babybear Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 OKay...well, I am in an interracial relationship. And it really isn't a big deal to anybody....except for the fact that my parents are SUPER strict about dating in general, and his are much more liberal and open minded about it. We've been together for 3 yrs, and he's met all my siblings and hangs out with them...but he has not met my parents or been to their home. (Well, at least when they've been home.) His mom is a sweetheart, and she invites me over all the time and feeds me and takes care of me when I am there. She calls me up to chit-chat etc, and I call her on her bday and email her, and stuff like that. All this time I THOUGHT she liked me! Well, the other day, he and I had a fight...so he left my apartment and went to his parents house. His mom asked him what happened (they aren't SUPER close...but they talk about relationship stuff from time to time.). He told her we had a big fight. She was like, well...maybe you should take this as a sign, and spend less time with her and prepare for a more permanent breakup. He asks why, and she says - she hasn't even introduced you to her parents, she is not serious about you at all. Then she says, you both are 25...you should stop wasting time. WTF. This couldnt be further from the truth. I adore my bf. But my (Indian) parents, would not be too understanding when I brought home my white bf. I asked him to talk to her about it, he said not to worry, it's not a big deal, but it bugs me a lot. LIke, she thinks I am just something temporary. I asked if it was about me not being Jewish, and he said no. Anyone deal with this? Bb
Merin Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Sorry BB but yeah if this was my kid and they had been dating someone for 3 years.. were now 25 years old and still didn't want to bring my kid around to meet the parents I would be feeling the same way. You said your parents are strict about dating, however you're a grown woman and living on your own.. while I can understand that you don't want to upset your folks and obviously you feel this will be an issue for them, what is your BF suppose to feel about this? 3 Years together and you still won't introduce him to your parents.. this would be a huge red flag for me in this situation that you don't intend to ever do this.. There comes a time when you need to behave as an adult and gently let your parents know that you have found someone amazing that you care a lot about.. that you hope you have thier support of your choice and would like for them to meet your BF.. however you are NOT going to be swayed by anyone (including them) based on the colour of his skin/religion. This isn't okay IMO.. put yourself in his shoes.. you're very upset right now that you feel his Mom doesn't like you.. (I think it isn't that she doesn't like YOU, she doesn't like what she is seeing in regards to you not introducing her son to your parents) how would you feel if your BF didn't want to introduce you to his Mom at all based on your religion or colour of your skin.. IF this guy is important to you and you see a future with him.. it's past time to introduce him to your Mom and Dad. Just My opionion...
Author babybear Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 Well, I think the problem is that his mom thinks I have not taken him home because of his religion/skin color/race...when it has NOTHING whatsoever to do with race. It's about the fact that my parents don't believe in dating, don't believe in pre-marital sex, and would expect me to marry him if I took him home. And yea, I know it's the year 2005 and all that - but this is just how the situation is. I don't think it's right and I don't like it, but I can't throw the family into upheaval like that, and expect my parents to understand. So, if we were engaged, yea...we'd be on our way to their house now, but we're not quite ready to be engaged either. I see how his mom could be wondering about my intentions...I didn't think about that before. But would it help if he explained the situation to her? Bb
Merin Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Originally posted by babybear Well, I think the problem is that his mom thinks I have not taken him home because of his religion/skin color/race...when it has NOTHING whatsoever to do with race. It's about the fact that my parents don't believe in dating, don't believe in pre-marital sex, and would expect me to marry him if I took him home. And yea, I know it's the year 2005 and all that - but this is just how the situation is. I don't think it's right and I don't like it, but I can't throw the family into upheaval like that, and expect my parents to understand. So, if we were engaged, yea...we'd be on our way to their house now, but we're not quite ready to be engaged either. I see how his mom could be wondering about my intentions...I didn't think about that before. But would it help if he explained the situation to her? Bb BB.. I don't follow you girl.. You said that your parents wouldn't understand because they are Indian and your BF is White.. right? So yeah IMO it does have to do with race.. You're 25 years old and living on your own.. just because your dating someone doesn't need to tell your parents your having sex with him. Your parents may have old fashioned ideas about no sex before marriage (and thats fine for them to feel that way) but not understanding that your a grown woman who dates? Thats (IMO) ridiculous. How could your parents possibly expect you to become engaged to someone IF you NEVER dated anyone? See what I'm saying? Just doesn't work like that.. and they know that. Be sure of what you're feeling and saying BEFORE you ever attemt to talk to his Mom regarding this.. Good Luck
sweetpea01 Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 I actually have an Indian girl friend who has had a bf for 7 years, and not taken him home! They met when she was 16, and now she's 23 I think. I don't think he's super happy about that, but I don't think he takes it to mean she is not serious about him either. She is always having to make up something for when she wants to go away on weekends with him - so I think he knows her parents are strict. I think BB is trying to say that even if her bf were Indian, she would not be able to take him home either? It's a tough situation. Maybe BB, your bf could explain to his mom that your parents are really strict? Does she know that your bf knows all your siblings and friends? I could totally see where she is coming from, I'd be wondering the same thing if it were my child....but I know from a lot of my friends how strict parents can be about this. g-luck! Sweetpea
Merin Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Originally posted by sweetpea01 I actually have an Indian girl friend who has had a bf for 7 years, and not taken him home! They met when she was 16, and now she's 23 I think. I don't think he's super happy about that, but I don't think he takes it to mean she is not serious about him either. She is always having to make up something for when she wants to go away on weekends with him - so I think he knows her parents are strict. I think BB is trying to say that even if her bf were Indian, she would not be able to take him home either? It's a tough situation. Maybe BB, your bf could explain to his mom that your parents are really strict? Does she know that your bf knows all your siblings and friends? I could totally see where she is coming from, I'd be wondering the same thing if it were my child....but I know from a lot of my friends how strict parents can be about this. g-luck! Sweetpea My BF is Indian.. so I dunno, maybe this is just a issue for BB's Parents. However again.. how could you possibley get engaged IF you never dated? I still think that once you're a grown person and not living at home that while it's good to go to have respect for your parents, there also comes a time when you've got to be independant and make adult decisions for yourself.. this does't diminish respect for your folks. I could understand this being an issue if You were under age.. then yes your parents do have a say in if they will allow you to date or not.. Dunno.. guess it's just me.
Author babybear Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 Originally posted by Merin My BF is Indian.. so I dunno, maybe this is just a issue for BB's Parents. However again.. how could you possibley get engaged IF you never dated? I still think that once you're a grown person and not living at home that while it's good to go to have respect for your parents, there also comes a time when you've got to be independant and make adult decisions for yourself.. this does't diminish respect for your folks. I could understand this being an issue if You were under age.. then yes your parents do have a say in if they will allow you to date or not.. Dunno.. guess it's just me. Hey Girl, yea...I hear what your saying. And I know its like, WTF, she's 25! Let her do what she wants! They're barely starting to understand you have to date to meet the one. They had an arranged marriage themselves, so they don't understand this whole - we go to the movies...we go out to dinner...he sleeps at my house, thing. My mom is more liberal than my dad though. And I think it's more that I want to ruffle as few feathers as possible...and I want to introduce my bf when I know he is the one. If it turns out he's not, and I start dating a new guy...they're gonna freak. I admire, and have alwyas admired those friends of mine that could talk to their parents about their bf's...I just couldn't. I was not even allowed to have a prom date! I did of course...but I just met him there. I've invited him over to my parents house for big parties and stuff as another one of my friends. Or maybe I am underestimating my parents, and they really do want to know! Who knows...maybe they'd even be happy. But as of now, I just know it isn't the right time...and I don't want his mom to mistake my confusion about how to intrduce him, for my lack of caring about her son and my bf..... Bb
Merin Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Originally posted by babybear Hey Girl, yea...I hear what your saying. And I know its like, WTF, she's 25! Let her do what she wants! They're barely starting to understand you have to date to meet the one. They had an arranged marriage themselves, so they don't understand this whole - we go to the movies...we go out to dinner...he sleeps at my house, thing. My mom is more liberal than my dad though. And I think it's more that I want to ruffle as few feathers as possible...and I want to introduce my bf when I know he is the one. If it turns out he's not, and I start dating a new guy...they're gonna freak. I admire, and have alwyas admired those friends of mine that could talk to their parents about their bf's...I just couldn't. I was not even allowed to have a prom date! I did of course...but I just met him there. I've invited him over to my parents house for big parties and stuff as another one of my friends. Or maybe I am underestimating my parents, and they really do want to know! Who knows...maybe they'd even be happy. But as of now, I just know it isn't the right time...and I don't want his mom to mistake my confusion about how to intrduce him, for my lack of caring about her son and my bf..... Bb Well sista just a few things to keep in mind.. NOTHING is certain LOL know what I mean? Yes I do understand that you don't want your Parents to get the idea that your BF is the ONE if you're not certain yourself.. and I can even understand if the 2 of them had an arranged marriage that they may have old world ideas..but I also believe that you're parents are probably a hella lot more savey then you think they are about the *New world of dating* As a Mom myself.. and even though my Little Peeps are freakin light years away from even thinking boys aren't gross I can understand why his Mom would be upset.. 3 years is a long time for the 2 of you to have dated ya know? After 3 years.. will there ever be a *right time* to introduce your BF to your folks? So yeah.. just a different look I guess. Do what you feel is best BB.. but do it for the *right reasons*
GirlDown Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 so, wait...any guy that you would bring home, they expect you to marry?
Mr Spock Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Pick one life, or the other. Stop d*cking around with people's feelings. Either live the life you were taught or tell them you are dating a white boy. "I like you enough to date you, but not marry you" is kind of a bullsh*t relationship don't you think? Why not try dating someone that you can actually see a future with? The fact that you're living on your own indicates your parents are more liberal than you think. Why not try being honest? Unless of course you think you would be punished for dishonoring your family. There are fathers out there like that.
Author babybear Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 Originally posted by Mr Spock Pick one life, or the other. Stop d*cking around with people's feelings. Either live the life you were taught or tell them you are dating a white boy. "I like you enough to date you, but not marry you" is kind of a bullsh*t relationship don't you think? Why not try dating someone that you can actually see a future with? The fact that you're living on your own indicates your parents are more liberal than you think. Why not try being honest? Unless of course you think you would be punished for dishonoring your family. There are fathers out there like that. I never said I wouldn't marry him. I would totally marry him...and I see it going down that road. I am not engaged to him YET however, b/c neither of us are ready or certain of it yet. And that's totally mutual. We met at 21..we were young...and we don't want to rush anything. I talked to my mom about this...asked her how she'd feel if I married a white guy...and she said...well, either you win, or your father and I win...someones gotta lose... It's a lot of pressure...and a lot of drama...and I want to only have them completely pissed off at me for the man I am going to marry. I wouldnt be punished physically or beaten or anything...they might just not talk to me for awhile.... It's crappy, I know... Bb
Author babybear Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 Originally posted by GirlDown so, wait...any guy that you would bring home, they expect you to marry? Pretty much...it's not like I can bring home flavor of the week... Bb
Mr Spock Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 I can see why you are reluctant to bring this guy home-but then again, if you're dating him against your upbringing you should be mature enough to face the consequences. IE if your culture is dead set against pre marital sex and you engage in it, you need to be able to stand behind your actions. If your BF is happy with the situation, let it drop for now.
Author babybear Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 Originally posted by Mr Spock I can see why you are reluctant to bring this guy home-but then again, if you're dating him against your upbringing you should be mature enough to face the consequences. IE if your culture is dead set against pre marital sex and you engage in it, you need to be able to stand behind your actions. If your BF is happy with the situation, let it drop for now. That's the problem...my bf is okay with it...but his mother is not. She thinks it means I don't love him enough, or I am not serious enough about him. My bf gets it, cause his grandparents (very traditional Jewish) actually got up off the couch and walked outside to leave the house when they first met me and saw I was Indian. He knows my parents aren't seeing what matters, just like his grandparents aren't either. Bb
Mr Spock Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 My bf gets it, cause his grandparents (very traditional Jewish) actually got up off the couch and walked outside to leave the house when they first met me and saw I was Indian. He knows my parents aren't seeing what matters, just like his grandparents aren't either Yeah, but at least he brought you to meet them. You can't say on one hand you would "totally" marry him and yet on the other say you don't want to go through the hassle if you aren't going to marry him, you're contradicting yourself. If he can tell his mother to stay out of his business, then don't worry about it for now.
GirlDown Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Originally posted by babybear Pretty much...it's not like I can bring home flavor of the week... Bb 3 years is hardly flavour of the week. sometimes people date quite a few people before they marry...
bubblygrl5 Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 It's simple. Mom is watching out for her son. Nothing wrong with that - it's what she's there for. You're offended cause you think she's doubting your intentions. You say the problem is btwn. you and his mom...and not your bf, so obviously he understands, and you have done your job of explaining the situation to him. I wouldnt stress out over her. If you love him, and you feel you have to do this - then don't let other ppl's opinions get you down. They don't know the whole story. If your bf is still with you after 3 years, and you are not fighting about this, I would say he's secure in the relationship, and doesn't think you're playing around with him. Good luck girl! Bubbly
lucilley Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 BB you shouldnt worry about what his mother feels unless your boyfriend starts to see her opinions as valid. it's nice when a boyfriend's mother likes you, but it's not necessary. some people cannot accept things that are different from what they are used to, in this case, it just might be the fact that an indian girl is dating her son. if your boyfriend understands your reasons for not taking him to meet your parents, it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks.
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