TheStylist Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Hi everyone, I just started doing NC today. To make the story short, my relationship with my boyfriend started so amazing and perfect but it has become toxic over the months. Several times, we would break up, then got back again after few days. The chain of unhealthy cycle began. After a year and 2 months, I couldn't allow myself to be in this stressful situation anymore. I was so drained and hurt. I still want this relationship to workout. Today, I started reading this book called "How To Get Your Ex Back Fast!:Toy with the Male Psyche and Get Him Back with Skills only a Dating Coach Knows" by Gregg Michaelsen. He has this 7 Steps to Get Your Ex Back. Inorder for this to work, the 7 steps must be followed to a T. Step 1 (as expected) is To Stop All Contact (NC) but step 2 bothers me so much that I couldn't continue to read it and had to log in to my loveshack account to ask all your thoughts on this. Step 2 is very crucial step according to him. His Step 2 is, after a 4-5 days of no contact, you have to write a very short farewell letter (preferably a handwritten letter and mail it to his address). According to him, this letter doesn't represent how you feel necessarily at all, it is solely meant to trigger a reaction in him that time is up and he is losing you. Now, what do you think of this advice, guys/ ladies? I don't really feel like doing this letter. I just want to do a straight NC. I do what him back. But I am not sure I can do the step 2. Please, help!
Ducktape Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 That's just playing games. Could work, could fail. There's the gamble. Your relationship doesn't seem to be meant to be. Especially if you add games to it, won't make it any easier. You both need time to grow, to figure things out. Maybe there's a future for the both of you, but I'd say it is not now. On and off relationships are dysfunctional. 1
KBarletta Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Personally, if it's a long-term relationship, 4-5 days of no contact is basically no time at all. Any reaction is likely to be negative after such a short time. I would give it weeks or even months before I expected either party to respond favorably to any contact like that.
Author TheStylist Posted December 16, 2014 Author Posted December 16, 2014 Yes, I totally agree. It is dysfunctional and immature. He is going through a lot (his career) for the past months and our relationship has been affected tremendously. Sometimes, it was me who initiated the break up because I couln't take the pressure anymore. Other times, he did. And vice versa. We rarely see each other now. Like 2-3 times a month, instead of the usual several times a week. We are both busy with our careers but we made sure to make time for us, but after his problem at work began, everything went down with it. I know our relationship can still be salvaged if we allow this time off for a while. I don't know anymore if I am doing this right. I haven't sleep well for few days now. I am so messed up.
RedButton Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Honestly, I think most of these 'GET YOUR EX BACK!' books and paid courses are a sham. It seems like it's big business, I see so many ads for witch doctors and sooth sayers in the back of newspapers claiming to win back lost loves for $$$ and countless times I'll look online for advice on coping with a breakup only to get pages of results of 'SECRET TO WIN HIM/HER BACK!' You can't (or at least, shouldn't) manipulate people into getting back with you. I think the best thing to do is give yourself time to clear your head and then figure things out. You don't even know what you want right now because you're in distress (or at least, I know I was so soon after my breakup).
Author TheStylist Posted December 16, 2014 Author Posted December 16, 2014 Actually, we haven't really broke up. We had this huge fight over the text yesterday and I went straight to NC today. He was confined in the hospital last Sunday for a minor illness. I had to drive 4 hours to be with him in the hospital right away and stayed for 3 hours, then head back home because I have work the next day. I got home at past 1 am and then, a fight started over the text. I had enough yesterday. I feel so bad knowing he is still sick and still in the hospital, and we are not talking. I've heard (from his friend) that he will be out tomorrow.
Ducktape Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Jesus Christ. Seriously. Just communicate with him. He's your boyfriend. Step on that big ego of yours, both of you, and figure things out together. Either decide to work on things together, or go your separate ways. What's the use of coming here and asking for advice from strangers when you have the ability to talk to the person you love and receive your answers? I may sound harsh, but communication is the basis of any relationship. If you guys can't do that, then there's no use trying. 3
Diezel Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 So you two haven't broken up and you are reading books on how to get your ex back? Am I understanding this correctly?
Author TheStylist Posted December 16, 2014 Author Posted December 16, 2014 Jesus Christ. Seriously. Just communicate with him. He's your boyfriend. Step on that big ego of yours, both of you, and figure things out together. Either decide to work on things together, or go your separate ways. What's the use of coming here and asking for advice from strangers when you have the ability to talk to the person you love and receive your answers? I may sound harsh, but communication is the basis of any relationship. If you guys can't do that, then there's no use trying. I know our situation is crazy. I did try to call him repeatedly that Sunday night when the fight started over text. I didn't want to argue through text as I was extremely exhausted from the long drive (while he was in the hospital) but he never took any of my calls. Instead, he continued texting me and I almost begged him to answer my calls and talk. He usually does this to me. Everytime we argue, he resorted to texting angry messages to me and refusing to see me or talk it over the phone. Few times, I had to drive to his place just to talk and settle things face to face. One time, I have to drive at midnight just to talk to him and I waited for more than 2 hours outside his place and he never let me in. Instead, he continued arguing over the text and I was parking outside his place!!! You see, I have no choice anymore but to do the NC. I have enough of this immaturity.
Author TheStylist Posted December 16, 2014 Author Posted December 16, 2014 So you two haven't broken up and you are reading books on how to get your ex back? Am I understanding this correctly? We haven't formally broken up in words, so to speak. I went through a lot with this guy that I have no choice but to do NC (for my own sanity). And yes, I want us to go back from the first few months of our amazing time together. That is why I am reading the book. But after reading Step 2, I totally changed my mind. Maybe, it's time to really end this because it making me sick (physically speaking) already. I don't know. I still haven't sleep well til now. I feel so numb and blank right now.
Ducktape Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 I have enough of this immaturity. By "this" immaturity, you're talking about how you're trying to play games to win your ex boyfriend over when he's not even your ex yet because you can't talk things through together, am I right? 1
Halcyon Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 You are both children and need to grow up. This is not how a healthy relationship works at all. Healthy relationships are based on trust, commitment, friendship, respect, openness in communication. This relationship as you said is toxic. You are both more concerned about fighting for power, petty mind games, disrespectful to each other. I'm always wary when people describe their relationships as "amazing and perfect" because they never are and are usually dysfunctional as they can come. You should really just break up with him and take a good hard look at yourself and what you can learn from this relationship to not make the same mistakes again. He clearly needs to work on himself as well but you can't change that, you can only change yourself.
Author TheStylist Posted December 16, 2014 Author Posted December 16, 2014 By "this" immaturity, you're talking about how you're trying to play games to win your ex boyfriend over when he's not even your ex yet because you can't talk things through together, am I right? No. What I meant by immaturity is his inability to communicate like an adult. Why argue on text when we can talk on the phone or see each other and discuss everthing in person? Our "fight" is usally small and nonsense but he always drain me with his angry text. That is why I didn't continue reading the book anymore because I don't want to play games with him. I was too tired, confused and irrational that I bought the book in kindle (on a whim) because I didn't know what to do anymore. I do hope you guys understand that my mind right now is lost and I am too crushed from mixed up emotions.
Author TheStylist Posted December 16, 2014 Author Posted December 16, 2014 You are both children and need to grow up. This is not how a healthy relationship works at all. Healthy relationships are based on trust, commitment, friendship, respect, openness in communication. This relationship as you said is toxic. You are both more concerned about fighting for power, petty mind games, disrespectful to each other. I'm always wary when people describe their relationships as "amazing and perfect" because they never are and are usually dysfunctional as they can come. You should really just break up with him and take a good hard look at yourself and what you can learn from this relationship to not make the same mistakes again. He clearly needs to work on himself as well but you can't change that, you can only change yourself. I totally agree with you. Maybe I will just have to continue doing NC. After all, what's the difference of telling him (that I am breaking up with him) on text when he even refused to answer my calls and communicate properly. I can't allow him to disrespect me any further. If he really wants this relationship so bad, he will man up and talk to me like a man. Not some coward who hides in text.
Ducktape Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 I totally agree with you. Maybe I will just have to continue doing NC. After all, what's the difference of telling him (that I am breaking up with him) on text when he even refused to answer my calls and communicate properly. I can't allow him to disrespect me any further. If he really wants this relationship so bad, he will man up and talk to me like a man. Not some coward who hides in text. Do the break up. You'll regret it. He may be a coward who "hides" in text, but you'd be the coward who ran away without saying anything, that's even worse. It's a tricky situation, because obviously we only have one side of the story. But even then, you don't come out as the better half there. Believe me, you'll thank yourself later to have finalized the relationship instead of just running away. It's not because you feel someone wronged you that you gotta pay it back the same way. Choose the high road, and live a good life with no regrets.
Halcyon Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 I totally agree with you. Maybe I will just have to continue doing NC. After all, what's the difference of telling him (that I am breaking up with him) on text when he even refused to answer my calls and communicate properly. I can't allow him to disrespect me any further. If he really wants this relationship so bad, he will man up and talk to me like a man. Not some coward who hides in text. Because that is childish. It seems both are you are more concerned about having the last kick in what is a broken relationship. That is petty, so very petty. End it and be done with it. I'm not condoning his behaviour not at all it's ****ty but your behaviour is no better. At least leave this relationship with your head held high in that you finished it right not trying to play stupid mind games. 1
Author TheStylist Posted December 16, 2014 Author Posted December 16, 2014 Do the break up. You'll regret it. He may be a coward who "hides" in text, but you'd be the coward who ran away without saying anything, that's even worse. It's a tricky situation, because obviously we only have one side of the story. But even then, you don't come out as the better half there. Believe me, you'll thank yourself later to have finalized the relationship instead of just running away. It's not because you feel someone wronged you that you gotta pay it back the same way. Choose the high road, and live a good life with no regrets. Yes, very true. But I just can't do the "formal" break up right now since he is still in the hospital. Maybe I should wait for him to calm down and when he is ready to talk not text. I will just have to wait for his call. If he wont call or reach out for a week, then I take it as over. We are both so broken and I can't handle his way of communicating(text) anymore.
Halcyon Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Yes, very true. But I just can't do the "formal" break up right now since he is still in the hospital. Maybe I should wait for him to calm down and when he is ready to talk not text. I will just have to wait for his call. If he wont call or reach out for a week, then I take it as over. We are both so broken and I can't handle his way of communicating(text) anymore. Just because he is in hospital doesn't give him a free pass to be an *******. You are just making excuses now. Of course you can break up with him, if he's refusing to talk to you like an adult then it's fine to break up with him over text, he has left you no other means of communication. Just be honest you are making excuses at this point to play your mind games to "try and win him back" sorry this bird has flown the coop, there is nothing worth saving here.
loversquarrel Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I am about to give the greatest answer the world has ever known on how to win your ex back... and I'll do it for free... Just sit around and wait until they have decided to be with you, because everything else is just a waste of time. 1
loversquarrel Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 Now for my serious post. Neither one of you is mature enough to handle a serious adult relationship. If either one of you was mature this relationship would be over and not missed (at least not by the mature party). All I see is a petty game of one-ups-manship. There is no respect in this and no maturity. Text book dysfunction and crazy making. 1
hoping2heal Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 I think if you have to manipulate someone into being in a relationship with you then that is your first clue it is not the right relationship for you. You said yourself your relationship had become toxic and that is why you needed to bow out; well, playing a bunch of mind games is not going to eliminate the toxicity it will only exacerbate it.
Author TheStylist Posted December 17, 2014 Author Posted December 17, 2014 No. I am not playing mind games here just to manipulate to get him back. I was desperate to save our relationship that is why I purchased that book. Realizing that it wasn't I expected it to be, I stopped reading it. The last text I sent to him last Sunday night was telling him that I had enough and I will never bother him after that and said goodbye. To which he responded and ridiculed me to get lost. I woke up the next day, feeling heavy and lost, I texted him again for the last time saying that I wish he will just talk to me properly (because I hate texting when it comes to settling problems). He replied after 6 hours, the same nonsense blah blah. I couldn't even read it all. That is why I decided to just do the NC instead of replying more. I couldn't handle another disrespectful text from him anymore. Doing NC is so hard on my part. I wanted to reach out to him so badly. But I can't force him if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I think it is so obvious, he wants it over. I just can't bring myself to send me another one last break up text and only to get a ridiculed hurtful response.
Halcyon Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 (edited) So why are you desperate to save this relationship again? Really why? This person is obviously bad for you and doesn't care about you. I still think you are both incredibly immature this reminds me of teenage drama, maybe you both thrive off this... Your use of NC for the purpose of trying to win someone back is manipulation. Proper NC is to get the person out of your system so you can move on, you however have admitted you are using it for the purposes of manipulation trying to "win him back". Let's not forget the fact you haven't even bloody broken up with him which is childish in itself. Edited December 17, 2014 by Halcyon
Author TheStylist Posted December 17, 2014 Author Posted December 17, 2014 (edited) That is why I am doing NC because that is the right thing to do and avoid to get hurt more (not to manipulate him back) I can't handle more negativity in my life. He is the biggest source of my stress. Now, if I said I wanted to save this relationship, who doesn't? People who are in love are crazy and erratic. I am doing NC to clear my mind off from all these madness. I need to emotionally detach myself first so I can think properly. And yes, you are so right and it hit me. Why would I want this relationship so bad when it's only making me less of a person? I did ask that to myself several times. But I refused to face reality. I was in denial. I am hoping NC will strengthen me to accept the fact that this is a wasted relationship. It is so hard to disappear when you are still so emotionally attached with the person. He is really sweet when he is not mad. But he turned into a different person when he is angry. Saying hurtful things to me til I broke down. Edited December 17, 2014 by TheStylist
Halcyon Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 Well each to their own I always end a relationship if things can't be reconciled. Because even if things can't work out between us I at least have the decency to end things one way or another, not leaving someone in limbo. It is also I believe a large part of the healing process, it finalises things and shows you are serious. Then again you both don't seem to want to show each other respect so that's between you two. He is not a sweet person, he is a person with anger issues.
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