scatterd Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Today I looked at face book I thought I would check my husbands page because I kept it up for him because he quit doing it. I found he befriended his high school sweet heart and was talking about meeting. I am pissed you would have to read my past post but out of the blue he asked for divorce and has been abusive since. I was going to wait until after the holidays to file the papers. which I fill he wanted it and should have done his self. Do to his mental abuse I came up with enough money to retain an attorney. He said he has never cheated and wont so many times but his actions have proved other wise.Today is the first time he was crying that I know of. We did not communicate with ex's from the beginning and it was a mutual understanding. He has changed his pass words and secretly talks on phone. I have to say today is my last straw.If a man is doing all of this is it because he is cheating or do you think it could be mid life?Why so much anger also he drinks a lot. I am devastated.You would think after 21 years of marriage he would have some respect but he snapped he is not the same at all.Any comments would help.
Hardgrind Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Scattered, after our D-Day it took me a few months to really get it, but I learned to put a lot more weight on my STBXW's actions than what she said. What they say is often a reflection of how they view themselves and you in the fantasy bubble that they created to justify/allow the affair. Their actions are a better indicator of what you can expect from them going forward. If he is befriending an old flame and talking about meeting, he either doesn't know where the proper boundaries belong, or he is very selfish and just doesn't care. His words saying he never cheated mean nothing if his actions include attempts to reconnect with old flames. Being secretive about passwords and accounts are more actions that belie all his words. The anger is to keep you off balance and assuage any guilt he is feeling. In his mind he is justifying his actions because of you. That is bull crap and he knows it, but if he can keep gas lighting you he will. My advice is see an attorney and get any protection orders in place that you may need to protect you from additional abuse. 4
Furious Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 (edited) Today I looked at face book I thought I would check my husbands page because I kept it up for him because he quit doing it. I found he befriended his high school sweet heart and was talking about meeting. I am pissed you would have to read my past post but out of the blue he asked for divorce and has been abusive since. I was going to wait until after the holidays to file the papers. which I fill he wanted it and should have done his self. Do to his mental abuse I came up with enough money to retain an attorney. He said he has never cheated and wont so many times but his actions have proved other wise.Today is the first time he was crying that I know of. We did not communicate with ex's from the beginning and it was a mutual understanding. He has changed his pass words and secretly talks on phone. I have to say today is my last straw.If a man is doing all of this is it because he is cheating or do you think it could be mid life?Why so much anger also he drinks a lot. I am devastated.You would think after 21 years of marriage he would have some respect but he snapped he is not the same at all.Any comments would help. Dear Scatterd Your husband is making your life intolerable, and it seems you're questioning your own reality about him. He treats you terribly, and lies to you. Good for you in retaining a lawyer and putting your foot down and putting yourself first. My heart goes out to you and I'm rooting for you to reassert yourself and maintain your own best interest in the now and in the future. Be smart, be strong and listen to your gut. In your heat of hearts you know the answers to your own questions. Edited December 15, 2014 by Furious Correction 3
turnera Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 He's cheating. He treats you like crap. That's all you need to know. And if you're harboring a secret desire to get him to stop cheating and want you again and respect you, the best way is to file the papers and let him see you moving on. 2
fellini Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 You mention abusive, so Ill pick up on that. Find out how you can prepare for any unexpected abuse on your person by him before you put papers or whatever you intend to do on the table. Make sure you have a SAFE EXIT plan. Make sure someone is going to be able to get you out and in a safe place to live. If this man is abusive when you speak about things that are true, and he is behaving in ways that you do not see or deem to be "natural" - like throwing his emotions out for the first time - please make sure you are ready if he throws something else at you that you least expect. Your personal safety is far more important than your using divorce papers to show him who is in charge. He might have other ideas about that. Wouldn't be the first man to react badly to news he is not prepared to hear. 1
Author scatterd Posted December 16, 2014 Author Posted December 16, 2014 I am depleted here I am trying to get through Christmas for my Grandchildren. I am hurt and have lost all respect for this man he holds no responsibility for his actions. My want for him is gone he is a cruel person now and every time I look at that Grinch that stole Christmas it reminds me of him. This is his loss I did him good and was always loyal I told him everything but no more its unfixable on my part. He is playing hurtful games and poor excuse of a man. I thank you for the support it means so much.Hard grind you made a lot of since as for the rest of you.I cant wait until the holidays are over the Grinch stole it this year.LOL Big Hugs and thanks 2
spanz1 Posted December 16, 2014 Posted December 16, 2014 holidays are by far the worst time for this stuff to take place. Everyone else seems to be having fun and cuddling, and you are walking around with a dagger in your back trying to pretend everything is fine. Sounds like you have decided to divorce. So make the best of it. tell him you are ok with divorcing him...soon. If he want to meet up with his old HS flame, that is fine with you, but you will be looking for companionship too. And spell out exactly which holiday events he HAS TO be available and civil for, like family get-togethers. If given some space like that, he will probably improve in attitude and at least be tolerable for a while. Find a nice date for new years eve though! I am sure there are plenty of similarly "single" men around looking for some fun on new years eve. maybe a GF can hook you up with one.
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