Rainy17 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Hello guys, I'm really torn in the moment as I have no idea what to do. My mind and heart are not in harmony with each other. I hope you guys can help me out. Or maybe just give me a different perspective. Situation: Me (23 year old woman) and my gf( age 24) have been together for about 2 and a half years. We moved together recently at the beginning of this year. And that's when all the trouble started. At first I was really happy, but then things started to go wrong. Let me tell you something about myself. I'm an ambitious person currently going to university and I have a business on the side financing myself with it. My gf on the other side has no job and no ambition to pursue anything big. And every time she gets the chance to change something she backs out. Excuses such as I'm not feeling well, not feeling well prepared...etc. there is always a reason not to do something . I tell her if she doesn't even try then she's already lost. But it never works. I have noticed this behavior before but I thought it would change once things got more serious. But nothing ever changed. Now I'm on the verge of breaking up with her because I know on the long run I don't want to be with someone like that. I always believe in her and then I get disappointed. Now the thing is that I truly love her despite all these things. My heart can't let go of her but my mind wants to walk away because I believe my leaving will snap her out of her current attitude and make her figure things out. Can you guys help? Thanks in advance.
Halcyon Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 The real question here is could you respect her still if things didn't change? Because sorry to say for a lot of people they rarely change or they change at such a glacial pace it would take decades for any real progress. If you can't respect your partner that will become resentment and that is never good. May I also ask does you gf lack ambition or is it she lacks confidence in herself? (possibly anxiety or depression) There is a big difference the first nothing can be done about that is who she is. Second is tricky but can be changed but at the same time will take a lot of time especially if this is something that has been going on for years and it's not something you can force either. Usually it's a pretty bad sign when you are wanting to change your partner into something else. My last ex previous to my very recent breakup was much like this, she has great potential to make things for herself but she deathly afraid of being an adult and the responsibility that come with it. She is also afraid of failure because it was hammered into her their is nothing worse than failure. I had to leave for a myriad of reasons which I don't really want to get into but I she hasn't changed, shes still in the same dead end job squandering her talents because she does not aspire to anything more which would be fine if she was happy with that but I know she isn't at all. It wasn't my place to "fix" her nor is it yours for your girlfriend.
Author Rainy17 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Thanks for your reply. To your First question. I think I could not respect someone who is like this in the long run. she has other kind character traits that make her a wonderful person but her lack of ambition bothers me. I believe she lacks confidence and ambition. Both contribute to her attitude. She had some health issues before where she constantly went to the doctor believing she was seriously sick. She even developed headaches that were not real. That problem accompanied her for almost half a year where she just lay in bed doing nothing all day. That was our first half year in our new appartment. I almost broke up with her then. But she snapped out of it on the last second. As to changing her. I do not want to actively change her but I hope for her to change on her own. To evolve. The question is do I wait around for it or not? I still believe in her but it's just so hard to deal with disappointments. I know it's not my job to fix her. Everyone is responsible for themselves,. That's why I'm so torn .
Halcyon Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Sadly I don't see this really working out. You want her to change who she is whether it is you doing it or herself you ultimately want her to be someone she is not. I'm sure she is a wonderful person in other regards but clearly it is not enough for you and if you end up resenting your partner well that's no good is it? The real question how long do you want to wait for her to change? 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? etc. I would be very worried for the future of the relationship if I'm contemplating how much better things would be if they just changed. First not fair on them they are who they are, sure you can grow together but it seems you both have different priorities in life and are out of sync. Do not see it as a failure on your behalf either because the other side of the coin is that there is a part of the relationship that you are obviously not being fulfilled in. It's not like you haven't tried either you have given it a fair go and it's not wrong to want things from a relationship.
Author Rainy17 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Deep down I believe we both knew the answer to this. She even once told me that it's ok for me to break away from her. That if I was honest to myself I would see that we are not pursuing the same things in life. But at that time I was just not ready to see it and much less ready to take action. I can't bring myself to end it.
Diezel Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 She's NOT going to change. I was once in a 5+ year relationship with a woman who lacked ANY ambition at all. She was just a piece of wood floating in the Pacific Ocean. No desire to get to land. No desire to do anything than just float around. I waited, and waited, and waited. I said things would change if "I" did this, if "I" tried to show her that. SHE has to want to change. Don't waste more years of your life waiting for her to suddenly decide she has to grow up. Right now, the fact that you two are living together means that you are indirectly enabling her behaviors. She's holding you back, and vice versa. You need to understand that right now, she is probably content with the situation, while you are posting on LS about it. If you do break up with her, she will "snap out of it" but it's momentary. It's only going to be for a week or two. Get back with her and she'll get comfortable again.
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