hopelessromantic89 Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been together for 1.5 years. We met and fell immediately in love with one another. We moved pretty fast and were spending everyday with each other since we first became official. I battle severe depression and it soon began to cause problems in our relationship. I became very clingy and untrusting (I have never had a healthy relationship where I was not abused by a partner). I knew I was dragging him down, so we broke up. A month later we got back together and things were wonderful again. I had really been trying to work on myself and he was very supportive. We lasted another 10 months. Recently I have been sliding back into my old behavior and I knew it was pushing him away. He felt distant from me every now and then. If he went home he would barely text me which drove me nuts. I wanted more from him, even though it had nothing to do with him...it was me not wanting to be alone and scared that I would lose this wonderful man. One week ago I couldn't take it anymore, he wanted to stay at his house and I wanted to see him. We argued and I brought up ending things. So we met up and talked and decided that I needed to work on myself more as did he and wasn't ready for a relationship right now. He says he still loves me and wants to be friends still. He says he can see us together in the future but "we aren't getting back together like..6 weeks from now." I have been in therapy for about a month, I know this is a slow process. I need to focus on myself and make myself happy. But, I can't help but be with him. I miss his patience and his positivity and would do anything to have him back in my life again. We haven't talked since the day after the break up. It kills me that he hasn't contacted me. Is there still a chance...
StrongLass Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 We haven't talked since the day after the break up. It kills me that he hasn't contacted me. Is there still a chance... Chance of what? Of getting back together again forever instead of in intervals? Not for a LONG time, since after 1.5 years & two (or more?) breakups I'd say he's finally sick of being yo-yoed around by you. You can't just 'try really hard' to undo years' worth of bad relationship habits & codependency issues for a month then jump right back into a relationship expecting things to somehow work out. That's not enough time & effort to truly repair fundemental psychological issues within yourself. You seem to seek out his positivity like a drug when you can't stand being by yourself anymore, yet your unresolved issues WILL continue to undermine having a healthy relationship with him (or anyone else for that matter) until you deal with them through professional therapy. Worry about working on yourself for now & leave your ex alone!
gluggy Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 There is always a chance. Nothing in life is for certain. People move on and people will do whatever they want. People will miss their old life and look back on fond memories. But you need to work on yourself and this is true. As human, we find it very hard to break from habit. So look deep into yourself and ask what is it that you need to do. What is it that drove him away. What is it that you think will make you a better person and a better partner. And then set your heart to it and make that happen. I am going through exactly the same thing. My husband of nine years just left and everything is still raw. But I am finding the courage to speak to others in my situation hoping that it will make me feel better too. Hope for us right now is a flickering candle. Don't do anything to blow that flame out 2
SubliminalSessions Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 (edited) Trying to date someone who is self or medically diagnosed as depressed is never a good quality in a relationship. However, I'm glad you're turning to therapy and hopefully books instead of men and prescription meds. My philosophy is too many people these days are turning to facebook and death as a way out of depression, instead of reading books. There's so many books out there, that even if someone can't afford therapy, they can improve themselves. I know because I'm a better person due to the many books I have read on relationships, and I teach that to others (despite still making my own mistakes that I know isn't right). There may not be any chance to salvage that. That's just the lessons of life we sometimes deal wih. Work on yourself and meet someone else. That way, they won't know about all the crazy things and it'll be a fresh start Edited December 16, 2014 by SubliminalSessions
Author hopelessromantic89 Posted December 16, 2014 Author Posted December 16, 2014 Thank you all for your replies. Of course I am devestated having him gone from my life. But I know this is a chance for me to focus on myself. I am excited to work to get my life and happiness back. I feel terrible for the things I put him through and the way I brought him down with me. I hope that he can forgive me someday. I wish I had met him at a different point in my life, so I could give him all the things he gave to me. I am grateful for him for helping me carry my baggage, though it was not fair. And I hope to be as great as him someday.
Halcyon Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 (edited) Hi sorry to hear you are going through a hard time, I can only relate from my own experiences. I was diagnosed with MDD in my late teens after having a break down. Probably something I've had since childhood something I just thought was normal to be sad all the time. Anyway once I was diagnosed I actively made the choice to stop dating until I was in a better place. The old saying "No one can love you if you don't love yourself" is very true I believe. I did not want to be that burden on anyone. It was a very slow process, certainly not one that is fixed after one month of therapy. I'm sorry to say you will have to learn to stop leaning on people as your sole source of happiness, it's very unhealthy, co dependency is unhealthy. I actively stopped dating for 2 years as I sorted out my demons and then after that it was a slow process easing myself back into it to make sure I didn't fall back into the same pits. Now my friends and family believe I'm one of the most stoic people they know. I've used my experiences in life as fuel to build myself up, I know what it is like to be at rock bottom and I'm truly grateful I made it to the other side. The thing with depression in a lot of cases is it never really goes away you have to learn how to live with it. How to minimise it's effects so it doesn't control your life. I wish you the best in your recovery. The biggest step is to acknowledge you have a problem and you are getting help, which is great. However it should be for yourself and not to try and get your ex back. I think you will have to let him go and seriously just focus on yourself. I know that is scary but nothing good will come from this, until you are in a better frame of mind. By then you may not even want to get back together (honestly you don't want to get back into a relationship that is already broken, it's just asking for heart ache). I know once I was able to see through the fog that had shrouded me for most of my life I was able to see things I couldn't before. Edited December 16, 2014 by Halcyon
Author hopelessromantic89 Posted December 17, 2014 Author Posted December 17, 2014 The hardest realization is admitting to myself that I am extremely codependent. Each passing day I come more to terms with it. I guess I am at the point where I am sick and tired of being so sick and tired. I have to let go of this amazing person, because he deserves so much better than me. I used him to make myself feel better, and also so I didn't have to focus or work on myself. Instead of using tools to deal with my problems, I used him as a bandaid. It makes me feel terrible. I need to change for myself, because I cannot go on living like this. I am robbing myself of my own happiness, and draining everyone else around me. Thank you for all your feedback, I want my happiness back. 1
Author hopelessromantic89 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 Having a hard time and decided to write about it here. My ex and I have been seeing each other for the past few months now. He ended up contacting me again and wanted to try and work it out together. I have been working on my codependency issues with my therapist and have really been turning my life around. Most of the time I feel great, and excited about the future. However, I just cannot seem to get past my trust issues. I doubt a lot of things in our relationship, though I keep them mostly to myself. When I do voice them, he gets very frustrated (understandably so). He has said that maybe we shouldn't talk anymore if I have these doubts, but he still hasn't given up. I have been abandoned by everyone I have loved like my parents, and still have not worked through these. I know this is partly why trusting that someone does love me and won't leave is so hard. The thing is, I just cannot seem to work through it. I make up scenarios in my head that if he had the opportunity to cheat he would take it, because in my mind all men would. He has never cheated on me. I want him to do all the "extra" things. For example, he is on a trip to Seattle right now. Sometimes I want him to call me just to talk, which he used to do. Now it seems like I am doing most of the calling. We have a wonderful time when we are together. But I have these thoughts in my head like...is he not calling me because he's with someone? He wants us to exclusively see each other, but I can't stop thinking about it. I need some help.
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