Being an alpha male vs being an abusive jerk

[oldshirt]

First is a commitment to achievement and quality.

 

 

Strive to be the best that you can possibly be. Risk. Fail. Learn. Seek out leaders as mentors.

 

All the woman stuff comes later. That's incidental.

 

Second is value others. A leader without a team is nothing. Yes, select who to invest in and select carefully. There are those who follow and those who lead. Understanding the nuances of that dynamic is important in a leader. Build people up. Nearly everyone relishes being valued and respected. A good leader does both.

 

Then go back to number one and work some more.

 

Women are a by-product, not the end game. The same qualities which make a successful leader attract women who value and respect leadership. Opportunities will arise and relationships can happen.

 

If you find the violence of your childhood to be constantly tugging at your elbow and interfering with your goals, engage professional help to give you the tools to conquer the psychological challenge. Yep, it sucked. It was unhealthy and wrong. Learning to accept what cannot be changed is part of being an effective leader. Figure it out, accept it, move on.

 

 

 

Yes to all of the above.

 

 

Especially the notes about women being the by product and not the end-game. When a man becomes competent, established, self-actualized, successful, confident and a leader of men, the women will just naturally follow.

 

 

If you are striving to get a woman and hoping that that will fulfill your life, you are doing it backwards.

[AVarma]

 

He rarely talks about emotions. Most people would categorize him as stoic but I know he feels. He just doesn't share. That's OK. It's who he is.

 

I don't really share either. I guess it's because I witnessed a lot of emotional blackmail growing up, from my dad and unfortunately even my mom, that it makes me extremely uncomfortable. There is really no way I could talk about the things I talk about on this forum in real life. The fact that it's anonymous is half the reason I can talk about it here. I've always considered this a flaw however, something I had to overcome.

 

If you don't mind me asking, your DH doesn't show any emotion, is that something you prefer or had to get used to? What I'm asking is if he showed more emotion would lose respect or be less attracted to him?

[AVarma]

 

That being said, OP, there is a big difference between 'being afraid of physical confrontation', as you say you are, and avoiding violence wherever possible. Let's put it this way - you're with your girl and all of a sudden, a gang comes up and tells you to step aside so they can gang rape her. Are you going to leave her there to fend for herself and take off? Or are you going to do whatever you have to do to protect her?

 

 

To be fair this example is a little bit extreme. Even tough hard headed guys would struggle in that situation. Frankly in this situation the guy would probably end up dead and the woman raped and probably killed as well.

 

A better example would be if somebody disrespected her at a party. Yes I would speak up but frankly if it got physical I would probably get scared. I know that sounds so pathetic but unfortunately I've developed a phobia toward physical violence.

[trippi1432]

I was born and raised in an abusive home. My father regularly slapped around and beat my mother for the most ridiculous of reasons. Unfortunately I sometimes faced his wrath as well. The abuse was not only physical but verbal as well. I tried to be different as a man by being a good guy but I often find that women think I'm a nice guy and not the guy they want to date. Men tell me I'm a wuss. A girl I was dating just left me to go back to her ex-boyfriend and I basically did nothing. Indeed I was afraid of physical confrontation as a young man and still am. So how does one square this? How does one be an alpha male, an "in charge" type of male without being abusive and controlling?

 

 

If I may make a suggestion, dealing with your own identity based on your childhood is a good start, you know what you don't want to be. Aside from nice guy/bad guy (a stigma these days for guys) confidence in yourself is what you need to seek.

 

 

I'm going to suggest a book that is a bit different, it's not a relationship book based on how to get a woman to love you or keep her, but based on looking at how you interact with people in general. In life, you can be a Leader or a Diminisher. It's not defined as "good guy/bad guy"....that's a game you play with children pitting parent against parent (and the wrong way to parent). Leaders.....confident men (and women).....simply lead.

 

 

They put the right people in their lives, they create "win-win" situations by recognizing the value in others, they grow that value, by growing themselves, and understanding what motivates people. And they are honest with themselves, they are grounded because they don't fear what other people think, you have to be a leader in your own life to know how to "lead" others.

 

 

Being able to tell a woman no...is hardly the problem. If you ever, in a love life, have to tell a woman (or a man) no, you seriously need to re-evaluate the relationship.

 

 

At any rate, the book I suggest is called Multipliers...How the best leaders make everyone smarter. Look it up because confidence isn't about getting women to love you...or how to limit you....it's about knowing yourself.

[AVarma]

If I may make a suggestion, dealing with your own identity based on your childhood is a good start, you know what you don't want to be. Aside from nice guy/bad guy (a stigma these days for guys) confidence in yourself is what you need to seek.

 

 

I'm going to suggest a book that is a bit different, it's not a relationship book based on how to get a woman to love you or keep her, but based on looking at how you interact with people in general. In life, you can be a Leader or a Diminisher. It's not defined as "good guy/bad guy"....that's a game you play with children pitting parent against parent (and the wrong way to parent). Leaders.....confident men (and women).....simply lead.

 

 

They put the right people in their lives, they create "win-win" situations by recognizing the value in others, they grow that value, by growing themselves, and understanding what motivates people. And they are honest with themselves, they are grounded because they don't fear what other people think, you have to be a leader in your own life to know how to "lead" others.

 

 

Being able to tell a woman no...is hardly the problem. If you ever, in a love life, have to tell a woman (or a man) no, you seriously need to re-evaluate the relationship.

 

 

At any rate, the book I suggest is called Multipliers...How the best leaders make everyone smarter. Look it up because confidence isn't about getting women to love you...or how to limit you....it's about knowing yourself.

 

I'll check out the book.