RedButton Posted December 14, 2014 Posted December 14, 2014 So, I had a dream this morning that put any doubt out of my mind - I am not ready to see my ex or contact her yet. I think it's an interesting event, I had an opportunity to make the mistake of seeing her too soon in a dream rather than doing it in my waking life. Basically it went like this: Ex was in my apartment, I can't remember why she was there, but it feels like she had come over to pick a few things up. We weren't doing anything sociable or friend activities. I was asking her about how she was doing when she told me everything that made me feel like I meant something to her. She told me about how she'd felt horrible every day, about how she thought we could at least 'make out and, you know...' because she missed me so much. We both of course realised that would hurt us. She told me of the sleepless nights and the depression she felt in the first few weeks. At this point it seems like one would feel better, knowing how much they meant and how much difference they made. Oddly enough, all it did was make me feel like we had a chance of getting back together. It was this feeling of hope that just undid the work of trying to get over her. I remember fighting every fibre of my being to say flat out 'Well, should we get back together?'. I was too scared of the response. It turns out that fear was justified. Eventually we got onto the topic of what she'd been doing with her weekdays somehow and she said she's mostly been hanging out after work to play Video Games with 'Ed' (there is no Ed in real life or any equivalent). I immediately felt a burning somewhere inside me. "Oh?" I said. I wanted to much to say that she never wanted to just hang out after work everyday with me, but now she's seeing 'Ed' to just play games? I didn't say anything. Instead she just looked sheepish and i could tell she felt she spoke out of turn and revealed something she shouldn't. I felt so horrible I can't describe. I eventually decided to just put my cards on the table. "Is this a... romantic pursuit for you?" Without even turning to look at me, she paused for a moment and said "Yes". I won't even tell you how I felt, but in my heightened sensitivity dream-state I'll tell you what my response was: "You know I'm going to kill myself, right?". I woke up feeling like I was going to vomit. Feeling so empty and hurt like I'd just experienced the breakup. Very quickly I felt a huge rush of relief wash over my like cool water. This was just a dream. I still felt bad about it, as it stirred up all those feelings I'm trying to work out, but it was a dream. I didn't have to deal with this. I should point out, I'm not suicidal, although I do think about it sometimes and in the past, I am not at risk of suicide at this point. The line shocked even me when I said it in the dream, especially as when my ex broke up she asked me to promise her I wouldn't 'do anything stupid, or hurt myself' (she knew I sometimes got depressed, even though the breakup was very cordial and nearly mutual). What a rush of feelings. I feel like this is a long post, so apologies, but I feel so much better having written it all down now. I also now know that i'm not ready to deal with all the potential outcomes of seeing my ex again. I wonder if i ever will be. My skin is still crawling when I recall the dream. I really would hate to leave things without seeing her at least once again, but I wonder if I'll have to settle for writing a letter at some point instead. I'm sticking to me plan of waiting for January at the earliest before deciding to try and reach out in any way, this dream tells me I might have to wait until February even. There really isn't any urgency.
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