Alpha widows and beta men

[todreaminblue]

a long time ago I wanted to get back with my ex .....if you were going to classify him he would be a defined alpha......he is the naturally dominant male with other males....seen it time and time again.......he is imposing not in height but presence......one reason why I didnt want to go out with him when i first met him......he was off putting......

 

but then i got to know him.....and he let me have the softer side of him and that side i was attracted to......the side where he opened up to me.....

 

 

the reason i missed him and honestly still do .....was the connection we had.....he knew all my past he knew nearly everything about me....he could tell when i was upset even if i didnt say..he could read me ....and i was happy to let him......i could talk to him......he never ridiculed my feelings or thoughts....he was understanding and treated me well......most of the time...

 

when we broke up he ridiculed me severely....called me some horrible things.... and that was the finality all the trust i built up was gone......he knew that ...thats why he did it.....he didnt do it because he is an alpha...he did it because he knew that would force me to leave......

 

i think alpha widow is an illusion there could be a myriad of examples where its the inimate and unique connection between two people ...when lost....draws a feeling of missing that connection......like mine....i am not attracted to so called alpha males i am attracted to a male i find a connection with when i have that connection its hard for me to break it...nor would i want to.......that connection developed for a reason

 

people leave relationships for many reasons...to be an alpha widow.....i feel is an illusion...its more a positive connection that isnt found in the relationship you are currently in might cause you to miss or mourn the one you lost....all connections can be strengthened......you just have to make the effort to do it..not play th eblame game and give it a name like alpha widow...throwing blame away from your personal choices and failures...........deb

[gettingstronger]

Still...survey and post after post...say MOST NOT ALL..But Most WWS start an A with OM who is more physically fit or stronger looking that her BH...

 

Bad Boy or not it happens more that we think...

 

 

Yes, my husband is "better looking", has a "better job", etc.. than her husband and I guess we have what would qualify as a more exciting life- to me, its just us, its just who we are and how we live-to her its very glamorous- I know that was part of his attraction to her-to me, he is who is he-to her he was some high powered executive on an expense account-he fully admits the ego stroke and that his priorities were out of whack- he knows I'd give it all up just to have a happy life and great kids-thats all that mattered to me anyway-the rest is fluff and superficial- he is back on the right track now, but the damage is still there-

[goodyblue]

Sorry, I just have to say, part of the attraction to my guy is that he is alpha. He does not put up with my bullshiz. But what won me over is his sweetness. He is so loving to me and even more to the kids. Is that beta, or is that an alpha giving himself to me? .

[badkarma2013]

Many times it's not so much about te OM being more "alpha" per se, but rather he has some trait or characteristic that the H is lacking.

 

If the H is bald and the OM has a full head of wavy hair, she may go for that even though the OM is on the whole not as good looking as the H. If the H is homely and short and fat but makes a ton of money, she may go for the tall,buff handsome OM even though he is unemployed.

 

If the H is aggressive and domineering she may go for the OM because he is kind and supportive.

 

That means that the OM can be significantly more 'beta' in some ways.

 

Often times the OM/OW is a less desirable partner as a whole than the spouse but if the spouse is lacking in one key area that the OM/OW fulfills, then the WS will attempt to stay with spouse and get the other need met on the downlow.

 

*****************************************************************

 

You may have a point...(sounds like im contradicting my last post)..but try to learn something every day.....

 

THe only answer i EVER got from my EXWW and the only time I ever screamed at her...

 

 

We were going into court for the Final Hearing on the D...I askd the attys if we could have a moment....WE went into a conferance room..I screamed "WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US "....She started to cry and said this to me.."HE FOUND A NEED I DID NOT KNOW I HAD"...I walked away

 

I would have hope it would had been more complex than that...But maybe its just that simple..

[badkarma2013]

Still...survey and post after post...say MOST NOT ALL..But Most WWS start an A with OM who is more physically fit or stronger looking that her BH...

 

Bad Boy or not it happens more that we think...

 

 

Yes, my husband is "better looking", has a "better job", etc.. than her husband and I guess we have what would qualify as a more exciting life- to me, its just us, its just who we are and how we live-to her its very glamorous- I know that was part of his attraction to her-to me, he is who is he-to her he was some high powered executive on an expense account-he fully admits the ego stroke and that his priorities were out of whack- he knows I'd give it all up just to have a happy life and great kids-thats all that mattered to me anyway-the rest is fluff and superficial- he is back on the right track now, but the damage is still there-

 

 

The horrific thing for all BSs..R OR D...go or stay...THE DAMAGE will be with us always....

[gettingstronger]

.THE DAMAGE will be with us always....

 

 

Agreed- and in our case, as with so many others, so unnecessary- he had no intention of leaving and still in therapy can not figure out how he got to the point where he lost sight of what matters to him, why his ego was so low, why he needed/wanted that extra stroke-he is less than what he was before his A in his mind and in mine as well- worked so hard to get to where we were and blew it-all of the status, etc.. that seemed so important to him at one point is tarnished by who he allowed himself to become-

[badkarma2013]

.THE DAMAGE will be with us always....

 

 

Agreed- and in our case, as with so many others, so unnecessary- he had no intention of leaving and still in therapy can not figure out how he got to the point where he lost sight of what matters to him, why his ego was so low, why he needed/wanted that extra stroke-he is less than what he was before his A in his mind and in mine as well- worked so hard to get to where we were and blew it-all of the status, etc.. that seemed so important to him at one point is tarnished by who he allowed himself to become-

 

I agree...Im my case my WW did things in her affair with OM...I could never forget ..She was so TARNISHED to me i had to D...i could never fathom touching her again..after i found out what she did..

[road]

I agree...Im my case my WW did things in her affair with OM...I could never forget ..She was so TARNISHED to me i had to D...i could never fathom touching her again..after i found out what she did..

 

Oral, sausage in the oven, hand, back door. I mean sex is sex.

[ascendotum]

Many times it's not so much about te OM being more "alpha" per se, but rather he has some trait or characteristic that the H is lacking.

 

If the H is bald and the OM has a full head of wavy hair, she may go for that even though the OM is on the whole not as good looking as the H. If the H is homely and short and fat but makes a ton of money, she may go for the tall,buff handsome OM even though he is unemployed.

 

If the H is aggressive and domineering she may go for the OM because he is kind and supportive.

 

That means that the OM can be significantly more 'beta' in some ways.

 

Often times the OM/OW is a less desirable partner as a whole than the spouse but if the spouse is lacking in one key area that the OM/OW fulfills, then the WS will attempt to stay with spouse and get the other need met on the downlow.

 

I agree with this. There was a post here from an guy who considers himslef an alpha who's wife had an affair with a beta guy who was more caring, romantic & good with the kids. So yep if one is too much at either end of the spectrum their woman will seek out the other aspects of the relationship they miss.

 

Its not always an alpha thing, but I do believe woman are innately attracted to more masculine men. If I look at my male friends and split them into 2 groups -the more desirable and the less desirable. The top group of guys cheated on their gf/wives more and did not seem they got cheated on much, and for the bottom 50% group of guys it was the inverse. The guys were not split along alpha/beta lines at when it came their success with women, but yeah there is an element of co-relation there for sure.

 

With the hookup culture in full force, women are clocking up a lot more experiences with more desirable men than past generations. I personally think it can have an impact on quite a number feeling they have settled or feeling dissatisfied that their husband was not more like x, y or z or her former fwbs.

[todreaminblue]

.THE DAMAGE will be with us always....

 

 

Agreed- and in our case, as with so many others, so unnecessary- he had no intention of leaving and still in therapy can not figure out how he got to the point where he lost sight of what matters to him, why his ego was so low, why he needed/wanted that extra stroke-he is less than what he was before his A in his mind and in mine as well- worked so hard to get to where we were and blew it-all of the status, etc.. that seemed so important to him at one point is tarnished by who he allowed himself to become-

 

reminds me of a saying from the series v....that i loved...that of course got discontinued...

 

THE DAMAGE will be with us always....

 

 

 

to this

 

 

we are of peace always from the series V

 

 

 

 

turns out the last thign they wanted was peace.....anyway excellent show....

 

damage done to us ...doesnt have to impede our desire for peace or our ability to have peace.....damage scars and will always scar... ....doesnt mean that those scars cant turn a pale silvery white......they do...with time.....i have many silver scars on me some able to be seen some not

 

 

i actually truly believe that the most damage done is to the person who dishes out the damage......and feel that damage was justified and right to do...to me that is a more damaged person....a person who hurts others....not the person who gets hurt.......we should feel sympathy for them not for us........deb

[Jkidding]

Hi, I havent read all replies just authors original post. Talking about alphas and betas I believe you cant fake or learn that. I believe it is biological or genetical. I think alphas have more testosterone hormone. Hehe, they usually have more hairs on their chest back hands or even ears. That hormone makes people more aggresive. Alphas will get more sex partners I believe. But when it comes to creating real lasting relationships I think betas have as much chances as alphas do. I have seen beta men having wonderful families. Maybe because they picked women who knew what is good for them and their kids. Hence pick women carefully. Some women are created for fun others for family. Same goes for men!

I would recommend this: beta men are often deprived of sex (unless they have partner). So they appear needy. That turns women off. Use your hands men :-) some people both men and women need more than one glance to fell in love. You meet girls in clubs, sports etc - do not rush. It may take even few months or even more to get attracted or become attractive to someone. Sure everyone wants to get in bed on first date but... Have patience. Dont be needy. And be clean shaved and appropriatelly dressed.

Edited December 21, 2014 by Jkidding

[dichotomy]

I know the terms alpha and beta are very generic and would argue against what they mean - but will stick with them for this discussion.

 

I do believe one can change and grow and be better or different. I have seen introverts turn into butterflies (women) and betas into alphas (men) at least in some ways and times. It can be done.

 

I think I have had a mixture of both traits, some rather sharp differences (hence my name here Dichotomy) that both men and women have puzzled over. Over the years I have I believe tipped the scale and become more alpha. Or perhaps lets say I can do the full on alpha thing for periods of time as needed. Age and experience brings some benefits.

 

What Oldshirt and others have mentioned is very wise. Sometimes the OM simply offers something the husband does not. There have been more than one story here of a wife with a husband hung like a horse and very outgoing - and the WW having an affair with some some beta guy because he offered (or made her feel) something she was not getting at home. Frankly some women (and men) are never happy having to settle or compromise on somethings in a marriage (what spouse can present it all?) - and so they chase what they missing or had elsewhere before hand.

Edited December 21, 2014 by dichotomy

[Striver]

I think I have had a mixture of both traits, some rather sharp differences (hence my name here Dichotomy) that both men and women have puzzled over. Over the years I have I believe tipped the scale and become more alpha. Or perhaps lets say I can do the full on alpha thing for periods of time as needed. Age and experience brings some benefits.

 

What Oldshirt and others have mentioned is very wise. Sometimes the OM simply offers something the husband does not. There have been more than one story here of a wife with a husband hung like a horse and very outgoing - and the WW having an affair with some some beta guy because he offered (or made her feel) something she was not getting at home. Frankly some women (and men) are never happy having to settle or compromise on somethings in a marriage (what spouse can present it all?) - and so they chase what they missing or had elsewhere before hand.

 

This is very true.

 

I have read some of the "manosphere" material, and while that approach can be very overdone, the point that men and women have innate differences is important.

 

How many men start posts on the OM/OW board? Almost none of them. If they are in that situation they are either content with the woman as a side piece, or it isn't enough and they resolve the situation. Women are different. They are more prone to being "stuck" in the OW role, more likely to leave a marriage if there is a EA or PA. Women tend to "want it all" - to want BOTH beta and alpha out of their men, sometimes simultaneously and in contradiction. Men can adapt and be very flexible, but are much less likely to change and adapt in the way women sometimes do.

 

In my relationship, there was one incident STBXW brought up several times. We have a child with a learning disability. One day W came home after a visit to the doctor and said "they told us our child has condition X." Apparently I really let her down by not having an emotive enough response to this event.

 

Now I'm very analytical, very left brain. Math and computer science. I would not say that immediate emotional response is always my strong suit. Sometimes I have to fake it a bit. Sometimes when I hear something emotional in an argument, it can take a day or more for me to process what was said and why I don't agree. Now if the same or similar arguments are repeated, I can respond more quickly. Just the way my brain works.

 

Anyway, I don't really agree with my W on what she was so upset about. If I had known this was such a dealbreaker, of course I would have faked it or whatever I needed to do. For one thing, that day didn't really change anything for our child, since no treatments were changed. It was basically slapping a name on what the child has. Furthermore, I am really put off by how my wife talks about the child. W is way too negative when she talks about it and it sort of disgusts me. Since then, the child has continued to make progress and showed personal development in other ways, and I have enjoyed watching the development. They're our children, mine and hers, and I will defend them to the end.

 

So although I can be very accommodating, lots of beta behavior, in this case I seem to be reacting in more of an alpha way, but STBXW wanted beta. Then she talked to other people, friends and probably OM, and they likely comforted her or she heard whatever she wanted to hear. So yeah, sometimes it's just that the other person is different from you somehow.