Wirenut Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Been with my current girlfriend for almost two years. Everything seemed to be going good until recently. From what she's told me her ex treated her pretty horribly by cheating on her. Now seems like shes afraid or expecting to get cheated on again. She hasn't ever said or accused me of cheating. But sometimes I'll say or do something to remind her of her ex and she will get upset. Sometimes I won't know what's wrong for a whole weekend. Never been with anyone that got hurt this badly. Not sure if theirs a way to ease her fears. I would never do anything to hurt her. Thanks for any advice.
bachdude Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 (edited) Been with my current girlfriend for almost two years. Everything seemed to be going good until recently. From what she's told me her ex treated her pretty horribly by cheating on her. Now seems like shes afraid or expecting to get cheated on again. She hasn't ever said or accused me of cheating. But sometimes I'll say or do something to remind her of her ex and she will get upset. Sometimes I won't know what's wrong for a whole weekend. Never been with anyone that got hurt this badly. Not sure if theirs a way to ease her fears. I would never do anything to hurt her. Thanks for any advice. She is going to need a lot of reassurance and lots of understanding. Reach out to her when she pulls away and is mad. It will show her you are serious about her. Reassure her that the two of you will get through this together. Try not to get mad and don't take it personally. Stick with it and she will come around and be grateful to you. Edited December 16, 2014 by bachdude
Gloria25 Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 And this thread is why I guess some people recommend dating for at least 1 1/2 to 2 years to really see who a person is. I'm just curious though, I mean, two years and she just expressed these fears? Did something happen or not happen recently to provoke these feelings? I wonder if more is going on here? I mean, is this some way for her to push for you to commit to her? I mean two years, where is this RL going?
Danda Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Not trying to be a downer or make you paranoid or anything, but if she has shown no signs of fearing you cheating on her for two entire years and now suddenly she is getting really paranoid about you cheating - it could possibly be a sign that she is contemplating cheating and is projecting that onto you. I don't want to go so far as to say it's a sign she already is cheating. I mean it's possible but I try not to be the jump-to-conclusions type. I just find it really odd that this wasn't a problem for two entire years and now suddenly it is. I've read in many places that cheaters very often get paranoid, themselves, because they start projecting onto their partner. I almost feel bad for even posting this but it just seems really odd to me.
bachdude Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 I'm thinking that the guy cheated on her right around the 2 year mark. That was my initial thought.
d0nnivain Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 You can't verbally ease her fears. Maintain your integrity through your actions. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 I'm thinking that the guy cheated on her right around the 2 year mark. That was my initial thought. Yes, this response is akin to a Post Traumatic Stress response which often occurs at an "anniversary" mark. It would be helpful, I'm sure, to do more things, even little things that will reassure her in the present. 1
Danda Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 I'm thinking that the guy cheated on her right around the 2 year mark. That was my initial thought. Yeah true, hadn't thought of that. I just don't like perceived pity plays, they always make me a little skeptical. Like it would be one thing if she was like, "I have insecurity problems and need to work on them," but instead it sounds like she's just freaking out at him and giving him silent treatment and so on, and when they discuss it she excuses her behavior with, "Well my ex was a douche who did X, Y and Z." I mean I know for sure that I project my own past experiences a bit when I reply to threads on this site, although I try not to do so. But pity play stuff combined with odd behavior and no acknowledgement of needing self-improvement - that package as a whole makes me arc an eyebrow. 1
almond Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 Yeah true, hadn't thought of that. I just don't like perceived pity plays, they always make me a little skeptical. Like it would be one thing if she was like, "I have insecurity problems and need to work on them," but instead it sounds like she's just freaking out at him and giving him silent treatment and so on, and when they discuss it she excuses her behavior with, "Well my ex was a douche who did X, Y and Z." I mean I know for sure that I project my own past experiences a bit when I reply to threads on this site, although I try not to do so. But pity play stuff combined with odd behavior and no acknowledgement of needing self-improvement - that package as a whole makes me arc an eyebrow. Absolutely. It's not up to you to fix her insecurities and heal from her past relationship, it's up to her. You can support her through it, but she has to be willing to work on herself. Getting mad at you and ignoring you for entire weekends is emotionally manipulate and I absolutely would not stand for this. It will only get worse as time goes on if she will not address her issues. I'd be sitting her down and telling her that it hurts you to see her like this, and that you want her to acknowledge the issues and work towards healing. If she refuses, walk. She will damage you if things continue as they are.
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