Snooping on your WS’s computer and phone

[Spark1111]

Sheesh, what a completely thoughtless response.

 

Of course you wouldn't do these things in a stable relationship. That wasn't the point of this post and that's why it was in the "infidelity" folder.

 

I was in a 13 year relationship, married for 4 years, where I completely trusted my partner. There was no "missing time", we had "date night" twice a week, sex 2-3 times a week, our relationship always seemed to be progressing. I never went through these lengths to spy on my partner until he did and said things that gave me huge red flags that he was being unfaithful. That's when the snooping started (about a month ago), and that's how I found confirmation that my husband was cheating. And this weekend, I'm moving out.

 

I shared this because the steps I took helped me to:

 

1) Discover the truth about my WH and his OW

2) Evaluate the depth of the betrayal so I could decide if I wanted to stay or leave

3) Keep my plans to leave a secret from him, should he start snooping on me. You don't know my situation, you don't know why I'm hiding the apartment search, if I felt safe letting him know the truth, he'd damn-well know it. IF it was as easy as just packing a bag, I'd be gone.

 

Again, sheesh, what a thoughtless response, thinking that human relationships are so cut and dry and acting like its so easy to leave at a moments notice.

 

Part of my job is internet research, so this is something that I'm good at. I wanted to share what I learned with other people who could be facing a similar situation, who might not be as tech savvy. So I shared. 'Nuff said.

 

MQ, I did the same things in an effort to learn the truth of my sitch and what I uncovered parallels your experience.

 

Initially, after DDay, my FWH omitted, lied and diminished everything: I thought I was going crazy. I was. Being gaslighted can do that to any sane, trusting spouse.

 

If he said the sky was blue, I'd have to go outside and look up, so shattered was my trust in him.

 

meanwhile, I also discover his OW is not the ONLY woman he is flirting and texting with at that time.....

 

I think your advice is sound for any BS trying the learn the truth of their reality.

[goodyblue]

Hard to answer. I want what we had, but I know we can't get that back. Betrayal changes how you look at someone, even yourself. We both deserved to be loved fully for who we are, warts and all. I agreed to try reconciling but quickly realized I wasn't capable of being all in and that's not fair to him. Holding back felt a little like a form of punishment and I don't want to do that. If we are meant to be (some days I feel we are are), we will be divorce or not. But right now I just haven't healed enough to reconcile the right way.

 

I am not going to give you any advice. Only you know what is best for you. My heart aches for what you went through... I know it seems silly coming from me (in case you hadn't heard, I am the bad guy). I believe that in life, love matters. Are you in love with him or has it morphed into something else. Where do you see yourself in ten, twenty years?

 

He could be it, or there could be someone else... I truly believe we should seek happiness whatever that is for us (but I have learned not while we are stomping out another's).

[MightyQuinn]

Not thoughtless, honest.

 

And a pretty amateur way to go about things. Internet research may be part of your job but quite honestly the things you posted my six year old could figure out. None of this is new, any BS that could be caught using these techniques WANTS to be caught.

 

Just a post ago you described what I posted as going to "great lengths" to spy, now you're saying your 6-year-old could do it.

 

Make up your mind.

[goodyblue]

Hard to answer. I want what we had, but I know we can't get that back. Betrayal changes how you look at someone, even yourself. We both deserved to be loved fully for who we are, warts and all. I agreed to try reconciling but quickly realized I wasn't capable of being all in and that's not fair to him. Holding back felt a little like a form of punishment and I don't want to do that. If we are meant to be (some days I feel we are are), we will be divorce or not. But right now I just haven't healed enough to reconcile the right way.

 

I am not going to give you any advice. Only you know what is best for you. My heart aches for what you went through... I know it seems silly coming from me (in case you hadn't heard, I am the bad guy). I believe that in life, love matters. Are you in love with him or has it morphed into something else. Where do you see yourself in ten, twenty years?

 

He could be it, or there could be someone else... I truly believe we should seek happiness whatever that is for us (but I have learned not while we are stomping out another's).

[purplesorrow]

I am not going to give you any advice. Only you know what is best for you. My heart aches for what you went through... I know it seems silly coming from me (in case you hadn't heard, I am the bad guy). I believe that in life, love matters. Are you in love with him or has it morphed into something else. Where do you see yourself in ten, twenty years?

 

He could be it, or there could be someone else... I truly believe we should seek happiness whatever that is for us (but I have learned not while we are stomping out another's).

 

All the dust hasn't settled. I'm fully aware that divorcing could mean he finds someone else or I do. I'm ok with that I just want us both to be at peace. I don't have peace with him right now. His therapy and work is slowly turning him into someone I would date again. He has to win my heart back and he hasn't done that. I don't think you're the bad guy. I did think the two of them were monsters at first but not anymore. Everyone involved was hurt.

[HermioneG]

We still did all the special stuff, we held hands all the time. Always did sweet things for one another. Inside jokes, all that. We would text and call all throughout the day. He maintained that for most of his affair. Once the guilt got to be too much, there were small changes and I noticed because we did have that intimacy. His affair killed all that sweet innocence. I tried to reconcile but realized that couldn't be recovered despite all his remourse and working on himself. Sad really, I miss it.

 

Same.

 

When I was told he was having an affair by a third party I would have been less surprised had the person told me he was from Mars.

 

We had always been physically and emotionally intimate. He had been distracted at time, but when I would ask what was wrong I would be assured it was work, and then he would go right back to his normal, affectionate self.

 

Now. It was a different story after the initial discovery, when he took it underground and there was a false recovery. He was an angry and inexplicably punishing person during that time period, which is why I did spy and catch him at that point.

 

But when the affair started, and up until the initial discovery? No way.

 

I need to say this, and I hope it makes sense. I completely get why GoodyBlue asked the question that prompted both of these replies. It's human nature. You want to believe you can affair proof a relationship, or be assured that somehow it would never happen to you. It's always because somebody did not do enough- and I COMPLETELY understand that need to think that way.

 

But. It's not the truth. The truth is, things can be set in motion before you even meet your spouse or partner that may cause them to choose infidelity down the line, and unless the wayward recognizes it and makes better choices, there is absolutely nothing the betrayed can do to change that outcome. Because at the end of the day, infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital one. No one ever asks a physically abused spouse if they were emotionally intimate enough with their spouse prior to being abused. There's a reason for that. And it's no different here.

[Robert]

Let's keep the posts on topic, and no more pokes at each other please, thanks

[BetrayedH]

You know, I always enjoy your posts. You are sincere without being sh*tty and have lots of useful info.

 

 

I am of the opinion that if things are that bad there is generally no.coming back from it because the WS is too far out of the marriage and/or the BS is going to be so hurt/pissed/vindictive there is no forgiveness to be given.

 

If this is something that is going.to be done on the way out of th M and is simply an attempt at getting all the info possible for divorce court that is a little silly as well as most states do not even bring infidelity into the proceedings.

 

The only time it may be of value is if the WS is a public figure and the BS could finagle a higher settlement in lieu of making the A public knowledge. My guy runs a business and is on many boards in the community and when it came down to it, he didn't really care what his ex told anyone anyway so even that is a crap shoot.

 

But... I guess I can see how it would help emotional to take control of your life back when you felt things were being done without your consent.

 

Thank you for the compliment. I don't always succeed at not being sh*tty but I try. I've also come to appreciate that your perspective has softened and I sense some real empathy from you for some of the BSs around here.

 

In theory, I'd like to agree with you that some of the hypervigilance is pointless when one or both parties is "done." But in my case at least, it stopped at the theoretical. Not knowing the truth was maddening and put me at a disadvantage. On the flip side, getting even small pieces of truth helped me to process and make grounded decisions.

 

And even being in a no-fault state, it did help in the divorce: Oddly enough, while Florida specifically cites itself as no-fault, judges are still permitted to factor adultery into rulings on custody and support. So my wife ran a risk of a tempermental judge if we went to court. As well, her "hotwife" blog post (that I discovered 8 months into my hypervigilance) was quite an effective counterpoint to her ridiculous claims of me being a drunk and a poor parent. In fact, in her own words, she wrote about screwing the OM on our couch when the kids were asleep in the next room. Not only did she want to avoid that being part of the public record but her claims about my parenting would have fallen on deaf ears. The result was that she was forced to settle in mediation and I avoided court. I got 50/50 custody and she pays me child support.

 

If I hadn't been hypervigilant for those 8 months, I'd probably still be in a false reconciliation or I'd have been more screwed in the eventual divorce.

 

Is hypervigilance like that always useful? Of course not. Sometimes it does just beat the BS and WS over the head. But I think it's safer and smarter to know more than less. It can even help with a reconciliation because when the BS investigates and finds nothing, they both win.

[goodyblue]

Thank you for the compliment. I don't always succeed at not being sh*tty but I try. I've also come to appreciate that your perspective has softened and I sense some real empathy from you for some of the BSs around here.

 

In theory, I'd like to agree with you that some of the hypervigilance is pointless when one or both parties is "done." But in my case at least, it stopped at the theoretical. Not knowing the truth was maddening and put me at a disadvantage. On the flip side, getting even small pieces of truth helped me to process and make grounded decisions.

 

<snip>

 

Is hypervigilance like that always useful? Of course not. Sometimes it does just beat the BS and WS over the head. But I think it's safer and smarter to know more than less. It can even help with a reconciliation because when the BS investigates and finds nothing, they both win.

 

Wow. This is a case for the books.

 

Thing is, I can appreciate wanting the truth, but the OP's post <redacted> should focus on much more depth.

 

WH. I am sorry. It is a strange feeling to feel such heartbreak on the other inside of the fence. I have learned from both you and Purplesorrow today. There are always lessons to be had if we are open to them.

Edited December 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator