Well I didn't expect that.. [Update!]

[Radu]

I think this was the most confusing part of the whole thing. When I got home I was just thinking did I just get dumped or did she make me dump her? Because she was clearly torn up by the whole thing and me telling her there is practically 0 chance of us being friends sent her into hysterics. She was definitely trying to put the ball in my court, which is bull**** she is the one ending it if she wants anything to do with me that is not my responsibility. I'm not going to go back to her groveling for a consolation prize, I don't see her as just a friend she was my partner as well and I have a very hard time separating the two hence why I'm not friends with my exes.

 

She told me to contact her when I'm feeling better if I want to be friends which is why I doubt I will ever hear from her again, because she will assume I hate her and that I don't want to be friends. (later is true but I certainly don't hate her).

 

Beyond the fact that you were a man and a man is supposed to take responsability for the boat sinking ... even if it was the first mate's action, it was probably the anxiety stuff.

Depression and anxiety is something i also know and for a while i let them control me, so i can vouch that sometimes you try to manipulate others in making a decision for you ... that way you deflect responsability.

[Radu]

I do worry somewhat about it. Because everyone around me tells me I'm going to be ok. I am ok, that is the thing I'm OK and even if I'm not ok I know I will be soon. Then they are like "oh well it's going to hit you like a ton of bricks and when it does that's ok too". When that doesn't happen I feel like there must be something wrong with me that I'm cold and detached I've become desensitised to loss. I don't know I worry that I don't value the things I have lost as much, if that even makes sense. I just accept they are gone and that is reality.

 

You are probably desensitized to weakness and loss.

 

I used to think the same thing when i was 14 and i did not cry or feel a great amount of sadness that my grandparents died [i didn't realize it at the time but i hated their guts deep down].

After that incident, it became easier to just bottle it up and control my emotions.

 

Last yr i was trapped in an elevator, small one, with 3 other ppl and it was a distinct possibility that it might fall from the 6th floor.

Everyone panicked to some extent ... i was calm and said that if we do fall from that height it will be over very quickly and we shouldn't suffer that much.

Everyone looked at me like i was a freak.

[Halcyon]

I wouldnt feel too bad about not showing enough emotions because people handle things differently. I cared more about an ex that lasted three months over one that lasted three years at one point. Just keep doing what you're doing and you will be fine.

 

I can clearly remember a time when I wasn't like who I am now. The first girl I ever dated I bawled my eyes out for months screaming why oh why would this ever happen. We had only dated for a month... I was devastated. That was over a decade ago. Now these sort of things barely register as a blip on my radar and I do think that is a bit sad in a way.

 

You are probably desensitized to weakness and loss.

 

I used to think the same thing when i was 14 and i did not cry or feel a great amount of sadness that my grandparents died [i didn't realize it at the time but i hated their guts deep down].

After that incident, it became easier to just bottle it up and control my emotions.

 

Last yr i was trapped in an elevator, small one, with 3 other ppl and it was a distinct possibility that it might fall from the 6th floor.

Everyone panicked to some extent ... i was calm and said that if we do fall from that height it will be over very quickly and we shouldn't suffer that much.

Everyone looked at me like i was a freak.

 

Quite similar to me to be honest about my grandparents. It wasn't until I was much older I realised how much I had disliked them, my final grand father passed away last year and I felt absolutely nothing. Mostly because I had learnt some years ago he physically abused my mother as a child and had emotionally abused her during my childhood when he became too frail to do the other.

Edited December 15, 2014 by Halcyon

[Halcyon]

So it's 5 days after the breakup. I still feel nothing which is bothering me. I tried an experiment last night thinking about some of the saddest times in my life and surely feelings started to well inside me but I put a lid on that.

 

Naturally I haven't heard from her and of course I have not contacted her. I think more than anything I miss our conversations, she was very bright and we would talk for hours on end about all sorts of topics. She was always interested and insisted I teach her things that most people would find incredibly boring. I crave intellectual stimulation and I learned a lot of things from her as well.

 

Of course I miss her companionship but I've come to learn that comes in goes in life. I don't know just felt like writing an update, writing seems to help me a lot in these times hence why I have been posting a lot in this forum the last few days.

[Halcyon]

Still going strong with NC. I miss talking to her but other than that I'm ok, starting to question if I really cared about her that much or maybe on a subconscious level I knew things were not going to last. Thus why I'm not beside myself.

 

I guess I had noticed pretty early on once she came out of her shell (3rd or 4th date) that she seemed pretty anxious about a lot of stuff. Was she making the right choice in study, would she be able to get a job, how people perceive her. Low self esteem about her body image (she is pretty and I'm not been generous, she is). And I guess I knew from my own experience in the past with anxiety I did some irrational things that years later I regretted (such as breaking up with someone I really cared about over something trivial, geez deja vu much... basically I got scared).

 

Don't get me wrong we had a lot of fun together and I was fine talking to her about what was going on with her and she always expressed gratitude because more often than not I was able to make her feel better about things. I guess in the back of my head I knew there was a good chance she was going to bolt, she didn't seem to deal well with new unexpected feelings/situations.

 

When she told me the first time she had fallen in love with me she cried for 20 minutes and she said it's because she has never felt that strongly about someone and it was scary... so I guess I wondered how she would react if things got more serious. I guess I got my answer. It was a lame excuse, quite possibly the lamest reason anyone has given for breaking up I have gotten. I didn't want to make things hard for her though, she is a good person and I just accepted she can't or doesn't want to be in a relationship with me for whatever the real reason is.

 

I'm trying to find things I can learn from this relationship the most important thing I've learnt is don't buy presents for people you care about at Christmas I kid. My friends said I should stop dating people with untreated mental illness, which is hard because it's not like I go out there looking for people like that.

 

Mental illness is something that has been at the fore front of my life for as long as I can remember. Pretty much all my friends suffer from some sort of mental illness and sadly I have lost friends to suicide. It's just another fact of life for me and doesn't really phase me.

 

I often wonder about the correlation between intelligence and mental illness the people who are my friends I consider quite brilliant in a lot of ways they are doctors, lawyers, scientists, engineers, IT professionals etc. I don't dare call myself intelligent as I feel that is incredibly arrogant. However many of my closest friends keep telling me I am and that I suffer from the Dunning–Kruger effect, which is probably true. I just think I'm competent at what I do not amazing and there is so much more I need to learn. Anyway now I'm just ranting.

 

I'm filling my time with things I've been neglecting such as teaching myself guitar, building stuff and well writing here a lot seems to help. Spending lots of time with friends and family.