I'm terrified to like someone again

[amkxoxo]

So I can feel myself drifting into that new excited 'I have a crush" mentality, and I dont know how I feel about it. After my last relationship/fling, which left me hurt beyond repair, I swore I would never fall victim to liking someone first again. I'm terrified. I gave everything I had to this last guy and I was so deeply in love with him and he broke my heart. I was so dark, depressed, and lifeless inside. I have since gotten over it, but once in a while people tell me the light is gone from my eyes. Once in a while I still feel the tad bit of sadness creeping in for what I lost. Random strangers have approached me out places to ask if I am okay. At first it freaks me out, but then they explain how my face and my eyes look very sad. I dont even realize this is happening. I dated a few people after my ex. One I broke up with because I didnt like his lifestyle. One was a complete idiot and was bad to me. The last one, he was great. He was the perfect guy for me, but unfortunately he got a job opportunity and moved far away. I am alone.

 

My good friend introduced me to these two guy friends of hers a few months ago. We have gone out a handful of times together and we always have fun. I didnt think anything of it, but every time we go out, one of the guys, Dan, and I strike up conversation and we talk and talk and talk. Its like we ignore everyone else for just a little while. He is cute. He has a nice personality. He is extremely well liked by a lot of people. Popular, you could say. He has a ton of facebook friends, compared to me who likes to keep mine a bit smaller and people I actually like. But when we talk we seem to have a lot in common. I think he uses his extreme outgoing personality as a front for who is really is. He is very funny and a jokester, but with me he seems more serious and laid back. I think he is afraid of getting hurt by people. But I don't know this for sure. Which is funny because, I do the same thing but in a different way. I try to appear perfect, posied, classy, and good as a front for my true real personality because I am afraid of people coming in and judging me. Which in turn can hurt me. Last time we hung out we talked and talked and talked. I hope I didn't bore him. Sometimes I can get chatty. He didnt seem to mind. The four of us were hanging out at my apartment like we do often and he and I wandered into my bedroom, sat on the floor and talked for probably over an hour. We talked about life, and things we like, and our families, and friends, and the future, and past relationships got briefly brought up.

 

My girlfriend who introduced me to him had told me that he had a girlfriend in later high school into college and they were in love. She said when they broke up it was heartbreaking for him. My friend stressed how beautiful she was. Way to make me feel self conscious. He mentioned her the other night and told me that when they both seperated for college they started having problems and then he tried to spend all his free time with her and it wasnt appreciated and then they broke up. He said he started appreciating his family and friends more and how important they are and that they care about him. I could relate to all of this. I love my family and appreciate them more than anything. He said the relationship left him jaded. I told him I could relate and that I had been through similar with the guy I was with. I told him how the guy left me high and dry when I was really medically sick and I realized I couldn't have someone like that around me. We talked about the future and what we want to do. I complained about my newely acquired desk job, thinking I was going to love it, but actually not liking being cooped up in a cubicle. I told him how I miss a lot of the hobbies I used to like doing, because of work I dont get to really do them anymore. He told me what his future goals were. He wants to travel. He is graduating college really soon, and he said how he would like to travel and do things with the world. I admired this. He atleast wanted to work. Some guys I have met are lazy and not motivated. He said because of a family circumstance he doesnt think he will be able to take off and travel right after college like he wants, and will have to wait a few years. He said he hates this because otherwise he has no ties. He said how he was single, jobless, and his friends won't miss him that much and the longer he waits to travel the more ties he will have holding him here.

 

This made me sad because to me that expresses that he wasnt interested in dating anyone. I dont even know if he likes me at all. We talk and have a good time in my eyes, but he seems to be friendly and have a lot of friends, girls and guys, so he may just be that way with everyone. Because of this and my immense fear of liking someone who could hurt me, I keep denying that I like him, but I keep thinking of him. I do like him. My girlfriend was asking if I did and I told her we were just talking anf just friends for now. I keep denying it because I dont want to put myself in a position to have feelings for someone and then them leave to pursue life goals. That happened with my ex and I couldn't bear it again. I keep trying to keep my happiness and interest for him locked away. it doesnt exist. I'm intrigued by him. We talk about liking to go hiking and he knows great places to go. He has special access because of where his school is to all these trails and stuff. He tells me that if I ever want to go or try it out to let him know. He goes to school a state away and has an apartment. He tells me that if I ever want to spend time there to let him know and I can stay at his place. He offers his place to my girlfriend too, since they are good friends.

[mitzimojo1]

and see what develops.

 

It seems like you have a lot in common and who knows what can develop out of a friendship. And if you give it time you can guard your heart from letting someone in too quickly, someone who might hurt you but who also might not hurt you.

 

Don't feel intimidated by his ex girlfriend. It doesn't matter how you compare to her. She is his ex. And his travel plans etc are his expression of his hopes and dreams, not a statement that he doesn't want to date.

 

Let him know you are open to seeing each other. Accept a hiking day. And just be open to what comes.

[Ieris]

That's really nice, take it slow and really get to know him more before going any further. People are always nice at the beginning, that's how I fell for the last guy but he turned out to be a compulsive liar and cheat, that's how I ended up on loveshack

 

So just enjoy what you have now and see where it takes you.. x