Being an alpha male vs being an abusive jerk

[AVarma]

I was born and raised in an abusive home. My father regularly slapped around and beat my mother for the most ridiculous of reasons. Unfortunately I sometimes faced his wrath as well. The abuse was not only physical but verbal as well. I tried to be different as a man by being a good guy but I often find that women think I'm a nice guy and not the guy they want to date. Men tell me I'm a wuss. A girl I was dating just left me to go back to her ex-boyfriend and I basically did nothing. Indeed I was afraid of physical confrontation as a young man and still am. So how does one square this? How does one be an alpha male, an "in charge" type of male without being abusive and controlling?

[KatZee]

An Alpha Male is a confident man. A man not afraid of putting a woman in her place and standing up for himself if she's getting out of hand (ie: treating him poorly, verbally attacking him, catching an attitude for no reason). A man who takes initiative in situations (ie: planning a date, calling over the waiter, holding the woman's hand and leading her. A man who comes across as fearless even if he's not. Standing up for his convictions. A man who knows how to treat a woman, with respect, but still knows how to toss her around and pull her hair in the bedroom. An alpha male won't allow himself to be a doormat, and he won't always say "yes" to the woman. He will tell her "no" on occasion and she will LOVE him and respect him that much more for doing that.

 

An abusive jerk isn't an alpha male. He's insecure. He's a coward. He thinks the only way to have any upper hand is to exert control and instill fear into his victim.

[Redhead14]

I was born and raised in an abusive home. My father regularly slapped around and beat my mother for the most ridiculous of reasons. Unfortunately I sometimes faced his wrath as well. The abuse was not only physical but verbal as well. I tried to be different as a man by being a good guy but I often find that women think I'm a nice guy and not the guy they want to date. Men tell me I'm a wuss. A girl I was dating just left me to go back to her ex-boyfriend and I basically did nothing. Indeed I was afraid of physical confrontation as a young man and still am. So how does one square this? How does one be an alpha male, an "in charge" type of male without being abusive and controlling?

 

You don't want to be an alpha male what you want to be is confident. An alpha male is actually the trait of a young man who is/wants to be the leader of the pack, is cocky and loud and overbearing. When a man is successful and in his thirties he no longer acts this way because he has grown up and realized that the entire alpha male act is phony. When was the last time you saw a rich, successful man try to pick a fight??? Never. The only guys that do this are the losers that go to bars to take their anger out because they are angry inside for going nowhere in life.

 

What you want to be is a caring, respectful, confident man who knows what he wants/likes/needs and is respectful of those qualities in a woman. What you want to be is confident. This comes from within. Since you have been abused, your ego and confidence have been squashed. You need to look at your entire life as it is now and whether or not you are happy with being you and with what you have and do. When you are comfortable with yourself and your life, the confidence will come. If you have a lot going for you now, focus on those things that make you happiest and proud. The rest will come naturally.

[OMC]

There's a fine line between dominant and domineering. Dominance comes from confidence in yourself, you abilitities and what you have to offer anyone you interact with. Domineering comes from lack of confidence and the need to manipulate situations and others to their advantage.

[Gaeta]

Why would you want to be an alpha male? Alpha male term is often misused. An alpha male is all about ego boost and personal gain. He is more about making a statement in front of his buddies then actually being in an equal partnership with a woman. An alpha male is arrogant and dominating. Without his surrounding the Alpha male is nothing.

 

Look up Omega male.

 

You are who you are, you cannot change your true nature. You have to become the best you can be with what was given to you. There is a someone for everyone. When I was young and inexperienced I found alpha male attractive, now I can't stand them.

[OMC]

'An alpha male is all about ego boost and personal gain. He is more about making a statement in front of his buddies then actually being in an equal partnership with a woman. An alpha male is arrogant and dominating. Without his surrounding the Alpha male is nothing. '

 

 

No... that's an *******.

[Danda]

Aggression, competitiveness, leadership/take-charge attitudes etc are not good or bad. The character and personality of the man is what matters.

 

If he is a good guy, he will compete in a dignified and respectful manner to better himself, display aggression when protecting those weaker than himself and take charge in order to provide guidance and safety in otherwise chaotic situations. When he goes into pursuit of a woman, he's aggressive and confident in attitude but respectful and playful in action.

 

If he is a bad guy, he will compete ruthlessly to stroke his own ego and keep others beneath him, he will display aggression to get his way and punish others for his own emotional dysfunctions, he takes charge for the sake of control. When he pursues a woman, he does so with a selfish, predatory mentality with total disregard for the woman's experiences.

 

Then you have the 'beta' stuff (for lack of more commonly used terminology).

 

A bad beta guy will be very passive-aggressive. He's the same as the bad alpha guy, only he's cowardly.

 

A good beta guy will generally be sweet, romantic and respectful just like a good alpha guy, but he won't have the confidence to display any primal masculinity, which will leave the women he likes feeling more like they've just made a very good galpal who happens to have a penis.

 

However some good beta guys go well with certain women, usually women who for past reasons might be intimidated by alpha males, even the really good-hearted and level-headed ones. These women might feel more comfortable in a pursuer role, or simply just safer and more relaxed with sweet-hearted 'beta' males.

 

So as long as you're a good, sweet person at your core, there will be women for you, don't worry. But if you're doing OLD and thus dating women who respond quickly and positively to being aggressively pursued online, then you might be going on dates with women who respond strongly to good alpha males.

 

If you're a good-hearted beta persona, then you might do a lot better in quieter, in-person places like coffee shops, libraries, etc.

[Frank2thepoint]

So how does one square this? How does one be an alpha male, an "in charge" type of male without being abusive and controlling?

 

I understand what you have gone through. My father was also abusive to my mother and I. An old school European that only knew control. I hated him for it. I vowed never to become him. Since I didn't have a real father figure I had to find me own way, my own masculinity. I also was very shy when I was younger, especially around girls. So I decided to serve in the military, and through it I discovered my confidence. Since then I've always tried to grow, be a better person, and a man. It's not easy, but having confidence in oneself is very important. Looking and staying positive also helps reinforce that confidence.

 

I recommend for you to find something challenging for yourself, to work on overcoming it, so you can find your inner strength, your confidence in yourself and your abilities. It can be anything you feel like, such as traveling on your own, martial arts, building something, or whatever. The goal is to focus on yourself, break out of your shell, and not be afraid to stand your ground.

 

 

 

Alpha males are men that look for external validation that they are "leaders". They need other men, and definitely women, to fawn upon them, stroke their egos, to make them feel good about themselves. They actually have no confidence. As soon as that attention disappears, alpha males break down, get angry, and lash out for regaining dominance.

 

I like that Gaeta mentioned the Omega male. I don't like categorizing people, but for simplicity, it helps in conveying an explanation. An omega male is the opposite, but on the same side of the coin, as an alpha male. Omega males are confident individuals, that don't need external validation. They have strength of character, do not focus on superficiality, and are often the unsung heroes. They are comfortable with their own abilities and learn from mistakes (their own and others).

 

 

Why would you want to be an alpha male? Alpha male term is often misused. An alpha male is all about ego boost and personal gain. He is more about making a statement in front of his buddies then actually being in an equal partnership with a woman. An alpha male is arrogant and dominating. Without his surrounding the Alpha male is nothing.

 

Look up Omega male.

[AVarma]

Where does sharing emotions fall into this? My father would often share his emotions but usually to emotionally blackmail people. I myself often avoid sharing my feelings with women to avoid looking weak. So how much of your feelings/insecurities should you share with a woman? Does it make you look less confident if you do?

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to just share the weak emotions. Tell somebody when you are happy. Tell somebody when you are proud of yourself. Work your way up to the scarier vulnerable emotions after you know you can trust the person.

 

You want to be the guy who is confident in his own skin. You get other people to follow you because they want to not because you forced them.

 

Make decisions. Don't always says yes dear.

 

Many people mistake acquiescence for lack of confidence. My husband is a Marine veteran who is fully capable of taking care of himself & expressing his opinions. Yet I run our social calendar because he simply doesn't want to. He's perfectly happy to let me run off & make plans, then tell him what we're doing. 95 times out of 100 he just does along with whatever I organized but sometimes he just says no. Then I either leave him to his own devices or I go along with what he wants.

 

He rarely talks about emotions. Most people would categorize him as stoic but I know he feels. He just doesn't share. That's OK. It's who he is.

[Frank2thepoint]

Where does sharing emotions fall into this? My father would often share his emotions but usually to emotionally blackmail people. I myself often avoid sharing my feelings with women to avoid looking weak. So how much of your feelings/insecurities should you share with a woman? Does it make you look less confident if you do?

 

I used to be afraid of showing even a minutiae amount of emotions because many people would coil away, or wouldn't know exactly how to handle my emotions, and their own as well. It is a sad state of affairs that men are expected to be completely stoic, and not encouraged to express themselves in times of need. The thing is, I do have emotions. So I can't deny this, it is part of me. Over the years I just became more comfortable with expressing myself.

 

Now I do not mean being effusive and whiny. I mean when something troubles you, you say that it makes you angry, upset, sad, and/or hurt. Many people do not expect a man to even say such a thing, so those people are surprised. Some are delightful surprised and appreciate it, others don't. As with everything else, people will always have a gamut of reactions to various stimuli. The people that react poorly, or don't know how to react, are the ones you need to avoid. They are emotional voids that do not even have command over their own emotions.

 

So if someone says something disrespectful to you, don't do the typical savage reaction (aka alpha male reaction) by starting an argument because you feel your dominance is being questioned. Just say that you do not appreciate what was said, and it was hurtful. Some people will call you a wimp, or devalue your emotions. Those you should not even waste a breath on arguing with. Just walk away from them. Others will appreciate your honesty, your assertiveness, and apologize. Those you can actually have a discussion with.

[AVarma]

 

So if someone says something disrespectful to you, don't do the typical savage reaction (aka alpha male reaction) by starting an argument because you feel your dominance is being questioned.

 

This is the most difficult part for me. I've always thought the "manly" reaction to these situations is to punch someone or yell at them. I even considered taking some boxing classes to "toughen up". But I guess people who end up in those situations are themselves disturbed.

[preraph]

Alpha males aren't overly aggressive. Let's take cats for example. The alpha cat is usually really laid back and calm. He's so stable that to stir him up, it takes working his very last nerve. My sister had a good old alpha tom cat. Got a new kitten. Kitten had a box with holes to jump out of and stick its paw out swiping at everybody. The other 3 cats in the household's eyes were wide with wonder and disgust at the kitten's craziness. The old tom just sat there. The kitten didn't know when to stop. The kitten got all over the alpha, on top of him, in front of him waving its arms. It was relentless. After about 20 minutes of this, the old tom just picked one of it's forepaws up and thunked it down on top of the kittens head, holding him down calmly. The kitten's eyes got real big realizing the power behind the paw and, once allowed to get back up, skittered off sideways wide-eyed.

 

There's a difference between displays of physical aggressiveness and being the alpha. The most aggressive stallion in a herd will be the young upstart trying to horn in on the head stallion's mares. Alphas come from a position of confidence and power and don't just go around whipping it up for no reason.

 

Abusive people are out-of-control weak people with mountains of insecurity and fear. They are the opposite of alphas. They are the bully that doesn't know what's appropriate and can't control himself because of a sorry upbringing. Abusive people tear other people down verbally and physically to make them temporarily feel superior. Deep down, they know they are not, but it gives them a quick fleeting shot of feeling better, and then they take a dive again.

 

In regards to your girlfriend -- you can't control other people. Going after someone like that only works ever in the movies. Once she has decided that's what she's going to do, there is no way to change that. You can't control her mind or her body. You have to get to a place where you can accept that even when you sometimes think someone is right for you or you're happy with them, they simply don't have the same needs as you and may not be happy and just come to realize you're not the one. It's another part of life that happens to all of us, and it does suck. Please don't ever think forcing a woman to do ANYTHING is the thing to do. Let them go if they want to go. Leave the door open. The one who stays of her own accord is going to be much better for and with you than the one you have to monitor and force to stay.

[Jules Dash]

This is the most difficult part for me. I've always thought the "manly" reaction to these situations is to punch someone or yell at them. I even considered taking some boxing classes to "toughen up". But I guess people who end up in those situations are themselves disturbed.

 

 

Being a "man" is a lot more than how you react to things. It's a lot more than how you deal with women or react around women.

 

A woman I am dating recently called me "hyper masculine." This woman is viewed as a feminist and is quite political in this regard. I asked her why she thinks I am this way and she gave me a list of reasons why but none of them had to do with how I deal with her. I treat her very well, in fact. I even open car doors for her and treat her like a gentleman should. So I think it has to do a lot about about being comfortable with who you are, confident and showing emotional strength.

[shet]

The entire concept of "alpha" etc is bull**** predicated on bad science - not only is human use of it a flawed construct, but the principle it's stolen from is both wrong (animal social structures have been proven to only have alpha dynamics in the psychological distress of captivity, not in the wild, and even in captivity there are questions regarding observer effects and objectivity) and wrongly applied (humans are not pack animals and our tribal sensibilities have long since evolved to a broader, more social form than other primate relatives). Unfortunately it's become pervasive, through uninformed mass consumption of what amounts to armchair psychology.

 

It's a modern incarnation of unreformed, nonprogressive patriarchy, a social enforcement of gender roles that hurts both men and women. Everyone who uses the language or supports it or thinks in such terms needs to sit the **** down and re-evaluate their personality and their lives.

 

That goes for everyone in this thread who's attempted to talk about it - you'll notice already there are arguments and hand waving over definitions, why might that be.

[Els]

I personally believe the entire alpha/beta/omega/mu/kappa crap is a load of nonsense.

 

That being said, OP, there is a big difference between 'being afraid of physical confrontation', as you say you are, and avoiding violence wherever possible. Let's put it this way - you're with your girl and all of a sudden, a gang comes up and tells you to step aside so they can gang rape her. Are you going to leave her there to fend for herself and take off? Or are you going to do whatever you have to do to protect her?

 

Avoiding violence and trying to settle things peacefully is good in general, and obviously you should never be violent towards your family and partner. But there are potential situations where you will need to fight, in self defense.

[oldshirt]

there are things that people find stimulating and arousing ( ie alpha).

 

 

things that people find comforting and build rapport (ie beta)

 

 

and things that people find a turn off (ie lame)

 

 

Traits/characteristics and behaviors that people find a sexual turn on are things like sharp dress, styling and fitness. competence in the things they do. Confidence in how they interact with others. Leadership qualities like being able to coordinate and manage the activities of others. Assertiveness. not allowing oneself to be pushed around, manipulated or disrespected. Courage and willing to take calculated risks. eye contact. Initiating conversation. Flirting. making future plans and following through with them. initiating dates and making plans and activities for the dates. initiating physical contact and sexual advances etc etc

 

 

 

 

The problem with those behaviors and traits is that while they can generate sexual attraction, they can also generate discomfort and anxiety and there for at times need to be counter balanced by traits and behaviors that provide comfort and rapport (ie beta) Those are things like being respectful of others feelings. Not being abusive or obnoxious. not using pressure or duress to get what you want. being personable and interactive. putting advances on hold if someone gets uncomfortable and pulls back etc etc etc

 

 

And then there are things that are a turn off and a disqualifier. Those are things like -

 

 

- unkempt, ungroomed, unhygienic appearance. Crude, obnoxious, abusive or aggressive/threatening behavior, any sign of weakness, ineptness or of being pushed around, manipulated or disrespected. Incompetence. laziness. insecurity. Meanness. Lack of general concern for fellow human beings etc etc

 

 

 

 

Where things get difficult to decipher is one persons confidence is another person's arrogance. What one person sees as assertive and showing initiative, another person sees as being obnoxious.

 

 

Another problem is people on the internet often misrepresent what 'Beta' actually is and use it as a euphemism for weakness. Beta is not weakness in and of itself. Beta is a necessary characteristic and set of behaviors that is critical to maintain a relationship. What people often think of as beta is actually not really beta but rather a lack of alpha.

 

 

You must have a certain degree of alpha characteristics and behaviors to garner sexual attraction. Beta makes people comfortable and establishes rapport but it does not stimulate, arouse or attract. a person who lacks alpha is not necessarily weak or spineless but may appear to be so without enough alpha traits to counter balance them.

 

 

And alpha is not obnoxious or being a jerk, but if someone displays alpha traits and characteristics but does not counterbalance that with beta traits and behaviors they may appear to be an obnoxious, aggressive jerk.

 

 

Alpha and beta are like dials on a radio. if you are getting friendzoned and have "friends" but are unable to get dates or any sexual activity, then you need to maintain the beta but turn up the alpha.

 

 

If you are getting one-night hook ups from the bar but are unable to keep an actual girlfriend or relationship and chicks accuse you of being an ass, then you need to keep the alpha but turn up the beta.

 

 

If you have no female friends and no sexual interest from women, then you need to look at the lame traits and characteristics and eliminate the turn offs and turn up both the alpha and beta.

[bachdude]

I was born and raised in an abusive home. My father regularly slapped around and beat my mother for the most ridiculous of reasons. Unfortunately I sometimes faced his wrath as well. The abuse was not only physical but verbal as well. I tried to be different as a man by being a good guy but I often find that women think I'm a nice guy and not the guy they want to date. Men tell me I'm a wuss. A girl I was dating just left me to go back to her ex-boyfriend and I basically did nothing. Indeed I was afraid of physical confrontation as a young man and still am. So how does one square this? How does one be an alpha male, an "in charge" type of male without being abusive and controlling?

 

I wouldn't worry too much about being Alpha male per se.

 

The question is, who do you want to be? Not what woman you date want you to be, not what other guys think you should be, but who do you want to be?

 

I would give that some thought.

[nofeelings22]

I personally believe the entire alpha/beta/omega/mu/kappa crap is a load of nonsense.

 

That being said, OP, there is a big difference between 'being afraid of physical confrontation', as you say you are, and avoiding violence wherever possible. Let's put it this way - you're with your girl and all of a sudden, a gang comes up and tells you to step aside so they can gang rape her. Are you going to leave her there to fend for herself and take off? Or are you going to do whatever you have to do to protect her?

 

Avoiding violence and trying to settle things peacefully is good in general, and obviously you should never be violent towards your family and partner. But there are potential situations where you will need to fight, in self defense.

 

I grew up the same as the OP and chose the overly nice guy route as well to make up for it. To rebel. To be the opposite of my step dad. I was also scared to death of fighting because of all the physical abuse from a huge guy when I was a kid. I had some altercations in high school and got some confidence.

 

Lost the overly nice guy thing many years ago, but still have physical violence problems.

 

Now, I have a different fear. I fear that if someone starts something with me physically, I'll wind up in jail. I will NOT stop. I would stab or beat a guy with an object for bringing violence to me or those I care about. I'd have zero problems actually killing an intruder. Wouldn't think twice. This is pretty unhealthy and had never been an issue, as I avoid these situations, but I think they stem from the abuse as a child. I do not value men at all. There are none in my life except family and some employees. If one is agressive, I just wouldn't know when or how to stop.

 

If the gang rape scenario comes up, I'm killing as many of them as i can, not fighting. Is that wrong?

 

Funny there have been 2 threads lately that touch on my 2 deepest personality defects.

 

OP: Do you feel this way as well?

[Els]

I grew up the same as the OP and chose the overly nice guy route as well to make up for it. To rebel. To be the opposite of my step dad. I was also scared to death of fighting because of all the physical abuse from a huge guy when I was a kid. I had some altercations in high school and got some confidence.

 

Lost the overly nice guy thing many years ago, but still have physical violence problems.

 

Now, I have a different fear. I fear that if someone starts something with me physically, I'll wind up in jail. I will NOT stop. I would stab or beat a guy with an object for bringing violence to me or those I care about. I'd have zero problems actually killing an intruder. Wouldn't think twice. This is pretty unhealthy and had never been an issue, as I avoid these situations, but I think they stem from the abuse as a child. I do not value men at all. There are none in my life except family and some employees. If one is agressive, I just wouldn't know when or how to stop.

 

If the gang rape scenario comes up, I'm killing as many of them as i can, not fighting. Is that wrong?

 

I wouldn't consider violence against someone who was clearly trying to harm you and your loved ones, as 'wrong'. But the part where you don't value men and have none in your life, that does strike me as concerning.

[oldshirt]

I was born and raised in an abusive home. My father regularly slapped around and beat my mother for the most ridiculous of reasons. Unfortunately I sometimes faced his wrath as well.

 

 

. I tried to be different as a man by being a good guy but I often find that women think I'm a nice guy and not the guy they want to date.

 

 

Men tell me I'm a wuss.

 

 

A girl I was dating just left me to go back to her ex-boyfriend and I basically did nothing. Indeed I was afraid of physical confrontation as a young man and still am.

 

 

 

 

 

I want to address these issues above a little further. I think your blindspot here and the thing that is holding you back is your fear and intimidation of other men and how you relate to and are viewed by other men.

 

 

There are some extremely key factors and dynamics taking place here.

 

 

Women cannot desire men they do not respect and admire. No respect = no tingling in the jay-jay. it is that simple.

 

 

A huge part of a woman's respect and admiration (or lack there of) for a man comes from how other men view him, respond to him and interact with him.

 

 

If other men respect and admire him and have confidence in him, women will too.

 

 

If other men intimidate him, push him around, disrespect him and think he is a wuss, women will not respect/admire him and thusly will not desire him.

 

 

How you view other men and how you relate to other men and how deal with other men has been damaged by the abuse you took from your father.

 

 

As a young child you learned to avoid abuse from your father by submitting to him and trying to appease him by being "nice." (I'm not knocking you by the way, you did what you had to to survive as a defenseless child)

 

 

as you grew up avoiding and submitting to other men you have grown to become viewed as weak and submissive to other men and thought of as a wuss. as men view you that, women do too and women are genetically programed to not want to reproduce with weak males.

 

 

do to your abuse and the survival strategy you took as a child, you have grown up not developing functional conflict resolution skills with other men. Your conflict resolution consists of either violence or capitulation. and since violence is illegal in which you could end up in prison or dead in a civilized society, you have chosen capitulation as a lifestyle coping mechanism.

 

 

You may be viewed as "nice" but you are also viewed as weak and ineffective and impotent and thus women are not sexually attracted to you. They don't even know why and would not be able to define it to you themselves....they just aren't.

 

 

As your coping mechanism with normal male dominance pathways has been damaged by your childhood abuse, I recommend therapy. A therapist will be able to work with you and help you develop affective coping strategies for dealing with male dominance issues and conflict resolution skills.

 

 

A therapist will be able to work with you on assertiveness and self-esteem and personal confidence as well as also working with you to develop effective interpersonal skills with women.

 

 

This isn't a simple Alpha vs beta thing for you. You have been damaged through abuse and therefor therapy will be your most effective avenue for success for not only dating/relationships but all areas of your life.

 

 

Help for you is not on a website or in a Pick Up Artist manual but in legitimate professional therapy for childhood abuse survivors.

[AVarma]

Later in life OP you will find out it does not matter if you are a good guy or not. I have a question for you. When was the last time you witness a total loser/jerk single? I can not speak for you or for anybody els on this thread,but i have yet to see a total loser/jerk single. There are plenty of women that will date these winners way before a good guy. Nice does not cut it in this world. Nice will bring nothing but users, Then once these women use you they will drop you like a hot potatoe and on to MR. Jerk..

 

Jesus......

[AVarma]

 

Avoiding violence and trying to settle things peacefully is good in general, and obviously you should never be violent towards your family and partner. But there are potential situations where you will need to fight, in self defense.

 

I agree with you and it's one of my deficiencies. Unfortunately I've always associated violence with my father. It's why I've wanted to take boxing classes and also buy a gun and getting training to learn how to use it. Self-defense can be difficult.

Edited December 17, 2014 by AVarma

[GravityMan]

I too am not a fan of terms like "alpha", "beta", "omega", etc. when applied to human beings. People are too dynamic and complex for such silly pigeonholing. But for purposes of this thread I'll use 'em.

 

First of all, those terms have little to do with gender. The qualities that make up such terms apply equally to both men and women.

 

"Alphas" (or "omegas" I suppose) aren't necessarily the most aggressive or the most educated or the loudest or the "thump your chest" types. Many such people are actually a bit on the quiet side and aren't the life of the party. Five things readily jump out to me when I notice such people: confidence, stability, composure, assertiveness and inner peace. This is a person who is completely comfortable with who he is and what he believes in. Very little fazes him. He understands and is OK with the fact that he doesn't know everything and will sometimes make mistakes and have flawed opinions. When he is wrong, he doesn't feel slighted...he doesn't beat himself up, takes corrective or mitigating action (if needed) and then moves on and jumps right back into the fray. He appreciates constructive criticism. There is no ego.

 

This person does not go out of his way to seek attention, but when the situation calls for him (or her) to take center stage and take charge, he will do so without hesitation. Not because he relishes being "the man", but simply because it's the right and necessary thing to do. He also knows when to step back & let others (or his significant other) be front-and-center. And he knows when to ask for help from those more qualified, when to teach/train/coach, and when to delegate. It's not about him. Again I point to the lack of ego. This is one reason why such people tend to be good leaders.

 

"Alphas" may be on the quiet side, but they are not shy or awkward. They are doers. They let their actions and results speak for them. They go after what they want but also know when to back off. If they see someone in distress then they'll try to help in some appropriate way while still staying within their limits of expertise. If they see someone feeling down then they may use their sense of humor to lift that person up. They are invulnerable to the bystander effect.

 

They are the type of people who will have your back in times of need and will protect those who are weaker and vulnerable. Not just those dear to him...others too. The gang example mentioned earlier is a good one. Ideally they want to resolve conflicts peacefully, but sometimes they have no choice but to get their hands dirty.

 

They tend to be inspirational...they inspire confidence in others. They are usually street-smart. They do not worry about things they cannot control.

 

Their body language is open, they are not unsettled by periods of silence or inaction, their actions and movements are usually unhurried, measured and steady. And they don't look like they are "managing" their body.

 

Notice how other people (women, men, kids, etc.) act and carry themselves around so-called alphas. Those other people, even those that don't know the alpha guy well, usually feel very comfortable and safe around him. This is where stability comes in. Alphas are the type of people where others feel comfortable talking to them about almost anything. Including sharing strong and/or controversial opinions that differ from the alpha's stance. They instinctively know that he isn't going to ridicule, belittle or shame them. For this reason, alphas tend to be very easily likable and admired by a large and diverse # of people. They have a natural knack for making others feel valued, welcome and at-ease. Sometimes all it takes is eye contact, a genuine smile and maybe a simple icebreaker.

 

Some aspects of "alphas" are learned skills that come via good upbringing and life experience. Other aspects are innate and cannot be taught. OP, don't try to be something you naturally aren't and don't try to be what some woman wants you to be. Bachdude is on point with his post. If a woman wants you to be "X" but you are better suited for "Z", then that woman is probably not a good match for you.

 

Look up the phrase "Quiet Confidence". Many genuinely good people have that.

[carhill]

How does one be an alpha male, an "in charge" type of male without being abusive and controlling?

 

First is a commitment to achievement and quality. Strive to be the best that you can possibly be. Risk. Fail. Learn. Seek out leaders as mentors.

 

All the woman stuff comes later. That's incidental.

 

Second is value others. A leader without a team is nothing. Yes, select who to invest in and select carefully. There are those who follow and those who lead. Understanding the nuances of that dynamic is important in a leader. Build people up. Nearly everyone relishes being valued and respected. A good leader does both.

 

Then go back to number one and work some more.

 

Women are a by-product, not the end game. The same qualities which make a successful leader attract women who value and respect leadership. Opportunities will arise and relationships can happen.

 

If you find the violence of your childhood to be constantly tugging at your elbow and interfering with your goals, engage professional help to give you the tools to conquer the psychological challenge. Yep, it sucked. It was unhealthy and wrong. Learning to accept what cannot be changed is part of being an effective leader. Figure it out, accept it, move on.