Author Biscous Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 So, she pulls the you upset me card when you open up and discuss stuff, it's her way of deflecting and making it about you. She has to learn how to cope better with her anxiety and insecurities otherwise it will ruin your relationship more, to the point where you'll break up with her. It's one thing if she's sensitive at times but to always be walking on egg shells isn't healthy. Ask her if she truly is happy with you and have that honest conversation, both of you have to be open to it, to hear some negative stuff and want to change to make things better. If she can't do that then your R is doomed. She is truly happy, but sometimes she feels like I'm not always romantic. Granted I have my on faults too and yes sometimes I may act like that. Still, her bothering me about my behavior in public gets on my nerves and it does make me wonder if she is satisfied. She has had a relationship end where she cheated because it wasn't emotionally fulfilling. I don't want that to be me. Granted I may break up because it is a strain and I feel like there are quality women out there for me and there are quality men out there for her that are more compatible.
ascendotum Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 I don't doubt it. Living together b4 marriage is always a very bad mistake. Besides, it sounds like he doesn't care what kind of misery he is putting you through It destroys the sacred union between man, wife & God. No. The relationship she described is a perfect example of why it is beneficial to live with someone prior to marriage. This woman with anxiety issues managed to hide them from her bf when they lived separately and caught up with each other for dates a couple of times a week. She was on her best behavior with him or managed to schedule/medicate herself so that her issues were subdued when they were out on a date. Its not because they were not married that life with her become terrible sharing the same house. Its just that she cant be on her best behavior 24/7 or else the stress of being in a FT relationship sends her over th edge. Being married would be worse. He would be stuck in a dysfunctional relationship. At least now he can walk if it makes his life and his kids lives too miserable. While he has that option and she knows it she will likely make more of an effort to deal with her issue I feel than if she was married where she can just say, 'you have to love me for who I am' or 'too late you got me for better or worse'.
you_can_not_see_me Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 My ex husband is with a woman who has multiple issues including and not limited to anxiety. In the beginning of their courtship, it was great as they lived separately and enjoyed each other's company when it worked out in their schedules with their children but for the most part, she kept her issues in check and private. A year and a half later they decided to move into together and THAT is when things started to unravel...BIG time. Her anxieties and other issues have not only dominated their lives but has alienated many of my ex's friends and family as well as our kids. The issues have caused tremendous stress and strain in their own relationship as she swings from one emotion to another while everyone tiptoes around on eggshells to no avail. My ex loves this woman BUT he is completely floored by the just how damaged she is and how well she hid it when they were dating. Had he known this in the beginning he would have never moved in with her or at least not until she had gotten some serious professional help. They fight constantly about the tiniest things and now they're in therapy, both individually and as a couple. And if you know my background story regarding my marriage and subsequent divorce you'd appreciate the fact that my ex is now a therapy convert and regular groupie! Anyways, the point I'm making is that as much as everyone deserves a chance at having a "normal" life and relationship there are just some issues that are more challenging to deal with than others. It WILL test your relationship as well as your own resolve. The thing to remember is that YOU can't change them for better or worse. This is THEIR issue and only they can help themselves. Their is no quick fix with people with social and/or anxiety issues. It's a very long and daunting process and it's completely up to them how well they want to be. Meds alone aren't the answer long term, its just a bandaid solution. It requires therapy and active participation and control in their own lives on a daily basis. The thing you need to remember here is that you have to love these people unconditionally . There is just no other way. If you don't or can't, you may be in for a very long and difficult life together filled with a lot of resentment and anger on your part. It's not an easy life and you should know this before you jump in with both feet. Good luck. My brother and his GF are kinda like that, maybe not quite as bad. But its not unusual for me to walk out of into my living room when she's there and see her all emotional. Initially I thought she was a fine girl, but after a while I couldn't help disliking her (partly because she doesn't put any effort into being friendly). I feel like she has my brother on a leash to tend to her emotional and material needs, and I have brought the subject up with my brother a few times to convince him to not given so completely but its useless my brother just thinks I m a hater. 1
Els Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Someone being on drugs for things like that is a complete deal breaker for me. The reason is because I can't relate to it and I'm pretty sure that, over time, the meds, etc will only increase. The two of you are highly incompatible. Do yourself a favor and end the relationship. You should do some genuine research before being 'pretty sure' about something. Most patients remain stable on the same dose of antidepressant medication (which is generally considered the appropriate long-term medication for anxiety) for the entire duration of their treatment. Benzodiazepines are a different kettle of fish. Anyway... OP. You mention she is already undergoing treatment, so she is doing her part to solve the problem on her end. That does not, however, mean that you need to stay with her if you believe her to be incompatible. That's what people date for, after all - to find out if they are compatible. And it's only been a few months. You are not a bad person in any way if you decide this isn't for you. You would be a bad person if you said to her what bathtub is saying, though. Do NOT make it about the medicines or the fact that she is undergoing treatment. That risks her stopping the treatment in hopes of getting you back and going down a terrible, terrible slippery slope. If you must break up with her, tell her you appreciate that she is trying to fix the issue, but that you two just aren't compatible. Based on what you are saying, after all, it sounds like there are more communication issues here than just her anxiety. Whether they can be worked on or not is for both of you to decide. 1
Author Biscous Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 The medication thing would be totally unfair yes. I don't like that she drinks a bit more when she is out but people drink and maybe I should ligthen up with that.
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