born-again christian or commitment-phobe

[konfused]

Hello all,

 

Just looking for a few opinions here about a relatinship that ended for me six months ago. I realize it's time to move and ultimately that will require simply letting go, but I can't help myself from wondering if I made the right decision when I broke up with this girl.

 

So here's the story. I'll keep it short. I meet this girl and we hit it off as friends. Spend a lot of time together and eventually ask her on a date. She says no. There is definitley a connection, though, and eventually we become sexually involved for a month or two. By the way, she never liked to talk about her feelings towards me. So then one day she just stops being intimate with me both physically and emotionally. Later she tells me that before she met me she had accepted Jesus and wasn't having sex again until she was married. So for three months or so we still hung out. Things were a bit weird but she never wanted to talk about it. Then she finally tells me she wants to date other people. I was cool with that, thinking if she doesn't want me than I don't want her. That is when I realized I had deep feelings for her and tell her I can't be her friend if she is going to date other people. It was just too much.

 

For some reason she couldn't let me go. Thus began five of the most frustrating months of my life. This is when I was told of all the reasons why it wouldn't work. They made sense at the time but later they made no sense. She told me things like "God just wants us to be friends" and "if you are dating other people I don't want to know about it" and "no expectations". Finally, during a brief spell of risen self-esteem I stopped taking her calls.

 

A week later I get this e-mail saying she really wants me in her life. So finally I get some sort of commitment from her. At least she is willing to call herself my girlfriend. The thing is something was missing. I don't think I could forgive the sense of betrayal I felt when she wouldn't talk about her feelings or brough in other guys to cover up her feelings. So I have this girlfriend who is somewhat distant and won't have sex with me because it's not the Christian way. By the way, when we got back together we had sex a few more times. She didn't have any problems laying in bed with me at night when I stayed over. However, when I told her that 'cuddle time' had to end on the couch she got upset with me. Could she be so naive about the male sex urge or was she just being selfish. When I slept next to her (she liked to sleep naked) she would try to cuddle with me in bed and it was too much for me. I had to try. I'm male. She would get upset. Eventually I would just go to bed and turn my back to her. She got upset then as well.

 

So my question. Does this sound like actions of a born-again Christian or was withholding sex just her way of avoiding a full-fledged committed relationship? This issue had been causing strife in our relationship for the entire time. When I told her that I was looking for a total commitment and was willing to leave she would change her tune and say we werent emotionally close enough or give some other reason why we couldn't have sex.

 

Finally I ended it. During the grieving process I felt like a real jerk. What kind of man breaks up with his girlfriend because she won't have sex? I just think there was more to it than that. I realize it's up to me to convince myself I did the right thing. I just wanted some opinions on the subject.

 

Thanks in advance.

[quankanne]

What kind of man breaks up with his girlfriend because she won't have sex?

 

short answer: a smart one, given that the issue wasn't as much about sex as mutual respect.

 

if the girl wasn't interested in revisiting a sex life until she was married, then she would not have done her best to put herself (or you) into the situations she had. Sleep naked with someone? That tells me you're open to the idea of intimacy, including sexual intercourse. Inviting you in to be her lover but giving you guidelines ... then going around them? tells me she's playing some kind of mind game, not overly concerned how this is affecting you.

 

if someone tells you that he/she is Christian -- or adheres to a strict religious belief -- most of those faith beliefs stress respect of others. None of this wishy washy garbage of telling you 'God just wants us to be friends' then putting you in situations where you're being tempted by that person's teasing or come-hither actions.

 

yes, you're going to grieve the loss of this relationship because you've invested a lot of yourself in it, but keep in mind that the kind of relationship you want to experience with a gal is one where mutual respect, as well as caring, is involved. And it just doesn't sound like you were on a two-way street with your ex ...

[missopinionated]

Sadly, lots of people use their religion as a way to avoid responsibility and to divest themselves of the link to their actions. That she would say "God just wants us to be friends," to me, is a really thinly veiled way of say SHE just wants to be friends.

 

I'd say she has a really tough time acknowledging her feelings and taking responsibility for her actions. She's probably having regrets that she had sex (but isn't acknowledging that sex, like breathing, eating and sleeping, is a necessary, healthy biological function.

 

The other issue is that many religious people -- most, sadly -- feel that sex is bad and that sex outside of marriage is really horrible. The reality is that most people have sex prior to marriage, religious people included: there seems to be a ton of religious people who have the astounding experience of having "God" tell them that while pre-marital sex is bad, in their case, it will be fine.

 

Do you want to be with this person?

 

If yes, sit her down and go to the nitty gritty. Ask her if she wants to be with you and whether she's will commit to a relationship in all its fullness. If you can accept her answer then go forward. If not, go find someone who's philosophy is compatible with yours.

 

If there's any truth at all in the bible, it may be in the passage about not being unequally yoked -- meaning very different philosophies are hard to marry.

[life loser]

I dated a Christian virgin once (she was 30!) who drove me nuts in similar ways - I think it is all the pent-up sexual frustration, guilt, etc. that does it

 

Don't take it personally, just go with the flow if you can, and hopefully it will all settle down

[flowergirl]

Your girl doesn't sound as much like a born-again Christian as she does slightly unbalanced. I would just move on from this girl, she doesn't know what she wants.