We also were communicating more. Not everyday, but every other day at least. We spent his birthday together. I'm not stupid to think he's not seeing other girls, so I was surprised he was spending his birthday alone before I invited him to go have a drink. During all of this we get along really well, both smart, driven people. We're both witty and banter back and forth. During this time I realized I really was starting to like him. I kept thinking about how we started though and how on the first date he said he wasn't looking for anything serious. So with a heavy heart, one day when we were casually texting I said that even though I had a lot of fun hanging out with him, I didn't want to do the casual sex thing anymore, and I wanted to try to look for something more than just casual. He waited four hours to respond (even though he read my text) and I thought he'd say something generic like "well I'm not looking for anything more, but you're an awesome person, blah, blah, blah." But instead he said he liked me, and he liked hanging out with me, and he knows he doesn't give more than just a casual vibe off, but he'd be willing to try more than casual. I was surprised. I told him I wasn't looking to rush into a relationship but that I didn't want to be a random once a week hookup anymore. We said we would start dating. The first few days were great. He text me often enough that I felt at ease, and we went out twice. But now two weeks later I feel like nothing has changed. I go a few days without hearing from him, no real plans are made. Today he text me asking what my week looked like. I told him the two days I was booked this week. He told me the two days he had plans too then the conversation ended. What is going on??? I gave him an easy out three weeks ago. Why didn't he take it? What am I supposed to do at this point? I wNt to ask him what does his definition of dating mean, but I feel like he'll feel like we already had this conversation. When we're hanging out everything is amazing. I always leave feeling like he's really into me. But then I don't hear from him for three days. And he rarely will make definitive plans. Leaving me waiting by the phone thinking he'll text me asking to hang out. I should probably just walk away from the situation, but I already tried that, and he told me he liked me! What should I do?
mammasita Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Lay it all out on the table. Talk to him, who cares if you've said it before? If you don't say it now, you'll never have the relationship you want. You're obviously not afraid to walk away, and rightfully so - you shouldn't be. All things point to him not being the right one, but IMO, it wouldn't hurt to give him an earful one last time.
Author Mx12345 Posted December 16, 2014 Author Posted December 16, 2014 I should also point out that 80% of the time it's him texting me first. It's not like I'm blowing up his phone and he's nicely responding to me. If he's not interested why keep texting?
mammasita Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 I should also point out that 80% of the time it's him texting me first. It's not like I'm blowing up his phone and he's nicely responding to me. If he's not interested why keep texting? Well you need to talk to him then, let him know what you like/expect.....otherwise stepping into relationship territory will be a huge fail. Communicate.
KatZee Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 I should also point out that 80% of the time it's him texting me first. It's not like I'm blowing up his phone and he's nicely responding to me. If he's not interested why keep texting? Now that you're dating you need to put more effort into the relationship. 80/20???? That's very skewed and you should step it up. Plan a date. Communication goes two ways. When he told you days he was busy you could have continued on and suggested a plan. Instead you just sat there waiting for him to do something. 1
Author Mx12345 Posted December 18, 2014 Author Posted December 18, 2014 So I took the advice of the previous poster and texted him saying if he wasn't busy Thursday or Friday we should plan something. He said sounds great, probably Friday. And I haven't heard from him since! I feel like he's backing off, which sucks because three weeks ago I gave him the out and he said he liked me and that he was willing to be more than casual. Now my feelings are getting hurt. Before I knew we were casual and he didn't owe me anything. Now that we are dating I feel more communication is needed. Ugh I don't even know why I'm doing this. This guy may have elevated me from casual sex to dating but he'll never commit to being my boyfriend or even exclusively dating. I'm wasting my time.
Redhead14 Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) I should also point out that 80% of the time it's him texting me first. It's not like I'm blowing up his phone and he's nicely responding to me. If he's not interested why keep texting? He is likely taking it slowly now since he's told you he'd like to see if it can be more. If you like him enough, let him lead, you respond in kind and in a balanced way. You should not bring up that conversation again for a little while. If he doesn't up things within say a month, I'd tell him you're moving on. You've told him what you want for yourself in the long run and he's said he wants to try it, let him demonstrate that he's serious about that. In the meantime, don't accept last minute dates (unless there is a very good reason). Set/show him the pattern you want. If he asks for a last minute date, just say, I can't do that tonight, can we get together (2 days later or whatever works for you). I would also take sex off the table for a while to see his response. It will test his sincerity and answer a lot of your questions. You also don't want to make it appear that you are using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation (You've already been having sex). If you and he go out and he wants you to go home with him or come to your place, I'd say something like I have to be up early tomorrow or some other plans. Don't tell him you're taking it off the table, just don't make room for that to happen until he makes it clear that he actually wants what you want. Edited December 18, 2014 by Redhead14
Author Mx12345 Posted December 23, 2014 Author Posted December 23, 2014 I took the advice of one of the previous posters and last Tuesday asked about us going out. It was decided Friday would be our date. I didn't hear from him on Wednesday or Thursday. Friday during the day I text him confirming that night. He said he was still down to have our date but nothing too crazy because he had friends coming in on Saturday night and he needed to get his house ready as well as finishing Xmas shopping. Keep in mind earlier in the week when we discussed our schedules he never mentioned having friends in town but whatever. So we had our date on Friday, everything went amazing as it normally does. He joked about getting me a Xmas present. We also passed by this restaurant that just opened and he said after Christmas was over we should go there. We spent the night together and I left early Saturday morning. And I haven't heard from him since. Is he doing the slow fade? Why mention taking me to a restaurant after Christmas if he's not really feeling it anymore? I don't like feeling this way. We moved from casually having sex to dating yet I don't feel much has changed. Should I give him till after the holidays?
stillafool Posted December 23, 2014 Posted December 23, 2014 Now that you're dating you need to put more effort into the relationship. 80/20???? That's very skewed and you should step it up. Plan a date. Communication goes two ways. When he told you days he was busy you could have continued on and suggested a plan. Instead you just sat there waiting for him to do something. I agree. If you want to be his gf start acting like one. Make plans, invite him over for a home cooked meal. They love that. 1
venusishername Posted December 23, 2014 Posted December 23, 2014 Yes, I would stop with the wondering if he's doing the 'slow fade'. A lot of people start out casually hooking up and then whoops, feelings get involved. That's great! Ha, you're lucky. I wouldn't put a timeline or expectation on how things should accelerate or how OFTEN you see each other. This shift should be gradual. Obviously, communicate. Do something for him more 'intimate'. I love the idea of inviting him over for dinner. I only do that for men I REALLY like
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