Weightlesswings Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 I really don't want to go away for a week with my boyfriend and his friends for new years eve. I'm an extremely shy person, I have social anxiety and these bunch of 10 people really intimidate me. It makes me sick to go. The guys are all nice people but we don't have anything in common and they always talk about stuff in the past or people I don't know so I can't add to the conversation and just sit there in silence. The girls on the other hand are really nasty who just don't seem to like me, they even question my boyfriend why he's with me which makes me really not even want to bother to get to know them. They talk behind my back and when my boyfriend encourages them to talk to me they murmur under their breath and say stuff like id rather not or walk off when I sit near them. I'm a nice person so I don't know what their problem is? I'm feeling sick with just the thought of going because I know I'll be excluded and I won't be able to be with my boyfriend 24/7. It's also causing a lot of dramas between us because his friends "won't want to be his friend" if he ditches them for me. None of my friends are able to afford to come either.
DivorcedDad123 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Sounds like he needs new friends if the one's he has can't accept the girl he's dating. They can't be as nice as you say if they'll "ditch him" for spending time with you.
veggirl Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Have you told him that the girls are mean to you? That you feel uncomfortable when they all spend days reminiscing and you have nothing to contribute? He needs to compromise with you. Why does it have to be for a WEEK? Could you go maybe for the weekend and then come back? He could stay with them or come back with you? 1
d0nnivain Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Is there any possibility that you will get alone time with your BF on this trip or will it be a group thing the whole time? When the friends talk about people you don't know, ask Qs. It will help you understand their shared past. The girls are probably misinterpreting your social anxiety. They may see your shyness as you being b1tchy & cold toward them. I'm not saying you are those things. I am saying it's another way to look at the situation. Are any one of the girls more friendly than the others? Can you get her alone & be nice to her in the hopes that she will bring you into the group?
Author Weightlesswings Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Whenever I hang out with them even my boyfriend just leaves me by myself thinking I'll be fine to just hang out with the others, but I'm shy and they will all get up and do whatever with eachother and not say on hey come do ...... With us and I'm left sitting by myself None of them bother to get to know me and claim they've trjed so hard I feel sick with the thought of going but I know it means so much to my boyfriend but I know I'll just want to go home the entire time My boyfriend won't compromise to stay less days either my best friend was meant to come with me so im more comfortable but she bailed Is there any possibility that you will get alone time with your BF on this trip or will it be a group thing the whole time? When the friends talk about people you don't know, ask Qs. It will help you understand their shared past. The girls are probably misinterpreting your social anxiety. They may see your shyness as you being b1tchy & cold toward them. I'm not saying you are those things. I am saying it's another way to look at the situation. Are any one of the girls more friendly than the others? Can you get her alone & be nice to her in the hopes that she will bring you into the group?
veggirl Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Why won't he compromise on only staying for a few days? Your bf is sounding kind of like an ass. If he wants you to get to know his friends he should understanding going into a big new group is intimidating for a LOT of people...he should be bringing them around for you to meet/get to know individually or something. Why don't YOU just go for a few days and come back yourself? 1
Author Weightlesswings Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 I think because he's such an out going guy he doesn't realise how hard it is for me and just wants me to suck it up, but I'm honestly extremely intimidated because they're already such close friends and I'm the new girl, they've all known each other since high school and they're 23/24 now The plan was for me and my best friend to go ourselves just for a few days but she bailed so now I don't have a way to get thefe and back for a few days it's either seven or none Why won't he compromise on only staying for a few days? Your bf is sounding kind of like an ass. If he wants you to get to know his friends he should understanding going into a big new group is intimidating for a LOT of people...he should be bringing them around for you to meet/get to know individually or something. Why don't YOU just go for a few days and come back yourself?
beautifulinside2 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 I am in a similar situation but realize if you can't get along with his friends then it may soon be the end of the relationship. These friends seem to be an important part of his life so I suggest you suck it up like he says or be true to yourself and don't go but I think that would affect your relationship
d0nnivain Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Have you tried telling him I realize you are an outgoing person & that's one of things I like about you, but I'm not like that. Could you please spend some more time with me when we are out in groups? I'm just not comfortable & it's really awful when you leave me all alone. I would like to get to know the girls better but they seem not to like me so if you could smooth that, I'd really appreciate it. Otherwise, I'm not sure how this is going to work because I am already dreading this New Years' trip. I'd bail if I could get my money back. 2
smackie9 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Sounds like you need a new BF. If you can't fit into his social life, then there is no point in being with him. There's the reality...you are not socially compatible. This in itself should be a deal breaker. BTW they act that way because they are responding to your anxiety....you make them uncomfortable too. It shouldn't be that way but that is just the way human nature is. I just wouldn't go if I were you, what's the point? I would start reassessing this relationship while he is gone. 3
clia Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 I really don't want to go away for a week with my boyfriend and his friends for new years eve. I'm an extremely shy person, I have social anxiety and these bunch of 10 people really intimidate me. It makes me sick to go. The guys are all nice people but we don't have anything in common and they always talk about stuff in the past or people I don't know so I can't add to the conversation and just sit there in silence. The girls on the other hand are really nasty who just don't seem to like me, they even question my boyfriend why he's with me which makes me really not even want to bother to get to know them. They talk behind my back and when my boyfriend encourages them to talk to me they murmur under their breath and say stuff like id rather not or walk off when I sit near them. I'm a nice person so I don't know what their problem is? I'm feeling sick with just the thought of going because I know I'll be excluded and I won't be able to be with my boyfriend 24/7. It's also causing a lot of dramas between us because his friends "won't want to be his friend" if he ditches them for me. None of my friends are able to afford to come either. If you are going to be that miserable, you shouldn't go. But if you don't go, you should probably think long and hard about whether or not this relationship is going to work. Your boyfriend is an extrovert, these are his friends, that likely isn't going to change. There are always going to be group events going forward, getting together for birthdays, Superbowl, etc. where you are going to have to interact with other people, including these girls. If you want to be with him, you are going to have to interact with them. Are you seeing a therapist or taking any medication for your social anxiety? I'm wondering if your shyness is coming across as you being bland, cold and bitchy and that's why the girls have this reaction to you. Have you actually tried to get to know them? It can be really tough to come in as the new girl, so I feel you there, but you have to make the effort. What is your boyfriend's reaction when they get up and walk away when you sit next to them or when they mutter under their breath about you? Can you just have a conversation with them and say "Look, I think we might've got off on the wrong foot... etc...."? Further, no matter who you date going forward (whether this guy or someone else), they are going to have a past that will be discussed when they are with their friends. That doesn't mean you have nothing in common with them. In fact, you should be interested to find out some of these stories about your boyfriend as you get to know him better.
Diezel Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 This relationship is NOT going to go too far. I don't really understand the whole "He needs new friends" dynamic either. What if you two break up in two months, and then he has no friends either? I think you need to communicate with him about what is going on and in non-confrontational way and let whatever happens take its full course. But if you make him choose, be prepared for a foundation of resentment within the relationship. Whatever he chooses to do, you need to be prepared for it.
DivorcedDad123 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Because they aren't really "friends" if they'll ditch him over someone he's dating. Friends don't do that.
FitChick Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Say you can't afford it. Otherwise a few days before, offer to babysit for a child with measles or chicken pox. "Oops, sorry, I can't go now, I'm contagious." How old are you? Say your parents want you home for the holiday.
soyou Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 I agree with some of the posts above. Maybe, those girls didint know that you were shy. They may simply thought that you were arrogant/boring/ difficult to talk to since you didnt (know how to) socialise. Your bf is very out going while you're very introverted. I really dont see your relationship going to last. Either you stand up, learn how to socialise with people, overcome your own fear (being able to continue with ur bf) or you remain who you're (dropping your current bf and finding somebody more compitable with you). I'm a very out going person like your bf. I just cant imagine myself being with somebody so introverted or having problems with socialising with people in general, and my friends in particular. This is definately not going to last, at least not for me. Sorry!
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