my girlfriend of 3&half years dumped me for one of my best friends..

[mircea.savu19]

I don't even know where to start from. 4 months ago ( on august 17), my gf and I broke up. I didn't except something like that because we were doing pretty well in our relationship ( at least she gave me that amount of confort to believe that).

On that day ( august 17) she wasn.t herself at all and I knew something wasn.t right. First, let me tell you some parts from my past with her.

On the last year, i integrated her very good in my group of friends ( 3-4 boys) so my friends began to be her friends as well. I was very happy for her because she was having fun with them, laughing, they really became good friends and I know that it was something that she really needed.

In the last months of relationship she started to become more attached to one of my friends, (Christian is his name). He was a very sincere friend, didn.t have any girlfriends before ( notice, we are all 21-22 years old). I wasn.t jelous at all, i just thought that their friendship was just stronger then. I had very much confidence in my gf and in him also. As a matter of fact, not even in my worst case scenarios, i wouldn't see the 2 of them together ( they don.t seem to match at all). My gf had some other relationships;for me, this relationship was my first. I evolved very much, from that clumsy guy from the beginning to what i am now. Anyway, they were having small flirts even when i was with them ..but again, i wasn.t jelous since i trusted them.

In the last 3 weeks of my relationship i had my first job, but i quit it because the manager lied at the interview about plenty of things. I was complaining a lot in those 3 weeks to my gf ( and i know that this was bad, because a girl doesn.t like a pussy instead of a man). She said in the last week that she was a little dissapointed in me( she was working for more then 2 years because of her bad family financial situation) , but nothing more. I knew that i dissapointed but i also wanted to fknd a new job. I was feeling very bad because she was working and i wasn.t .On aug 15 i celebrated my birthday and even then she was ok.

When i asked her what are the reasons of breaking up with me, she pointed that she doesn.t like me anymore and started to develop feelings to Christian. The next day, she confessed her feelings to him and he also confirmed that he likes her. He couldnt promise me that he wouldn.t do anything in the future with her, but he pointed that he is my friend and as long as there are still chances for me to get back with her, he won.t interfere. Isn.t there an unwritten rule that says that you shouldn.t hang out with the ex of your friend? I was so dissapointed, so i cut all the connections with him. After 1-2 weeks, he wanted to have at least one last talk, i refused, chanced my mind 3 hours later but then he didn.t want anymore. He was and is very dissapointed in me as a friend for what "i've done" to him. I mean, it doesn.t matter for him that he flirted with my gf..he said that " i did that because i liked it and I was so sure you 2 guys wouldn.t break up ever". I could never date with someone's ex if he.s my friend, even if i like her a lot. I just couldn.t, it's disrespectful. I was also mad at her because she was so selfish and involved one of my friends in our drama.

After break up, my gf cried and insisted not to break up and just take a break...she insisted to see me, maybe something will change. It didn't happen anything and after that she never cried and felt the need to see me.

I tried a few times to talk with her but she was insanely mad because i was still trying to talk with her but i did what i did to "pour Christian". She wanted me to just " get them to hell".She was protecting him from the beginning, all the bad words i said to her about him ( since i was very pissed of on him) went to Christian. She just threw me away, like a garbage. 3 years ment nothing to her. If she loved me than why not to step back?

Now i know that they are together, they try to hide it from me but i found out. She still hangs out with my friends from the group . i might say i am a little upset because, even if they give me credit, nobody had a fight with them for me.. Only one of my friends from that group cut some connections with both of them but at ocasions they still see each other.

After 4 months, i still am depressed. I am doing much better but still..it affects me...the way me and my ex met...was more than a coincidence. There were so many things that made us both believe that we are for each other..I admit, in our first year of relationship she started to like another guy ( not from my group) and want it a break ..she told me then " why ain.t i a bad boy". When she realised what she could lose, came back to me instead. We loved very much, i know that she also loved me ( maybe not in our last months)..

Even now i still have the need to talk with her. What should I do? I still love her, all the girls I've met after made me sad because i want to find someone just as my ex was ( just met, nothing else). I know i shouldn.t think like that, but she was very unique for me and i suported her in plenty of bad moments... How can i forget both of them? It would be much easier if they weren.t from my group..

[Radu]

I don't even know where to start from. 4 months ago ( on august 17), my gf and I broke up. I didn't except something like that because we were doing pretty well in our relationship ( at least she gave me that amount of confort to believe that).

On that day ( august 17) she wasn.t herself at all and I knew something wasn.t right.

Well, at least you have some decent instincts ... in some areas.

 

First, let me tell you some parts from my past with her.

On the last year, i integrated her very good in my group of friends ( 3-4 boys) so my friends began to be her friends as well. I was very happy for her because she was having fun with them, laughing, they really became good friends and I know that it was something that she really needed.

In the last months of relationship she started to become more attached to one of my friends, (Christian is his name). He was a very sincere friend, didn.t have any girlfriends before ( notice, we are all 21-22 years old). I wasn.t jelous at all, i just thought that their friendship was just stronger then. I had very much confidence in my gf and in him also. As a matter of fact, not even in my worst case scenarios, i wouldn't see the 2 of them together ( they don.t seem to match at all). My gf had some other relationships;for me, this relationship was my first. I evolved very much, from that clumsy guy from the beginning to what i am now. Anyway, they were having small flirts even when i was with them ..but again, i wasn.t jelous since i trusted them.

Sorry, you were a fool.

You should not have tolerated that.

They were both crossing a major line.

 

This 'just friends' thing between men and women in theory can work, but it takes something better than a 20yr old to pull it off.

Because if they are straight the underlying attraction will always exist, it has to be acknowledged and dealt with ... not left there.

 

In the last 3 weeks of my relationship i had my first job, but i quit it because the manager lied at the interview about plenty of things. I was complaining a lot in those 3 weeks to my gf ( and i know that this was bad, because a girl doesn.t like a pussy instead of a man). She said in the last week that she was a little dissapointed in me( she was working for more then 2 years because of her bad family financial situation) , but nothing more. I knew that i dissapointed but i also wanted to fknd a new job. I was feeling very bad because she was working and i wasn.t .

In a normal relationship partners support each other.

It's not all roses during marriage you know.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong.

 

On aug 15 i celebrated my birthday and even then she was ok.

When i asked her what are the reasons of breaking up with me, she pointed that she doesn.t like me anymore and started to develop feelings to Christian. The next day, she confessed her feelings to him and he also confirmed that he likes her. He couldnt promise me that he wouldn.t do anything in the future with her, but he pointed that he is my friend and as long as there are still chances for me to get back with her, he won.t interfere. Isn.t there an unwritten rule that says that you shouldn.t hang out with the ex of your friend? I was so dissapointed, so i cut all the connections with him.

Hang out ? yeah ... it looks bad.

But they were not hanging out, they were dating ... which is worse.

Some ppl obey the rule ... some other ppl are low-class asses who don't.

 

Take a guess which is which when it comes to your friend and ex-gf.

 

After 1-2 weeks, he wanted to have at least one last talk, i refused, chanced my mind 3 hours later but then he didn.t want anymore. He was and is very dissapointed in me as a friend for what "i've done" to him. I mean, it doesn.t matter for him that he flirted with my gf..he said that " i did that because i liked it and I was so sure you 2 guys wouldn.t break up ever". I could never date with someone's ex if he.s my friend, even if i like her a lot. I just couldn.t, it's disrespectful. I was also mad at her because she was so selfish and involved one of my friends in our drama.

After break up, my gf cried and insisted not to break up and just take a break...she insisted to see me, maybe something will change. It didn't happen anything and after that she never cried and felt the need to see me.

His reasoning is self-serving BS, in both cases.

He knew what he was doing, at least on a subconscious level.

 

He know he acted wrong, and he needs a little soapbox from which to speak, he needs a position of moral superiority when it comes to this because he [and her] are ... bastards.

 

I tried a few times to talk with her but she was insanely mad because i was still trying to talk with her but i did what i did to "pour Christian". She wanted me to just " get them to hell".She was protecting him from the beginning, all the bad words i said to her about him ( since i was very pissed of on him) went to Christian. She just threw me away, like a garbage. 3 years ment nothing to her. If she loved me than why not to step back?

And she accuses you of being a pussy ?

It will not last, take some comfort in that.

 

And giving Cristian the low-down on what you two were talking in private is a betrayal of the relationship, a 3yr relationship.

She needs to see you in the wrong as well ... otherwise she [and he] will be disgusted when they look at themselves in the bathroom mirror.

 

Now i know that they are together, they try to hide it from me but i found out. She still hangs out with my friends from the group . i might say i am a little upset because, even if they give me credit, nobody had a fight with them for me.. Only one of my friends from that group cut some connections with both of them but at ocasions they still see each other.

That's a good friend, a real friend.

 

After 4 months, i still am depressed. I am doing much better but still..it affects me...the way me and my ex met...was more than a coincidence. There were so many things that made us both believe that we are for each other..I admit, in our first year of relationship she started to like another guy ( not from my group) and want it a break ..she told me then " why ain.t i a bad boy". When she realised what she could lose, came back to me instead. We loved very much, i know that she also loved me ( maybe not in our last months)..

I'm gonna guess her family's home situation wasn't that rosey when she grew up [arguing, cheating ... abuse].

As for the badboy comment ... we both live in the same country; bad boy can mean what happened a few months ago with that girl who ended up with a 'bad boy' in Germany who beat the crap out of her after she started prostituting herself for him.

 

Even now i still have the need to talk with her. What should I do? I still love her, all the girls I've met after made me sad because i want to find someone just as my ex was ( just met, nothing else). I know i shouldn.t think like that, but she was very unique for me and i suported her in plenty of bad moments... How can i forget both of them? It would be much easier if they weren.t from my group..

It will get easier with time.

I'll make another post.

[mircea.savu19]

oh and I know that I did a lot of mistakes after the break-up with both of them...but i was desperate, I didn't know what to do. I called my girlfriend "crazy" aftter she was protecting Chrstian so much, I regret that. But I consider that what they did to me is worse.. The drama is much longer, I tried to write it as short as possible. Please give me some advices, or...if you have any other questions, feel free to ask.

[Radu]

Even now i still have the need to talk with her. What should I do? I still love her, all the girls I've met after made me sad because i want to find someone just as my ex was ( just met, nothing else). I know i shouldn.t think like that, but she was very unique for me and i suported her in plenty of bad moments... How can i forget both of them? It would be much easier if they weren.t from my group..

 

As long as you do not split the two ppl in your mind, the girl before and the one that she became you will not get out of this rut.

You need to see her as she was, and that that person is gone.

You need to start seeing the faults in her [and in him], because just that episode with 'bad boy' was enough to dump her.

You know what the population is like in this country, and how many guys are gone abroad, which means there is a plus of women ... you will find another and one that will treat you right.

 

I'll write it again so that you will 100% understand :

Cat timp nu imparti fata asta in 2 in mintea ta, in fata frumoasa de dinainte de schimbare si fata de dupa schimbare nu vei scapa de aceasta imagine a ei din mintea ta.

Va continua sa ocupe spatiu acolo.

Trebuie sa intelegi ca sunt doua persone, una dinainte de schimbare, si una dupa schimbare. Cea de dinainte nu mai e si nu va mai reveni niciodata.

Trebuie sa incepi sa vezi si problemele pe care ea le avea [si pe care el le are], pentru ca doar episodul cu 'baiatul rau/dur' era destul ca tu sa inchizi relatia si sa-i dai papucii.

Stii care e demografia acestei tari, si cati tipi sunt plecati in afara; asta inseamna ca e o lipsa majora de barbati buni ... o sa gasesti alta fata care te va trata cum trebuie.

 

PS: Only english from now on, it's ... rude if others can't understand.

[mircea.savu19]

Thank you so much for replying, I am feeling a little better to see that you are giving me some credit. I must admit, that episode with the "bad-boy" that happened 2 years ago should've been a warning for what she could become. I mean, a lot of girls disrespect the man for not being loyal, faithful...and she wanted the oposite? She wasn't and isn't the jealous type also...but she wanted me to be some "affeminate"?

To make things clear, she was the first for me and I was the first to her. I think that she never cheated on me, she wasn't hiding anything for me, not the phone, the messages, nothing. Her family has a lot of issues: she has 2 sisters and one brother, all of them divorced. Her parents argue alot, and the only reason they didn't divorce is because of the kids. I think that religion is also a cause in her "****ed-up" mind. Her mother is Adventist, her father Orthodox. Their mother is one fanatic religious type, and had a lot of fights with them because they didn't want to go to church, to pray, etc. All of them rioted and they don't believe in anything at all. When I met her, she was also going to chuch (had a lot of friends there) and I respected that. In time she didn't believe in God anymore (I don't believe also but I didn't influence her at all). She became more like a rebel, probably that's why she was so selfish and destroyed my group.

[Radu]

Thank you so much for replying, I am feeling a little better to see that you are giving me some credit. I must admit, that episode with the "bad-boy" that happened 2 years ago should've been a warning for what she could become. I mean, a lot of girls disrespect the man for not being loyal, faithful...and she wanted the oposite? She wasn't and isn't the jealous type also...but she wanted me to be some "affeminate"?

She wanted you to be more in control, more in charge.

And that's normal because that is what is attractive to women but the way she went about it is wrong, and why there is such a difference between men and women.

 

Men tend to be more logical and practical, we do not get 'hints'.

You have to look us in the eye and say 'i want you to act like this' and give example.

Some women understand this, some don't.

She was young, inexperienced and probably doesn't know what she wants.

 

You should have set a more clear boundary though, and provided consequences to her.

Long term though, it's probably better that you didn't. You do not want to have kids with someone like her and end up divorcing down the line, paying 25% of your wage for 18+ yrs.

 

To make things clear, she was the first for me and I was the first to her. I think that she never cheated on me, she wasn't hiding anything for me, not the phone, the messages, nothing. Her family has a lot of issues: she has 2 sisters and one brother, all of them divorced. Her parents argue alot, and the only reason they didn't divorce is because of the kids.

LOL, well ... that settles that.

 

I think that religion is also a cause in her "****ed-up" mind. Her mother is Adventist, her father Orthodox. Their mother is one fanatic religious type, and had a lot of fights with them because they didn't want to go to church, to pray, etc. All of them rioted and they don't believe in anything at all.

The word you are looking for is probably 'rebel'.

The family situation provided the ideal for her, that is the relationship type she knows and it is/was reinforced by what happened to her siblings.

 

Until she realizes that her 'instinct' of going for bad boy is wrong and that long term it leads to unhappiness she will never be happy.

On one hand her logical mind appreciated the stability, on the other hand her instinct wanted something different and to appease it [and not look bad in her own eyes] she found a way out, by demonizing you [by making you look like the evil one].

 

When I met her, she was also going to chuch (had a lot of friends there) and I respected that. In time she didn't believe in God anymore (I don't believe also but I didn't influence her at all). She became more like a rebel, probably that's why she was so selfish and destroyed my group.

I don't think she actually set out to destroy your group.

I think she set out to recreate what she knew, a house full of arguments and drama.

 

Bottom line, she is messed up.

I suggest you start reading up on the Abuse section and other sections.

About 3yrs i came here looking also for answers and for understanding, i was also just fresh out of a 5yr major depression, and many failed relationships.

You have many yrs on me, and if you start reading about relationships [it applies to ALL relationships ... not just romantic] you will better understand how and why ppl act the way they do.

It will also make the way you see reality [you came here because you were not sure if what you 'saw' in reality was the right one ... if you were normal] closer to normal.

[mircea.savu19]

Oh, just another fanny thing. After the break-up, she told me that she knows she went berkerk, she knew that something is wrong with her. Well, I don't think that she still considers that, but it was just funny to hear that. Thanks again for telling me your suggestions, i will read them

I am sorry for your 5 yr depression, hope that everything is now more than ok. Thank you again for replying to my post!

[Radu]

Np, for me it ended up good in the long run because i took the time to read up on relationships; this forum [or any major relationship forum] has a lot of good ppl who can provide views into their life experience or an alternate viewpoint so in a short time you end up understanding a lot.

 

Again, it helps in all relationships.

Some of my past romantic relationships were emotionally abusive [she was the abuser] and with time i realized how to better pick ppl in my life. It got to a point where, 3yrs later i can easily spot the bullsh*t rationalizations ppl use in their romantic or everyday relationships.

[Detectingfreak]

just go do things you like to do in order to keep your mind off them. That's why I only do porn because no emotional attachment.