My GF has anxiety issues and I am questioning our future.

[Biscous]

Has anyone else dealt with this?

 

I have been dating this girl the past few months and have known her a bit previously, but the relationship thing is on a different level.

 

I will provide some examples:

-Constant need of approval. If I compliment her, she sometimes likes it. Other times she will tell me "you didn't tell me I looked good in my dress". If I don't compliment her I will hear it.

 

-Needing affection at weird times. I was at a wedding today at a chapel and she wanted to hold onto me while we were in the middle of prayers and doing the rituals in the church.

 

-I noticed this needing for attention a bit more when we were at the reception. Other couples weren't touchy feeling but she needs this it seems.

 

-Feeling of walking on eggshells when talking to her. Saying the wrong thing and it gets her upset, which angers me.

 

-I have noticed times when I am having a conversation with her or others about a topic I find exciting or controversial she tells me to "calm down"...in these cases the other party is totally fine with it but she feels tense for whatever reason.

 

I think with her the major thing is the constant needing of assurance or approval. It is really frustrating but at this point I'm considering my options. She is a sweet and loving woman and I care about her, BUT I really do not feel as though I should deal with having to feel like I have to say and do certain things a certain way in front of her. I acknowledge the fact that she is a bit sensitive and is insecure about things. She is an only child also, which I can relate to being one half my life, so I think she is used to getting more attention at times.

 

I am just providing examples off the top of my head. I have been dating her for a few months but some of these issues that are coming to surface are really causing me discomfort with her at times and I am wondering if I should offer her more support, which I am earnestly trying, or break up with her and let her solve these issues on her own.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It might not be actual anxiety, has either you or her brought up that term in relation to her behaviour?

 

She might just like an OTT level of public affection, could you not ask her directly to tone it down? I am extremely affectionate with my boyfriend, in private, and also in public when it's just 'us' (we're out together alone but other strangers are there), but around friends and family I find it a bit awkward and inappropriate to have anything more than holding hands or a quick peck on the lips. Everyone has different limits.

 

Either way if she's pissing you off this much already, you're just not compatible. Sounds like you're trying to make it work, but this early on it shouldn't be an effort, it should be sunshine and rainbows. Don't feel guilty if you want to move on.

[Biscous]

It might not be actual anxiety, has either you or her brought up that term in relation to her behaviour?

 

She might just like an OTT level of public affection, could you not ask her directly to tone it down? I am extremely affectionate with my boyfriend, in private, and also in public when it's just 'us' (we're out together alone but other strangers are there), but around friends and family I find it a bit awkward and inappropriate to have anything more than holding hands or a quick peck on the lips. Everyone has different limits.

 

Either way if she's pissing you off this much already, you're just not compatible. Sounds like you're trying to make it work, but this early on it shouldn't be an effort, it should be sunshine and rainbows. Don't feel guilty if you want to move on.

 

She has anxiety as in she takes medication for it. I thought about it and actually did research. I did not ever deal with this so when I thought she said she dealt with it I didn't know the severity, and this is coming from someone that had bouts of depression.

 

She has explained that her anxiety has caused her nightmares which I feel bad about. I know she is stressed about her career and she consoles in me since I work at the same place as her. I try to be supportive and offer her advise and also pull her away from her work to a certain degree and I know how that is so I try to be a good boyfriend in that respect, but yes it does strain me a bit.

 

So a bit of a back story, we were on and off for a good bit of the year, but got more serious about 4- 5 months ago. Much of it was my resistant to be serious with anyone and my indecision of leaving or staying where I live so I've know her a bit. Being around her MORE though I am seeing the anxiety, combined with a certain level of neediness. It is quite frustrating and I couldn't have predicted it until I spent more time with her.

 

I feel like I dragged it out and wish I had more hindsight but yeah it's around the holiday season...bad timing to have these hard talks.

 

Regarding affection, I do think it's annoying that sometimes when we take a picture she gets irritated with me and says "Could you hold me like you love me?!"...granted I'm trying to pose for her but I'm 6'1'' and she's 5'3'' so I have to lean in a lot lol it's kinda funny in that regard but I think it's annoying that she asks that. Other things I have stopped her from complaining about.

Edited December 14, 2014 by Biscous

[acrosstheuniverse]

Ah I see. I dated a guy with anxiety and I had no idea how bad it could impact someone's life until that point. He was a wreck sometimes, would get fixated on one thing and be unable to let it go. Nothing you can do, even if you understand it and have done your research, can really ease it other than her sticking to her meds regime and undergoing therapy if she's having that. CBT is extremely helpful for anxiety.

 

You don't really see these things until you start an actual relationship with someone, and then you start to uncover all kinds of dynamics between you you didn't see before. If it's not working out I wouldn't string it past the holidays to end it if I were you, it'll be horrible for you having to keep an act up the whole time, she'll probably be able to tell, and she'll be in just as much pain early next year when you end it. Others may disagree but I tend to think the sooner the better. At least it's not Xmas eve, she has a good week and a half to start to come to terms with it before Christmas Day. If anything, in her position it'd hurt more knowing that I'd gone to such an effort, bought gifts, and enjoyed our first Xmas as a couple together, and she's also bound to ask you when you started having doubts.

 

Good luck.

[Biscous]

Ah I see. I dated a guy with anxiety and I had no idea how bad it could impact someone's life until that point. He was a wreck sometimes, would get fixated on one thing and be unable to let it go. Nothing you can do, even if you understand it and have done your research, can really ease it other than her sticking to her meds regime and undergoing therapy if she's having that. CBT is extremely helpful for anxiety.

 

You don't really see these things until you start an actual relationship with someone, and then you start to uncover all kinds of dynamics between you you didn't see before. If it's not working out I wouldn't string it past the holidays to end it if I were you, it'll be horrible for you having to keep an act up the whole time, she'll probably be able to tell, and she'll be in just as much pain early next year when you end it. Others may disagree but I tend to think the sooner the better. At least it's not Xmas eve, she has a good week and a half to start to come to terms with it before Christmas Day. If anything, in her position it'd hurt more knowing that I'd gone to such an effort, bought gifts, and enjoyed our first Xmas as a couple together, and she's also bound to ask you when you started having doubts.

 

Good luck.

 

I'm still on the fence about this holiday thing. I actually have a good time with her and enjoy her, but yeah some of these dynamics make me question the whole relationship, so I consider breaking up.

 

Arguments, things like that. I support her, but meh I don't know. Also I know I will have a target on my back with breaking up with her the same month as her birthday, Christmas, and New Year's...but yes some of this strains me.

 

On one hand she is supportive of me and does make me feel love and welcome. I felt displaced a lot last year I will be honest. It's cool to have someone who loves and cares for you. I do have her back too.

 

On the other it's not like these anxiety spats are getting better. She still gets upset over small stuff and I am unsure if she is making definite strides to improve it. I am not perfect either and I try my best to improve my communication for example and other things. I'm not sure.

 

I actually did buy her a gift and the money isn't the thing. I just do feel a bit distant when she acts that way. I may have to think about it.

[bathtub-row]

Someone being on drugs for things like that is a complete deal breaker for me. The reason is because I can't relate to it and I'm pretty sure that, over time, the meds, etc will only increase. The two of you are highly incompatible. Do yourself a favor and end the relationship.

[Biscous]

Someone being on drugs for things like that is a complete deal breaker for me. The reason is because I can't relate to it and I'm pretty sure that, over time, the meds, etc will only increase. The two of you are highly incompatible. Do yourself a favor and end the relationship.

 

Yeah I think about that too medication. Thing is when I had depression I fought it with CBT as well as getting into fitness, which changed my life. I can't say that's for everyone though so I empathize.

 

But yes I see where you're getting at there and that is a deal breaker had I known up front but now I know. Thanks for the advice.

[Michelle ma Belle]

My ex husband is with a woman who has multiple issues including and not limited to anxiety.

 

In the beginning of their courtship, it was great as they lived separately and enjoyed each other's company when it worked out in their schedules with their children but for the most part, she kept her issues in check and private.

 

A year and a half later they decided to move into together and THAT is when things started to unravel...BIG time.

 

Her anxieties and other issues have not only dominated their lives but has alienated many of my ex's friends and family as well as our kids. The issues have caused tremendous stress and strain in their own relationship as she swings from one emotion to another while everyone tiptoes around on eggshells to no avail.

 

My ex loves this woman BUT he is completely floored by the just how damaged she is and how well she hid it when they were dating. Had he known this in the beginning he would have never moved in with her or at least not until she had gotten some serious professional help. They fight constantly about the tiniest things and now they're in therapy, both individually and as a couple. And if you know my background story regarding my marriage and subsequent divorce you'd appreciate the fact that my ex is now a therapy convert and regular groupie!

 

Anyways, the point I'm making is that as much as everyone deserves a chance at having a "normal" life and relationship there are just some issues that are more challenging to deal with than others. It WILL test your relationship as well as your own resolve.

 

The thing to remember is that YOU can't change them for better or worse. This is THEIR issue and only they can help themselves. Their is no quick fix with people with social and/or anxiety issues. It's a very long and daunting process and it's completely up to them how well they want to be. Meds alone aren't the answer long term, its just a bandaid solution. It requires therapy and active participation and control in their own lives on a daily basis.

 

The thing you need to remember here is that you have to love these people unconditionally . There is just no other way. If you don't or can't, you may be in for a very long and difficult life together filled with a lot of resentment and anger on your part.

 

It's not an easy life and you should know this before you jump in with both feet.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 14, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[skydiveaddict]

My ex husband is with a woman who has multiple issues including and not limited to anxiety.

 

Gee, I wonder where that came from.

 

A year and a half later they decided to move into together and THAT is when things started to unravel...BIG time.

 

I don't doubt it. Living together b4 marriage is always a very bad mistake. Besides, it sounds like he doesn't care what kind of misery he is putting you through

 

It destroys the sacred union between man, wife & God.

 

Marriage is a Holy vocation. Never to be taken lightly.

 

 

It's not an easy life and you should know this before you jump in with both feet.

 

Good luck.

 

Very well said.

 

If you don't mind, I'll crank a couple of prayers for you; if you don't feel offended . Hell, I may just do it anyway.

 

I could even beat the **** out of him, just to teach him a lesson about humanity

Edited December 14, 2014 by skydiveaddict

[Downtown]

Biscous, the behaviors you describe -- neediness, controlling behavior, argumentative, blaming all unhappiness on you, and super sensitivity to harmless comments -- are some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may have moderate to strong traits of it. BPD is a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone exhibits all of these traits to some degree -- with some folks being higher on that spectrum than others. At issue, then, is not whether she exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits such traits so strongly that they are undermining her long-term relationships and pushing loved ones away. Not having met her, I cannot answer that question for you. I nonetheless can point you to a list of the red flags -- 18 BPD Warning Signs -- so you can decide, for yourself, whether you're seeing most of those signs. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread.

 

She has anxiety as in she takes medication for it.

A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 80% of the female BPDers also have an anxiety disorder. The anxiety by itself, however, does NOT imply a person has strong BPD traits. Only 15% of the women suffering from an anxiety disorder were determined to have BPD. For a person to be exhibiting a pattern of BPD behaviors, more traits are required in addition to the anxiety.

 

Feeling of walking on eggshells when talking to her.

If you find that most warning signs in my list sound very familiar, and if you are still reluctant to leave your GF, I would suggest you read Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is the best-selling BPD book that is targeted to the abused partners and family members.

[d0nnivain]

You are her BF, not her therapist. Don't mix up those roles.

 

 

Do talk to her. Pawing at you while you are trying to worship is problematic but explain it to her from that perspective. Make sure she understands you were not rejecting her but rather there is a time & place for everything. I am a bit more tactile in Church during a wedding because is a celebration of love.

 

 

As for the compliments, I think every woman likes to hear them. With my husband they are rarely forthcoming because he's just not a chatty guy. I pushed & he tried but I got 4 letter words. You look nice, good & fine. Drove me nuts. As a joke (because we both share the same sense of humor) I bought him a thesaurus, tabbed & highlighted to his favorite & my least favorite adjectives. Now when he fails to compliment me, he teases me back saying sorry I don't have my thesaurus.

 

 

Help her to understand that you care about her but that her behavior is sabotaging your relationship.

[devilish innocent]

The two complaints you have that jump out at me are these:

 

-If I compliment her, she sometimes likes it. Other times she will tell me "you didn't tell me I looked good in my dress". If I don't compliment her I will hear it.

 

-Feeling of walking on eggshells when talking to her. Saying the wrong thing and it gets her upset, which angers me.

 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody who will get upset at you for little things at random times? Just because she has an anxiety disorder, that shouldn't make it okay for her to mistreat you.

[FitChick]

I remember Biscous complaining about how no woman would date him. Be careful what you wish for (or at least make your wish VERY specific).

[Biscous]

I remember Biscous complaining about how no woman would date him. Be careful what you wish for (or at least make your wish VERY specific).

 

You're too funny lol...seems like it's the opposite for me now in terms women but I'm dating someone.

 

But yes I need to be more specific ha

[bachdude]

Has anyone else dealt with this?

 

I have been dating this girl the past few months and have known her a bit previously, but the relationship thing is on a different level.

 

I will provide some examples:

-Constant need of approval. If I compliment her, she sometimes likes it. Other times she will tell me "you didn't tell me I looked good in my dress". If I don't compliment her I will hear it.

 

-Needing affection at weird times. I was at a wedding today at a chapel and she wanted to hold onto me while we were in the middle of prayers and doing the rituals in the church.

 

-I noticed this needing for attention a bit more when we were at the reception. Other couples weren't touchy feeling but she needs this it seems.

 

-Feeling of walking on eggshells when talking to her. Saying the wrong thing and it gets her upset, which angers me.

 

-I have noticed times when I am having a conversation with her or others about a topic I find exciting or controversial she tells me to "calm down"...in these cases the other party is totally fine with it but she feels tense for whatever reason.

 

I think with her the major thing is the constant needing of assurance or approval. It is really frustrating but at this point I'm considering my options. She is a sweet and loving woman and I care about her, BUT I really do not feel as though I should deal with having to feel like I have to say and do certain things a certain way in front of her. I acknowledge the fact that she is a bit sensitive and is insecure about things. She is an only child also, which I can relate to being one half my life, so I think she is used to getting more attention at times.

 

I am just providing examples off the top of my head. I have been dating her for a few months but some of these issues that are coming to surface are really causing me discomfort with her at times and I am wondering if I should offer her more support, which I am earnestly trying, or break up with her and let her solve these issues on her own.

 

A couple reactions.

 

I'm going to take a little different perspective...

 

Why is it a weird time when your girlfriend wants affection at a wedding??? That is exactly the time I would expect a GF to get affectionate! Maybe there was something going on in the ceremony at that time or in the prayer that triggered an emotion or perhaps she felt strong feelings towards you and she reached for you. Doesn't have to be something negative! if it were me I'd just enjoy it! But I'm not shy either about public displays of affection (within good taste, of course!)!

 

And perhaps she is insecure, but it's completely common place for a woman getting dressed up or getting all dolled up to mention something if she doesn't get a compliment from her guy! You wrote she had on a dress so I am assuming she was probably dressed up for an occasion, maybe it was to even see you!!

 

I agree, it is best not to try to change someone if they get excited or like to debate...but I wonder what she was feeling at that time. Since she has anxiety, perhaps a controversial topic may feel confrontational to her, and trigger some feelings of anxiety. I would just have a little talk with her on that. Find our what she feels at that moment, and try to put yourself in her shoes.

 

If she has anxiety issues and is a bit needy, it will take a lot of understanding and support from you. You will want to consider this for sure! And she will want to consider it too. Based on what you wrote, you two seem a bit opposite on the spectrum.

[todreaminblue]

i feel that it might settle down.......i dont know why your gf needs constant physical and emotional reassurance.......that would be draining.....pda should be kept minimalistic in my mind......maybe she has a fear of crowds and loud voices......animated conversations....that could escalate......i dont know.....i think you should talk to her......there are social anxiety groups she coudl get support from if you fidn it overwhelming...

 

normally when someone exhibits social anxiety theres a reason for it.....

 

i have social anxiety.....fear in groups......because i have some trauma associated with it..............fear of non acceptance....fear of being ridiculed or laughed at or...... worse than that.....being attacked.....i have been attacked ....i have doen groups...therapy...and i have strategies......on the weekend....there was a situation where i was anxious.......and i was stuck in a room with others and the door was shut..one female two males..........made me anxious to start off with even though it was harmless......it was close proximity..and i was happy an excited ....which is normally when i feel child like.....so i also felt this with anxiety..alarm bells go off....when they smiled and sort of laughed i felt like an in joke was to be had and i was it...........again harmless..and they probably were smilin gbecause i was smiling........it didnt feel harmless however i felt they were laughing at me..........i wanted out......and thats exactly what i did i held myself together and i got out with a smile......

 

 

 

i blocked the run response and did so gracefully i thought....groups and therapy have helped me manage this...i am an introvert.......if i had a partner and he was in that room with me....i might have reached for his hand just to ground myself..to not feel like me going solo against others..to quell building anxiety......but i didnt have a partner . my ex...would often squeeze my hand in social situation just to let me know he was there....adn it worked a treat.......this time i handled it myself...and i rocked....:0)....so in my opinion talk to her....and groups and therapy can do wonders for social anxiety check out the free programs in your area......deb

[Danda]

I think she sounds controlling. While her need for control might stem from anxiety problems (likely, but not a sure thing), ultimately the way she is dealing with her anxiety is disrespectful and unhealthy.

 

If we were to form a hypothetical with reversed genders, I think it might be more obvious, so let's try it:

 

A woman is constantly walking on eggshells around her boyfriend. If she says the wrong thing, he gets mad. He insists that she touch him romantically at inappropriate times, usually in front of other people. When she gets excited about something, he tries to shush her down. It's to the point that she is so unsure of herself, that she is asking a forum about it instead of telling him to **** off and stop disrespecting her.

 

Heellloooo red flags.

 

OP, just because you are male doesn't mean that it's okay for your lover to be controlling in this manner. You need to set some boundaries for yourself, in my opinion.

[preraph]

If you're going to stay with her, you need to be clear that it's warts and all. I have a friend who has problems, gets hysterical at times, very unreasonable, from some mental illness, but when she's fun, she's the funnest person in the world. She had managed to hide her dark side from her husband up to the day they married, when she had a meltdown from being around her dad, who is a bad trigger. In the lobby, the new groom was baffled, of course, and I said, "Oh, no, please tell me this is not the first time you're seeing her like this." It was. However, he stayed for the long haul. A few years into it, she had a bad crisis/meltdown and came to me and I had to coordinate with him what to do. Realize, I still didn't know how much of this he'd seen, but I called him with her permission and told him what was going on and was afraid he might really freak out, but he said that by now, he knew what she was like and had long ago decided she was worth it. They had their 30th anniversary this past year.

 

I can't think of any other man who she ever dated who was grounded enough to be the solid anchor she required. It's not for everyone. And when dealing with anxiety, it can totally derail your life.

 

Another friend of mine is married to a person with social anxiety. It's hard to tell how much is genuine and how much is just a bad uncooperative attitude because he can be better when his marriage is on the line. I wouldn't wish the marriage she's had on anyone because it's not giving her what she needs and never does anything voluntarily except go to work and the rest is just him doing what he wants when he wants and her never being able to rely on him.

 

Now you're dealing with a medicated only child, I'm assuming, in her 20s or 30s, so on top of being an only child, she's probably from the generation who got praised for everything and rewarded for everything whether it's merited or not. But this is the real world, and those kids were not prepared for the real world of adulthood. You can't coddle someone on that. Anxious or not, it's time she had to get used to dealing with people as they are. She's free to leave if she doesn't like it and keep looking for a better match. So be your best self and if that's not good enough, she's just not the right match for you. All you can be is your best self. You can't just pretend to be someone else to make someone temporarily happy -- and I think we both know it's always going to be only temporary with her.

[Biscous]

I'm 31 she's 27. Yeah so I'm in the midst of talking to her about it now and needless to say things are messy. Nor raising my voice. She seems oblivious to her behavior and takes it as personal attacks.

 

This may be a Christmas alone but maybe a good decision if we can't resolve things.

 

She says she loves me and I'm great but I sometimes don't communicate well and that could cause issues. I'm working on that too and I get upset about things. We will see.

[bachdude]

I'm 31 she's 27. Yeah so I'm in the midst of talking to her about it now and needless to say things are messy. Nor raising my voice. She seems oblivious to her behavior and takes it as personal attacks.

 

This may be a Christmas alone but maybe a good decision if we can't resolve things.

 

She says she loves me and I'm great but I sometimes don't communicate well and that could cause issues. I'm working on that too and I get upset about things. We will see.

 

I'm not sure what is being said, but I recommend being careful how you say it.

 

Keep in mind that not every guy would mind the public displays of affection and so on. And not all guys would necessarily feel like they are walking on eggshells around her either. Keep it as your own issue when talking with her as much as possible. We are all responsible for our own emotions.

 

Again, I'm not trying to accuse you of anything because I have no idea how you have talked with her, but it is just a friendly reminder.

 

If she still takes it as personal attacks, then there isn't anything you can do about this.

[Biscous]

I'm not sure what is being said, but I recommend being careful how you say it.

 

Keep in mind that not every guy would mind the public displays of affection and so on. And not all guys would necessarily feel like they are walking on eggshells around her either. Keep it as your own issue when talking with her as much as possible. We are all responsible for our own emotions.

 

Again, I'm not trying to accuse you of anything because I have no idea how you have talked with her, but it is just a friendly reminder.

 

If she still takes it as personal attacks, then there isn't anything you can do about this.

 

I did not personally attack her about it. I think I conveyed it effectively is that is how I feel and those feelings are warranted.

 

She has expressed issues on my end about me getting angry about stuff and I listened. It hurts yes but I am trying to listen as well. I don't want her to be unhappy with me if I am 'wrong' for her even though she is in love with me. Nor should I be with someone who makes me uncomfortable at times and doesn't address it.

 

I tried to do it in the nicest way possible but she is contacting me now about it.

[bachdude]

I did not personally attack her about it. I think I conveyed it effectively is that is how I feel and those feelings are warranted.

 

She has expressed issues on my end about me getting angry about stuff and I listened. It hurts yes but I am trying to listen as well. I don't want her to be unhappy with me if I am 'wrong' for her even though she is in love with me. Nor should I be with someone who makes me uncomfortable at times and doesn't address it.

 

I tried to do it in the nicest way possible but she is contacting me now about it.

 

Ok, a couple of things I am picking up on here.

 

I really recommend not saying to her your "feelings are warranted". It still comes off as pointing the finger. Your feelings don't have to be warranted anyway. They are just your feelings. And her feelings are her feelings. You don't have to have any justification for them. Couples go round and round arguing about whose feelings are warranted and whose are not.

 

And no one "makes" you uncomfortable. It comes off like you are making her responsible for how you feel. She is not responsible for your emotions. You are.

 

Trust me on this! I've learned the hard way. How couples talk through their issues is utterly important. It is very important you do not put on her how you feel or tell her your feelings are warranted because of what she did or does.

[Biscous]

Ok, a couple of things I am picking up on here.

 

I really recommend not saying to her your "feelings are warranted". It still comes off as pointing the finger. Your feelings don't have to be warranted anyway. They are just your feelings. And her feelings are her feelings. You don't have to have any justification for them. Couples go round and round arguing about whose feelings are warranted and whose are not.

 

And no one "makes" you uncomfortable. It comes off like you are making her responsible for how you feel. She is not responsible for your emotions. You are.

 

Trust me on this! I've learned the hard way. How couples talk through their issues is utterly important. It is very important you do not put on her how you feel or tell her your feelings are warranted because of what she did or does.

 

Trying my best here, but being with a partner you are depending on the other to treat you a certain way as well. If I yell at her then yes it would hurt her, so I should be aware of what I say to her and my level of respect for her.

 

It's not about responsibility but when you are that close and vulnerable with someone the gloves are off and it does matter how you talk to each other.

 

She texted me...

 

"I don't know what I did to deserve this. I will never understand what I did so wrong."

 

That hurts to hear.

[bachdude]

Trying my best here, but being with a partner you are depending on the other to treat you a certain way as well. If I yell at her then yes it would hurt her, so I should be aware of what I say to her and my level of respect for her.

 

It's not about responsibility but when you are that close and vulnerable with someone the gloves are off and it does matter how you talk to each other.

 

She texted me...

 

"I don't know what I did to deserve this. I will never understand what I did so wrong."

 

That hurts to hear.

 

She feels you are saying she did something wrong. And I have to be honest, I kind of believe her based on what you have written. Sorry to say.

 

I don't think the gloves have to be off at all. It all depends how two people communicate and I think it starts with owning your own emotions, on both sides. So yes, it is about responsibility, taking responsibility for how you feel and not putting it on anyone else.

 

How about this, "Sweetie, this is just me and my issue, but sometimes I feel uncomfortable in public places when you would like to be affectionate. It isn't you, it is just the feeling I have at that time. I love how affectionate you are, but for some reason in those contexts I feel uncomfortable. Do you have nay ideas what we could do about this?"

 

Or "Sweetie, when I get really excited and and into a controversial topic, when you say "calm down" I feel unaccepted by you for who I am. This is part of who I am. Maybe if you could tell me how my actions are effecting you we can come to a resolution on this."

 

Something like that.

[whichwayisup]

I'm 31 she's 27. Yeah so I'm in the midst of talking to her about it now and needless to say things are messy. Nor raising my voice. She seems oblivious to her behavior and takes it as personal attacks.

 

This may be a Christmas alone but maybe a good decision if we can't resolve things.

 

She says she loves me and I'm great but I sometimes don't communicate well and that could cause issues. I'm working on that too and I get upset about things. We will see.

 

So, she pulls the you upset me card when you open up and discuss stuff, it's her way of deflecting and making it about you.

 

She has to learn how to cope better with her anxiety and insecurities otherwise it will ruin your relationship more, to the point where you'll break up with her. It's one thing if she's sensitive at times but to always be walking on egg shells isn't healthy.

 

Ask her if she truly is happy with you and have that honest conversation, both of you have to be open to it, to hear some negative stuff and want to change to make things better. If she can't do that then your R is doomed.