my story

[johnissad]

I’ve been lurking on this board and decided to tell my story because I need advice. I’m speaking to my ex-gf tonight for the first time since our break up occurred about 1 month ago. Its been all email and texts to date. I want to reconciliation. And I’ve read quite a few post about reconciliation (Bedour and Diagonal in particular).

 

I keep things brief. We were together 3 years. At the end she thought I didn’t care anymore. The last few months weren’t bad but we did have issues. We expressed love for each other and were intimate up to 3 weeks before the breakup (11/20). The last time we were intimate she looked into my eyes and said ‘I’ve never felt more comfortable with any other man that I do with you’.

 

Then the break up occurred after an argument I started…questioning things in our relationship because I knew things were not right. Several days late she agreed and broke up with me via email.

 

I sent her a very heartfelt email reflecting on our relationship, admitting my mistakes, told her I love her…that I am in love with her and I want another chance. She said she can’t…she was too tapped out emotionally. I tried to get her to meet me and talk. At first she said yes…then no. Then the bomb shell. She said she has reconnected with someone. I was DEVESTATED and I let her know just how much I was hurting. I asked again to see and talk…we are not teenagers who breakup by email…I deserve that much. She agreed. Then she backed out. I went NC/LC. A few emails exchangeed about wrap up items (return belongings, etc). Then recently she texted me ‘Please can we talk? I never meant to hurt you. So much hurt.’ I texted back ‘why, its over. What is there to talk about?’ She came back with ‘I can’t not talk to you’.

 

So I said no…I can’t talk to you. Its too much for me now. In time we will talk…but not now.

 

Several days pass…received text about wrap up item. I responded it is being taken care of. She said ‘your not the only one who is hurting’. I told her I know. And I asked her if she still wants to talk.

 

So tonight, we are going to talk for the first time. I want her back but it looks like that won’t happen now. I know she still loves me. Do I eat humble pie, admit my mistakes, and say goodbye followed by NC/LC? I’m also afraid I will break down and start crying. Should I do that? Let her hear my pain? Let her hear me say 'I love you'. Also she wants to still be friends and I (mistakenly?) said yes.

 

She is very emotional woman and I am too right now. I don’t want to slam the door shut but at the same time I want to maintain my dignity and move on if needed. I’m also afraid if we talk it will turn into an argument if I go too deep into what went wrong and were she was at fault. But since I agreed to talk I need to follow thru.

 

Just don’t know what to do. She has been my best friend, lover, and so much more for three years. And I am so heart broken. I have eaten or slept much since this happened. I feel so broken inside. So much pain.

[JMOC]

Hi I have gone through something similar to this apart from I was not clever enough to do what you did. I congratulate you so much for that!

 

The distance and NC does help both you and her. I became needy and chased wanted. All I did was pushed further and further away. Now I am in the horrific situation of seeing her getting close with one of my closest friends and have no idea what to do.

 

All I can advise is for you to stay strong and work on yourself. You are not the only person who does not sleep or eat. Emotions are crazy things and its ridiculous what we will do to ourselves when it all breaks down.

 

I know I have probably helped very little but I also know that its good to just have someone that listens and hears what you say. So if you need any questions or views im here

[mircea.savu19]

Hey there, I believe in second chances, as long as another person isn't involved. I also broke up with my 3.5 years girlfriend (she dumped me). I tried to show her how much i love her, how much i'm suffering, but all I got was just "mercy". It's something I learned, probably it doesn't apply to all the girls: don't show her your pain that much. I BELIEVED SO HARD that my ex-gf will be so IMPRESSED if I would cry, but the thing is she didn't care much about it. Well, in my case it was another guy involved (she started to like one of my friends...i know ..pretty f cked up) .

I think that you still have a chance there. I know plenty of people who broke-up and got back together (now they are married- after 1 year of pause). I don't want to make you have blind hopes, but I don't think it's over for you!

[johnissad]

Thank you for the replies. My ex is a very emotional woman. She loves deeply...where I show my affection differently. She is insecure about herself and never thought I was all in (or so she says). But she knew/knows I loved her.

 

Tonight I'm pondering what to say? Tell her how much I love her. Ask her if this is what she really wants? Tell her I understand why she broke up with me. Tell her we never sat down together and really talked since things went downhill over the last several months? I'm ready to accept her decision and move on. I know she is hurting as well. But I don't want to be a door mat either with the 'friends' thing which I already agreed to? How do I reverse that if the breakup is permanent? Tell her...friends? I don't know...maybe..in time. Right now...I just don't know. Will that make her thing hard about the prospect of not having me in her life for good?

[JMOC]

Do you think it will help you contacting her at the moment? I only ask because have you spoke recently? I know if I spoke to mine it would just bring up kindling worries and feelings.

 

My situation is slightly different to you though and much more like Mircea she has feeling for a close friend and I have to see that. You say you are ok accepting her choice but be honest with yourself are you ok with watching her with someone else?

[johnissad]

I am not ok with her being with someone else. And I don't know if she really is. 'Reconnecting' could mean anything. I know she was home last night and wanted to talk but I couldn't. So I doubt anything hot and heavy is happening at the moment. The thing is we haven't spoken to each other since this thing started...NOT ONCE.

[JMOC]

Has she reached out to you then? The only reason I asked about you being ok was to make you see that sorry. I am in no way trying to imply that she is.

 

My meaning was that maybe its still not the right time. Its something you have to know for yourself but if you are still thinking and wanting her that much then how do you know you will keep self control?

 

Perhaps leave it a little let her try and contact. If she doesn't then set a definite date and seriously think about what you will say and how you will say it. I say this because I did so much more damage from being needy and not keeping control of my emotions.

[johnissad]

Has she reached out to me? In a way I guess. She has wanted to talk to me for about the last 5-7 days but I put it off. I realize its probably over or at least I'm prepared for it. I will tell her how I feel, let her talk, keep my cool...no anger or crying. And in the end if she says its final then I am prepared to move on. She will want an answer on being friends. She asked not me. I did say yes...now wondering if that was a good idea. But I think I may stick to my original decision. We are both in our 50s. We are both past playing games (I hope). I'm just wondering about the friend/doormat thing. Or will staying friends with her keep me close...a reminder of me. If I tell her yes...friends...it will be at least NC for 30 days following by LC.

[JMOC]

I can totally relate to what you are saying.

 

You are at the point where your trying to work out what you can do. You are the same as me and know you want her as a friend she means something in your life and you are scared to let someone go who is that important to you. I feel this exact same way. I still send a stupid message but am trying to stop. She asks for distance at the moment but has already says she cares for me and wants me about in her life.

 

You have to do the same as I am now and start weighing things up. I have the trouble of knowing that one day I may or more than likely will have to see her with someone else. I dont think I will be able to deal with this. So my thought is how would I ever be able to her friend when I still have a longing for her?

 

Maybe I am wrong and this is not what you are thinking but like I said at the start I can only advise and relate

[johnissad]

Thanks. I do understand that I may see her one day with someone. Or.....she will see me with someone else...sooner than she thinks. ;-)

[JMOC]

Thats the way to be! We cant hold on to something with someone who has walked away.... And chose to do this. Let her come to you! If its really meant and things will change then she will want to keep you in her life!

[lolablue17]

I think your approach is wrong. you're too honest, too needy, you act like she is your mother, who is responsible for your happiness. Few things on my mind...

 

You talk only about what you're going to tell her. WRONG!!!! She asked you few times to meet her, it means she wants to talk to you. So you come to listen first. Don't talk, just listen. I don't know you or her, but i can tell you - Stay calm and don't talk, just listen as mach as you can - belive me, your status during the meeting will become much better if you do so.

 

After she says everything, continues to ask her - "do you have other things on your mind?" again, and again. After she has no more things to say, ask her few questions while looking in your eyes and ask her to be honest because anyway it's over.

 

1. Did she start "reconnecting" this guy during your last time together. For example - The time you had this argument before the break up - was she reconnected to him already in some level? when you sent her the long Email - was she in some level of contact with that guy. (translation - She cheated).

 

2. is she with him now?

 

If the answer to the first question is YES, she cheated on you.

If the answer to the second question is YES - Pay your bill and leave. the most you can say is that when she's single, she can try her luck with you.

 

If the answers to both questions are NO, then you can talk, but briefly. Tell her that you love her and miss her, and you don't want to be friends with her. DON'T TALK MORE THAN THAT. Don't be so easy to get and give only little information about yourself.

 

This is my advice.

[johnissad]

Excellent advise. Unfortunately we will be speaking on the phone. But I am on the same page as you. Let her do the talking...and more talking. I can tell you this. I know anyone is capable of cheating. But I am pretty sure wasn't. And I don't know where that is at now. But I will let her do the talking. And when the time is right I will ask those questions.

[lolablue17]

Why are you talikng on the phone? Doesn't she want to meet you?! I don't understand...

[johnissad]

We were supposed to meet..went back and forth...never happened. Then she kept coming back at me...we need to talk..i can't not talk to you again. So much hurt and pain. I put it off at first (talking on the phone). Yesterday she sent me a text...you not the only one hurting. I decided then to talk to her on the phone.

[lolablue17]

OK, so it's you who prefer talking on the phone, fair enough, to protect yourself.

 

Now remember - She wants to talk to you. That means not only you talk as less as you can, it means you have the upper hand in that situation. Be generous, be calm... Don't act like you are hurt. just DONT. It doesn't mean you should lie. If she asks you if you're hurt you can say something like: "Maybe sometimes i feel hurt but you broke it so i'm moving on in all aspects".

 

or you can say general things like "to look back is a waste of time, moving on is much better". You can be soft and empathetic, but don't be emotional. Be the grown up, a solid ground.

[johnissad]

Thanks again. Good sound advice...appreciate it.

[lauri]

Want to know my advice? Cancel on her.

 

All this "talk" is going to do is be her trying to make you not hate her and give her a chance to "explain herself" (she will most likely try to shift the blame to you). Well, as far as I am concerned, she made the choice to talk to another guy, she made the choice to hang out with him...ultimately, she made the choice to develop feelings for him.

 

There will be little to no benefit to talking to her. She made her choice...don't do her a favour and listen to her. It won't make you feel better and she will only make it about herself. I love it how she is making herself feel like a victim ("I'm hurting too") when she's in the arms of another guy. Forget this girl dude. Even if you don't believe it yet, you should be confident enough to think you can get any girl.

 

Your situation isn't unique and I can almost promise you if you meet her it'll be over forever. She has to realize she made a mistake..and the only way that will happen is by you disappearing. But you need to do it to move on and protect yourself. Your goal should be to get to the point of indifference and make a clear decision when she does come crawling back (because she will if you disappear).

 

Keep the power in your court and show her what breaking up with you really means...it means you are done and moving on. Her loss, not yours. You don't wanna be with someone who makes these bad choices and is selfish to keep you around.

[johnissad]

I've thought of cancelling. At one point when she said let's talk I sent her an email...forget its done. We haven't spoken once since the breakup. I want to see what she has to say. And I'm feeling really good now. Its time. I'm prepared for whatever she throws at me. And I've received some excellent advise from the board (special thanks to lolablue).

[lauri]

I've thought of cancelling. At one point when she said let's talk I sent her an email...forget its done. We haven't spoken once since the breakup. I want to see what she has to say. And I'm feeling really good now. Its time. I'm prepared for whatever she throws at me. And I've received some excellent advise from the board (special thanks to lolablue).

 

If you think you can hold your frame then you could be okay... But remember, this is only going to benefit her and make her feel "better about herself". If you're okay with giving her that, go ahead. I personally wouldn't and have seen on here numerous times the same scenario and situation popping up only to have the same results...an ego boost for the dumper and a messed up head for the dumpee.

[johnissad]

I can 'hold my frame' as you say. Funny...she is sending me emails now. She seems annoyed...asking if we are still talking tonight. And you know what...I don't really care.

 

Because at the end of the day...I can rest easy knowing I stay committed and dedicated to our relationship.

 

And her...she has to live with her conscious. And I just might tell her that before I hang up.

[lauri]

I can 'hold my frame' as you say. Funny...she is sending me emails now. She seems annoyed...asking if we are still talking tonight. And you know what...I don't really care.

 

Because at the end of the day...I can rest easy knowing I stay committed and dedicated to our relationship.

 

And her...she has to live with her conscious. And I just might tell her that before I hang up.

 

Saying anything like that will show you care and are hurt.. this is why I think canceling is the only option that makes sense...if anything you should listen, not say anything (except for okay and goodbye) and hang up. But if you want to send the strongest message, you cancel and show her you dont need her bs reasoning and validation to move on.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she cancels on you or "something pops up" before your call. Anyways, if you do go through with the call, keep it short and don't get sucked into her game.

Edited December 14, 2014 by lauri

[johnissad]

If I were to cancel what should I say? Should I take a cheap shot at her or just say 'forget the the call tonight' and that's it?

[johnissad]

How about this for a cancel email? Leave her wondering...let her guilt build. Because I think that's all it really is at this point. She feels guilt and is looking to relieve that guilt by talking to me.

 

Let's skip the call. I've gained a new perspective on what happened after talking with a close friend over the last several days.

 

 

There is nothing left to be said.

[lauri]

How about this for a cancel email? Leave her wondering...let her guilt build. Because I think that's all it really is at this point. She feels guilt and is looking to relieve that guilt by talking to me.

 

Let's skip the call. I've gained a new perspective on what happened after talking with a close friend over the last several days.

 

 

There is nothing left to be said.

 

No no, don't send her that.

 

Look man, I'm telling you to cancel not to get at her but more to protect yourself. I've made a mistake to see an ex / talk to one during a similar stage to what you are in and I only ended up hurt...

 

But I don't want to be pushing you in a direction you don't fully want to go. If you do cancel, you simply can say "I dont think there is a need for us to talk. All the best." Don't tell her you are talking to other people about this because all it does is show you care. Don't show anything. Personally, I wouldn't even call or say anything to her as I suspect she cheated on you. Silence will send the strongest message. Stick to NC after this decision and don't look back.