I have a crush and I am so lost

[amkxoxo]

So I can feel myself drifting into that new excited 'I have a crush" mentality. And I dont know how I feel about it. After my last relationship/fling, which left me hurt beyond repair, I swore I would never fall victim to liking someone first again. I'm terrified. I gave everything I had to this last guy and I was so deeply in love with him and he broke my heart. I was so dark, depressed, and lifeless inside. I have since gotten over it, btu once in a while people tell me the light is gone from my eyes. Once in a while I still feel the tad bit of sadness creeping in forwhat I lost. Random stranger have approached me out places to ask if I am okay. At first it freaks me out, but then they explain how my face and my eyes look very sad. I dont even realize this is happening. I dated a few people after my ex. One I broke up with because I didnt like his lifestyle. One was a complete idiot and was bad to me. The last one, he was great. He was the perfect guy for me, but unfortunately he got a job opportunity and moved far away. I am alone.

 

My good friend introduced me to these two guy friends of hers a few months ago. We have gone out a handful of times and we always have fun. I didnt think anything of it, but every time we go out, one of the guys, Dan, and I strike up conversation and we talk and talk and talk. He is cute. He has a nice personality. He is extremely well like by a lot of people. Popular, you could say. He has a ton of facebook friends, compared to me who likes to keep mine a bit smaller and people I actually like. But when we talk we seem to have a lot in common. I think he uses his outgoing personality as a front for who is really is. Which is funny because, I do the same thing but in a different way. I try to appear perfect, posied, classy, and good as a front for my true real personality because I am afraid of people coming in and judging me. Which in turn can hurt me. Last time we hung out we talked and talked and talked. I hope I didnt bore him. Sometimes I can get chatty. He didnt seem to mind. We were hanging out at my apartment and we wandered into my bedroom, sat on the floor and talked for probably over an hour. We talked about life, and things we like, and our families, and friends, and the future, and past relationships got briefly brought up.

 

My girlfriend who introduced me to him had told me that he had a girlfriend in later high school into college and they were in love. She said when they broke up it was heartbreaking for him. My friend stressed how beautiful she was. Way to make me feel self conscious. He mentioned her the other night and told me that when they both seperated for college they started having problems and then he tried to spend all his free time with her and it wasnt appreciated and then they broke up. He said he started appreciating his family and friends more and how important they are. I could relate to all of this. I love my family and appreciate them more than anything. He said the relationship left him jaded. I told him I could relate and that I had been through similar. We talked about the future and what we want to do. I complained about my newely acquired desk job, thinking I was going to love it, but actually not liking being cooped up in a cubicle. I told him how I miss a lot of the hobbies I used to like doing, because of work I dont get to really do them anymore. He told me what his future goals were. He wants to travel. He is graduating college really soon, and he said how he would like to travel and do things with the world. I admired this. He atleast wanted to work. Some guys I have met are lazy and not motivated. He said because of a family circumstance he doesnt think he will be able to take off and travel right after college like he wants, and will have to wait a few years. He said he hates this because otherwise he has no ties. He said how he was single, jobless, and his friends won't miss him that much and the longer he waits to travel the more ties he will have holding him here.

 

This made me sad because to me that expresses that he wasnt interested in dating anyone. I dont even know if he likes me at all. We talk and have a good time in my eyes, but he seems to be friendly and have a lot of friends girls, and guys, so he may just be that way with everyone. Because of this and my immense fear of liking someone who could hurt me, I keep denying that I like him, but I keep thinking of him. I do like him. My girlfriend was asking if I did and I told her we were just talking anf just friends for now. I keep denying it because I dont want to put myself in a position to have feelings for someone and then them leave to pursue life goals. That happened with my ex and I couldnt bear it again. I keep trying to keep my happiness and interest for him locked away. it doesnt exist. I'm intirgued by him. We talk about liking to go hiking and he knows great places to go. He has special access because of where his school is to all these trails and stuff. He tells me that if I ever want to go or try it out to let him know. He goes to school a state away and has an apartment. He tells me that if I ever want to spend time there to let him know and I can stay at his place. He offers his place to my girlfriend too, since they are good friends.

 

I like him, but he may not like me. He may just be like my ex who doesnt want a serious relationship. He doesn't seem like he has been with any girls in years since his ex. My comfort pillow for this is missing my ex. I miss my ex more than anything because he is my fall back guy. To cope with liking someone else and the fear I have, I miss my ex. How messed up is that? That guy hasnt said anything to his friend about liking me. he hasn't said anything to my girlfriend about liking me either. But my ex never told anyone either. He was a very private person. And I dont know how guys operate. Girls are always running to each other to spill the beans about their new crush. Maybe men arent like that. He may not like me at all. I am in the state of mind that I refuse to make a move because he should. I made way to many moves in my last relationship and it broke me down so far. I did everything I could and it made no difference. I dont know how to process my new feelings. I think because I have a crush on this new guy, Dan that I am falling into that mindset that he is better than me and I am not as good as him. Not as cool, good looking, fun as him.

[d0nnivain]

There is just so much in here.

 

First if you are so depressed & on the verge of crying to the point where random strangers come up to you & ask if you are OK, get help. That is an extreme reaction to have for a prolonged period.

 

Second, new people are not your EX. They will not treat you the same way. It's unfair for you to judge new people based on your EX

 

Be very careful about bringing men you barely know and are not intimate with into your bedroom. The location alone, other than a dorm room, send a certain signal. Why did you have to talk to him in your bedroom? What was wrong with the living room or kitchen?

 

You're friend's statement to you that Dan's high school / college GF was beautiful tells me your friend also thinks that you are beautiful. She's not trying to undermine your self esteem. She's trying to bolster it. The fact that you automatically concluded that you're not good enough indicates you have self esteem issues. Get them addressed.

 

His disclosures about his travel goals do not mean he is not interested in you. He's making conversation. He's sharing plans he formulated before he ever knew you. You can't expect him to throw them out because he now knows your name. Graduation is also a long way off. Plus he said he probably won't be able to go anyway so he's just sharing some unrealistic goals with you.

 

In my last year of grad school, I waxed poetic about wanting to move to California. It's almost 25 years later but I haven't left this state permanently yet. It's just talk. Calm down.

 

You have to stop being afraid. Life goes in one direction -- forward. To say you are reluctant to try again because you are afraid the person will leave you to go pursue life goals is going to leave you in a perpetual frozen state of unhappiness. You need to find a way to roll with the punches.

 

Then again, the fact that he goes to school a state away from you doesn't bode well. Because you are so scared & hung up on your EX you are in no condition to maintain an LDR which requires a tremendous amount of trust. See him, even date him casually, NSA, while he's home for the holidays but don't try to build anything exclusive. You will be too paranoid & it will end badly.

 

This last sentiment is heartbreaking:

I am falling into that mindset that he is better than me and I am not as good as him. Not as cool, good looking, fun as him.

Until you believe in yourself you will not be able to move forward.

[amkxoxo]

The thing is I am no longer super depressed. And I do not go around looking like I am on the verge of crying. I was at a bar one night and some girl told me I looked sad. And another time I was walking back to my office from the bathroom, no sadness there. I don't feel that sad, but I guess my face looks it. It makes me laugh because I don't even realize I appear to look sad to other people.

 

I didn't think about the bedroom thing until after. All four of us had been in there because the two guys wanted to see my room and my roommates. I wanted to show him something so we went back in there. We only sat on the floor, which was initiated by me. To me, sitting on my bed seemed too much of sending a bad signal. I sat on the floor. A minute later so did he. I am not that type of girl and I hope he realized that. His guy friend came over every so often. My girlfriend said while they were in the other room, his guy friend kept making comments about us being alone in my bedroom, and then she said he was shocked that we weren't doing anything when he came to check in. My girlfriend also let him know that I wasn't that type of girl.

 

I'm afraid of liking someone too much and them not liking me. I like this guy. I don't know if he likes me enough or at all. He has a lot of friends that are girls. I think I'm pretty. We get along. I just don't know if he even wants any sort of relationship. He said he was jaded by his last relationship which was years ago. I don't know what that means at all. I said I had also experienced something bad a year ago. Maybe he doesn't take me seriously. I have no idea what he thinks. I need to not care and let it progress. I think his guy friend thinks he likes me, but he hasn't shown or said anything to me or his guy friend that I know of to say f he does or not. Unless my girlfriend makes plans with all of us going out. She is kind of the go between. He doesn't talk to me, nor me him. But when we get together and we talk just the two of us we talk and talk and get to know each other better. Literally sometimes I forget its not just the two of us. Then our friends bring us back to earth and he will run over to join them with me.

 

The last time we hung out a group of us went to a bar. My girlfriend Kelley, Dan, his buddy, and me. Kelley invited this girl who I didn't know at all, and the guys didn't know very well. Well that girl ended up getting real drunk and she was a mess. Dan's guy friend was holding her. Kelley was scatterbrained and running all over the place. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know her and I don't do well with drunk people. Dan didn't know what to do either. He and I had been talking earlier in the night. It was strange. He was so friendly with me. When the whole drunk friend thing broke out, Dan was like "Hey Alex lets go to the bar and get some water." I was all okay. It was a crowded night at the bar and people were everywhere. While trying to get through to the bar, this huge man was backing up into me, almost crushing me and pining me in my spot. Dan came to my rescue and pushed him away making room for me before I could get crushed. I said thank you and laughed at the man almost crushing me. I thought it was nice. We went to the bar and hung out while the waited for the bartender. It was fun.

 

When we got back, Kelley's friend was even worse. Kelley had been outside trying to make some phone calls for the girl. Dan started to get mad at Kelley. He and his buddy kept saying how I was nothing like Kelley. I didn't understand at first, but I then later realized they thought Kelley wasn't helping enough and they were mad that they had to deal with her friend.

 

I don't know if anything will happen with Dan. I like him. I should get to know him better. He isn't pursuing me. I am going to sit back and just be me. Its so hard when you realize you like someone. I keep finding myself being more nervous around him since I like him. I know he has gone out and done thing with Kelley before. Just him and her, not a date. Maybe he is just a friendly guy. He seemed to like my company.

[shet]

Have you ever demonstrated to him a bit of brass, some capability with men? Flirted? How aware would he be of the focus you place on him? You sound like you project fragility, he could be hesitant to shatter that without some idea you wouldn't feel disappointed in him and the genial relationship you've formed together if he made a move.

[amkxoxo]

I'm a shy girl. But when I have some drinks in me I feel I can be flirty, sarcastic, and sassy. I say how I really feel. He has big muscles, I have teased him here and there about it, and then we talk about our mutual liking of working out. He seems to like this. I challenged him that I thought I was stronger than him, because looks are deceiving. I was flirting, joking. I backed down when he wanted us to prove it. I am a nice sweet girl, and sometimes that can come across as frail. I don't realize it until its too late. I try to project coolness and easygoing nature, but sometimes when drinks are involved I end up spilling the beans about everything I think about everyone and my true feelings come out. I don't find that frail. We were talking about life. I mentioned how I had a falling out with my best friend from high school. He mentioned his ex. I mentioned mine. We talked about psychics and how cool they are. We talked about our futures and jobs and college and people and family. I don't know how I came across. I am not one to be a huge flirt because it means putting myself out there to be crushed by actually liking someone who may not like you back.

 

When I realize I like someone I get all nervous about it. I can already feel myself not being myself. Sensoring me. Trying to impress. Not bring myself. I keep wanting to post things on social media in hopes he sees it and hr thinks it's funny. When normally I wouldn't do that. I keep thinking of what he wants in a girl instead of being the girl I am. I have done this before and I hate it. I can't help it I have a crush. Sometimes I do get into the frail mentality looking for my Knight in shining armor. When I know I am totally capable of taking care of myself. Im so independent and then I like someone and its all out the window. Normally I don't need anyone. But I get this notion in my head that this person I need to make me happy because being with them makes me happy. I have to keep myself grounded. Like I'm terrified to see him again now because now that I'm crushing on him I'm afraid of being super awkward.

Edited December 16, 2014 by amkxoxo

[amkxoxo]

And this is why I am the way I am. I have a crush on this guy. Its normal. I kept telling myself that he didn't like me. There were no signs he did. All we did was talk. Why would he like me?

 

Then later today he sent me a Facebook message. My inner romantic was doing cartwheels. This was a sign. He wanted to talk to me. We went back and forth randomly a few times. Then he throws in "So you know we want to have a big new years party and we have no place to have it. Is your apartment in the mix?"

 

He just wanted to know about my apartment. He just wants my apartment to have a party. We had talked about it but i didn't think he was gutsy enough to just ask me.

 

I was hurt. I thought he genuinely wanted to talk with me. I used his bluntness against him saying "Oh so thats why you want to talk to me. You want my apartment."

 

I tried to make it a joke, but to me serious. He joked back claiming that he is also a social butterfly. I then took that and said "For a social butterfly you can't seem to find anyone to throw a new years party."

 

He laughed and said how everyone has been failing him, and he is relying on me. Like hell I'm having a party. I am not just someone you talk to when you want someone. Screw it.