Toodaloo Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 But I wonder why she's so scared? Because when someone you care about very deeply drops you from a great height being hit by a train hurts less...
Author nyfan1992 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Yeah as a guy I hear how my friends talk about women so I'm not surprised women become jaded after time. I too went through a phase as being a bit of an *******. Sure I got with more girls but I felt emptier than I ever had before. I figured there are enough *******s out there mistreating women so why not be different and stand out? I'll definitely be more assertive sexually though. I guess I was always afraid of coming off too strong and creeping her out but it appears she's been worrying more than me.
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 I would say after six months, if you've not had sex yet, you're in MASSIVE danger of just feeling like a friend to her. Sometimes, the longer you wait the weirder the idea gets, the more nervous you get. Whereas waiting a few weeks, even a couple months, can increase the anticipation. Is it not an option to surprise her with a weekend away near to either of your states? A romantic weekend, in your own hotel room. To get intimate and enjoy each other's company. No pressure necessarily to have full intercourse, but the ability for it to go there if you are both into it. Personally if I was dating a guy and we didn't have sex after a month or two I would no longer be interested, unless we were finding it hard to wait if that makes sense. If we were constantly almost getting there but stopping ourselves to wait for whatever reason (maybe to sort out birth control, or to wait for a STI check results to come through) then that'd be okay, because I'd know that he was attracted to me and that we had that passion. But when a guy I was dating didn't even try get under my clothes for a month or two I lost complete interest because I felt like he was unattracted to me, and that made me less into him too. Anyway, other than that, I wouldn't worry about the comment being a portent of doom for your relationship or anything. 'First disagreements' in a relationship are unhappy, awkward times, where you're trying to work out whether the other person is gonna walk away over it or not, working out the other person's style of disagreement, and so on. I have said similar to my boyfriend once or twice, kinda a 'why are you so lovely to me? I don't deserve it', not in a needy/don't know how to have a real relationship way... just if he's being extra amazing over something, above and beyond regular expected boyfriend behaviour. It's a way of saying 'wow, you really exceeded my expectations and made me so happy!'. I had a slightly emotionally abusive ex who was super paranoid and jealous, for four years growing up, so it's hard for me now still to accept or realise that subsequent boyfriends don't mind me hanging out with guy friends, or don't mind if I wear a short skirt. In those scenarios I might say it, because I'm so used to getting grief for it. It is just appreciation, that's all. Don't let it ruin what you're building up. But yes, definitely give her the D or at least a taste of it. 1
losangelena Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 I did get vibes that she's afraid to lose me because last night she said that doesn't want a stupid drunk thing she said to mess anything up. I assured her that I feel so strongly about her and I wouldn't let anything mess up what we have. She seemed so relieved to hear that. I'm surprised she acted that way though because I've never acted like I'd drop her so easily. I'm mature and understanding enough to not break it off with someone over one stupid mistake. It would take a lot worse than that. But I wonder why she's so scared? Am I coming across like a merciless person or something? She's scared because she cares about you, knows what she said upset you, and is afraid to lose you. If this is the first time you've had conflict, that's understandable, especially at y'all's age. It could be—shocker—that she really is invested and what she said was an honest, drunk mistake. We all—ALL—sooner or later say and do things to the ones we care about that we regret. Spoiler alert: the ones we love will end up hurting us far more than the ones who reject us early-on. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Since you insist that you stand firm on your beliefs and that you tease her, she may be more used to immature guys who are jerks & users so she is trying to figure out how to deal with a genuinely good guy. As for the logistics of your sex life, it's tough when you both live at home. I think a nice hotel for NYE might solve your problem. 1
FitChick Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Tell her to stop drinking or stop after one. I recently overheard my neighbors arguing. He said "You let a guy suck your tits while you played with his dick and you think that's okay?!" "But I was drunk! I'm not proud of it." Drinking is no excuse for bad behavior.
AVarma Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 But yes, definitely give her the D or at least a taste of it. I never thought I'd see a woman speak like this.
Author nyfan1992 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 I never thought I'd see a woman speak like this. We already made reservations to get a hotel for NYE so I'm one step ahead of you
Author nyfan1992 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Oops quoted the wrong person lol 1
d0nnivain Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 No worries. Acrosstheuniverse & I were essentially giving you the same advice which you already had planned to do. We just used different words. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 I never thought I'd see a woman speak like this. And you say you've had a lot of experience?
Woggle Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 I am going to wade in here and just put this little "cookie" of a thought into the equation. Lots of nice women are treated so badly by men who are not all that bothered and strung them along that they actually have no clue how to deal with a man treating her nicely... In my past the only man who treated me really well ended up breaking my heart, mind and soul. So I have been very wary since then and its really scarey to be treated well by someone. All the little things like having doors opened and my coat held for me to get on. Even something as simple as taking a mug to the kitchen sink rather than it being left on the side can sometimes make me feel very nervous. This doesn't mean that I am a prize bitch or that I do not appreciate it or that I am going to start treating any men I date in the future badly it just means that if I am lucky enough to find someone who does treat me very well I know I am going to struggle as I am simply not used to it and I will constantly be expecting heart break... Clearly this girl is really into you and is trying not to make mistakes because she doesn't want to lose you. Go easy on her. This is really sad that somebody is so used to poor treatment that they can't handle being treated well. 2
Author nyfan1992 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 It is very sad and that is why I try to be one of the few good guys in a world of *******s. I also have a sister and I always try to treat girls I like how I would want guys to treat her. 1
gaius Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 It's not an issue of past poor treatment, just on a primal level most women don't want a guy who's a gentleman all the time. =/ She's trying to be honest and teach you something and you're getting mad at her for it. That's the wrong time to take a stand. I see a lot of guys who seem to have an iron clad definition in their head of what a guy is suppossed to be with a woman, they're not all that interested in trying to rise to meet their partners needs and their dating lives usually end up suffering because of it. 2
Frank2thepoint Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 She said the reason she likes me so much and wants to be with me is because I'm different than most guys and I actually treat her with respect. This is not a good sign when a girl admits this. She is used to douche bags mistreating her, which are probably the type of guys she is usually attracted to. Tread carefully, but you definitely need to have sex with her soon, otherwise she'll dump you because she thinks you're too much of a gentleman. 1
AVarma Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 And you say you've had a lot of experience? Have you read any of my threads?
most_distant_galaxy Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 As a woman, sometimes I'm scared of "too nice" guys. I worry that they hide something or that their niceness is fake. Don't misunderstand me, I adore guys with golden hearts. But it's hard to know who has a golden heart anyway because they won't advertise it or they may not even be that cordial on the outside. So, bottom line is that she may be worried that you are not showing your true self. If you are indeed showing your true self, then continue being yourself, obviously, and at some point she will believe that this is truly you and not a facade.
Author nyfan1992 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 This is not a good sign when a girl admits this. She is used to douche bags mistreating her, which are probably the type of guys she is usually attracted to. Tread carefully, but you definitely need to have sex with her soon, otherwise she'll dump you because she thinks you're too much of a gentleman. You know what though? People make mistakes when they're young and I don't believe in holding the past against someone. I truly believe people learn from their mistakes and become better people from it. I used to only chase after slitty girls so that does mean that I'm a bad guy and am only interested in any future girls for the sex? Of course not. Everyone comes with their own baggage, including you and me. I'm sure she has been used and mistreated by bad guys, the same way I've been used and also admittedly have used other girls in the past. I agree to tread carefully but I'm willing to give her a chance, as I would hope she would for me. 2
Author nyfan1992 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Before I was looking for a good time, and would often attract immature girls. But now I'm looking for a WOMAN and she is far more mature than what I'm used to. Maybe she used to be attracted to douchey guys and like me learned how bad that is and is looking for a similar partner as me. 1
smackie9 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 OK so instead of getting defensive, and everyone claiming she has deep seeded issues with being abused....my advice is, listen to your partner. She is saying you are being TOO nice, then just back it off a little that's all you have to do. Take it from me who has had a lot of relationship experience, you learn to bend a little, make a compromise, make sacrifices to keep your partner happy. If you don't listen to what they are trying to put out there, then your relationship doesn't have a hope in hell of surviving.
bachdude Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 So to make a long story short I've been seeing this girl for 6 months now and it is expected that we will become an official couple when I see her next week. Everything is going great and I couldn't be happier. So onto the issue at hand... The other night we were texting and she was saying how excited she is to see me and things of that nature. Then she said that "you're too nice to me, we gotta work on that." I was confused so when I asked her what she meant she said that I don't have to be nice to her all the time. I was pretty mad to be honest because it seemed like she doesn't appreciate my attempts to be a gentleman. I was raised to be chivalrous and respectful so the way I treat her is just normal to me and I'm really not trying too hard to be nice. IMO if you care about someone you treat them the best you can. The next morning she sent me a long text apologizing repeatedly for saying that and said that me being so nice to her is one of the reasons she likes me so much and she hopes I never change that. She claimed that she was just really drunk and didn't mean anything she said. She also said that she's just not used to it, as in a guy being so nice to her. I accepted her apology but I honestly feel uneasy about the whole situation. As they say, "drunk words are sober thoughts" and I can't help but think me being nice to her is not attractive to her. I really don't see how I'm doing anything wrong. I paid for dinner with her once, I buy her drinks from time to time but never frequently, and I've been reserved with her physically out of respect. We have talked about having sex and plan on doing so next time we see each other but I never pushed the issue before because I wanted to be a gentleman. Do I have a reason to be concerned or am I just overthinking this? Should I have a talk with her or just let it be? I've been so happy with how things have been going between is so I feel so frustrated that this came up. How about this.. I would just say I am not going to change who I am. I think I am nice when I should be nice and I have a spine when I need to have a spine. But I'm not going to just suddenly treat you less kindly because I have to prove something to you. That way you stand up to her (not too nice!) and you show her you are comfortable in your own skin, which is confident. And besides, if you change who you are because she thinks you are being to nice you are still just doing exactly what she wants!!! So what's the point?? 4
AVarma Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 How about this.. I would just say I am not going to change who I am. I think I am nice when I should be nice and I have a spine when I need to have a spine. But I'm not going to just suddenly treat you less kindly because I have to prove something to you. That way you stand up to her (not too nice!) and you show her you are comfortable in your own skin, which is confident. And besides, if you change who you are because she thinks you are being to nice you are still just doing exactly what she wants!!! So what's the point?? Damn... I love the wisdom in this post.
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 Have you read any of my threads? Sorry man, got you mixed up with the thread starter! Who said this: Also I'm 22, young I suppose but believe me I have a good amount of experience sexually. Apologies.
fred123 Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 If she met a guy she liked she would sleep with him no problem quite quickly.
Quiet Storm Posted December 17, 2014 Posted December 17, 2014 (edited) The Thanksgiving Eve thing... a few hours is plenty of time to have sex. That would've been perfect. After 6 months of flirting, you two should want each other so bad that nothing will stand in your way, especially getting up early to cook. If I had been in her position and the opportunity was there, and you didn't take it, I'd have been disappointed. I get it, you were trying to be respectful and considerate by saying "We'll get a hotel room another time, I know you have to get up early to cook with your mom." She was probably glad that you were so considerate but also thinking "Why does he not want me???!!". I know you are a nice guy and respect her, but don't allow that to stifle your passion. You want her to want you, not just like you. If she's been with guys that don't respect her, she's probably felt that raw unrestrained sexual desire and wonders why you aren't showing that. Most women don't like the disrespectful behavior that comes with a "bad boy", but love their passion and their "must have you right now" style. You can still be nice and considerate and show intensity and desire. Carry her groceries, be nice to her mom, listen when she's venting... but show her want her bad in the bedroom. Edited December 17, 2014 by Quiet Storm 1
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