Lonely Love

[Fionna]

Hi,

 

I struggled for days to decide and tell someone about this. I cannot tell a living soul in a real world, so I am seeking advice here.

Edited December 16, 2014 by Fionna

[losangelena]

What is it you're seeking advice about, exactly?

[shet]

Unless you've killed or kidnapped someone or planted a bomb, you should go ahead and put your post back so we can talk about it - it's clearly eating you up.

[Fionna]

Ok (sigh). I was not sure if this is such a splendid idea after all.

 

Here is the story:

I fell madly in love with ten years younger man. He is in his 20s and I am in my 30s. That's an obstacle number one. Huge age difference when woman is older spells disaster (think Moore/Kutcher). It's simply biologically detrimental and unlike other women I am fully aware of it and not fooling myself.

How did we meet? We are in the same masters, full-time level course. We see each other in the class every day. We used to live in the same building until he moved out to live with his girlfriend (obstacle number two). Nothing ever happened between us or so I think. I fell in love first time I saw him; he is perfect mentally and physically. He is also very humble, loyal, and has high sense of integrity. We had couple of study sessions while he lived in the same building (nothing weird there). They were somewhat "tense" though. Afterward we never did it again because he moved out.

In the class I purposely sit far away from him and never start a conversation so that no one notices that I am in love with him. Classmates are gossipy and it would be highly embarrassing. I maintain strictly professional attitude. I do glance at him lovingly when no one watches. I also always appear when he needs something; pens, pencils, equipment, photocopies, and books. I give all these items to him and don't ask for them to be returned. I do it for those that sit next to him too so that they don't notice anything weird or that I do it for him.

I suffered slightly in my midterms with regard to my grades because I thought of him non-stop. Than by the finals I managed to reel myself back together and focused more on studying avoiding him as much as possible, but still always helping. He is one of the best students in the class so he doesn't need much help. I look up to him all the time. He is also intellectually perfect.

We had end-of the-semster class party. I sat far away. He drunk a bit and joined my table. He likes to drink and gets tipsy but always keeps his composure. He sat right next to me, practically attaching his body next to mine. Arm to arm, torso to torso, leg next to my leg. Completely attached, almost in embrace. His hands on my back all the way through the conversation. Actually he wasn't even taking a lot as much as feeling me. This was shockingly surprising to me. He did tell a girl next to him half-jokingly: I really like"insert my name". Than he touched my back again. My heart was racing. At this point my leg was trembling from embarrassment and I had to move it away. I excused myself to go to the bathroom. He left the table (relief). When he left the party I went after him at the lower level of the building. I told him I wanted to say bye because we would not see each other for 3 weeks. He told me he was going to the train station and to go together. I said I can't I promised another classmate I would walk her home. He was putting his coat on ver slowly. He told me: You should get together with "insert random guy from the class name" because "he is so nice". I said: I don't want him. He said: You should. I said: Maybe I like someone already. Heart wants what heart wants. He said: Yeah, I know. Not looking at me. He started walking toward the exit. I looked at him. He came back and hugged me. We held each others hands reluctant to let go for a minute. Than he left without a word.

I am a mess since that evening; crying constantly, listening to forlorn love songs, eating rubbish, and just moping around. Today I managed to collect myself and have done 7 hours of productive work.

I desperately want to think that the party behaviour was alcohol induced, I try to find his character flaws, I try to find reasons to dislike him, and forget him. I want to be strong and forget.

I sometimes allow myself to envision possibilities. I know his family would hate me if he breaks up with his absolute sweetheart gf (I saw her pictures; she is wonderful). I am not a home wrecker. I would not want people to despise the "older woman". I know that in reality it could never work.

So, I am asking how to kill all the feelings. I have to finish the program. I can't wait for it to end. At the same time I will be heartbroken not to have him in my life every day. Yet, that's the best solution.

It's an awful situation and I want out of it. I want to stop loving.

Edited December 17, 2014 by Fionna

[bachdude]

Ok (sigh). I was not sure if this is such a splendid idea after all.

 

Here is the story:

I fell madly in love with ten years younger man. He is in his 20s and I am in my 30s. That's an obstacle number one. Huge age difference when woman is older spells disaster (think Moore/Kutcher). It's simply biologically detrimental and unlike other women I am fully aware of it and not fooling myself.

How did we meet? We are in the same masters, full-time level course. We see each other in the class every day. We used to live in the same building until he moved out to live with his girlfriend (obstacle number two). Nothing ever happened between us or so I think. I fell in love first time I saw him; he is perfect mentally and physically. He is also very humble, loyal, and has high sense of integrity. We had couple of study sessions while he lived in the same building (nothing weird there). They were somewhat "tense" though. Afterward we never did it again because he moved out.

In the class I purposely sit far away from him and never start a conversation so that no one notices that I am in love with him. Classmates are gossipy and it would be highly embarrassing. I maintain strictly professional attitude. I do glance at him lovingly when no one watches. I also always appear when he needs something; pens, pencils, equipment, photocopies, and books. I give all these items to him and don't ask for them to be returned. I do it for those that sit next to him too so that they don't notice anything weird or that I do it for him.

I suffered slightly in my midterms with regard to my grades because I thought of him non-stop. Than by the finals I managed to reel myself back together and focused more on studying avoiding him as much as possible, but still always helping. He is one of the best students in the class so he doesn't need much help. I look up to him all the time. He is also intellectually perfect.

We had end-of the-semster class party. I sat far away. He drunk a bit and joined my table. He likes to drink and gets tipsy but always keeps his composure. He sat right next to me, practically attaching his body next to mine. Arm to arm, torso to torso, leg next to my leg. Completely attached, almost in embrace. His hands on my back all the way through the conversation. Actually he wasn't even taking a lot as much as feeling me. This was shockingly surprising to me. He did tell a girl next to him half-jokingly: I really like"insert my name". Than he touched my back again. My heart was racing. At this point my leg was trembling from embarrassment and I had to move it away. I excused myself to go to the bathroom. He left the table (relief). When he left the party I went after him at the lower level of the building. I told him I wanted to say bye because we would not see each other for 3 weeks. He told me he was going to the train station and to go together. I said I can't I promised another classmate I would walk her home. He was putting his coat on ver slowly. He told me: You should get together with "insert random guy from the class name" because "he is so nice". I said: I don't want him. He said: You should. I said: Maybe I like someone already. Heart wants what heart wants. He said: Yeah, I know. Not looking at me. He started walking toward the exit. I looked at him. He came back and hugged me. We held each others hands reluctant to let go for a minute. Than he left without a word.

I am a mess since that evening; crying constantly, listening to forlorn love songs, eating rubbish, and just moping around. Today I managed to collect myself and have done 7 hours of productive work.

I desperately want to think that the party behaviour was alcohol induced, I try to find his character flaws, I try to find reasons to dislike him, and forget him. I want to be strong and forget.

I sometimes allow myself to envision possibilities. I know his family would hate me if he breaks up with his absolute sweetheart gf (I saw her pictures; she is wonderful). I am not a home wrecker. I would not want people to despise the "older woman". I know that in reality it could never work.

So, I am asking how to kill all the feelings. I have to finish the program. I can't wait for it to end. At the same time I will be heartbroken not to have him in my life every day. Yet, that's the best solution.

It's an awful situation and I want out of it. I want to stop loving.

 

Thank you for sharing Fionna.

 

It definitely seems like a huge struggle for you. I just have a few thoughts, and I don't know if they will help but I will share them with you anyway.

 

A couple questions; why do you feel it is such a terrible thing to have strong feelings for him, to the point where you feel you cannot talk to someone about it? Perhaps this is why the feelings have gotten so intense. To be able to air them out, with a good friend, might really help.

 

My second thought is, because you feel this is a forbidden love, I wonder if this is fueling the emotions even more. What is the old saying? "We always desire more that which is forbidden". You feel you can't have it so it becomes even more powerful.

 

10 years doesn't necessarily mean it can't work out. My grandparents were 15 years apart. I have a friend whose wife is 15 years younger.

 

And it seems like you feel guilty for having these feelings, maybe again because you feel it is forbidden But people get very smitten all the time, and very often it is with someone they think will not work out. You don't need to feel feel shame for having them. Just admit you have them, accept yourself for having them, and allow yourself to fully experience them. And talk to someone about them. Do you have someone you trust that will listen?

 

Fionna, you really idolize this younger man you are in love with. You describe him as perfect and you fell in love with him the first time you saw him. You don't have to try to find negative traits in him. Just realize that all people have negative traits and it is highly unlikely he is exempt!

 

And my last thought is, and this is just a gut reaction, but I wonder what his motivation was for being so physically affectionate towards you at the party and again later. He then says he thinks you should go out with another classmate? Then holds your hand? It just smells of game playing to me. If it is game playing, he is playing with your heart and making your struggle even worse.

 

So those are some initial thoughts. Hope they help.

[shet]

OK well let's see. I've been in a similar boat, though I'm a guy; degree course, in my 30's, decade younger woman, infatuation (though, and I say this as someone with world-class infatuations, nowhere near as strong as yours seems... on this occasion). I know full well the damage it wreaks on a mind that needs to commit to study; I actually flunked a year and retook because I was driven to suicidal depression and a mental breakdown partly by a woman (other things also), which took me counselling, time and diagnosis with a hormone issue I was previously unaware of to recover from. You've avoided that at least. Perhaps how it went down with me, might help you work through it.

 

The infatuation comes, for me, from regular contact and a lack of other opportunities to interact with women (men for you, or whatever for anyone else) who actually engage with me. Both of those things are forced upon you by the degree. I'll bet you haven't got much of a life beyond school right now. One of the easy keys to breaking it is to gain other opportunities. You have to make time to get out and chat with other men. Once you start thinking about other guys, even a little bit, the spell should lift.

 

Besides that, they aren't as perfect as they seem. Nobody is. That's the infatuation talking. You haven't seen any of the details of his life and even if you had you'd gloss over it. Rose tinted glasses etc.

 

The guy sounds like he knows what's up, has known for some time, and was being a bit of a prick at the party. Regardless if it's from fidelity to his GF or he's not into you enough, he isn't going to go there. But he'll enjoy basking in your worship and teasing you anyway.

 

In a year you'll be laughing at yourself. The infatuation will lift and you'll start to see him clearer as the flawed individual everyone is. To get there you have to go through the steps though.

[Fionna]

Thank you for your kind responses.

My plan is to get a part time job for spring semester.

Even though i can't afford it time-wise because the course is so intense, I will do it so I can exhaust myself enough not to think of him and to meet other people; work colleagues, just for socializing.

[Toodaloo]

Hi Fionna

 

Age thing is rubbish. Look around you and you will see many happy couples of different ages. What matters is core values and beliefs.

 

Sounds to me as though you have lost yourself a bit and all your emotions are getting a bit washed away with this. Time to haul those emotions back in and give them a stern talking to.

 

The girlfriend is a massive obstacle. I am going to change the word obstacle to "turn off". He is committed and screwing about with your emotions... Does that make him a nice guy? No it makes him a guy that is potentially going to be unfaithful. Big turn off.

 

In all honesty this sounds a bit like infatuation rather than love. Which makes it a bit easier as you will get over this.

 

Start trying to see him as he actually is. Your emotions have clouded your judgement and are ruling you at the moment. Yes he may be a bright spark but even intellectuals can be complete and utter pillocks sometimes. I know as I have worked with many highly intelligent people who get stuck when they need to do something mundane that seems simple to the rest of us.

 

I like the plan of getting a part time job. Not only will it help you financially but you will also get to meet other people. Try to distance yourself from this guy. If he becomes single then leave him for a bit so you do not end up being a rebound and then see where you go. For now though this guy is off limits and you should imagine him as something really ugly or imagine he has boils on his bottom or something/ anything to put you off. If you find your self thinking of him romantically start imagining straining to have a poo or something really gross to put you off.

[bathtub-row]

The age difference isn't a big deal if it's not a big deal to him. I knew a guy who was married to a woman 10 yrs older than him and it didn't matter one bit to him. They were even having a child together. But he was extremely mature and that's the kind of guy he would need to be in a situation like that. The famous author, David Baldacci, is married to a woman who's 12 yrs older than him. So, you see, it can work. Your biggest problem is that he has a gf. I don't know why he was touching you the way he was but even if he wants to be with you, make sure he's no longer with his current gf.

[coolheadal]

A lot of thought gone into what you have going on there. You should have confronted him by asking if he was seeing someone first. (I am sure your girl is very proud of your determination of your studies) Well I believe in your wording he as someone already.

 

This is more of crush, but you had taken so deeply to heart. Age doesn't matter here. Sure there are limits, but difference from 30 (10 years lower), 40 (10 years lower), 50 (10 to 16 years lower) just a scale to follow which may vary.

 

But don't let it effect your hard work in your studies.

[Fionna]

Thanks for the input everyone.

There is one thing that I regret. I was so taken aback by his touching at the party that I couldn't keep my composure. Unlike him I don't have special endurance training to always keep psychological composure going hundred percent.I should have acted as if all of his touching did not phase me at all.

Well, there will probably be no more opportunities for it anyway.

And I still think it was alcohol induced.

Edited December 17, 2014 by Fionna

[bachdude]

Thanks for the input everyone.

There is one thing that I regret. I was so taken aback by his touching at the party that I couldn't keep my composure. Unlike him I don't have special endurance training to always keep psychological composure going hundred percent.I should have acted as if all of his touching did not phase me at all.

Well, there will probably be no more opportunities for it anyway.

And I still think it was alcohol induced.

 

I can imaging it would be tough to keep your composure! Here is a guy you have a lot of attraction to and feelings for and he is being very physically affectionate towards you. What he did bothers me because, first, he just moved in with his girlfriend, and second, unless he plans to pursue a relationship with you, he shouldn't be playing with your heart like that. He clearly can see you have feelings for him, why would he fan them like that? Is he trying to torture you? I am just wondering what his intentions are. Is he really planning on breaking up with his girlfriend and moving out? Somehow I doubt it.