nyfan1992 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 So to make a long story short I've been seeing this girl for 6 months now and it is expected that we will become an official couple when I see her next week. Everything is going great and I couldn't be happier. So onto the issue at hand... The other night we were texting and she was saying how excited she is to see me and things of that nature. Then she said that "you're too nice to me, we gotta work on that." I was confused so when I asked her what she meant she said that I don't have to be nice to her all the time. I was pretty mad to be honest because it seemed like she doesn't appreciate my attempts to be a gentleman. I was raised to be chivalrous and respectful so the way I treat her is just normal to me and I'm really not trying too hard to be nice. IMO if you care about someone you treat them the best you can. The next morning she sent me a long text apologizing repeatedly for saying that and said that me being so nice to her is one of the reasons she likes me so much and she hopes I never change that. She claimed that she was just really drunk and didn't mean anything she said. She also said that she's just not used to it, as in a guy being so nice to her. I accepted her apology but I honestly feel uneasy about the whole situation. As they say, "drunk words are sober thoughts" and I can't help but think me being nice to her is not attractive to her. I really don't see how I'm doing anything wrong. I paid for dinner with her once, I buy her drinks from time to time but never frequently, and I've been reserved with her physically out of respect. We have talked about having sex and plan on doing so next time we see each other but I never pushed the issue before because I wanted to be a gentleman. Do I have a reason to be concerned or am I just overthinking this? Should I have a talk with her or just let it be? I've been so happy with how things have been going between is so I feel so frustrated that this came up. 1
Jules Dash Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Hey, occasionally your date/girlfriend is going to say things to offend you or upset you. It's all a part of dating. You guys have been together for 6 months so you are obviously doing something right. You seem very comfortable with who you are and it is working so continue to be who you are. I would have probably gotten a bit sarcastic with her to bludgeon her over the head with such a stupid comment. "If you'd like, I can start calling you a B**ch and sleeping with your best friend." 3
Author nyfan1992 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Hi Jules thanks for the reply. I did get a little sarcastic with her. I said "I can start being mean to you if you want".
d0nnivain Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 She's warning you that she has little respect for you. Too nice often means doormat You don't have call her names or go out of your way to be mean to her. That isn't what she wants. However, she is giving you permission to say No to her sometimes & she wants you to voice opinions not just agree with her all the time. 10
Gloria25 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 She's warning you that she has little respect for you. Too nice often means doormat You don't have call her names or go out of your way to be mean to her. That isn't what she wants. However, she is giving you permission to say No to her sometimes & she wants you to voice opinions not just agree with her all the time. Agreed ^^ actually, was listening to my fav podcaster yesterday and a woman wrote in and explained the difference between a "nice" and "good" man. We women want "good" men, but we don't want "nice" men. Nice men tend to be doormats. That opened up some eyes for me. I know I'm capable of being a "good" woman to a man and to people in general (cuz I do treat people beyond "good") - but I sometimes get caught up in being too "nice" in hopes to win people over, not cause conflict - in other words, I become a doormat. 2
Jules Dash Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Hi Jules thanks for the reply. I did get a little sarcastic with her. I said "I can start being mean to you if you want". It is just sarcasm to point out how silly her statement sounds. Of course you wouldn't want to change yourself from being a gentleman but as stated above, beware of being a doormat. There is a difference. I can be pretty sarcastic at times and I would drive this home by playing with it until she throws her hands up in surrender. "Where is my damn dinner, woman!" I am not suggesting that you do this. I am just saying that is probably something I would personally do if someone said this to me. Again, just beware that you are not being a doormat. That is far different than holding a car door open for her and pulling out her chair.
travelbug1996 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Has she been in an abusive relationship in the past? Maybe she's never been in a healthy relationship before. Be patient with her but watch your boundaries. Continue to be yourself. She's just gonna have to get used to it. 1
Author nyfan1992 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 I literally know nothing about her dating past and she doesn't know mine. We've just never talked about it before
Author nyfan1992 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 I actually did text her first before she sent me that long apology saying that being nice is who I am and that's not going to change. I said I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable but I'm not sorry for being myself. I completely agree with the doormat thing but I think a message like the one I sent her shows her some confidence and that I'm not willing to change for anyone and like who I wm 3
Woggle Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 I would maybe thing twice about this relationship. You don't want somebody who can't handle being treated well. 4
shet Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Honestly sounds to me like she just wants to get laid at last 4
Assada Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 being treated well, is different from being a doormat. If you think that everything she does and every decision that she makes, is the correct one, you sir are a doormat 1
Danda Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 "Super Nice" guys kind of freak me out a bit, as well. Respectful, affectionate and genuine are very good qualities, but when a guy seems like he's trying really hard to be "nice" I get worried that it's going to be one of those classic fedora cases, like the type of guy who thinks that putting niceness coins into the slot machine will eventually result in sex falling out, and if it doesn't, then his true asshat self comes out in full force. This is the type of guy who will then go on a tangent somewhere on the internet about how apparently women only like a-holes and get what they deserve, and how he is sick of being "friendzoned" when he is so nice/kind/honest/loyal/good (now I'm realizing why those profiles might freak me out lol). Also I am sure there is the female version of the 'fedora' stereotype, just to clarify. But what's weird about your two's situation is that she has known you for 6 months already, so I'd think that if you were just faking 'niceness' to get in her pants, that would have been apparent by now. So I can understand how you could easily take her words as insulting, or at least as a possible sign of dysfunction. 1
Author nyfan1992 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Hi Danda, thanks for your thoughts. As a guy, I know all too well how guys put on this nice act to get in a girl's pants so with this girl I've done everything I can to show that I'm not like that. In the 6 months I've known her we have not had sex yet and I didn't even bring it up until she did. Now that it's on the table I'll flirt with her and make some references to it which she seems to enjoy. We spoke last night and she kept insisting over and over again that she was just drunk and she honestly didn't mean any of it. She said the reason she likes me so much and wants to be with me is because I'm different than most guys and I actually treat her with respect. She was pretty adamant about it so I'm inclined to believe her. This is still the early dating/honeymoon phase so we've never had any fights or anything; I.e. I haven't had a reason to say no to her or be contentious. But while I am a very expressive person about my feelings, I also can be confrontational and stand up when I don't agree or like something. So in this case, I right away told her that I didn't appreciate what she said and I took a stand that this is who I am and I'm not changing for anyone. Hopefully that show of confidence is what she's looking for.
gaius Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 When I'm mad at or unattracted to a girl sometimes I'll be really nice to her, they don't like it.
xUnknown Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 You could go cold for a little bit and tell her you have to consider some things after she said. I think that may get the point across that you're not f*cking around here, she'll go "oh sh*t, what have I done". She'll respect you for considering ending things based off some stupid comment she made. It says "you said something stupid, why should I waste my time with you, I respect myself and my time is more important than that".
Redhead14 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Sometimes a man will try do too much for a woman and a independent woman will resent on some level that he is stepping on that. Just food for thought. It may not be all the niceties like paying for dinner or drinks, opening the door, etc. But if he's trying to fix everything for her, i.e. problems, she may not want that.
PogoStick Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 and I've been reserved with her physically out of respect. We have talked about having sex and plan on doing so next time we see each other but I never pushed the issue before because I wanted to be a gentleman. Do I have a reason to be concerned or am I just overthinking this? Should I have a talk with her or just let it be? I've been so happy with how things have been going between is so I feel so frustrated that this came up. I would guess her overall theme is that she likes you, and your kindness, but she wishes you were more masculine. She wants a man, not a puppy. It's difficult to say without more details of the "nice" things you do. There is nothing wrong with paying for dinner, or doing other nice things on occasion. I prefer a relationship to be fairly 50/50. The "nice" things should be surprises, bonuses, not an everyday kind of thing. Otherwise you're training her to be a princess with unrealistic expectations. You must be younger because 6 months is a long time to go without sex. Has she had sex before you? Going back to my first point, a man wouldn't wait 6 months to have sex with a girl who he is really attracted to. That's not being a gentleman, it's being weak. She wants to feel loved, desired, attractive, to a MAN, and taking her in bed will give her that. 1
veggirl Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Not sure why people assume you are being a doormat. Can you give some examples of what you do that is apparently "too nice"? She sounds immature, like the type who equates drama with passion.
d0nnivain Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Not sure why people assume you are being a doormat. Can you give some examples of what you do that is apparently "too nice"? She sounds immature, like the type who equates drama with passion. I made that assumption because "too nice" is often synonymous with doormat. I expect to be treated well by men I have dated. However, men who seem to have no backbone or balls are boring. I certainly wouldn't tolerate cruelty but I also don't want to date some "nice" guy who agrees with everything I say or do and never has an opinion of his own. She may very well be an immature drama queen who can't be happy unless there is chaos in which case the OP should run, but she may be suggesting that OP "man up". For example, if he never asserts himself or expresses an opinion, even about something as trivial as what movie they are going to watch on the date, she will grow bored fast. The problems are different as are the solutions. 1
Toodaloo Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 I am going to wade in here and just put this little "cookie" of a thought into the equation. Lots of nice women are treated so badly by men who are not all that bothered and strung them along that they actually have no clue how to deal with a man treating her nicely... In my past the only man who treated me really well ended up breaking my heart, mind and soul. So I have been very wary since then and its really scarey to be treated well by someone. All the little things like having doors opened and my coat held for me to get on. Even something as simple as taking a mug to the kitchen sink rather than it being left on the side can sometimes make me feel very nervous. This doesn't mean that I am a prize bitch or that I do not appreciate it or that I am going to start treating any men I date in the future badly it just means that if I am lucky enough to find someone who does treat me very well I know I am going to struggle as I am simply not used to it and I will constantly be expecting heart break... Clearly this girl is really into you and is trying not to make mistakes because she doesn't want to lose you. Go easy on her. 1
WomenWubber Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 "you're too nice to me, we gotta work on that." Clearly, she wants the Dee. Rough and now. 1
Author nyfan1992 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 The reason we haven't had sex in 6 months is because she goes to school hundreds of miles away from me and when she's home we've never had the opportunity to do it because of the circumstances, e.g. We wanted to have sex thanksgiving eve but she had to wake up early to help her mom cook so it wouldn't have made sense to get a hotel jus for a few hours. Also I'm 22, young I suppose but believe me I have a good amount of experience sexually. I am just naturally a nice person but I do tease her. The school she goes to is rivals with my alma mater so I always tease her and give her a hard time. While we agree on pretty much most things (which is one of the reasons I like her so much) I am very firm in my beliefs and no matter who the person is I always stand firm. I did get vibes that she's afraid to lose me because last night she said that doesn't want a stupid drunk thing she said to mess anything up. I assured her that I feel so strongly about her and I wouldn't let anything mess up what we have. She seemed so relieved to hear that. I'm surprised she acted that way though because I've never acted like I'd drop her so easily. I'm mature and understanding enough to not break it off with someone over one stupid mistake. It would take a lot worse than that. But I wonder why she's so scared? Am I coming across like a merciless person or something?
Author nyfan1992 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Lmao WomenWubber that just made my day! I want to give it to her pretty badly so I hope you're right LOL
Xiang Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Give it to her. You probably are to nice and a little bit of a doormat. Assuming. The "myth" is there for a reason, and when a girl says that it is because you are not being man enough and she is losing respect. She want's you to be more agressive/assertive. Push for stuff you want, you want to do her, yet you are not. Don't excuse yourself, just find a way and do it XD.
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