Is shyness a turn-off for guys on a first date?

[spanishchick00]

I'm not sure if its my "shyness" that turns guys off on a first date or just maybe its me that they're not interested enough to pursue me. I've been using OLD, and they have bluntly told me, "you seem shy." I'm like ok....most likely I never hear from them again. I'm thinking that it can't be my "shyness" that is the problem, what I think is that I'm just not that "hot" enough for them to pursue me. Awhile back, this guy gave me some dating advice on how men think, and he was telling me that, "looks are what attracts a guy to strike up a conversation with a girl." And that it doesn't matter what a girl does for a living/how much money she makes, if the guy thinks he found a true "gem" he will snatch her up regardless. My shyness isn't the problem here, my looks are-apparently I don't look hot enough for my date. Your thoughts?

[Chris715]

For me it wouldn't really be a turn off, and I might think it's kinda cute. I don't mind shy girls as long as they are able to open up to me eventually.

 

But if you're shy on a first date a lot of guys might take it as a sign that your interest level in them is low, even if it's the opposite.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Not for me either, but I haven't been able to get a single date from OLD.

 

For the guys who do get plenty of dates from OLD, I can imagine they are picky about everything and screen women out based upon anything and everything from shyness to looks to you name it.

[Gloria25]

Not for me either, but I haven't been able to get a single date from OLD.

 

For the guys who do get plenty of dates from OLD, I can imagine they are picky about everything and screen women out based upon anything and everything from shyness to looks to you name it.

 

Yes, the downfall of OLD. People are quick to dismiss you over X, Y, and Z. They don't take the time to get to know you.

[shet]

I've seen a lot of this complaint recently one way or another and what I realised is, when someone says "shy" you have no idea what they mean. Your definition of shy may not be theirs, and their use of "shy" may be a catch-all describing other factors like personality disorders that they aren't revealing or don't even know about. I'll tell you when I realised this. Only a couple weeks ago I made contact through an app (not for dating but whatever) with a woman very near me who said exactly this - shyness was ruining her romantic life. I said (amongst many things, obviously) I had my own problems dating, and we should go on a faux-date so we can tell each other what we do wrong. Surprisingly she agreed.

 

So I met her, and instantly, I could see that she wasn't just shy. She just didn't engage at all. She held her sleeves down over her hands (this is a 29yo woman) and looked at her feet all the time and behaved erratically. She looked like a wreck, despite actually being pretty, slim and naturally blonde - circles round her eyes, acne. When I did get her talking, what emerged (without me actually pursuing this direction of conversation) was a history of... emotional disconnection, lets leave it at that. Needless body image issues. A loner who watched anime all day and worked all night, and frankly though she didn't reveal it, if I'm any judge, either a drug habit or some serious medication for something. And all this she had summarised as "shy". I would say, if her "shyness" comes from mental problems, medication, a history of abuse, poor self image and being a shutin, then she couldn't see the wood for the trees.

 

That set me thinking of other times when women or men have said "I'm shy" and they aren't at all, there's some other problem they're just calling shy. Like the guy I know who isn't shy, he's autistic and barely even speaks to his friends. Or the woman I know who isn't shy but is extremely hostile and cold seemingly all the time to everyone, that nobody can even imagine what it must be like to be on a date with. Or the other one who's actually pretty normal EXCEPT for having some really really dumb rules from somewhere about how and when to contact men, what to do with them, what they're allowed to say etc which means men just tire of her. Or the other one who sets up dates on an industrial production line via every possible means but who is just so dull that she's empty of conversation once she's asked where you come from, what you do and talked about her fitness regime and holiday.

 

You say you're "shy". But you use OLD. That doesn't fit. Shy people can't arrange or then attend a date. Even putting up a profile is beyond them (I know, I was one once, and even now I can't really hack OLD). You're chatting to guys and arranging dates, that takes cojones. What then? You already aren't using the word shy to describe what I take it to mean so what else is up.

 

Also, that guy was kinda wrong. Looks are a concern, as they are for women, but the bar is low. Above the threshold of "hambeast" guys'll chat anyone up. You can't be a hambeast because you're getting dates and attention on OLD - I know women that don't get that who are nothing worse than a bit plump, so you're ahead of the game there.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Yes, the downfall of OLD. People are quick to dismiss you over X, Y, and Z. They don't take the time to get to know you.

 

It makes no sense to me.

 

I mean, for the younger people in their 20s who are in no rush to settle down I can understand. But for the people pushing 40?

 

I just don't get it.

[preraph]

I grew up without brothers and was really shy and, worse, awkward around guys in my school years. I had a bad crush on senior guy when I was a sophomore. I didn't even know him, so no idea why him. He was in my language club. He went steady with a girl who probably "did things" in a time when school girls didn't "do" much, so he was way out of my league in that respect. This was in ancient times, so after language club, which was at night, I had to use the pay phone to call my mom to come pick me up. He saw me do that and offered me a ride home in his extremely awesome '68 Mustang Fastback with red seats that laid all the way back. I lived rural, so to get there the fastest way, you drove down "Lovers Lane," a dirt/gravel road where people sometimes parked to make out. Back then, going to the Dairy Queen or Sonic was what you basically did when you were out with a boyfriend. There was literally nothing to do except that and a movie. So I was surprised when he took me to the Dairy Queen and bought me a Coke. Now, it wasn't the DQ on the main drag where all the whole school was likely to see him with me, it should be noted.

 

So got the drinks, and once on the dirt road, he slowed the Mustang way down, and I was so nervous, the cup of iced Coke was rattling in my hand. I expressed shyness as defensiveness. For example, I once won a game at a party of who could go the longest without smiling by a year and a day. Nothing to be proud of. I'm sure he thought I was crazy and for sure knew I was an amateur and except for my probably effusive thank you for driving me home, he probably had little clue whether I enjoyed myself or not.

 

I got over all that in a big way, but my kind of awkwardness and shyness was self-defeating and sent the opposite message of what I wanted to send. I was embarrassed by my inexperience and awkwardness, which only made me more hostile acting.

 

I'm sorry it took so long to get through that, but it's to illustrate this point. Men don't mind shyness, most of them, but it has to be friendly shyness, laughing/smiling giggling shyness, not "weird girl doesn't know what a BJ is scared to death" shyness. So if you do nothing else, learn to smile broadly and laugh when you feel shy, rather than shutting it all down trying to keep anyone from knowing what you're feeling. And if you just manage that one thing, you'll be fine. Otherwise, you will seem hostile and unfriendly and unapproachable in the extreme.

[spanishchick00]

I've seen a lot of this complaint recently one way or another and what I realised is, when someone says "shy" you have no idea what they mean. Your definition of shy may not be theirs, and their use of "shy" may be a catch-all describing other factors like personality disorders that they aren't revealing or don't even know about. I'll tell you when I realised this. Only a couple weeks ago I made contact through an app (not for dating but whatever) with a woman very near me who said exactly this - shyness was ruining her romantic life. I said (amongst many things, obviously) I had my own problems dating, and we should go on a faux-date so we can tell each other what we do wrong. Surprisingly she agreed.

 

So I met her, and instantly, I could see that she wasn't just shy. She just didn't engage at all. She held her sleeves down over her hands (this is a 29yo woman) and looked at her feet all the time and behaved erratically. She looked like a wreck, despite actually being pretty, slim and naturally blonde - circles round her eyes, acne. When I did get her talking, what emerged (without me actually pursuing this direction of conversation) was a history of... emotional disconnection, lets leave it at that. Needless body image issues. A loner who watched anime all day and worked all night, and frankly though she didn't reveal it, if I'm any judge, either a drug habit or some serious medication for something. And all this she had summarised as "shy". I would say, if her "shyness" comes from mental problems, medication, a history of abuse, poor self image and being a shutin, then she couldn't see the wood for the trees.

 

That set me thinking of other times when women or men have said "I'm shy" and they aren't at all, there's some other problem they're just calling shy. Like the guy I know who isn't shy, he's autistic and barely even speaks to his friends. Or the woman I know who isn't shy but is extremely hostile and cold seemingly all the time to everyone, that nobody can even imagine what it must be like to be on a date with. Or the other one who's actually pretty normal EXCEPT for having some really really dumb rules from somewhere about how and when to contact men, what to do with them, what they're allowed to say etc which means men just tire of her. Or the other one who sets up dates on an industrial production line via every possible means but who is just so dull that she's empty of conversation once she's asked where you come from, what you do and talked about her fitness regime and holiday.

 

You say you're "shy". But you use OLD. That doesn't fit. Shy people can't arrange or then attend a date. Even putting up a profile is beyond them (I know, I was one once, and even now I can't really hack OLD). You're chatting to guys and arranging dates, that takes cojones. What then? You already aren't using the word shy to describe what I take it to mean so what else is up.

 

Also, that guy was kinda wrong. Looks are a concern, as they are for women, but the bar is low. Above the threshold of "hambeast" guys'll chat anyone up. You can't be a hambeast because you're getting dates and attention on OLD - I know women that don't get that who are nothing worse than a bit plump, so you're ahead of the game there.

 

Ok, so "shy" can mean not being able to engage with people, or some might think a loner, introverted person who doesn't talk to anyone, doesn't have friends, basically a weirdo personality? Because with me, yes, there are times where I keep to myself, but it takes time for me to open up with a person only if they are welcoming and warm. I've always been insecure about myself and have been bullied when I was younger-so those might be a few factors why I don't open up to guys-like I'm sooo jealous of women that are very outgoing and have tons of friends, yet I don't have alot of friends-even though I make the effort and try, people just aren't interested in being around me. Does this sound like I have some problem here? Am I even ready to date?

[mammasita]

Ok, so "shy" can mean not being able to engage with people, or some might think a loner, introverted person who doesn't talk to anyone, doesn't have friends, basically a weirdo personality? Because with me, yes, there are times where I keep to myself, but it takes time for me to open up with a person only if they are welcoming and warm. I've always been insecure about myself and have been bullied when I was younger-so those might be a few factors why I don't open up to guys-like I'm sooo jealous of women that are very outgoing and have tons of friends, yet I don't have alot of friends-even though I make the effort and try, people just aren't interested in being around me. Does this sound like I have some problem here? Am I even ready to date?

 

There it is....it's not shyness, it's that you're not confident.

 

Be confident. I know, easier said than done - but that's the key.

[pulsar]

'Shyness' is sometimes a broad term to define many things under the sky. Whether it may be introversion, a quiet person, etc...

That being said, as a guy, I would not find shyness a turnoff as long as it does not inhibit the woman from becoming more open and letting a conversation flow. I'm somewhat initially shy as well as introverted but I can become easily absorbed in group of people and a good conversation (All dependent on the individuals and situations). But to answer your question, it would not be a turnoff as long as you don't sit there like a brick wall.

[bu2002]

Nothing is a bigger power down on a first date then having to carry the entire conversation. I am an introvert by nature but that's mostly in group settings. When it comes to one-on-one conversation, if a girl doesn't seem engaged, then I take it as low interest.

[BluEyeL]

Shyness, as well as lack of confidence are indeed killers in the dating field. I know that when I started, in Jan 2013, I wasn't confident and in the beginning I wasn't getting call backs because of that. Then I kept practicing and improving, my confidence skyrocketed and I got 100% call back rate 1st-2nd date over more than one year of dating. Which I never did in the first 5 months of dating online.

 

It wasn't looks. It was confidence. If you keep practicing and working at your confidence, you can solve the problem, like I did too.

[shet]

Ok, so "shy" can mean not being able to engage with people, or some might think a loner, introverted person who doesn't talk to anyone, doesn't have friends, basically a weirdo personality? Because with me, yes, there are times where I keep to myself, but it takes time for me to open up with a person only if they are welcoming and warm. I've always been insecure about myself and have been bullied when I was younger-so those might be a few factors why I don't open up to guys-like I'm sooo jealous of women that are very outgoing and have tons of friends, yet I don't have alot of friends-even though I make the effort and try, people just aren't interested in being around me. Does this sound like I have some problem here? Am I even ready to date?

 

You want to date, so you're ready to date. Nobody offers classes in doing it (or if they do you really don't want to attend them). We all muddle along. It's just the art of conversation. Eye contact. Keep conversation focus back and forth, probe for detail. Compliment and take compliments. Etc.

 

Insecurity will make you doubt your value compared to others. You'll think what you have to say is silly, what you do is boring, what you think is stupid. I felt that way once. All you really have to do is pay attention to everyone around you and you see not only are their lives generally as petty, doubt ridden and lacking in meaning as yours but in a number of ways you're better off. For a start off, at that exact moment you're more self aware than them. Every one of us is a lost scared ******* trying to navigate a brief confusing existence we didn't ask for clinging to a ball of rock hurtling through an utterly empty void with only each other for solace.

[spanishchick00]

Yeah, I can't be shy if I'm able to actually sign up on a dating site, post pictures of myself, exchange numbers and actually meet up with the guy. Its sooo stupid how people can judge a book by their cover.