Decoding men!! !! What they say vs what they actually mean!!!

[Scaatys2014]

Newly single after 12 yrs. the whole dating scene has me baffled. I met a FANTASTIC man from a dating site. His profile stated "wanting to date, but nothing serious". I was of the same mindset only because I was just newly single and wanting to take things slow. We ended up hitting it off very well and talked every day, went out on 3 dates in 2 weeks and yes, we got intimate. Even though I REALLY like him, I was keeping my options open as we never put a label on what it was. I told him that I had talked with 2 other men from the dating site that captured my interest. One he ended up knowing and at first asked that I not go on the date. I didn't, but then a week later he tells me he doesn't want a relationship, isn't ready to share his space and to do what I want if I really wanted to go out with the other guy.....so, I did. I accepted the invitation for a date with the other guy. When guy #1 ( the guy I REALLY like) asked me if I had gone on the date I said yes and he was angry!!!! He ended up dumping me and is now back on the dating site "actively looking for a relationship""!!! WTH?!?! I was willing to be in a relationship with the guy but his mixed messages were so confusing. I sent him an email trying to talk it out and he won't respond. What did I do wrong? Please someone she'd some light for me.

[Halcyon]

He got what he wanted which was to sleep with you and is now moving onto the next. How can he dump you if you guys never put a label on it?... clearly you want more than just a casual thing. He doesn't.

[Dallers]

Games and drama.

 

He wanted to have you on the side while he does what he wants.

 

The relationship change is childish behaviour to get to you and it worked.

 

He has been reading too many PUA websites and thinks he has high value.

 

I see these games often with women and there is on fail safe way of always winning. The no contact rule. Walk away, go dead silent, read their messages but do not make any noise just wait quietly. They will show their true colours soon enough and when people pretend to be something they are not the outcome is not pretty.

 

Welcome to Online Dating. I'm taking Christmas off from it.

[GemmaUK]

I don't think he has any reason to be angry. I suspect that was down to the fragile male ego. You got tested and failed.

 

 

Having said that though if a man says 'nothing serious' then I assume that is what he means and that he doesn't mean 'taking things slowly'.

 

 

I also personally wouldn't sleep with someone that soon, nor would I want any labels after 3 dates. I don't know someone well enough at that stage.

[ltjg45]

First of all, that guy is a jerk. There is nothing "fastastic" about him.

 

Secondly, you can't get mad at him since you had the same mindset he did which is keeping your options open. Neither wanted to lock up a relationship.

 

Third, he has no business telling you not to go on that date when you two isn't BF/GF.

 

What happened after you went on that date with the other guy is actually expected (along with his response) and you should be glad he "dumped" you. You don't want him long-term, that's for sure.

 

Just move on. The other 2 guys is perhaps a better match for you than that player anyway.

[Andy_K]

When a male profile says 'wanting to date, but nothing serious' what it generally means is 'wanting regular sex on my terms, but no commitment'. This is very different to what women mean when they say 'wanting to date, but nothing serious', so pay attention to it.

 

He got mad because he doesn't want other guys tapping up his 'supply'.

[Scaatys2014]

WOW! I guess I'll chalk this one up as a learning experience. He never struck me as a "player". He seemed very genuine in everything that he told me about his life and past relationships. We had so much fun together. I was actually going to send him one, last ditch apology email because I was feeling guilty for going out with someone else and thought I should try one last time.

 

I guess I'll delete his contacts and move on!

 

Thanks for the insight!

[ponchsox]

He's a beta that lost to an alpha so he threw a little passive aggressive fit.

[slizl]

1) Wants to date but nothing serious = I want sex

2) Never talk about other men that you are dating with your current date

3) Him dumping you was an easy out for him once you admitted that you went on another date. He probably couldn't care less, but it made him feel better by saying that.

[smackie9]

I think he just "assumed" things were getting serious. His fault for not communicating this. Got into a tizzy when you just "assumed" it wasn't serious.

 

Clarify! If you end up liking someone, tell them you are looking for more. simple as that.

[d0nnivain]

When most men on OLD say they don't want anything serious it means they want to date & have sex with as many wiling women as they can find.

 

When women say it they want to move gradually & have the man act in such a way to build their trust before they will ever consider something physical.

[spiderowl]

Sexually exclusivity is not the same as emotional exclusivity. Guys always want to know they are the only guy you are sleeping with. This does not mean they have fallen in love with you; it means they are protecting their biological interests. I'm sorry because it's a hard thing to realise as we are taught to think that if a guy wants to be exclusive with us, it means something to him. His behaviour towards you is a more reliable indicator of what is going on his heart than him wanting sexual exclusivity or appearing jealous.

[cybclimb]

Wants to date but nothing serious could also mean that a guy might be afraid to go to the next level because he had been burned out from a previous relationship and taking it slow, but don't want the girl to pursue other male interests. You said it yourself that he doesn't look like the player type.

 

I probably would have done the same thing. Trust me, guys don't like the competition. Even if some do, they only come after you because of the thrill of the chase.

[Scaatys2014]

GAH!!! I wish I could read minds....

 

I thought the same thing as someone said, the date was an easy excuse out for him but looking back at our time together, the things he confided in me, how he behaved WITH me, I got the impression he wanted more. When he said he didn't want me to go out with the other guy I was ok with that. One week later he says he doesn't care, doesn't want to be that guy that won't allow me to do what I want to do......do what I want. It's not like I even WANTED to go out with the other guy because of the intense attraction between guy #1 and I but when you're dating for such a short time shouldn't you not assume he feels the same way and keep your options open?

 

Regardless, what's done is done. He's back on the dating site and I haven't talked to him in a few days. I guess I'll leave him be. I've already apologized and I'm not about to chase him! I guess if he comes to his senses, he knows where to find me.......

 

Thanks everyone. Dating is really tough!!!

[Donnie Darko]

OP why were you telling someone that you are dating that you are actively seeking other men to date? Labels or not some people may perceive your "honesty" as a complete lack of tact and a huge turn off.

 

He may also have some better options available that he wants to focus on. Or he may be backing off so his friend can have a better chance with you.

 

It doesn't matter what anyone says they want because when the right person comes along, they are willing to change what they are looking for. You can pretty much change the I'm not looking for anything serious right now to I'm not looking for anything serious with YOU right now.

[Andy_K]

 

looking back at our time together, the things he confided in me, how he behaved WITH me, I got the impression he wanted more. When he said he didn't want me to go out with the other guy I was ok with that. One week later he says he doesn't care, doesn't want to be that guy that won't allow me to do what I want to do......do what I want

 

Here's another possibility then. You failed his 'test' of your interest level. If he confided that much in you and seemed that keen... Only to find out you wanted to see what else was out there, of course his ego is going to be hurt! He wanted you to be keen enough not to want to date anyone else.

 

How would you feel if you told a guy you were really into that you didn't want to be bossy and controlling and he should date others if it's what his heart wanted, and then he said 'okay great, I will!'?

[ascendotum]

WOW! I guess I'll chalk this one up as a learning experience. He never struck me as a "player". He seemed very genuine in everything that he told me about his life and past relationships. We had so much fun together. I was actually going to send him one, last ditch apology email because I was feeling guilty for going out with someone else and thought I should try one last time.

 

I guess I'll delete his contacts and move on!

 

Thanks for the insight!

 

Nah from what you wrote he is not a player. I think its just an ego thing or else there is something about that other guy that knows that upsets him. This sort of behavior from a woman would piss me off but I would not get worked up in trying to work out why or what to do next. You should write him off like he suggested after you told him you were going to meet other guys. Its a shame since you said you liked him the best, but he blew it getting upset over you seeing the other dude. If someone does not want anything serious then that's the risk they take...and the risk he took when he asked you if you were going to see any others. I think quite a few people like the idea of exclusive fwb, but often one of the parties wants to exploit their options as a free agent.

Edited December 16, 2014 by ascendotum

[GemmaUK]

I don't think he is a player either.

 

 

His ego got hurt, plus you two had been intimate so if you were talking about meeting another man then his thinking would be that you'd sleep with the other man also.

 

 

Rules of thumb:

Don't sleep with a guy so soon.

Don't tell one guy you want to date another unless you don't want to see the first guy again.

Do be cautious when they say 'nothing serious' as others have mentioned and I did also in my previous post this does not mean the same thing as 'taking things slowly'.

 

 

Above all, with dating, trust your gut. If it's trying to tell you something then there is a good reason for it.

[elaine567]

I think that not many guys, who a woman has slept with, will feel good about her going on other dates, as the implication she is sleeping with other men at the same time.

Whether the relationship is casual or not, I get the impression men tend to like their women to be monogamous.

[KatZee]

I don't get player vibe. I get passive aggressive vibe.

 

To me, I think he wanted to take things slow, and then he threw out a little "test" for you. I'm really not a fan and I think this is really immature.

 

When you took him up on that offer to go out on that date with the person he knew, his ego took a shot. I think he was expecting you to chase after him, be like "OMG why don't you want a relationship anymore! Just a few days ago you were so into me! What did I do! Wah wah wah!"

 

When you didn't do that, and when you simply walked away, he got put in his place and now he's trying to retaliate back by "actively looking for a relationship" and ignoring you.

 

That being said, please stop telling guys you go on dates with that you're circular dating. It's a HUGE turn off for guys and I went on a date recently where a guy told me this exact same story.

 

He had gone on a few dates with this one girl and he thought they were getting along well, and then she drops the "I have other dates" line. He said whatever attraction he felt for her was instantly gone and he never contacted her again. It's a bit tactless, and frankly there's no point in informing him of this.

 

It's online dating. It's a GIVEN that you're talking to other people and going on dates with other people. But it's not something you speak about. If you were dating a guy and wanted to go slow, would you feel great if he was like, "So I'm seeing other women." You'd most likely feel pretty unimportant and not that special to him if he was going on several dates with you and still searching for others.

 

Dates are just dates. It's not a relationship. There is no obligation here until there is a conversation between both people making it exclusive.

[Scaatys2014]

Oh my goodness, so now I feel like a HUGE schmuck! I didn't think he cared what I did. For the record, I never came out and told him I was dating other men. He asked me tons of questions about how many I had talked to. I was always honest. I told him I had only really talked to three, himself included. He asked if I had met anyone and I said I hadn't yet, only him. I never FREELY gave out info. He asked and I was honest. He took the first initiative in telling me he deleted his profile so I did the same, he then kept bringing up one of the other guys because he works with him. HE kept talking about him, not me. He asked me after the 2nd date not to see him. Telling me he was not a nice guy. I said I wouldn't, mostly because I was happy with what I found. Next date, we get even closer but the drive home is awkward and he says to me to do what I want, he's going to be very busy for the next two weeks, just be careful! Huh??? Then the texting and talking starts to slow down, ALOT!! I texted him a few days later and asked if he wanted to do something and he says he's busy. Fair enough. Other guy texts and wants to meet. You know what.......sure. Guy #1 is sending me a weird vibe so sure. I had a nice time. No connection. Nice guy. We split a plate of nachos at a pub and talked. Nothing special. Went home.....ALONE!!! Heard nothing from guy #1 for almost a week so I text him. He seems fine but is asking me questions that lead to what I did over the week. Why would I lie?!?! I never threw anything out there. I thought I was being fair by being honest and not assuming we were an "item"!

 

My god! What should I do??? I REALLY like this guy and now feel like I did fail some sort of test! What was I supposed to do? Sit at home and knit for the week???

 

How do I fix this?? I really want to see him again!

[Yookie]

1) Wants to date but nothing serious = I want sex

2) Never talk about other men that you are dating with your current date

3) Him dumping you was an easy out for him once you admitted that you went on another date. He probably couldn't care less, but it made him feel better by saying that.

 

Your words echo my thoughts!

[KatZee]

 

My god! What should I do??? I REALLY like this guy and now feel like I did fail some sort of test! What was I supposed to do? Sit at home and knit for the week???

 

How do I fix this?? I really want to see him again!

 

It's really stupid but I think his mentality could be, "I told her I was going to be busy with work for the next two weeks, lets see what she does." And then he learned about you going on that date with the guy he said not to date.

 

So it's kinda like, oh if I'm busy this is what she's going to do?

 

Granted, you're not in a relationship so I find this whole thing pretty stupid and immature. If he was actively looking for a relationship and was feeling it with you, he should have said so.

 

I think I read that you reached out and he didn't respond. That's all you can do. You said your piece and now if you continue reaching out to him, he's going to label you as the "crazy chick."

 

Balls in his court at this point, he'll either think it over and get back to you or you won't hear from him again.

[smackie9]

YOU fix nothing with him, he's a jackass. Seriously if he can't express his expectations like a mature man, then he is just going to mess with your head anyways....not worth the drama.

 

You are going to have to figure out what you truly want. You want a relationship with the right guy? Then say it. You want to take things slow, then do it, don't hop in the sack with them and pace yourself.

[smackie9]

Casual dating is just that, you go out on a date with different guys, you don't keep seeing them. If you sleep with them, just hit it and quit it. At least that will not lead to fuzzy expectations.