Well I didn't expect that.. [Update!]

[Halcyon]

Hello all, thanks for reading very confused at the moment.

 

So I just got blindsided by my GF (now ex) of 7 months yesterday. Basically everything had been going fine up until about a month and a half ago. I had a bunch of bad **** happen in a short period of time.

 

My best friend was hospitalized for over a month and my father became very ill and needed major surgery and was in hospital for a few weeks. Work was stressful at this time of year and there was some other minor stuff happening as well. I kept myself together, I've had a lot of crap thrown at me in life so I've become pretty resilient.

 

Of course I talked to my girlfriend about this and she commented several times over the weeks about how composed I seemed considering what was going on. That she would be a wreck if she had the same things going on, she was genuinely supportive and lovely.

 

About two weeks ago whilst staying at my place she became ill and I had to take her to the ER. Sat with her for 4 hours whilst they did blood tests and such. Doctors gave her some medicine and said to go to GP for results in a few days. Blood tests came back inconclusive, doctors were confused with what was wrong.

 

I kept checking up on her each day just to see how she was going she said I was very sweet and kept me up to date. About a week and half ago when I called her she said she had woken up and couldn't move for about a minute. I was quite concerned, she went and had a MRI but it came back with nothing abnormal.

 

So anyway she had been feeling pretty sick until a few days ago she seemed very happy and chirpy again when I was talking to her on the phone. She was talking about Christmas and such. I can't remember what exactly it was about but I mentioned I had got her a little gift nothing crazy and then we arranged to meet up in a few days.

 

Well I met her yesterday and she told me she couldn't be with me anymore because after I told her I had got her a present she had a panic attack. She felt that was not a normal reaction for someone you are in a relationship with and thus had to break up with me because it's not fair on me. Told me I deserve better to which I replied I don't even know what that means anymore. I really ****ing hate it when people tell me that because it's so selfish, why do they get to decide if I deserve better? That is my choice.

 

Anyway I asked her if there was anything wrong with the relationship. She started crying and stated there was nothing wrong that I was always kind to her, she trusted me with things she has never told anyone, that we had a ridiculous amount in common, that she really cared about me deeply and that she has a lot of fun with me. Just that because she had such an abnormal reaction to something she should be happy about she thinks that is wrong. (I'm her first serious relationship)

 

Anyway I didn't beg or try to convince her otherwise (I don't really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me). I just said if that is how she feels then I will respect her decision. She really wanted to be friends (gee how original) and asked how long would I need? (wtf?) I asked her why? Because she would really still like to have me in her life if it's not too weird. I was honest and told her I have a very bad track record of being friends with my exes and so I could make no promises, she started crying again.

 

Anyway I drove her home and we sat outside her place in my car for an hour and talked and she kept crying on and off. This was incredibly awkward. What was most alarming for me though is I felt nothing other than shock. I didn't cry, I held myself together. She kept asking me how I felt and I said I felt numb, that with all the other **** that had been going on recently that I felt like my emotions had burnt out. She then hugged me for a couple of minutes.

 

When she decided to leave she hesitated for another 15 minutes and it looked like her heart broke when she finally left my car. She looked back once and then kept walking.

 

I went home and got a phone call from my mother informing me a relative overseas had just passed away. I started laughing hysterically to which my mother rightfully asked what the **** was I laughing about and I explained what had happened and stated that life is **** sometimes, to which she agreed.

 

A day later I still feel nothing. I went to a party, people asked me where my GF was I lied and said she was busy. I really did not want a pitty party. I laughed, joked got drunk and still I feel nothing. What the **** is wrong with me? I love my ex dearly but why do I feel nothing...

 

I don't even know what the **** just happened.

Edited December 14, 2014 by Halcyon

[mircea.savu19]

Hello mate, I must admit, you story touched me. The only reason to think about why she wanted to break-up with you is that she's too scared to take a relationship to the next step ? Maybe she doesn't realise that, mentally maybe she isn't enough mature for a serious relationship (you mentioned that it was her first serious relation).

As for you, I don't think you don't feel nothing. You've just been into a lot of stress lately, it's a shock for you to realise what really happened (with so many bad things that happened in your life). You are very mature and just because you didn't cry, that doesn't mean you don't feel anything for her. Probably in the future, you'll start to feel more pain, I hope not. Your ex-girlfriend is emotionally unstable, maybe because she has a young age.

After the break-up you didn't do anything wrong, don't accuse yourself of anything, keep calm and in time, everything will get back to normal.

[Survivor12]

Just curious--how old are you & your gf?

[Elle1975]

I'd say you probably have your priorities in order. Your family took priority over this girl, and that's fine. Also you might have realized that this break up isn't the end of the world (and really, it is not..).

 

Not sure if she's really ill, or really hypochondriac, but either way, concentrate on your family and friends, that's where your roots are.

[devilish innocent]

I think the way you got dumped spared you a lot of the pain that usually comes with being dumped. First, you didn't have to be embarrassed by anything you'd done wrong. She wasn't blaming you for anything. Then, you didn't have to deal with the idea that she didn't like you anymore. Her reaction to the break-up made it obvious that she was going to miss you. Finally, you didn't even have to say to good-bye to her if you didn't want to. By asking to stay friends, it was almost as though she turned you into the dumper. She wanted you guys to stay in each other's lives, but you were the one who had to tell her it wasn't going to work.

 

I think it might get harder when you start to miss her. You haven't been without her long enough to miss her yet. You also had other people around you when you were at the party. Even if you don't talk about what's going on, it means you're not likely to feel lonely.

[HurtGator]

By asking to stay friends, it was almost as though she turned you into the dumper. She wanted you guys to stay in each other's lives, but you were the one who had to tell her it wasn't going to work.

 

Funny how she turned the tables huh? This is why you should just ignore them all together when they break up with you so you don't fall into that trap. By doing this, it keep the responsibility on their court.

[Halcyon]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

Hello mate, I must admit, you story touched me. The only reason to think about why she wanted to break-up with you is that she's too scared to take a relationship to the next step ? Maybe she doesn't realise that, mentally maybe she isn't enough mature for a serious relationship (you mentioned that it was her first serious relation).

As for you, I don't think you don't feel nothing. You've just been into a lot of stress lately, it's a shock for you to realise what really happened (with so many bad things that happened in your life). You are very mature and just because you didn't cry, that doesn't mean you don't feel anything for her. Probably in the future, you'll start to feel more pain, I hope not. Your ex-girlfriend is emotionally unstable, maybe because she has a young age.

After the break-up you didn't do anything wrong, don't accuse yourself of anything, keep calm and in time, everything will get back to normal.

 

 

I'm thinking she just got scared of what she was feeling and bolted rather than facing it. I'm honestly never expecting to hear from her again, I'm a realist and history has taught me that this is the most likely outcome. I'm just tired, the last few years have been very rough for me in some regards, losing people very dear to me both in them dying and loss of relationships. I've been very fortunate in other ways having such a great family and friends.

 

Just curious--how old are you & your gf?

 

I'm 27 been in the real world for some time now, learnt quite young the world can chew you up and spit you out but that it is also what you make of it. She is 22 very bright, funny and was genuinely caring about other people. However she was very fearful of the world, in particular what the future would hold and was often down about that. She fully admits she has been sheltered in the world, hiding behind study.

 

I'd say you probably have your priorities in order. Your family took priority over this girl, and that's fine. Also you might have realized that this break up isn't the end of the world (and really, it is not..).

 

Not sure if she's really ill, or really hypochondriac, but either way, concentrate on your family and friends, that's where your roots are.

 

Well I know she was ill when she was over at my place. Don't really want to go into to detail but she was. I'm thinking with the other stuff more than likely she has a undiagnosed anxiety disorder. No judgement on that as I've lived for a long time with depression and anxiety issues, the difference being I don't let them control my life. I've learnt how to deal with those issues and feelings.

 

I'm concerned that me feeling nothing is a sign I'm becoming increasingly jaded. I had a very nasty break up around this time last year (December seems to be a bad time for me and relationships that relationship was 2.5 years) which makes this seem like nothing. Mostly I'm just tired, so very tired. My last three relationships my exes in some way or another have told me they were not good enough for me and that I deserved better.

 

This makes me angry because I feel like they are telling me how I should feel and that I couldn't possibly be happy with them. It's also very isolating, I like to think I'm a genuinely caring person. Nothing in my life is as important to me than my friends and family and whoever I'm with, I'm very open about my feelings. Saying that makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong in being a loving, caring supportive partner.

 

That I should lower that somehow in order to make them not feel inadequate. I know it really has nothing to do with me but rather their own issues but it's still bloody frustrating.

Edited December 14, 2014 by Halcyon

[Halcyon]

I think the way you got dumped spared you a lot of the pain that usually comes with being dumped. First, you didn't have to be embarrassed by anything you'd done wrong. She wasn't blaming you for anything. Then, you didn't have to deal with the idea that she didn't like you anymore. Her reaction to the break-up made it obvious that she was going to miss you. Finally, you didn't even have to say to good-bye to her if you didn't want to. By asking to stay friends, it was almost as though she turned you into the dumper. She wanted you guys to stay in each other's lives, but you were the one who had to tell her it wasn't going to work.

 

I think it might get harder when you start to miss her. You haven't been without her long enough to miss her yet. You also had other people around you when you were at the party. Even if you don't talk about what's going on, it means you're not likely to feel lonely.

 

Funny how she turned the tables huh? This is why you should just ignore them all together when they break up with you so you don't fall into that trap. By doing this, it keep the responsibility on their court.

 

I think this was the most confusing part of the whole thing. When I got home I was just thinking did I just get dumped or did she make me dump her? Because she was clearly torn up by the whole thing and me telling her there is practically 0 chance of us being friends sent her into hysterics. She was definitely trying to put the ball in my court, which is bull**** she is the one ending it if she wants anything to do with me that is not my responsibility. I'm not going to go back to her groveling for a consolation prize, I don't see her as just a friend she was my partner as well and I have a very hard time separating the two hence why I'm not friends with my exes.

 

She told me to contact her when I'm feeling better if I want to be friends which is why I doubt I will ever hear from her again, because she will assume I hate her and that I don't want to be friends. (later is true but I certainly don't hate her).

[lolablue17]

I think you deal with EVERYTHING so well, and it bothers you.

 

You don't trust your strength, and you don't believe in you, so you wait suspiciously to a disaster, asking yourself "when is the sky going to fall?"

 

You just have a talent to protect yourself, its a gift. Its a good thing. What happened with you GF that she convinced herself that she is hurting you so much and she can't believe she didn't. it hits her ego to realize that you're not devastated because of her, that's why she keep telling you to "call her when you feel better". If you felt bad, it means she is very important.

 

You are doing just fine. of course it's not a picnic, but you will be OK.

[mtnbiker3000]

Gotta admit, I didn't read the whole thing. But what I did read, I wonder... Another person in the picture, perhaps???

[lolablue17]

Gotta admit, I didn't read the whole thing. But what I did read, I wonder... Another person in the picture, perhaps???

 

Of course there's someone else. No doubts!

[HurtGator]

Of course there's someone else. No doubts!

 

So there had to be emotional cheating going on.

[Feelbettersoon]

I too got dumped when everything else in life was s**tty.. Bad things happen in 3s right?!

 

You seem to be really strong, and if you've experienced a rough breakup last December, that could of prepared your coping skills for this situation.

 

Iv always found that the kindest, strongest people out there are the ones who have been through many a bad time!

[elaine567]

With her health problem here, could it be she got some bad news re her health and is freeing you up to find someone else. Just a thought.

[Halcyon]

I think you deal with EVERYTHING so well, and it bothers you.

 

You don't trust your strength, and you don't believe in you, so you wait suspiciously to a disaster, asking yourself "when is the sky going to fall?"

 

You just have a talent to protect yourself, its a gift. Its a good thing. What happened with you GF that she convinced herself that she is hurting you so much and she can't believe she didn't. it hits her ego to realize that you're not devastated because of her, that's why she keep telling you to "call her when you feel better". If you felt bad, it means she is very important.

 

You are doing just fine. of course it's not a picnic, but you will be OK.

 

I do worry somewhat about it. Because everyone around me tells me I'm going to be ok. I am ok, that is the thing I'm OK and even if I'm not ok I know I will be soon. Then they are like "oh well it's going to hit you like a ton of bricks and when it does that's ok too". When that doesn't happen I feel like there must be something wrong with me that I'm cold and detached I've become desensitised to loss. I don't know I worry that I don't value the things I have lost as much, if that even makes sense. I just accept they are gone and that is reality.

 

I just see it as rolling with the punches and getting on with my life. There is no point wasting more time than is needed for things that can't be changed.

 

That is not to say I don't get upset and sad of course I do, just years of sad things I've learnt to cope, each time it's a little easier to move forward.

 

 

Gotta admit, I didn't read the whole thing. But what I did read, I wonder... Another person in the picture, perhaps???

 

Yeah I don't think so... why do so many people seem to jump to that conclusion when people break up? There are other reasons for breaking up with someone. Not everyone is a sack of ****.

 

With her health problem here, could it be she got some bad news re her health and is freeing you up to find someone else. Just a thought.

 

This had crossed my mind. Honestly this would be the scenario that would actually hurt me the most. I really hope this is not the case.

[Trep]

Yeah I don't think so... why do so many people seem to jump to that conclusion when people break up? There are other reasons for breaking up with someone. Not everyone is a sack of ****.

 

 

So many people jump to that conclusion because more often then not, that is exactly what happens.

 

I'm not saying this is the case with you but I wouldn't be suprised. It just seems extremely odd to me how she says you're pretty much perfect but she broke up with you because she wasn't happy with her reaction when she found out you bought her a present? What the hell kind of a reason for a break up is that.

[Halcyon]

So many people jump to that conclusion because more often then not, that is exactly what happens.

 

I'm not saying this is the case with you but I wouldn't be suprised. It just seems extremely odd to me how she says you're pretty much perfect but she broke up with you because she wasn't happy with her reaction when she found out you bought her a present? What the hell kind of a reason for a break up is that.

 

Yep it's a stupid reason but I've stopped trying to apply logic to peoples emotions because it will drive you insane. All I have to realise is she didn't want to be in the relationship any more the reason doesn't matter. Basically people are weird as a whole and do weird things for weird reasons.

 

I must be a ****ing unicorn then because I've never left a relationship because there was someone else. I've left for other reasons but not because of that. Yes I've been cheated on before but usually there is some pretty telling signs, there was nothing obvious with this. She just decided she needed to bail for whatever reason.

Edited December 15, 2014 by Halcyon

[mtnbiker3000]

Yeah I don't think so... why do so many people seem to jump to that conclusion when people break up? There are other reasons for breaking up with someone. Not everyone is a sack of ****.

 

Because it happens all... the... time!!! And it's one of the number one reasons relationships fail. Now, why a partner might start to look or be tempted to go outside of the RS could be for any one of a thousand reasons.

[mtnbiker3000]

It just seems extremely odd to me how she says you're pretty much perfect but she broke up with you because she wasn't happy with her reaction when she found out you bought her a present? What the hell kind of a reason for a break up is that.

 

Agreed!!!!!!

[mtnbiker3000]

And... IME, this seems to happen to guys a lot more often!!!

[Allumere]

I think she was too young for you. Now that isn't said to make you feel old or wrong or anything like that. There is a big difference between a 27 YO and a 22 YO in terms of life experience, maturity and expectations. Part of her issue may have been that she couldn't handle your life. It stressed her out and she didn't know how to handle it. My guess is she on some level may have realized she has nothing to offer you during your times of stress and in some warped girl think, this affected how she felt about herself...feeling that she was falling short. It's a stretch but given her age I would say a possibility.

[Halcyon]

I think she was too young for you. Now that isn't said to make you feel old or wrong or anything like that. There is a big difference between a 27 YO and a 22 YO in terms of life experience, maturity and expectations. Part of her issue may have been that she couldn't handle your life. It stressed her out and she didn't know how to handle it. My guess is she on some level may have realized she has nothing to offer you during your times of stress and in some warped girl think, this affected how she felt about herself...feeling that she was falling short. It's a stretch but given her age I would say a possibility.

 

Not far off the bat I think. In fact I think this is a common theme with me which is why I'm worried as I am. A few months ago she had asked me if I thought she was a baby? I asked her to elaborate and she said she felt that I was fiercely independent (in a good way) and that I was able to shrug bad stuff off as another part of life without much concern made her feel inadequate. Because she was struggling with stuff she considered silly and I would have to coax things out of her because she felt her problems were not important. She became better at expressing herself though as time went on.

 

Of course I reassured her and explained why I enjoyed spending time with her and that talking to her about my problems helped me feel better, that her problems were not silly if they were bothering her and she seemed ok with that but maybe not. I was pretty wary of her age when we started dating but we got along so well and she seemed quite mature for her age even if she was lacking the same life experience as me.

 

My previous ex after a nasty break up told me that I was like a mountain, unmovable I would be ok regardless if people were around or not and felt she was just there and felt guilty because I was always helping her with her problems but she felt she couldn't help me (even though she was). Basically she wanted me to lean on her more than I did. I don't even know how I can start addressing this. My mantra for a long time has been "You can't rely on anyone but yourself because you're the only person who will be with you in the end". It has gotten me through some tough times and I really try to be open with my partners about what I'm feeling and it does help me talking about things and I express that I'm appreciative of that but it seems like it's not enough...

Edited December 15, 2014 by Halcyon

[lauri]

Dude there is nothing wrong with you. You actually have amazing attribute and personality traits. No girl is going to want to be with a guy who cannot handle his emotions...I think that you have a gift in a lot of ways. I've had girls end things because I was going through a rough patch and I tried to lean on them for comfort...ever since then, I just deal with these problems internally and with myself.

 

Honestly, if most of us had your ability to handle breakups like you have, we wouldn't probably avoided a lot of the pain we have gone through.

[hoping2heal]

The panic attack seems like a very over the top reaction

 

I would wager a high possibility that either

 

1. She is not that into you or committed and therefore your present spooked her and she felt guilty

2. There was someone else and she felt guilty

 

or 3. A combo of both at once?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Your story mimics a lot of the usual components....hell, in fact, yours mimics mine ex that brought me here a long time ago.

 

I will tell you that I can almost promise you there is someone else in the picture, hence the large panic attack. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings and is scared she is making the wrong choice. In the end, however, she made the choice. People make that assumption because its the most common outcome.

 

I wouldnt feel too bad about not showing enough emotions because people handle things differently. I cared more about an ex that lasted three months over one that lasted three years at one point. Just keep doing what you're doing and you will be fine.