in major love with a gay man....sigh

[Elise]

I have known this amazing guy for a little over a year now. i'm 28 and he's 24. we've grown extremely close (it's ridiculous how close we are) and now we hang out every single day and talk on the phone every single second of the day. we became really super close. people who hang out with us always call us a "couple" or say we are married. it's just like will and grace.

 

the only problem is he's bisexual...but i can tell he likes guys more. he's not the typical gay guy. i don't even look at him like that. he's a man man to me. he's the sweetest guy ever. the nicest guy ever. really gorgeous. we're very very touchy feely and we've made out a little bit before when we were both drunk.

 

the problem is i've developed major feelings for him. in a big way. i haven't told anyone yet. it's obvious to some people but no one knows.

 

he went out with this girl a couple months ago on one date and he didn't like her that way, but they made out and it pissed me off like you wouldn't believe. i was so upset. it really literally made me sick to my stomach. he talks to her once in a great while, but told me he can never be in a relationship with her.

 

and a month ago he told me he had a "little crush" on one of our girl friends. it was like stabbing me in the heart with a sharp knife and twisting. i am so lost and so in love that i can't take it anymore.

 

but now he's talking to this guy online that he likes a lot. they're going to meet soon. i don't know how to react. i don't know how i should feel.

 

can anyone here tell me what to do? it's so hard when i'm sitting right next to him and all i want to do is kiss his gorgeous lips. this is way too ****ing hard. i don't know what to do.

 

 

 

thank you in advance.

[lovegroove]

Ouch - been there, done that.

 

One of my very dearest friends is gay and at the beginning I had this major-league crush on him. He's very good looking, dresses well, smells good...the whole 9, as they say. Plus, we could literally talk all night about anything and everything. He is one of the few people outside my family that I feel completely comfortable with.

 

I would look at him or his picture and I could literally feel the pull at my heartstrings, like "Why oh why isn't he straight?" He even told me once that if he were into women he would want to date me, and that when he is looking for a boyfriend he looks for someone with some of my good qualities.

 

Anyway, there really is no easy answer, and your situation is a bit more complicated since your friend does date both men and women. I know that in my situation I eventually got over my crush.

 

Have you considered telling him how you feel or do you think it would make things awkward between you and him?

 

Good luck; I can certainly sympathize with how you're feeling.

[Elise]

thanks lovegroove...

 

i can't tell him. it will ruin everything. i love him so much that it physically hurts

 

:(

 

i'm so sad

[tokyo]

I don't know any gay men closer and I'm not sure if I could fall in love with them at all. Did you ever imagine him together with another man? Would it be a turn off for you? Maybe that helps? Sorry, I can't give you really good advice on this...

[Elise]

Originally posted by kooky

Did you ever imagine him together with another man? Would it be a turn off for you?

 

oh contraire. quite opposite

 

i know, i'm weird like that.

 

thank you.

[crazychica333]

ironically enough, i was lookin on here because im in the same situation! i was almost positive that there was no one else out there like me, wow am i relieved! well my love is 19, we've been friends for over a year and a few months ago he told me he was gay. i was totally into him, and i thought he liked me too. EVERYONE thinks somethings going on between us because we're always togethor and stuff, sadly it's not true. Too make things even worse i have another gay best friend, they got drunk togethor the other night and were messing around.

 

It breaks my heart to see him with someone else, let alone a guy, let alone my best friend! i know there's nothing i can do about it, i just love him so much, its so unfair. men are ment to love women!!! oh well i guess, if this isn't a sign that we aren't meant to be togethor then i dont know what is!!!!

[Elise]

Originally posted by crazychica333

It breaks my heart to see him with someone else

 

oh honey, i know how you feel. it truly sucks. this has consumed my life. it has completely taken over and i don't know what to do. we also are always always together. everyone calls us "married."

 

but honey, my situation is worse than yours by a long shot only because this guy is bi. he likes women too...imagine your guy going out on a date with a girl...and then coming back and telling you the details. i wanted to slit my wrists that night. it was the most horrible thing ever. i had to pretend everything was ok. also, imagine him telling you that he thinks he has a crush on one of our girl friends. that was like stabbing me in the heart. i am much more attractive than that girl in every way...i'm not trying to be conceited or anything...i'm just saying. it hurt like hell when he told me that. what does he see in her that he doesn't see in me? i just don't get it. i'm so heartbroken

[crazychica333]

im so sorry, my heart truly goes out to you, i know my situation is not as bad, but pretty damn similar. Its so retarted guys are ment to like girls. And he has a crush on my best friend too, the only thing is my best friend is a dude, its sooo lame, i just hate the entire situation. i want so bad to just stop talkin to him all togethor, but our friendship is so much deeper then that, im just so confused!

[HokeyReligions]

I'm confused. You say that it hurts you so bad that you feel like slitting your wrists, but you say that telling him your feelings will ruin everything? Ruin what? Your pain?

 

Tell him your feelings. If he doesn't want to be around you after that then drop him and move on. Maybe in a few years you will feel better, have found someone else, or have moved past the feelings you have now and can resume a friendship with him.

 

Take a break from him for your own sake.

[Elise]

taking a break is not an option. this boy is with me every single day. it's hard. soo hard

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Elise

taking a break is not an option. this boy is with me every single day. it's hard. soo hard

 

Why? Are you attached at the hip? If he is really your friend then he would be hurt and maybe offended to know that you are in pain because of your feelings for him and would want to know and help---maybe by staying away for a while.

 

If you were hurting a friend (intentionally or not) wouldn't you want to know so you could stop hurting your friend? His first words will probably be "Why didn't you tell me before!!?"

[Elise]

that's good advice.

 

i just can't stand to be away from him. i'm so stupidly obsessed

 

thank you..

[mishy]

HI

please look at my post under "coping'' called "i'm in love with my gay male best friend ...and i'm a girl!!!!""

 

Honey - I"M LIVING IT!!- and now i'm 2 and a half years on from meeting him and being totally obsessed with each other (as you'll see in my long description of our friendship) and now he's met his boyfriend online and they are in love and i'm still in love with him.

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel.

 

If you wanna talk please respond to my post under "coping'' cos i'll check that from time to time.

[mishy]

I also wanted to advise you that I really think you should tell him how you feel.

 

I told him how i felt shortly after we first pashed, which was about 3 weeks into our intense amazing friendship. So he has known for virtually our whole friendship, and he is completely gay. apparently.

 

Its kind of made our friendship more special in that we've survived my feelings- i can't imagine not ever telling him- you are not to be blamed for how you feel and its really liberating telling someone that you love them- even if they don't love you back- at least you've sent it out there.

 

But yeah my new challenge has been his new boyfriend that i still haven't met because i've avoided it.

 

Its really been hard and we have both cried a lot over it- but i have to remember the friendship over my feelings.

 

Its so good to hear about other girls feeling as stupid as i have.

[Elise]

Hi Mishy...thank you for your words. it sucks, doesn't it?

 

i have two questions for you:

 

#1. did you know he was gay when you told him you had feelings for him?

 

#2. didn't it make your friendship with him a bit awkward after you told him?

 

 

i can't imagine ever ever telling him. he and i are so close and i don't want to ruin things. ever.

[mishy]

hi elise

Wow Hollywood to Australia,..........

 

to answer the first question- i knew he was gay when i first kissed him - but after all of this physical stuff that went on i thought he was maybe bi- and we have been so close ever since- same thing as you- everyone thought we were a couple and it FELT for both of us that we were a couple- like staying at each others house for days etc etc. It was just very confusing- and thats why its so difficult for me now he's with this boyfriend.

 

 

No, it was never awkward after i told him- not really. But the alternative is to live in absolute agony.

 

(I would strongly suspect that your friend already knows that you are in love with him. Guys have a knack for that).

 

But even after i told him it was difficult. I remember one time we'd have planned a holiday together and 2 days before going i cracked and said NO I can't go I'm too in love with you etc it'll make things worse.. ...but we ended up going and in the end i kind of thought well I love him as a friend too and to lose that would be worse than any pain i'm feeling by being in love with him.

[Elise]

wow...i'm so sorry

 

this world sucks. maybe we should start our own club...

[mishy]

I'm not sorry that i became friends with him though, he's the best male friend i've ever had.

 

If your friendship is that strong it will survive you telling him and you'll also find out what sort of person he is.

 

You are worried about ruining it but in the long term your frustration will build up and that might ruin things anyway!

 

Its the jealousy thats the killer!!

[lovin my friend]

I work with a gay guy. We have become very close. I am falling in love with him and hope that it will not cause me too much pain. We can only ever be friends. He is so wonderful. We think so much alike. but he is only interested in men. I feel so jealous sometimes. I guess I will have to accept that we can only ever be friends and just be glad I'll have that.

[Anonymous]

Hi, I'm from Australia as well, and I know how you feel - I am also in love with a gay man who happens to be my best friend. We make out when we're drunk - we know we will beforehand, and we both admit it is a ****ed-up situation, yet neither of us are ready to change it. Our drunken antics make it worse - it's like the ultimate temptation, a sort of teasing I keep on letting myself be subjected to. He has told me he is not physically attracted to women - (he meets men on the internet and then ****s them in a one-night stand) - yet he had also told me he is emotionally unattached to men. He's very confused, swaying back and forth between being gay and his actions - and I don't know how to help him. He talks, I listen, but it never seems to be enough.

 

 

The problem is he is the loveliest person, despite some of his less desirable habits as mentioned above, which I forgive him for anyway. He has been my biggest emotional support and there are no secrets between us. We're very honest, and have discussed the situation many times, each time he tells me over and over how he doesn't want to hurt me. We both admit it's great right now, but that it could be seriously damaging in the future, for the both of us.

 

 

Like some of the other posters here, people also think we're together - especially his little sister, and she keeps telling me how wonderful we are together, despite the fact she knows we're NOT together. She even told me she wished that he would have a girlfriend just like me, that we fit together like two peices of a puzzle. It was a bittersweet moment - she has no idea about his true orientation.

 

I have no idea what to do - it's like a habit or addiction I can't kick. I really do love him, and he's always there for me, to listen and to hold me. My job is very draining physically and mentally, so when I finish work of an evening and he's there with open arms, I can't help but fall into them all too readily. I try to pull myself back, knowing that I'm only hurting myself and probably making things worse for him, but to pull away would be utter torture. Anyone have any advice?!

[Elise]

just don't get too involved...it sounds like you have. we also made out a couple times while drunk. it's wonderful. god he is amazingly hot.

 

this situation sucks for everyone

[mishy]

Dear anonymous from australia

 

did you read my original post called "i'm in love with my gay male best friend and I'm a girl!" its in the section called "coping". Jeez, I'll give you my number!!!

 

I know EXACTLY the pain you are in. You are worried about him though, more than yourself. You have to tell yourself that you deserve more than the scraps of affection that you get from him. He doesn't want to hurt you, but he will. I mean you are like me in that really he feels like he is your boyfriend. You are selling yourself short in that its "ok" for him to meet guys on the web.

 

Its the same as me. My friend would go to "beats" you know where they meet other men in the park and just have anonymous encounters.

 

If he isn't sexually attracted to women then you really have to draw some boundaries. The fact that he doesn't emotionally feel anything for men is probably more to do with his own emotional state - in that he hasn't fully accepted that he IS gay.

 

The fact that you are making out etc is only doing one thing for you. You are gradually developing a real sexual attraction for him and meanwhile- he isn't developing one for you - and so what happens to you when he does finally come to terms with being gay and starts seeing someone like my friend did 3 months ago?

 

Take it from me- if you really love him and care your friendship first and foremost and also about your own mental well being you will draw some boundaries now.

 

You have to tell yourself that this situation is not good enough for you - and also while your waiting for him to decide you are making yourself unavailable to every other straight man on the planet. Thats what my friends used to tell me.

 

You will resent him so much when he finally stays with a guy. Its the absolute worst pain I've experienced. If i was you I'd be his friend and support him in him coming out. You have to say to him - hey this isn't good enough for me- if you want me you have to take all of me, not just the bits that suit. I'm prepared to love you if you will love all of me."

 

Really he's having his cake and eating it too. I mean from his point of view why should he choose which side his on when he's getting what he wants from both?

 

Be his friend and your own friend and just try to stop getting yourself in situations where you know it will happen. I know that its really hard- but you have to think about yourself long term. You need to help him come to terms with his sexuality and you can do that by never making out again. Even though its short term gratification i tell you what the pain you'll feel when he stays with a guy is NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!

[majetta]

I'd hate to say it, but I'm in the same boat as many of yall...just a little bit further down the stream.

 

I met my...ex(feels weird to call him that) three+ years ago. Became best friends. Fell in love with him instantly. Told him how I felt. He ran away. Best friends again. Told me he was gay. I accepted it. We messed around. Acted like a couple but we just said we were friends...even though we held hands, dates all of the time, arms around each other constantly, etc. TOTALLY messed with my mind and emotions.

 

Then last October he told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, have kids, etc...that he couldn't be happier with any other person. Up until this point I thought he was gay. My dream was coming true and I was completely elated...and cautious. I made SURE he was "sure" and then we started to date...officially.

 

I broke up with him in February, but we both decided that we still love each other dearly and that we'd go back out in the Fall once I move back and his summer of being gone is over.

 

He sends me an email (an EMAIL, mind you) the other day telling me that he's realized something that he's never really grasped before...he's a "homosexual". umm, NO ****. I just thought our love (which in itself is amazing...and will always be.) would withstand/conquer all.

 

Crock O ****, guys. Relationships with bi/gay men WILL NOT work out.

 

At one point or another I have been exactly where you all are...and even tried to seek answers much the same as yall are doing now. I just really wish I had someone to tell me that it wasn't going to work out...well, someone who had gone through what I went through. I had some of my friends say that us getting married, etc. wasn't going to work out, but I was living my dream and who were they to say/know?

 

I can say because I know.

 

Gay guys will be gay guys. Guy-leaning guys will be guy-leaning guys.

 

Gay guys are asbolutely wonderful and so much fun, but we have to realize that it's not feasible to have a relationship.

 

Miles and miles of the bumpiest current of a stream I have passed, and it just lead down to a waterfall. If you do actually get into a relationship...it won't last...and most likely your best friendship will die because of what you have gone through.

 

Best of luck in your decisions. My advice is just to get over him. SO hard to do, but it will save you SO MUCH TIME in grief, worrying, etc.

 

-Amanda

[westernxer]

Stop being a fag hag... gay guys will never fall for you. Ever.

 

You can't change them. They love men. I only know this because one of my brothers is gay, and he has a fag hag who's been after him for years. He'll shop with her and talk fashion, but that's about it. The rest of him is reserved for whichever guy catches his eye. So much drama, too. I don't want to hear any of it.

 

Nothing personal, but it's the truth.

[westernxer]

He's also made out with tons of hot chicks, and even shares a bed with them from time to time, mostly to cuddle and talk shop.