Patient Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Hi guys. So I've been on and off in my relationship for four years.Its been rough we been through a lot but we always get through it.Me and him have been talking heavily about marriage.Every conversation has been about it.He is in a tight financial situation and wants to get a house and better job before taking that step...I'm looking at it like we could build it together.I've done a lot for him and have been his backbone many times when he was down and he doesn't really want me to have to do anything or work unless I want to.So my question is do I follow his lead or keep trying to emphasize the whole build together thing.I'm just worried that maybe he isn't serious.he talks about it a lot though and has even mentioned to me a timeframe where he's gonna ask.HELP!
FitChick Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Has he actively been looking for a better job and saving money for a deposit? Has he been spending most of his money instead? Actions speak louder than words. The housing bubble is supposed to burst next year so wait until prices drop. A pre-engagement means nothing.
Author Patient Posted December 16, 2014 Author Posted December 16, 2014 He's been looking for a better job and lately he hasn't been spending much money.
Diezel Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Isn't a pre-engagement the actual relationship that you are in right now? Kinda like calling Monday-Thursday a pre-Friday? Why not give the guy some time to see if he can better his position in life first? If you see that it's stalling, bail. 2
Gaeta Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 I would worry about a man that does not want me to provide anything to our common life and especially him not wanting me to work. He is setting everything up so he owns everything and you are financially fully dependent of him. Do not head down that road. 1
KatZee Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Gaeta said: I would worry about a man that does not want me to provide anything to our common life and especially him not wanting me to work. He is setting everything up so he owns everything and you are financially fully dependent of him. Do not head down that road. This. You will only screw yourself. I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist. With the divorce rates as high as they are I would NEVER go down this road. You need to be able to financially support yourself if anything were to happen. Not to mention, I personally would feel very worthless if I sat at home doing nothing and had to rely on my husband. Nothing of his would be OURS. It would be his home, his job, his money, his furniture, his food. Encourage him to continue looking for a job and you can start saving your own money and let him know you want to be an active contributor to the future you will have together. If he doesn't follow the time table, then come back and re-evaluate the situation and decide if you want to consider remaining in a situation where your boyfriend wants everything to be "perfect" before marriage. (Hint: it never will be and there will ALWAYS be something in the way preventing an engagement.) My mother said this to me years ago and it rings true. If everyone sat around waiting for their lives to be perfect before getting engaged, no one would be getting engaged. Also, pre-engagement? What is this? This isn't a thing. It's single, dating, relationship, engagement, marriage, divorce/death. You're at the relationship stage. 1
Toodaloo Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 I have read this differently. I think he is trying to get himself into a position where he is stable and able to provide for a family and home life. He is probably thinking about children and their care etc, it sounds to me as though he wants to provide and for you both to have a stable, secure home life when children come along etc. That is very important to men. While I think he appreciates your help in the past I think he is trying to get himself into a position where he can help you too and where he can consider himself "worthy" of you and able to look after both you and any children that come along so you don't have to work unless you want to. Quit talking of marriage for now. Let him get his new job and keep saving. Concentrate on that and help him with that instead. Only sensible to propose when you have the money for the ring and wedding and deposit on a house etc than before when you will have to get yourself into debt to do these things... Its sounds to me as though he is trying to set off any marriage on the right standing and not with debt and financial difficulties round your necks... 1
Author Patient Posted December 16, 2014 Author Posted December 16, 2014 I agree with you 100% toodaloo.he says there were certain standards he was brought up with as far as being prepared for marriage.we talked last night.his intention is to not have me sit at home in a controlling manner he just wants me to not worry.I am extremely independent I have a car a job we share an apartment and a degree working on a second one,he has a job but its for survival not a career and he's a father figure to my daughter.I came into the relationship independent but it gets hard at times for us so I'm understanding of him wanting to provide more.I just don't wanna sit around for years waiting for him too because he feels he isn't where he should be if it makes sense.
d0nnivain Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 A lot of people don't feel ready for marriage without some financial security. Houses, weddings, & engagement rings can all be very expensive. I'd support the better job & financial stability but continue to assure him that he is not in this alone & you do not expect him to be the sole breadwinner, at least not in the beginning.
MissBee Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 (edited) For me, the bigger issue is that you are worried he isn't serious and almost seem to want to rush it to lock him down for fear that he will change his mind, especially given your on and off again dynamic. While what he is saying about finances makes sense I think if you're in a relationship where you fear the person isn't serious about marrying you, you should think about that carefully. I've been where you are but not with an engagement, just relationships which weren't going anywhere in spite of talks. But part of me always knew they wouldn't because I always had anxiety about it and uncertainty versus the calm, confidence I've had when the man is all in and things are stable. For me, my own feelings of anxiety are usually a clue that something is off. Too many people have tumultuous relationships and think marriage will be the cure when it makes it worse. So I'd also suggest you all get premarital counseling to make sure that you even need to be marrying each other since most times on and off again dynamics are that way for a reason. The reason usually isn't about true love or a sign that getting back together 10 times means you're "mean to be" But that the people are just accustomed to each other and that back and forth drama. I'd suggest you allow him to do what he needs to and be prepared to walk if on his own he doesn't bring marriage back up or there is no progress towards that end. Edited December 16, 2014 by MissBee
FitChick Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 If he buys the house before you marry, it would be his house unless he put you on title. Wait till you are married because then you automatically own half of the house.
Toodaloo Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 Patient said: I agree with you 100% toodaloo.he says there were certain standards he was brought up with as far as being prepared for marriage.we talked last night.his intention is to not have me sit at home in a controlling manner he just wants me to not worry.I am extremely independent I have a car a job we share an apartment and a degree working on a second one,he has a job but its for survival not a career and he's a father figure to my daughter.I came into the relationship independent but it gets hard at times for us so I'm understanding of him wanting to provide more.I just don't wanna sit around for years waiting for him too because he feels he isn't where he should be if it makes sense. This makes it so much more simple. Best course of action is to support him finding a better job and educating himself etc so he can achieve that. He will feel much better about himself, feel more "worthy" of you and you can start of your marriage knowing full well that you are with someone who cares enough about you to do everything they can to ensure your happiness and well being. I think that is a pretty damn good start to work from. I suspect the proposal will shortly follow after an offer on good employment and when he has some savings etc so he feels like he can bring something to the table. So you don't need to worry about it. In this case I really don't think that you need to worry about the ring as he is obviously thinking about your long term happiness which is far more important.
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